SO's sudden change of behaviour, hurting so much

[blugirl]

I'll try to be quick with this one but please, bear with me, I really need help.

 

We've been "together" (it's an exclusive "relationship" cause we're not interested in pursuing other people) for 5yrs already but we haven't met yet - I know, sounds crazy but we both haven't had enough money so far to meet up and finally this year he's been promoted so he said he'll be able to come visit me in November 2014 or January 2015. The reason we've been still holding on to each other is, we believe we are each other's soulmate cause we are very similar, have a lot things in common, have lots of exactly same opinions on important (to us) matters and we rarely quarrel, always trying to calmly and quickly resolve any conflicts or issues and we can still talk for hours and not get bored with each other. I'm 26, he's 34.

 

That said, everything's been fine until Wednesday.

On Saturday he used his credit card and money to help me buy the ticket to a concert I've been dreaming to see live (I'll give him money back after I get my salary, through paypal, in 2 weeks so it's not like he sponsored the ticket for me) and I've been so grateful to him for help. Then on Wednesday we were chatting through couple app when he was at work and I said the ticket had already arrived so he asked me to show him the ticket, which made me pleasantly surprised that he wants to see it. Then I asked him something else but he just replied 'gtg' and signed off. But I left a few messages after that for him to reply to.

 

Usually I have internet data plan on my phone and we msg each other every single day through whatsapp but currently can't afford a new one so I haven't had it since last week. So the only way I can reach him now is a text msg/ facebook/ skype/ couple app PC sign-in version. So the rest of Wednesday passed - silence. Thursday - silence. On Friday afternoon I couldn't stand it anymore so I wrote to him on skype when he was at work that I left a few msgs on couple - but I was already wondering why hasn't he checked it till then. And you know what did he do?

I logged back in to couple 5 mins later, only to see his 3-liner reply, one of which was the information that he's going to spend more time on his PC during weekends (the only time we can chat for longer during the whole week) cause he's going to play some online server game. So he replied immediately BUT he let me know on skype only 20 mins later "done" and quickly signed off. I think it looks like he's done it on purpose so that I don't have time to check the msgs on couple and talk back to him on skype....

 

Just 3 weeks after I asked him to spend more time with me talking on weekends. He likes to play but he rarely has time to do so. I instantly got scared that he's going to meet someone through playing that game and I coudn't hold it in anymore. I said that it's extremely hurftul ignoring me and our means of contact for 2 days without a reason, that apparently a game is more important for him than me and so on and so forth.

 

It's Saturday evening right now and he hasn't read those msgs yet. He hasn't signed in to whatsapp since Thursday and hasn't been on facebook since Wednesday.

My mind is making up thousand scenarios of what is going on, including a serious suspicion that he's with some girl right now. I'm going crazy, I've been crying since ytd and I don't know what's going on, why he suddenly stopped contacting me, why is he ignoring me. It hurts so badly. I don't know what to do if he contacts me again. For now I will just wait, although I feel like ripping his guts apart for how he's making me feel right now. If he contacts me again and turns out there was a silly reason for it, I will still have to let him know and show him he can't treat me like that, that probably means some silent treatment.

 

Please guys, do you have any ideas why he suddenly disappeared off the surface of the world to me and what to do after he contacts me? Please help, iI'm so confused, such a situation has never taken place before and I never had any reasons to distrust him. He always went an extra mile to show me there's nothing to worry if I ever felt anxious. So why now....? What is going on...?

Edited August 2, 2014 by blugirl

[tsev20]

That's tough because its all through social media and online. It would be hard to be in a relationship like that. Have you tried to meet anyone outside of him? Since you've been talking to him. Read my post to and tell me what you think

[blugirl]

That's tough because its all through social media and online. It would be hard to be in a relationship like that. Have you tried to meet anyone outside of him? Since you've been talking to him. Read my post to and tell me what you think

No because it seems we match so well. That's why we want to meet to see if it really is like that in real life as well - and if yes, we'll start making plans to move in together and finish the LDR part.

Besides, throughout those years I nevermet anyone interesting anyway so it's not like I lost anything.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Please guys, do you have any ideas why he suddenly disappeared off the surface of the world to me and what to do after he contacts me? Please help, iI'm so confused, such a situation has never taken place before and I never had any reasons to distrust him. He always went an extra mile to show me there's nothing to worry if I ever felt anxious. So why now....? What is going on...?

 

I know this will be hard because feelings are attached but think rationally. He has never ever met you in real life. Maybe after 5 yrs he's fed up or wary of an online relationship when he can be having one in real life. 34 is kind of too old to put life on hold for 5yrs for someone whom you've never ever even interacted with in real life.

 

I am sorry but you should move on. This is not good for your emotional or mental health. This is a fantasy relationship. Go out, and try to meet people in the mean time. Don't contact him anymore either. Let him contact you. You need to display your own sense of self worth by not chasing a man who really doesn't seem to be that into you (anymore).

 

Another logical point is that if neither party could afford to see each other, even if both pooled together money for one to go where the other is, then there is no point. LDR require lots of communication, a reasonable deadline to which both parties will be at the same place at the same time and $$. Anything void of these components would be just deluding oneself and it's not healthy.

