Nearing the end of my rope

[cat]

Hi all,

 

Not sure if this belongs in the LDR (since I'm in one) or in the regular dating section since I'd prolly be having the same issue with my BF even if we were in the same place

 

I'll try to be brief. We met on a weeklong vacation in January. It was good, I had a good feeling about him. He's nice, kind, good man overall. We live about 7 hours drive apart. It just so happened that I could spend March and April pretty much with him either during the week or every weekend so we spent time together and got to know each other more.

 

His job is busy this time of year, and I understand that, I really do. I work remotely so I can travel and still work. I'm willing to do more right now but... here's the deal.

 

I was an hour away from him in May (with no car since I flew) but he didn't driive to see me. I had another chance to come down in late May but he said no, he's too busy. I went down for two weeks at the end of June. It was an OK visit but it took a week or so to reconnect. As a matter of fact, I'm two hours away from him right now but he didn't even mention coming to see me, and I'm not going to drive down there again without some effort from him.

 

I haven't seen him since July 3. He will be very busy until Mid september but I asked him why he can't just look at his calendar and pick a time when he will come and see me. Even if it's mid-October, at least I'll know he's thinking about it. Or why isn't he asking me when/if I can come back? When I ask him, he just says he doesn't know.

 

I sent him an email a couple weeks ago (better way to communicate with him) that said, basically, "I need to know when we're going to see each other again. I don't care when it is, it's just been 8 months and I think we should be at that place." He didn't even acknowledge having received the email. When I asked him about it, he just said "I didn't acknowledge it because I don't know when." I said it would mean a lot to me if he just acknowledged my feelings and that the fact that he didn't acknowledge it made me very nervous about the future/big picture.

 

So... I will be in another place the first weekend in September. He said he might be able to go there (it's closer to his house). He never said whether he would go or not so after a week and a half I just made my other plans (still to be in the same area) and assumed he wasn't able to go because of work. So, he tells me last night after I tell him of my other plans that he is in fact planning to go that weekend. I ask him to change to the next weekend, he says No, that's impossible. So now I'm stuck rearranging my plans if I want to see him. I explain that I'm frustrated but I say "OK, where do you want to stay? Who do you want to spend time with during that weekend?" and he says "I'm not making a plan, I'm just going to let things work out and plan at the last minute."

 

So, it occurs to me that he's planning a vacation, not a trip to see me, and it's just really convenient that I'm gonna be there. So I say no way, that doesn't work for me at all. Either we plan since we're in a relationship or we're not in the kind of relationship I want to be in.

 

A couple other pieces of information--

1) There is absolutely no chance that there's another woman.

2) we talk on the phone every day, though the conversations aren't on the level that I would like.

3) He says he loves me and really wants me to be happy with him.

4) he's 41 and never married (I'm 35.) He's never really had to plan his life around someone else.

5) I would be the one to move to his town, which is actually OK with me. I love it there! I have thought about moving there anyway and just getting my own place.

 

I just don't know what to do here. I am considering telling him I just need a break so I can see what my life is like without him and see if it's worth all the effort/frustration to make this work.

 

I feel right now like I'm in a relationship with his potential. Every other man I've been with has been way more demonstrative and eager to see me. It's a function of his personality but I'm not sure I can handle it.

 

Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

You are clearly not a priority. If you are OK with a catch as catch can casual thing punctuated by phone conversations, leave things as they are. If you are expecting him to make an effort, don't hold your breath.

[Zahara]

I don't believe he is invested in you or the relationship. Forcing someone to see you is an apparent sign that they're not really hard pressed to be wth you. If you're okay with turning your plans and life around to accommodate what he wants, then do so but if you are looking for commitment and investment, I don't think he has it for you.

 

1) There is absolutely no chance that there's another woman.

 

People that co-habitate find the time to cheat. He may not be cheating but he probably doesn't have the emotional capacity to sustain an LDR.

 

2) we talk on the phone every day, though the conversations aren't on the level that I would like.

 

It's not very difficult to maintain phone contact when someone is just keeping up appearances. It doesn't mean anything.

 

3) He says he loves me and really wants me to be happy with him.

 

Actions, not words. What are his actions telling you? Be happy with him -- he knows you're not happy but he's showing you he doesn't care.

 

4) he's 41 and never married (I'm 35.) He's never really had to plan his life around someone else.

 

That's not an excuse. Then he shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

5) I would be the one to move to his town, which is actually OK with me. I love it there! I have thought about moving there anyway and just getting my own place.

 

You want to move there because of him. Make the decision to move when you are emotionally clear and detached from him.

Edited August 19, 2014 by Zahara

[justwhoiam]

I think common sense lies in the middle.

 

I think he might be in big stress and not feeling like driving late at night and risk dozing off at the wheel. And he probably relies on the fact that you can meet up quite easily anyway. It's not like you come from another continent and it's his only chance to meet you.

 

But if you want to see how far he's ready to go for you, you can stop traveling to him and let him know you won't see him anymore until when he comes to you. Men hate any drama, but sad to say they often act last second, when they realize they're about to lose that special person in their life.

[greenfairie]

If a man wants you, he'll make that clear. No offense, but from what I read he doesn't want you. You don't need to e-mail and ask if he's acknowledged it. That seems a bit desperate to me. If he did, he would let you know that. You deserve someone better.

