Gutted,GF broke up with me got pregnant within few weeks

[Thecelt]

I met my gf just over 3.5 years ago, even though there is an age gap we were crazy about each other the first year , even though it was long distance most of the time we still got to spend sometimes as long as a couple of months living together or else even a weekend every 6-8 weeks, but we talked constantly on the phone.

As we entered the second year we argued a lot,long distance is hard and she enjoyed her weekends out partying with her friends but always swore I could trust her which I did to a point as I am a bit insecure due to a previous relationship, but as this girl was obsessed with me in her own words I trusted her.

Then after two years my contract was up and I had to go back to Europe, I promised her I would be back and I genuinely meant it, but once I get back home it was harder to talk as much with the time difference then she started to get really crazy jealous and we started arguing like crazy, with both of us saying really hurtful stuff , till in the heat of the moment we broke up, over the next 6 months even though we had broken up we constantly talked, with her always initiating it but it always ended with her asking to get back with me and I would tell her I love her but we needed time apart as I found it hard to forgive her for constantly trying to get my attention with status updates of different guys, by this stage both of us were dating different people.

 

Then I got a job offer again in the states ,I went over and she met me at the airport which I didn’t ask for but straight away we took up where we left off, even though we were only going to see each other for a weekend each month at first, the following month I came and stayed at her house for a week and she came and stayed with me the next month.

I was really happy and all those niggling doubts I had about her I started to ignore, she told me how heartbroken she was when I left and how much it affected her and I genuinely felt really bad, I totally crushed her, so I started being a lot more thoughtful, we still had our rows but we had this really strong connection where we both knew each other and never let the rows simmer too long.

 

Things were going as well as they ever were and she told me she was so happy, then one weekend when we had not seen each other in 4 weeks we had a silly argument about her not calling me back which escalated into bringing up old stuff about the year we spend apart and we broke up again.

A week later I realised I missed her, I called her and told her this, she told me she was scared I was going to go home again like last year and leave her and she would get hurt again, I promised her this would not happen again and that we can go on holiday together next month and come home to Europe with me for the holidays, she agreed, but over the next few weeks we could never get the consistency back and just kept arguing with her going out of her way to let me down and we constantly broke up and got back together, with her saying she needed to be left alone then saying she was afraid of getting her heart broken again.

I asked her up front if she had been with anybody else, just say the word and I would walk away forever, but she said no and swore that there was nobody,then after another row I finally I gave up and walked away for good I thought.

 

1 week later she started constantly calling me and messaging me, she told me how much she missed me but I told her she had her chance, she kept at it until I softened up and we had a really long chat ,a real heart to heart and everything came out, she told me she could no longer do long distance and that she would marry me today if that’s what I wanted, I told her we needed to take things slow so let’s see how we go on holidays together, then we can make plans for her to move out to me.

 

Then today she called me said she had something to tell me, out of the blue she told me last week she had an abortion, the baby wasn’t mine and it was with some guy she had met once , she insisted this was while we were broke up and seemed to think we could work through this, I screamed abuse at her and told her I never want to see her again.

I know if I had of made a solid commitment to her and not have left it this late this would not have happened but in the 6 weeks since we started arguing I constantly tried to get her back and made promises to her, now I am gutted, maybe she met him while we were still together I don’t know she insists she didn't.

I had walked away from her last 2 weeks ago, at this time she knew she was pregnant and had planned an abortion yet she chased me still, it would have been so much easier to let me go.

I know I was the only guy she has ever wanted to be with, I am the love of her life and I didn't always show my feelings due to being hurt before but I feel I hate her at the moment and want revenge and never ever want to see her again, she is poison.

A female friend of mine has told me I am being too hard, she said this girl has laid her heart on the line for me and I crushed it, then didn’t take the second chance I got ,she has made a mistake but I should be there for her or at least be civil.

Am I being too hard?I don't think she understands the gravity of what just happened regards the abortion, and I know she will be alone now,but at the same time I feel its not my problem.

[bubbaganoosh]

I think the best thing to do is move on as quick as possible or pay a huge price.

 

Look. It seems that your post has nothing but you and her fighting and making up, then fighting and blah blah blah. That isn't a relationship. Far from it.

 

Find someone who you can have a relationship with that you get along with. You two don't get along. Your whole post proves it.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

At least she aborted it when she came to you. Most women come back when they still have another man's baby inside them. And that is the only positive thing I can say from this.

[Thecelt]

Why would I be desperate??,because I met somebody I really liked and tried to make a go of it even though we didnt live in the same post code?

Its a long distance relationship forum and your asking me that,seriously?? I must have touched a nerve.

Bumpkin,babba thanks for taking the time to read my post.

From day one she wanted to come live with me but I pushed back,not wanting to jump in,never offering her any kind of commitmenet for a future together,and everything was on my terms so suppose she was always gonna get tired of waiting and dump me, I would have prefered if she had not told me about getting pregnant though..

