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[AlephNull]

Hello everyone, I've always lurked around these parts in the past but I just recently decided to create an account.

I'd like to get opinions regarding my situation right now, so this might end up being a long post, sorry!

 

My name is Aleph and I live in Buenos Aires, Argentina (down by South America, for those not so interested in geography).

I started my LDR with a girl from the US almost two years ago;

we haven't met yet but it's been everything I've wanted in a relationship so far (this is also my first romantic relationship).

The only real problem is that we won't be able to meet in person for at least 4 years. (unless magic)

She is almost 20 years old and is attending a college in Indiana.

 

To cut things short (fail, I know), the reason we can't meet is that she can't come visit, and neither can I.

We had arranged for her to come visit a couple of months back, got her a passport and I bought the ticket.

Only to have it blow up in my face when her parents threatened to disown her (wtf) if she came;

under the pretext that you need to know how to handle horrible AK-47-wielding-guerrilla-attacks on

those lawless 3rd world countries (yes, I do believe they suffer from a severe disconnection from reality).

As for me, I tried several times ( twice ) to get a tourist visa, but as I am still a college student,

I can't prove I have "strong ties" to my country (*cough*$money$*cough*), and that's all they care about.

 

So yeah, all this means that I have to face this hell (gotta love LDRs) for way longer than expected.

I can easily survive a 4 year LDR with visiting, but this is really... hardcore.

I have accepted that, and I don't mind waiting for her as I do love her.

So... just wondering if this relationship has a chance, I always hear that until you meet each other it's not "real",

as if it was some kind of test drive. I'm not a believer in the famous "but I met him/her in real life and there was no spark!",

if I like you online I sure as hell will like you in real life. (maybe this is because I spent almost all my life in front of a monitor? No real in-person experience)

The "daily" annoyances of someone in person wouldn't bother me, it is well known that human beings are not perfect

and I don't expect anything close to it. (I also have a pretty annoying roommate, trust me when I say I know about annoyances)

The problem is that I only truly know what's in my head, she may not be that way even though she has said she is (love can make you say things).

 

Anyone else had to deal with something similar?

 

Also, good to finally join!

[justwhoiam]

Well, you have so much in that post, that it ends up confusing me. So I'll deal with your points just randomly.

 

1) Yes, it's possible, but rare, that you can talk to someone for many years and then end up together.

 

2) Will you have to wait other 4 years? I don't think she'll sit around waiting for you. She'll have dates, meet new people and she might fall in love with some guy she met.

 

3) Why can't you get a tourist visa?

 

4) Isn't she in college? So why does she have to tell her parents every detail of her life? I mean, don't get me wrong, if she were coming to visit you, she would tell her parents, but if you go there and visit her, and to be safe, she met you taking friends along with her, then I guess you'd be fine. She wouldn't need to tell your parents.

 

5) I guess her parents are not OK with you being from South America... I know it's stupid, but maybe you can say you have some other country's descent? Like German, Spanish, Italian, whatever. I guess they're prejudiced.

 

6) Regarding the "I'm sure I'll like her no matter what", well, everyone thinks that in their head, but then things take a different turn. Also, as you said, you can be 100% sure about yourself, but you will never be 100% sure about her. She's very young too, which is another factor.

 

7) If she goes on vacation somewhere, couldn't you go there too? Just an idea.

 

8) It'd be enough for you to be an exchange student, or an au pair student (yes, now there are males too), or just take a one-week English course where she studies. And you'd get a visa and meet her. You need to meet her at least once. And I guess after that, meet her at least once in two years. I know it's very difficult, but this is what it is, and it all depends on how serious you both are in trying to be together.

[AlephNull]

2) Will you have to wait other 4 years? I don't think she'll sit around waiting for you. She'll have dates, meet new people and she might fall in love with some guy she met.

I doubt she would have dates, considering we are "exclusive".

I don't really believe in love, that's just a chemical reaction in your brain that makes you feel infatuated with one person.

It does help in initiating a relationship, but I don't see how it would make or break it.

That's just speaking for me though, I see a romantic relationship as a long term tight friendship with exclusive sexual bonuses.

So yeah, she can fall in love with whoever she wants really, that's not what I see our relationship as.

We just a lot of common interests, went through the "love" phase, and happened to initiate a romantic relationship shortly after.

I still consider her a unique kind of friend.

 

Just for the record, I did fall in love with other people after our relationship started, but I didn't find switching worth it.

I think relationships like this shouldn't be about whether -I want X or Y-; we are a team, so why not act with the team itself in mind?

And after the "love" feeling passes, it would be the same all over again. Not really into serial dating.

 

3) Why can't you get a tourist visa?

I have to prove that I am going to come back to my country.

They call it "proving that I have -strong ties-" to my country, which allows them to deny your visa on a whim, to then invoke that as the reason.

You can't refute it due to the definition of "strong ties" being subjective.

In other words, it just means that if you have money and a good job that would force you to come back, you are in the clear. Or if they like you, you are also in the clear.

I didn't manage any of those. ( being a college student is not a strong tie )

 

4) Isn't she in college? So why does she have to tell her parents every detail of her life? I mean, don't get me wrong, if she were coming to visit you, she would tell her parents, but if you go there and visit her, and to be safe, she met you taking friends along with her, then I guess you'd be fine. She wouldn't need to tell your parents.

1) She is in college, but she lives with her parents, meaning that she has to obey their rules. She can't travel because they say so, that's all.

2) See visa problem above. Also, my parents are not a factor here, they are dead.

 

5) I guess her parents are not OK with you being from South America... I know it's stupid, but maybe you can say you have some other country's descent? Like German, Spanish, Italian, whatever. I guess they're prejudiced.

That's completely fair, I also thought that Yankees were 50% war, 49% fat and 1% democracy at some point too. I stand corrected, they don't like democracy that much.

But joking aside, that's not a real problem, they are bad parents so there's no way I'd ever like them anyway.

I was just bitching about it.

 

6) Regarding the "I'm sure I'll like her no matter what", well, everyone thinks that in their head, but then things take a different turn. Also, as you said, you can be 100% sure about yourself, but you will never be 100% sure about her. She's very young too, which is another factor.

Everyone can come to the same conclusion, taking into account different variables. Thus some conclusions will be more solid (regarding the certainty), even though they are the same.

I never reach that kind of conclusion hastily, as I am very introspective. The only wild variable here is her, I do know what I want.

 

7) If she goes on vacation somewhere, couldn't you go there too? Just an idea.

We are both college students, no real money to use on vacations.

And my situation doesn't allow for that kind of luxury anyway.

 

8) It'd be enough for you to be an exchange student, or an au pair student (yes, now there are males too), or just take a one-week English course where she studies. And you'd get a visa and meet her. You need to meet her at least once. And I guess after that, meet her at least once in two years. I know it's very difficult, but this is what it is, and it all depends on how serious you both are in trying to be together.

That wouldn't work, I still have to prove the "strong ties" point, PLUS enough economic solvency to afford the studies. The tourist visa is still the easiest and safest bet.

I'm still trying anyway! The only bad part is that it's $150 per try, hah.

 

Anyway, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. Thank you.