 

 

Hi all,

 

Not sure if this belongs in the LDR (since I'm in one) or in the regular dating section since I'd prolly be having the same issue with my BF even if we were in the same place

 

I'll try to be brief. We met on a weeklong vacation in January. It was good, I had a good feeling about him. He's nice, kind, good man overall. We live about 7 hours drive apart. It just so happened that I could spend March and April pretty much with him either during the week or every weekend so we spent time together and got to know each other more.

 

His job is busy this time of year, and I understand that, I really do. I work remotely so I can travel and still work. I'm willing to do more right now but... here's the deal.

 

I was an hour away from him in May (with no car since I flew) but he didn't driive to see me. I had another chance to come down in late May but he said no, he's too busy. I went down for two weeks at the end of June. It was an OK visit but it took a week or so to reconnect. As a matter of fact, I'm two hours away from him right now but he didn't even mention coming to see me, and I'm not going to drive down there again without some effort from him.

 

I haven't seen him since July 3. He will be very busy until Mid september but I asked him why he can't just look at his calendar and pick a time when he will come and see me. Even if it's mid-October, at least I'll know he's thinking about it. Or why isn't he asking me when/if I can come back? When I ask him, he just says he doesn't know.

 

I sent him an email a couple weeks ago (better way to communicate with him) that said, basically, "I need to know when we're going to see each other again. I don't care when it is, it's just been 8 months and I think we should be at that place." He didn't even acknowledge having received the email. When I asked him about it, he just said "I didn't acknowledge it because I don't know when." I said it would mean a lot to me if he just acknowledged my feelings and that the fact that he didn't acknowledge it made me very nervous about the future/big picture.

 

So... I will be in another place the first weekend in September. He said he might be able to go there (it's closer to his house). He never said whether he would go or not so after a week and a half I just made my other plans (still to be in the same area) and assumed he wasn't able to go because of work. So, he tells me last night after I tell him of my other plans that he is in fact planning to go that weekend. I ask him to change to the next weekend, he says No, that's impossible. So now I'm stuck rearranging my plans if I want to see him. I explain that I'm frustrated but I say "OK, where do you want to stay? Who do you want to spend time with during that weekend?" and he says "I'm not making a plan, I'm just going to let things work out and plan at the last minute."

 

So, it occurs to me that he's planning a vacation, not a trip to see me, and it's just really convenient that I'm gonna be there. So I say no way, that doesn't work for me at all. Either we plan since we're in a relationship or we're not in the kind of relationship I want to be in.

 

A couple other pieces of information--

1) There is absolutely no chance that there's another woman.

2) we talk on the phone every day, though the conversations aren't on the level that I would like.

3) He says he loves me and really wants me to be happy with him.

4) he's 41 and never married (I'm 35.) He's never really had to plan his life around someone else.

5) I would be the one to move to his town, which is actually OK with me. I love it there! I have thought about moving there anyway and just getting my own place.

 

I just don't know what to do here. I am considering telling him I just need a break so I can see what my life is like without him and see if it's worth all the effort/frustration to make this work.

 

I feel right now like I'm in a relationship with his potential. Every other man I've been with has been way more demonstrative and eager to see me. It's a function of his personality but I'm not sure I can handle it.

 

Thoughts?

[OnlyHonesty]

He's emotionally unavaliable and used to being single. His behaviour is crystal clear yet you still continue to exert effort. My suggestion to you is to face the truth.

[cat]

Well, you are probably all right. He certainly is emotionally unavailable to me. But I don't think it's just me, I think he's pretty much emotionally unavailable to everyone. But from what I hear, this is the most open he's ever been. He's a very quiet person and people tell me he's the most open about me/us that he's ever been (I'm friends with many of his friends in his town) and in some ways I KNOW he's trying. He says he's trying. He calls (he just doesn't have much to say). He's sweet, says he loves me, I think he really wants to get married (!) That's partly why this breaks my heart-- is that I know he's trying and it's not enough.

 

Yeah, the word "fantasy" doesn't resonate with me but I definitely am frustrated and know that the potential of this turning into something I want is slim. I've hung on this long because there just seems to be a little hope. But this week is the last straw. I don't think he did it to be mean or dismissive of me intentionally, I honestly think he doesn't know how-- he doesn't know how to be in a relationship. I really don't want to teach him. Not with the distance.

[Zahara]

I think you make too many excuses for him. One doesn't have to know how to be in a relationship to want and make the effort to spend time with someone they love. What that translates to me is someone not being emotionally available to invest and manage a relationship and partner. Two different things.

 

It doesn't matter if he has been this way with others. That's irrelevant to what you need and want in a relationship.

 

An ex of mine was a really quiet guy, but he ended up cheating on me. In that sense, try not to focus too much of these little things because they don't mean much. And if this is the most open he has been, I can't imagine how he functioned in his other relationships. And at this age, he's probably set in his selfish ways.

 

If something as basic as meeting you is so difficult, I'm not sure that he is trying. You don't teach people how to be in relationship so that it suits your needs. If he wants to make it work, he'll make all the effort to compromise and work with you.

Edited August 20, 2014 by Zahara

[Els]

I can understand someone being busy and unable to slot a 7-hour drive in... but he didn't even come to see you even once when you were one or two hours away? That's pretty much bullshyt - chances are that he just isn't invested in the R at all.

 

Regardless of whether he is truly clueless or not, the fact remains that he's making no attempt to participate in the R or to see you. IMO that should tell you all that you need to know. LDRs are an investment. There is zero purpose in investing in someone who isn't investing in you.