LDR Break Up

[Christophe]

Hi guys just joined this forum in the hope of getting some advice because I am really struggling to deal with a break up I had back in June. Sorry if this is too long but I hope some of you will take the time to read and try to understand my situation as I really feel I need help. Thanks in advance

 

I am feeling very down. I have never felt this down in all my life. In fact recently I have felt so down I have motivation for anything and feel so weak all the time. At times I even feel suicidal and don't see the point in carrying on.

 

 

 

The main reason for this is a girl. I am a 23 year old guy from York and spent April 2013 to April 2014 working in a factory in York. It was not my ideal job but I needed something to save to go travelling. Anyway while at the factory I met some really great friends from Spain. They had come to England to live and they were the best friends I have met. I felt like I belonged with these people (definitely more so than the English people working at the factory). So we got on well and went out socially together and one night in November my Spanish friend Carlos told me about his friend Andrea in Spain who wanted to improve her English. So we arranged to talk on Facebook to each other and we got on really well. Eventually in January Andrea came to visit York and see her friends (while she wanted to come and visit me more I think).

 

 

 

Anyway the night we met in January was like a dream. We fell in love and it was so effortless and natural between us. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever met. We both just fell crazily in love that night and although she had to go home the next day we said we would keep in touch and we talked every day until we met again at the start of March in Amsterdam. We had such a connection and Amsterdam was perfect. We were both so happy to see each other again and it was like a perfect first date the whole thing. It was incredible and I thought I was so lucky to meet this beautiful, sweet girl who is also crazy about me. Before Andrea I had never been in a relationship but with Andrea she gave me such confidence and self-belief and she made me feel so happy. I know I made her so happy too . I felt on top of the world with her. After that trip she said she could not wait to spend the rest of her life with me and that I was 'perfect'.

 

 

 

We met again 3 weeks later in Barcelona and went to Tarragona her home town. I was nervous to meet her family and try to talk the little Spanish I know but they made me feel so welcome and Andrea made it easy. Again it was a beautiful weekend. We then met a week later when she came to my house in England. Again it was great. She was infatuated with me and my Mum said she was hanging off my every word. I would look at her and just see pure love and adoration in her eyes. Something I have never experienced before. We had planned to live together by the end of the year (she was going to come to England, she is a nurse).

 

 

 

Saying goodbye after this meeting in April was hard. We knew we would not physically see each other again until 2 months later at the start of June as I had already planned a trip to New Zealand for a month in May (which I cut short for Andrea. I had planned to go for a year just before I met her). We communicated as much as possible while I was away in New Zealand although it was horrible being so far away from her.

 

 

 

I got home end of May and I was to go to Spain again on 8 June and we went to the Pyrenees for a few days. It was supposed to be a great holiday but Andrea was different. She was quieter and more distant. I knew something was wrong. She was not so affectionate towards me and that look in her eye was not their anymore. I said to her 3 or 4 times during the trip 'I love you' and she never said it back like before. On the last day I asked her what was wrong and she got upset saying she could not stop thinking of her ex. They live close together and have the same mutual friends. She still would see him regularly all the time we were together. They were together for 7 years from age 15 to 22. I thought she had moved on and before she told me she had. My friend Carlos (who is friends with Andrea and her boyfriend) was not happy seeing as he knew me and Andrea were better suited and basically arranged for us to meet. He said Andrea and her boyfriend were terrible together and always arguing and even broke up one or two times before only to get back together again.

 

 

 

So Andrea broke up with me and it has hit me like a ton of bricks. She was the most beautiful, sweetest girl I have ever met and I just can't understand why she has done this. I know 7 years is a long time with someone but Carlos who recently got back from Spain after seeing them both was not happy. He said Miguel (Andrea's boyfriend) s basically exactly the same as he was before with her and does not even seem that bothered (you can tell from his body language in all photos of him and Andrea). But for some reason Andrea has 'fallen in love' with him again. Carlos said it is madness and that they will continue this unhappy self-destructive relationship until the end of time.