Onwards and upwards I suppose!

[TAV]

OP, I don't know if she has been faithful to you whilst you were together or not but I do notice the great amount of drama in your relationship with her. It must cost you both a ton of energy to keep this up, so you should consider if being together is good for either of you.

 

If you decide you want to give it another try I would work towards closing the gap soon because the lack of a solid plan for the future seems to be causing most of the upset.

Edited August 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[justwhoiam]

I met my gf just over 3.5 years ago, even though there is an age gap

Are you older than her? Or is she older than you? By how many years?

 

we had a silly argument about her not calling me back

So you started it.

 

she told me she could no longer do long distance and that she would marry me today if that’s what I wanted, I told her we needed to take things slow so let’s see how we go on holidays together, then we can make plans for her to move out to me.

Most men hate being put to the test by women. So guess how she felt while she was stuck in trial mode for 3.5 years, on an ongoing roller coaster. She finally told you she couldn't do it any more. And that meant she couldn't deal with all the uncertainty. She strayed, and she must have felt horrible. She dealt with the consequences of her choices alone, this might be due to several reasons:

1. culture & background (she might have been brought up thinking or taught that it's only a woman's decision whether to keep the baby or to abort)

2. environment & peer pressure (her friends told her it's only her business, or she might know other girls/women who dealt with the same problem a certain way, and that influenced her decision)

3. no friend role (you were seldom there for her, as a friend)

4. lack of dialog/communication on important subjects (you never tackled the abortion topic, which I find weird, but that's just me, because I always made sure my partner knew my point of view on this, and this would usually happen when starting to have a sexual life with my partner)

5. guilt (the baby was not yours, and she was afraid to even let you know what happened or having to explain how)

6. break up (break ups create even more distance, often there's no contact at all)

7. taking 100% responsibility (not involving you in her decision or decision process, she took all the responsibility for her actions, meaning good, because a trouble shared is a trouble halved, and she didn't involve you in her trouble)

 

There might be more reasons, of course, but I mentioned the most common ones.

 

I screamed abuse at her and told her I never want to see her again.

...

Am I being too hard?

I guess that was your instinctive reaction, and it seems legit. If I were you, I would want to see the papers, and see in what pregnancy week she had the abortion. I'd prefer to know when that happened. She might refuse to share any detail, and that would be a definitive/conclusive dealbreaker for me. Or she might be open to it.

 

I would have prefered if she had not told me about getting pregnant though..

You would have preferred she hadn't had any pregnancy. That's different. Now you think it would have been better if she hadn't told you about it. But guess if then the relationship had progressed and you had found out years later. That would have been worse. Edited August 8, 2014 by justwhoiam

[Thecelt]

Thanks for the advice..

There is 8 years between us I am older at 31.

The reason we never spoke about the abortion was that she only told me a few days after it had happened which was this week, we were broken up for about 8 weeks but a few times we would get back together and then argue again and I knew there was something wrong as she’s never been distant like that, so seems that it she slept with somebody else after we broke up then when we got back talking and I finally told her how I felt, she was happy but hesitant which I now know why as she knew how I would react.

 

We have only spent one weekend together the 10 weeks prior to us breaking up.

She wants to give up everything and move out to live with me, this is all she has ever wanted but I never wanted to over commit if I am being honest and now I really really regret as I never gave us a fair shot this but I think its too late as this is something I don’t think I can move past.

[OnlyHonesty]

Firstly I think you are in a fantasy and this is what made you miss all of the redflags. Secondly you have no idea how lucky you are that you managed to dodge the bullet.

 

She either cheated on you, lied to you and she has aborted someone elses child all without telling you anything until now. My advice to you, run as fast and as far as you can and don't look back.

 

What you will probably do?

 

The complete opposite but you are being given a chance to avoid serious future problems here, I suggest you take note of them and act accordingly. Don't say you weren't warned.

 

Also, never listen to her friends, they are bias and will downplay everything.

[TMichaels]

I guess I don't get what your problem is Thecelt.

 

Is it that this woman is no longer a virgin?

 

That she was "deflowered" by someone else?

 

That she was pregnant and unmarried?

 

That you weren't the one to make her pregnant?

 

That she had an abortion?

 

You two were no longer a couple when this all happened if I understand what you wrote correctly, so why is she persona non grata now in your opinion?

 

It's not clear to me.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Thecelt]

Sorry for delay TMichaels,was just thinking of the right answer,I suppose the fact that she slept with somebody so soon really pisses me off and that she was dumb enough to get pregnant,I suppose my ego is damaged as well if I am being honest.

She swears it was while we were not together and was a one night stand and didn't involve me in any way after it as it wasn't my problem.

While we were apart for the first time in 3 years I realised I had been an ass with her previously and finally wanted to commit more,so when she contacted me I was happy,till she told me about everything so have just cut her off and told her I dont want to be with her.