What is wrong with me? Emotions out of control

[loldruid1]

Hi, I can someone please assist me in figuring out/navigating my emotions. I will start with trying to describe my feelings as well as my questions. I feel very anxious about this one woman, but I don’t know why. I feel fragmented. I am romantically interested in this woman who lives in another state. She too has explicitly expressed her interest in me as well. The problem that we both recognize is that this is a long distance relationship. She told me that I am “it,” that I am the one she hopes to marry someday. She said she is committed to me. I find this quite interesting since we’ve only been “seeing” each other romantically for only about 4 months (we’ve visited each other physically for short periods of time).

 

Anyway, we both have agreed to not put on any labels on our relationship due to the fact that it is difficult for us to be together physically, despite our feelings towards each other. She said that if she were my girlfriend, that she would in essence, need me to be there physically, so that I can give her my all, and she can give me her all. I agreed because I feel the same way, I don’t want to make her my girlfriend yet, I want my feelings for her to grow slowly overtime, and maybe in the future she can be my girlfriend or more. We both like each other, but long distance is really hard on us, which is why we are reluctant to enter into any official serious type of relationship. See, I agree with this, I actually don’t really want to make her my girlfriend yet. And now here comes the problem and confusion.

We were having fun and everything was going great, until she called me her “pseudo-significant-other.” When she said this, it produced these emotions that I don’t quite understand. I guess I felt hurt. I don’t understand why though, that is the reality of the situation, as I said above, we both agreed to be this way, and mentally that seems right to me. When she said the word “pseudo” thoughts starting running through my mind of: “Is this fake to her?” “We are in a fake relationship?” “Is she just jerking me around?” “Is she just using me or something?” I don’t know, but now I just feel anxious, I can hardly eat or sleep. After she said that, I didn’t say anything, and just told her that “It was nice talking to you, I’ll talk to you later.” So she didn’t suspect anything wrong.

 

When she called me a “pseudo-significant other” I became sad, anxious, and hurt. I know that she really likes me, and is really interested in me. But, knowing these things, why is it that I feel so bad, so anxious about her. I don’t understand what my feelings are trying to communicate to me. I also need to mention that we are going to see each other physically in a few weeks and sleep with each other. She also said that she wants to visit me in September as well.

 

So, can someone please help me figure out why I feel so anxious, hurt, sad, or maybe even insecure triggered by her calling me a “pseudo-significant other?” Obviously, there is something wrong with me.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're upset because you want to be her significant other. Eff this "pseudo" noise. You either want a relationship or you don't. This "pseudo" business is likely to continue as long as you're in different places, geographically. Ask yourself if that's really enough for you. I think your emotions are telling you it isn't.

[Elias33]

You need to let her know that you want to label this as real. True emotions are on the scale, thus it is logical that you feel saddened if any lesser terms are used. Open up and communicate this to her. Tell her also what she means to you, and what you want. May as well lay it out in the open, now.

[justwhoiam]

I agree with the previous comments.

 

Funny how people strive to be wise and all and then ignore how they're trying to fool themselves.

 

Your feelings confuse you because you are confused.

 

My comments:

1) You said "I want my feelings for her to grow slowly overtime". I know that when you're in love, you feel you're in love and think "I can't love him/her more than this, I already love him/her all there is". Then after a year, if you're still in love, you realize you love him/her even more. That's how it grows when you're in love: thinking it's already at its peak, just to realize that your feelings can ceaselessly grow and reach new levels each time. But you start from a different point, that is you want to see it growing. So that either means you're not in love, or you're looking forward to falling deep in love with her, or even that you kept yourself from falling because she lives far from you. Whatever the case, think about it, and some of your confusion might start to dissipate.

2) You made it clear you didn't want any label, then got hurt when you felt like practically nothing to someone who's important to you. You made your bed in which you now must lie. Even if she agreed to that, do you really think that's what she wanted? She wanted a significant other, and you are not that. Calling you a "pseudo significant other" means you resemble one, in that you spend time together, probably there's mutual trust, you shared stuff like couples do, but you are no one to her and she's nothing to you. Because of this agreement of not calling each other nothing. I'm not sure where this is going, probably she doesn't know either, and it's just understandable that she might feel down at times because of this, and throws in a statement like that. I myself wouldn't hide how it'd make me feel.