 

 

 

The thing is I think I knew the real Andrea. I think I brought out the best in her and she brought out the best in me. The Andrea that is caught up in her toxic relationship I don’t believe is the real girl. The girl I met and fell in love with was beautiful and sweet and kind and shy. I adored her. We had constantly talked about our plans together for the future and then in June everything was cancelled.

 

 

 

I am struggling so badly to deal with this. I can’t take how one minute she thought I was the best thing in the world and the next minute she cuts me off to get back with her ex who treated her badly. I always cared for and respected her unlike him. After I returned from visiting her family the first time I sent them a gift and a card. In the card I explained to them how much I cared for their daughter. I wanted them to see the type of person I am and that I am good for her.

 

 

 

Now I am back home in York I feel terrible. I feel so tired all the time and lack motivation for anything. I was truly happy with Andrea in my life and now she has gone I don’t know how to deal with it. It has been just over 2 months now since she broke up with me but it feels like a lifetime. She showed me how amazing it is to be in love and it was the best time of my life. Now I am not with her everything seems bleak and hopeless. The friends I have made this last year are all moved away and I feel so alone. I know I treated her right and I did nothing wrong yet it has still hit my confidence hard. I just did not see it coming. We were so happy. I feel angry at her for going back to a relationship that does not work, whether it is for convenience I don’t know. She never seemed bothered about the change in lifestyle she would have to make by coming to live with me in England. Anyway now I feel directionless and unmotivated. I need to find a job again and that is difficult as I really don’t know what I want to do. Andrea gave me purpose and self-belief and now that is gone.

 

 

 

I have had some really dark days and I dream about her almost every night. I just wish she would realize who TRULY cares for her. I don’t think there is much chance of her coming back to me now after everything but I still hold some kind of hope. I can’t hang on forever for her but I really feel that my life is pointless if I’m not with her. I can’t imagine anyone else making me feel the way she did. I loved her with all my heart and I still do. Right now I am really struggling to see any positives in my life and it is made worse by the majority of the friends I know having great relationships and really moving on with their lives. I feel like I have really lost myself. I don’t know how to be that same guy that Andrea fell in love with in January. I feel like everything is falling apart. I can’t take how I feel awful and she is happy. I would really appreciate your help with this. I don’t think anyone else understands truly how much this has affected me.

 

Thank you so much.

 

Chris

[thysecret]

Hi Chris, I'm sorry to hear this. If i'm not mistaken, she's your first love right?

I understand how bad you feel, everyone goes through a break up and it's even more frustrating that you can't tell anyone about how bad you feel (as you mentioned you felt alone). But please do not do anything stupid, a break up hurts but it's not worth it to do this for someone who isn't worth your love.

Honestly it's easy to say this because i'm not the one who's dealing with this issue now, but i've been there. How i got out? I find new hobbies, i meet new people. Talking to random strangers online does help because it's easy. You get your mind off. Try it & see if it helps. and you never know, you might meet someone else (i did ).

 

Everything comes too "sudden" to you, that's why you're struggling.

The problem don't lies at you, it lies at her. But sometimes, love is really hard to control. Perhaps her ex was a douche, but sometimes you just can't help but go back to that. Not everyone can be logical and matured enough to see the full picture. I believe that you deserve someone way way way better as you sounds like an amazing guy. Honestly, even if she came back to you, my advice is, you should move on. Because if she can leave you once, she might do it again.

 

AND! Even if you got back together, you will constantly worry about her feelings towards her ex. You'll be paranoid, jealous & insecure. 7 years is a long time, prolly it's just a habit. Some girls, they knew the new guy is better yet they go back to the "BAD GUY". It's really hard to explain & i don't know how to explain this feeling because i'm not a person who goes back to the past. Once i leave, i never turn back. (P.s All relationships have fights, sometimes fights are healthy).

