Realizing what really counts

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

OK, I have pondered a wee bit on LDR posts.. Not that I am any good at such things, I do have some advice to take with a grain of salt, or a teaspoon of sugar for your own experiences down the road.

 

I made this as uni-sexed as possible... I am new here and thought this may be of interest.

 

I am in a LDR that may or may not ever be more than just what it is, though we feel the same deep feelings and wants, only to be trapped by LDR and marriage.

 

Yes, it is not what I wanted nor the person I am having the LDR with. In fact it was out of casual meeting on a humor chat board. Laughter can distract you from what ales you. It took about a year of convo to realize we had a connection. From there on, each year progressively became more an more closer and intimate.

 

Now some who have found or will find a mate, will for the most part exhange photos at one time or another. For us, it took 4 years and was mostly from our shyness. I know I am not your average person so to say what worked out for me would be for someone who does not fit like most they come across. Lacking social skills, being all to one's self and not caring about what others think online can be difficult at best to have anyone see you for what you are.

 

I guess being online can allow for some exaggeration or just be completely different that who you are all together. That was part of our relationship and was always the wall between us until we were able to see each other on video chat.

 

Now you wonder... WTF! This is strange and how am I going to benefit from this.

 

Well, to put it simply, you must realize what really counts to you in continuing a relationship with your mate. Once you do find your personal conditions are met, nothing can take that away; not even a wee masquerade of identity by ones protection mode.

 

Many rely on personal needs. Some don't even know or feel that there needs can be met. For the most part go on into temptations, allowing desires to distract them from their needs. Now many women will say their needs are being met in a relationship??? Or men for example?

 

OK, so now that you made a list of needs from a mate, you also need to make a list of other things that add to your desires that can be met by most anyone, not just the adventurous.

 

Here is a basic list of needs most everyone will ever need, including peeps like me who are shy, or private to others to peeps who go on to live life in the extremes.

 

Trust

Understanding

Caring

Uncontrolling

 

 

It is the basic root to any relationship, any one of the items can be exchanged for something else that you need from your mate, or just tossed out if you don't care about your needs. There are those who just want to be a servant and only want to please to feel needed.

 

Now that you now your needs, or have some clue into them; You can go into desires in your mate. The best way is blind folded, don't even bother peeking. As I have seen too many go after what their eyes desire and put up with a lot of BS to have a looker or someone to take care of them.

 

What do you desire from another person, either a physical trait or how they are as a person. Example, here is a wee list of desires that make for enjoyment of your mate.

 

Sense of humor

Personal Acceptance

Independence

Sensual

Carefree

 

Again, they are just an example for reference. For myself I never made a list of things, as I knew exactly what I wanted from day one of wanting a relationship. Though finding exactly what you want is a different story, so most of us resort to weeding out our wants to make room for the not so pleasurable things that are added in a new relationship. After all a relationship that is OK is better than no relationship at all, right??? Well that can be said for some.

 

Now for the hardest part...

 

Finding acceptance between each other on faults and committing to non-commitment. As long as you are too far away in your LDR, you must accept an open relationship. As there is no grantee it will last, so allow freedom along with showing how much you care. As with today's world it is easy to text on the run, and call while out and about. To say what you feel on a daily basis, to be open and expect some differences to gain understanding, even if time has changed your mutual understandings.

 

Once you get passed the feeling of noncommittal, and allow time to open doors, you will find things will be as if you are committed oh how they fall into place. Meaning no matter how deep your convo is with your personal feelings, if you cannot show it beyond words, loves messages to you mate will not show how you feel. Sometimes making time will be the most difficult task. By making it seem easy for contact without disturbing the balance of your mates personal life, will show that you care and are willing to be there. It is not how many times you call, it is how you make the call, or what you write in your texts. Sometimes a wee message is enough, and sometimes it takes a good letter.

 

First year should start lightly, as there are so many things to overwhelm you into not seeing details that will be important later on. Allow to slip into new shoes and break em in.

 

Now it seems men and women are all the same, not mentioning the unmentionables as we all know that is going to be different. Unfortunately peeps in general are all different. So how can we find the perfect person in our life when the odds are stacked against us.

 

Believe me, I was with my eyes shut for a great deal of time and was working on becoming a 40 year old virgin before I felt any urge to attempt a relationship. Though I was thwarted at 30. LOL!

 

I guess peeps don't understand shy... I never did from others, as my shyness went into protection mode. Always keeping hidden even when outspoken. At times finding myself with another shy person only compounds the aggravation. As I do not like to be he only one talking as it puts me on the spot to hide even further. So when you have found someone there are shy traits that can make them quiet or outspoken into hiding behind activities or events that they think the other will have interest in. As in speaking for the other. Why do we think most who date are not shy??? Well it is all in perspective; As long as the other is noticeably shy then they are seen as shy. Some times being pushing yourself to be outgoing will make you do something you normally would not do. Some find shame in it after the fact, and can be difficult to move on from it.

 

This is where everything unfolds as to seeing what has happened for me at least. So, out of the many years of hiding out of the blue I am presented with the real person I have known as someone else. For most that would be a shocker and probably ruin trust. But if you look at my lists carefully, there is details that allows nothing to change. Trust and Understanding; they seem to be the most important. During discussion to why all the charade, I realized the person I come to know was still that person. Even with added complications, there was nothing lost between us. In fact we had greater trust and a deeper understanding. I realized once I got to see them, skin and all what I have is more real that it ever was.

 

So, how does that fit into your LDR??? It is all about how you can see the person behind the smoke screen, or internet if that is all you have. Being able to see their own being and love shine through the lines of text and countless voice convos. To realize the real and important stuff was always there to begin with. If you cannot see that in your LDR, then your kidding yourself into a disappointment in the end.