 

I can see that you're still holding to hope by saying you think you're the Best for her. To be honest, when you send the card to her family, it simply means you're just using them to talk to her & hoping she would see how good you are. Love don't work like this. If i am her and i have no feelings, i will be annoyed if you do that. But i also understand why you're doing this.

 

I am counted a contradicting person by telling you all these because just months ago, i'm feeling exactly the same way. I was selfish because i want him to feel unhappy as well, just because i was feeling ****ty. I can't believe he's not affected. I "lied" to myself that i'm the best, but in all honesty, i was ****ty. It's not his fault, nor is it my fault. The fault lies at "we are not suitable" and i always believe i can find someone better. And i did. I've learned to let go, and now i found TRUE HAPPINESS.

 

I hoped you feel better. Sorry i am just not good with expressing, i tried my best though. I'm here for you, stranger. We've all been there, you will get over it.

[Christophe]

thysecret thank you very much for taking the time to read my story and offering your advice. I really, really appreciate it.

 

Yes Andrea was my first love. Previous to her I have never really been great with girls and lacked self-belief really. However when I met Andrea it was so easy. We had an instant connection and I could tell the way she looked at me the night we met that she liked me. We had been talking for a couple of months before we met online and I liked her but never expected anything (I assumed she was in a relationship because she is so beautiful). But yes I felt so confident that night it was easy, I did not have to worry or think what to do. It just happened and we fell in love. And she was genuinely the most beautiful, sweetest girl I had ever met.

 

At the start it was definitely Andrea who was even more crazy about me. We talked every day on Facebook and on Valentine's Day she sent me some stuff and a card that she had made. It was really touching that she had done all this for me. I had never experienced that before.

 

We always talked about 'when' not 'if' we would live together and we both said by the end of this year we want to be together. She said she did not care about leaving her family and friends in Spain to come and live with me as she only wanted to be with me.

 

I felt on top of the world with Andrea. I think probably the first time in my life when I have truly felt like a real man you know? She was crazy about me. i can't emphasise that enough. This is why I just don't know how she just changed and went so cold like I don't mean anything anymore. It makes no sense at all.

 

I know for a fact her ex is a douche (more like an immature kid than a man) and my friend Carlos said their relationship was terrible with constant fighting. Carlos said it is madness they are back together and that they will continue this self-destructive relationship forever. I know 7 years is a long time but I really thought Andrea had put the past behind her. Clearly seeing him all the time with their mutual friends did not help and now she has gone back to him. I hope she will soon regret it but right now all the signs are that she is happier than ever. I wish I could see inside her mind because I wonder if she has forgotten me already. I loved her with all my heart and would never let her down. She told me how once her boyfriend who she is back with now stood her up at a music concert with no explanation and she was so upset she just went home. I mean why the hell does she want to get back with someone like that who does not give a ****. I really care about her and it just makes me angry thinking she has picked him over me.

 

I think you misunderstood about the card. I sent that card back in April after I stayed at her house telling her parents thank you for letting me stay and how much I care about their daughter. I thought it was a nice and respectful thing to do so they could see what type of person I am.

 

I really don't know whether to send her a letter or a casual message. I don't want to ruin her last impression of me and piss her off. I just really don't feel like I can move on yet and I want to reconnect with her so bad. At the time our relationship was wonderful and I truly believe we were in love. I still don't want to give up on the best thing I have ever known because I really don't think I will find anything as good again. My friends say I will feel the same for another woman 100% one day but I just really want Andrea.

 

Just out of interest how long did it take you to find someone better? Did it happen easily like before, just falling in love?

 

Once again thank you so much for your support. It's good to know that strangers on the internet can really help me.

 

Chris

[Zeurich]

Truly sorry that you experience this. But if you feel suicidal for a woman from Spain I have to say that don't be that stupid.

what I can say your girl friend was not exactly over with her ex. And also she did not take a heal time after the break. When some one see another person just after the break that is the best person ever but by time passing start feeling the difference between two men. That is what happen to your girl friend. seems you like to travel a lot so go for some traveling explorer the world make your self happy. I am sure there is another one out there for you. This girl is not worth honestly. Be happy that she left you now not after getting married and having babies.

[Christophe]

Thanks Zeurich it is not easy being without her especially dreaming of her almost every night. I wake up and feel so empty most days.

 

The thing is I know she did not take time to heal from her last relationship and it would be difficult with seeing him so often with mutual friends but I believe the Andrea I knew was the real person. Sweet, kind and sort of shy. I believe I brought out the best in her. She said I made her feel comfortable and calm and also excited. I think she felt safe with me.

 

It seems Andrea instigated getting back with her ex. Maybe she is ultimately in control and if she came to live with me in England she would be relying on me a lot. Again though before this was never a problem. I know people can change but it is very hard to accept that she is not the same girl now. It feels like this means our bond meant nothing. I know when I was with her I made her feel like the most special girl in the world and she told me how lucky she was to have me. But now I have been rejected I wonder how the hell could I find someone like that again. Especially as prior to Andrea this had never happened before in my life.

 

Now she is gone everything does seem very difficult. I need to figure out what job/career I want/can do and all the certainty I had planning with Andrea has been replaced by doubt and uncertainty. I find it very difficult too seeing most of my friends moving on in life and in great relationships. It feels like everyone I know is happy except me. I was on top of the world when I was with Andrea. It was the best feeling I have ever known. Now I am as far from that feeling as I could possibly be.

[HeavenOrHell]

Hi Chris, I replied last night but forgot to send it

Was just to say I have felt a lot of what you're feeling with two of my breakups, including a 4 year LDR which ended in June, also an 18 year living together r/ship which ended 5 years ago.

Heartbreak is the worst, but the pain does not stay that raw forever.

Shame I can't PM you

Edited August 22, 2014 by HeavenOrHell

[Robert]

posting any kind of IRL contact info on the open forum is frowned upon here, it is dangerous to do so and by doing that you lose the anonymity that LoveShack helps to provide.

 

Thanks

Edited August 22, 2014 by Robert

[Trufita]

Hi Chris, I'm sorry to hear this. If i'm not mistaken, she's your first love right?

I understand how bad you feel, everyone goes through a break up and it's even more frustrating that you can't tell anyone about how bad you feel (as you mentioned you felt alone). But please do not do anything stupid, a break up hurts but it's not worth it to do this for someone who isn't worth your love.

Honestly it's easy to say this because i'm not the one who's dealing with this issue now, but i've been there. How i got out? I find new hobbies, i meet new people. Talking to random strangers online does help because it's easy. You get your mind off. Try it & see if it helps. and you never know, you might meet someone else (i did ).

 

Everything comes too "sudden" to you, that's why you're struggling.

The problem don't lies at you, it lies at her. But sometimes, love is really hard to control. Perhaps her ex was a douche, but sometimes you just can't help but go back to that. Not everyone can be logical and matured enough to see the full picture. I believe that you deserve someone way way way better as you sounds like an amazing guy. Honestly, even if she came back to you, my advice is, you should move on. Because if she can leave you once, she might do it again.

 

AND! Even if you got back together, you will constantly worry about her feelings towards her ex. You'll be paranoid, jealous & insecure. 7 years is a long time, prolly it's just a habit. Some girls, they knew the new guy is better yet they go back to the "BAD GUY". It's really hard to explain & i don't know how to explain this feeling because i'm not a person who goes back to the past. Once i leave, i never turn back. (P.s All relationships have fights, sometimes fights are healthy).

 

I can see that you're still holding to hope by saying you think you're the Best for her. To be honest, when you send the card to her family, it simply means you're just using them to talk to her & hoping she would see how good you are. Love don't work like this. If i am her and i have no feelings, i will be annoyed if you do that. But i also understand why you're doing this.

 

I am counted a contradicting person by telling you all these because just months ago, i'm feeling exactly the same way. I was selfish because i want him to feel unhappy as well, just because i was feeling ****ty. I can't believe he's not affected. I "lied" to myself that i'm the best, but in all honesty, i was ****ty. It's not his fault, nor is it my fault. The fault lies at "we are not suitable" and i always believe i can find someone better. And i did. I've learned to let go, and now i found TRUE HAPPINESS.

 

I hoped you feel better. Sorry i am just not good with expressing, i tried my best though. I'm here for you, stranger. We've all been there, you will get over it.

 

^^^^ THIS! I agree 100%.

I'm sorry you feel that way Chris, I've been broken-hearted too, and I felt like it would never heal, but it does. You do sound like a great guy, so don't worry, you will find someone else eventually.

Edited August 22, 2014 by Trufita

[Christophe]

^^^^ THIS! I agree 100%.

I'm sorry you feel that way Chris, I've been broken-hearted too, and I felt like it would never heal, but it does. You do sound like a great guy, so don't worry, you will find someone else eventually.

 

Thanks Trufita everyone keeps telling me this and although it is hard to believe now it is kind of comforting to think I will find the incredible feelings of being in love again. I guess the hardest thing for me is not knowing when it's going to happen now. After experiencing how beautiful it is to be in love it has changed me and I really want that feeling back again.

 

Plus the physical intimacy is something I am missing quite a lot. Sometimes I think I can get through this and then other days (like tonight) I get hit by dark thoughts and remembering happy memories which only makes me depressed and empty.

 

I know everyone is different but how long was it after your break up Trufita before you found someone new?

[Polak]

Don't worry, many of us have been through similar situations. Time is the healer of everything, as you've probably heard before, but it's so true. Don't let the dark days overshadow your life, things will get better! You have to make an effort to stay above it. Something that worked for me was finding stuff to stay busy with... the busier you are, the less you tend to think of her, especially as time goes on. I was in a situation where my first and so far only love left me after 2 years to go after a guy who she married less than a year later. I should mention that I was also her first. Took me a while to get over that but now I can say it with a smile, because I beat it! It took time (nothing is free! haha) but eventually I won the fight.

 

Ultimately it's next to impossible to sway a girl who goes back to her ex multiple times, so I would advise you not to even try to contact her. It won't do anything. Most you can hope for is that she regrets her actions in the future and realizes you were the best thing for her. Conversely, you can't hold onto the feelings that she is the only girl for you.... Sooner you let her go, sooner you can find someone who has no past baggage and can love you selflessly, better than Andrea could (you may think that's not possible, but that's because you're still stuck on her. Once again, time will allow you to realize this). Just like I hold to the belief that one day I'll find the right person for me, you should as well. It may be hard, but try to erase her from your mind, don't check Facebook or other online methods to see what she is up to, because that will only make you feel worse. See the other threads about NC (no contact) and why it is such an effective method after a breakup.

 

Being here on LS partially helped me to get through my tough time, so hopefully you can get some good stuff here. It's not worth thinking suicidal thoughts over a girl (and in my opinion suicide is never a good option, no excuses). It's good that you're seeking advice and researching how to improve your life at this point. It can only get better! Stay positive.

[Christophe]

Thanks for the positive words Polak.

 

I tried to send Andrea a short whatsapp message the other day hoping she would respond to me. I know she received it so she is ignoring me. I just asked how she was and told her what I've been up to, nothing about our relationship at all. It's annoying because when she broke up with me 10 weeks ago she said we could still contact each other. She has not contacted me at all and is ignoring my normal, inoffensive messages. Yesterday she posted another photo on FB of her and her boyfriend. I know I need to delete her from FB because it is too painful to see new photos of her looking great and happy without me.

 

I just can't believe how she changed from the sweet, shy girl I met earlier in the year who thought I was the best thing in the world o this cold-hearted girl who seemingly could not care less about me anymore. I know everyone says time will heal but I guess I am just scared because I have no idea how long it will take and if it is possible to ever have the feeling of falling in love again. I want that feeling again more than anything.

[HeavenOrHell]

I find it hard when people say you'll meet someone else in time (even though they mean well) because at the time you only want that person, so to think about someone new means letting go of hope of being with your ex.

What I do know is there can't possibly be only one love of our life out of 7 billion people in the world, even if it takes time to find them.

 

It might be hard for Andrea to contact you back as she may be feeling some guilt over what happened, or it might be painful for her, or it might be awkward for her as she knows you still have feelings for her and doesn't want to give you false hope.

 

Yes, please delete her from fb as you're torturing yourself, I think for me the way she treated me would now make me feel angry but I'd turn that into a positive force as it were to give me a **** it attitude, so I could move on as she's not worth your time or energy now.

 

It took me about 7 months, after the long r/ship I had, to fall in love again, I was quite amazed, never thought it would happen, but my feelings for him were as strong as for my ex, the r/ship was as good as what I'd had with my ex.

 

 

Thanks for the positive words Polak.

 

I tried to send Andrea a short whatsapp message the other day hoping she would respond to me. I know she received it so she is ignoring me. I just asked how she was and told her what I've been up to, nothing about our relationship at all. It's annoying because when she broke up with me 10 weeks ago she said we could still contact each other. She has not contacted me at all and is ignoring my normal, inoffensive messages. Yesterday she posted another photo on FB of her and her boyfriend. I know I need to delete her from FB because it is too painful to see new photos of her looking great and happy without me.

 

I just can't believe how she changed from the sweet, shy girl I met earlier in the year who thought I was the best thing in the world o this cold-hearted girl who seemingly could not care less about me anymore. I know everyone says time will heal but I guess I am just scared because I have no idea how long it will take and if it is possible to ever have the feeling of falling in love again. I want that feeling again more than anything.

[HeavenOrHell]

Hate to say it but could it have been a rebound r/ship for her? How long after her and her ex split did you and her meet?

She may have thrown herself into it as she wanted to, and hoped to, get over her ex, this doesn't mean she didn't have genuine feelings for you, but maybe her feelings for her ex were always stronger.

[Christophe]

Yes it seems like it was a rebound relationship for her. She was not ready even if at the time she thought she was. She made all these promises about wanting to grow old with me and was so excited to come and live with me and now they are meaningless. I think that is the hardest part for me to accept. I really thought she was the one.

 

I just deleted Andrea from FB this morning as I knew I could not carry on seeing how beautiful and happy she looks without me. I felt pretty bad after doing it but I am also relieved in a way.

 

I guess I have to look at many other people's experiences and believe it will happen again for me too when it is right. I had a friend who was with her ex for 2 years and he broke up with her. She was very depressed for 5 months and 7 months after the break up she met someone else. They live together now (the mutual friends who got me and Andrea together) and are sure they will get married soon.

 

I guess I have to accept somehow that I cannot change Andrea's mind and I can't compete with the history she has with her ex even if I know I am a better man for her. I wish this is not how things had turned out but I am starting to realise it is pointless going over and over it and wishing she would see the light. I really don't want this experience to ruin the rest of my life. I know I have learned valuable things about myself from Andrea that I can be loved and have the ability to love and make someone else so happy.

 

I know I deserve someone who will appreciate me completely and won't cling on to baggage from the past. Someone who sees me and only me. It is tough because I really thought Andrea was that girl.

 

I really do take faith from your story HeavenOrHell. When I am having bad times I really will try to remember that. I just wish I could fast forward now to meeting the next girl.

 

I feel very lucky to have met Andrea and I know she is not a bad person. Our situations just did not mean we could be together. I loved her with all my heart and I know I did everything I could. I also learned I know how to treat women and that love is worth the risk. I wish her the best but I just hope I don't regress and really feel the need to contact her after deleting her from FB.

 

PS - If it is true that I will meet someone as special if not more so than I am so excited because it means I can fall in love all over again and that is something to really look forward to!

[Christophe]

Today I am not feeling good at all. I deleted Andrea from Facebook on Monday after seeing another photo of her with her boyfriend. She never replied to my whatsapp message and I finally came to the decision to delete her.

 

I felt reasonably okay the last couple of days but today I feel terrible. I feel like I am questioning my decision to delete her even though I know to keep her makes me feel worse when seeing new photos and status updates seeing how happy she is and how great she looks.

 

Today I feel terrible and it's like all the good memories we had are flooding my mind and overwhelming me. In particular our first trip together when we met in Amsterdam. I cannot help thinking about it and right now I would give anything to be back in that moment with her. I know it is the past now and she seemingly does not care about me anymore but I am really struggling to come to terms with the loss again today.

 

I just feel a mixture of emotions I guess, anger, sadness, frustration, depression and so many more. I know it has only been a couple of days since I deleted her and i want to recover from this yet today is a setback and i really miss her. Any advice guys? I did not want to delete Andrea but it is like a dagger to the heart every time she puts up new photos (plus it makes me angry when I see her with her boyfriend cos they just don't look right)

 

Thank you all again for your helpful comments.

 

Chris

[Polak]

The faster you delete her from Facebook the better off you are, by no means should you regret your decision to delete her. As you noticed, seeing her new photos appearing happy makes you feel horrible. Why put yourself through it?

Try and take a break from Facebook in general, it will be good for you.

 

Keep yourself busy... seriously, go out and do something. Go biking, visit an arcade, take a buddy to Carmax and test drive some cars for fun, go see a movie, buy some Legos and put them together, go to a new restaurant w/ foreign food, literally anything will work, even if it's by yourself! At first a bunch of stuff will remind you of her, but if you focus on keeping yourself busy (aside from work, which I assume you spend enough time at) it will get so much easier.

 

And don't worry about the occasional step back in between the few steps forward. It's a journey, but after you power through you will thank yourself. Wallowing in misery is the worst thing you can do. Trust me on that! I did my fair share of feeling hopeless and realize now that it did absolutely nothing. But we all learn as we go along. Just stay positive!

[Christophe]

Thanks again for your positive words Polak.

 

I am really trying to turn the my thoughts around in the way I remember Andrea. The problem is I only have happy memories with her. I have to try and see her for what she is now.

 

I am seeking to do things to take my mind off her. I am going to a beginners salsa class tomorrow which I am both excited about and also scared to death of haha! I am going to start playing football again too and the main thing is a job. I am out of work now and applying for stuff so hopefully soon I will get some structure back to my life. I guess I have to write today off as a down day and hope that tomorrow will be better.

 

I know I should not wallow but it's that ghost of the great girl I knew that haunts me. It's difficult to stomach that this person no longer exists I guess.

 

I am thinking of taking a break from Facebook too cos it is not that healthy anyway. Particularly while I am unemployed I spend too much time going back and forth onto it when there is never anything interesting happening anyway. I hope today is a minor setback in my recovery.

[HeavenOrHell]

It will be very up and down for you for a while, but things will even out in time.

 

You've done the right thing by deleting Andrea from fb, I think you'll keep trying to see stuff on her page otherwise. Spend less time on fb if you can. I understand the fb thing is hard to let go of as it's your last contact with her, so it's no wonder you felt worse today.

 

You're doing great, what you're feeling is absolutely normal.

 

Good luck with the salsa, sounds like fun!

[Christophe]

I went to my first salsa class last night. Something me and Andrea always wanted to do together. It was fun and during the class I was focused on the dancing. However after I felt very empty and I really wished more than anything I was dancing with Andrea like we used to. It was so easy with her. I missed her a lot last night and woke up this morning feeling pretty flat. There are so many strong memories of dancing with Andrea and falling in love in my mind that it has really hit me today. I should be dancing with her. It just feels not right to be alone.

[Million.to.1]

I got up to the part you said you cut short your year long trip to NZ to a month because of her.

 

Being from Nz, that was a real shame. You should probably go back to your original plan now and come for a year. It's really nice here. It will take your mind off her, for sure.

 

Long distance relationships are tough mate. Even though I have a successful one, that's no longer LD, I consider it lucky and wouldn't ever tell anyone they are easy.

[Christophe]

Hi mate.

 

Yeah I did and I only ended up seeing the North island. I had already got the Working Holiday visa so I could not go back again unfortunately. I enjoyed my time in New Zealand and did some cool stuff but I know I did not enjoy it completely because I missed my girlfriend a lot and hated being so far away from her. I don't know if I would go that far away again. There are still lots of places in Europe I want to visit.

 

Yes you are lucky I guess. Me and Andrea was only a 2 hour flight difference but still obviously she went back to her ex. It sucks that I was pretty powerless in that situation cos I was not there physically for her all the time and he was always in the background. I have had some real up and down days recently but today I really miss her.

[HeavenOrHell]

I totally understand the empty feeling, that empty lonely feeling because it's her you want to be doing those things with and no-one else.

 

 

I went to my first salsa class last night. Something me and Andrea always wanted to do together. It was fun and during the class I was focused on the dancing. However after I felt very empty and I really wished more than anything I was dancing with Andrea like we used to. It was so easy with her. I missed her a lot last night and woke up this morning feeling pretty flat. There are so many strong memories of dancing with Andrea and falling in love in my mind that it has really hit me today. I should be dancing with her. It just feels not right to be alone.

[Christophe]

I totally understand the empty feeling, that empty lonely feeling because it's her you want to be doing those things with and no-one else.

 

Yes I hate the feeling. It just all feels wrong without her.

 

I feel very strange the last few days. I feel like I am starting to miss Andrea more again. The whole dancing thing sparked it I guess.

I know any further contact is futile but I am really struggling to come to terms with how cold she is now. She would not even reply to my inoffensive message last week asking how she was doing.I feel like this recovery is going to take a long time and I feel like everything with her was so meaningless now

It seems she wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

Part of me wishes I could forget the beautiful sweet girl I met in January now.

[Christophe]

I am starting to fill my life with things again now. I have just got a new job starting Monday (not my ideal job but hopefully will be better than expected), I am drawing up a 4 times a week gym routine, I am going to a salsa class once a week and will start playing football again once a week. In addition to this I am going to start learning Spanish again on my own. If the desire and motivation comes back I will continue this but if not I will leave it. I enjoyed learning before I met Andrea so I want to find that enjoyment again.

 

In terms of missing Andrea I am hoping I will be able to start viewing her as I have viewed other girls from my past. The difference is these other girls were only crushes and I was never actually in a relationship with them like I was with Andrea yet I hope I can think of Andrea in the same way as these other girls.

 

I met a girl called Rachel on a night out in 2010. She was with her boyfriend at the time and I only spoke to her a little that night but became obsessed with her. I thought she was so beautiful and perfect yet I hardly knew her! I did not get over her for just over a year, i really did think about her all the time and how badly I wanted her. It seems crazy now that I could think like this about someone who was unavailable and I met once! The funny thing is after a year or so I stopped obsessing about her and realized I was no longer attracted to her like I was. Now I never think about her.

 

I had similar experiences with 3 or 4 other girls between Rachel in 2010 and meeting Andrea at the start of 2014 and with each one I guess I was obsessed with what could have been. Nothing ever happened with any of them even though at the time I thought they were all perfect for me. The lesson I learned is that other girls always come along. Even when I think I won't find anyone better I do. I know now I have to try and think of Andrea like this.

 

As I said I feel it will be more difficult to take this view as she was my first physical relationship and not a fantasy like the other girls. However, I believe if I can get to this state of mind that better women are waiting around the corner I think this could really help me. What do you guys think?

[AlephNull]

There's not much I can say but hey, keep your chin up! I'm glad your life is looking better.

And hey, learn that Spanish! It's not a bad language... once you get used to nouns having a gender!

I'm rooting for you man!