 

You are clearly capable of being a loyal, loving person and surely someone in your area can appreciate that and treat you right. He might have just given up and has not had the guts to tell you directly. I hope it gets better for you but it's really insane to call anyone your boyfriend whom you have never met in the 5 yrs of "courtship." I hope you meet a nice guy near you very soon and that will make you view this situation for what it really is, not what you wanted it to be.

[blugirl]

It's ok now, he replied in the morning and he explained everything to me, valid reasons, and apologised for making me agonised. He's very busy at work now so we have made a rule to always make sure to contact each other or at least send one-liner within 2 days' time not to worry the other person. It's an LDR after all.

He also asked me to help create an itinerary for his trip here, help find good flight deals and asked me whether I prefer November or January. It still doesn't occur to me he is really coming here (finally!!)

Nomadic_butterfly, funny but it was him worrying at some point in the past that he's putting my life on hold but we are very commited to each other cause sparks are flying when we interact and we feel we have a deep connection and understanding, like with no one else before, so we would both deeply regret it if we never met and wouldn't be able to see if it's like that IRL, too.

[justwhoiam]

we both haven't had enough money so far to meet up

He'll never have money to visit you. He makes, what, 290€ a month and is supporting his family with that money. It's enough to eat and pay the bills. Not much left to squander.

But what about you? It looks like you never made real plans to go there.

1) You never planned to visit him in his own country, because you're scared to even set foot on the Philippines.

2) Two years ago, you said you were going to complete your master degree in a country near him, but you didn't follow through.

3) You then said you finally had a job, so I assume you completed your master degree, but now, even with a job, you can't afford a flight and traveling

 

That says enough about dreams vs reality. You do not seem to be very realistic in your plans, or do not try too hard to get what you want.

 

Also, he's a 34 year-old man. I hate to say this. But do you really and honestly think that he was celibate 100% of the time in those 5 years? I mean this is real life. There might be girls engaging in sexual favors and stuff just for a meal. Refusing his culture and refusing to get a taste of it first-hand, you'll miss his background, you'll never know what it feels like to live in his environment, and so on. I know I've always wanted to know everything about where he lives, and I was there several times. I even wanted to visit his father at the cemetary, though we didn't get a chance to do that yet, as it's in a different state from where he currently lives. But really, I want to breathe the air he breathes. Because we love each other.

 

Can you really claim you know him well? I know you spend time chatting. But it's also true that you had months of hardly talking to each other due to his broken computer. When you have such long gaps, anything can happen. Or when you hear from one another twice a week. Or even when your only communication is through a couple of texts a day.

 

Try to be real about this man and any interaction with him. He also told you he's not willing to move to your country or leave his country anyway. He doesn't feel like abandoning his environment, way of life, culture, traditions, etc.

 

So, are you willing to move to his country for good? Live with his family? Live poorly? With almost no comforts? Counting coins?

 

Just be serious now and ask yourself if you can deal with all that. You are 26 now. You need to decide the course of your life.

[blugirl]

He'll never have money to visit you. He makes, what, 290€ a month and is supporting his family with that money. It's enough to eat and pay the bills. Not much left to squander.

But what about you? It looks like you never made real plans to go there.

1) You never planned to visit him in his own country, because you're scared to even set foot on the Philippines.

2) Two years ago, you said you were going to complete your master degree in a country near him, but you didn't follow through.

3) You then said you finally had a job, so I assume you completed your master degree, but now, even with a job, you can't afford a flight and traveling

 

That says enough about dreams vs reality. You do not seem to be very realistic in your plans, or do not try too hard to get what you want.

 

Also, he's a 34 year-old man. I hate to say this. But do you really and honestly think that he was celibate 100% of the time in those 5 years? I mean this is real life. There might be girls engaging in sexual favors and stuff just for a meal. Refusing his culture and refusing to get a taste of it first-hand, you'll miss his background, you'll never know what it feels like to live in his environment, and so on. I know I've always wanted to know everything about where he lives, and I was there several times. I even wanted to visit his father at the cemetary, though we didn't get a chance to do that yet, as it's in a different state from where he currently lives. But really, I want to breathe the air he breathes. Because we love each other.

 

Can you really claim you know him well? I know you spend time chatting. But it's also true that you had months of hardly talking to each other due to his broken computer. When you have such long gaps, anything can happen. Or when you hear from one another twice a week. Or even when your only communication is through a couple of texts a day.

 

Try to be real about this man and any interaction with him. He also told you he's not willing to move to your country or leave his country anyway. He doesn't feel like abandoning his environment, way of life, culture, traditions, etc.

 

So, are you willing to move to his country for good? Live with his family? Live poorly? With almost no comforts? Counting coins?

 

Just be serious now and ask yourself if you can deal with all that. You are 26 now. You need to decide the course of your life.

Homework done, I see :-)

 

Luckily, most of these problems mentioned are not valid anymore cause we have discussed them thoroughly and we managed to reach an agreement on most part.

Sorry but I can't recall ever having no contact for months with him, that's impossible. At first we could rely on emails and skype only, luckily later on we both got smartphones and communication got easier and since then there's rarely a day we don't chat or video call. That's also the reason I trust him because I know his every move. Every time I'm anxious or anything, he will call me on skype or send me a photo of what he's doing to show me everything's ok. Besides, it's easy to say that for you cause you don't know him. He's Chinese, not Filipino and he's a conservative person, like me, and has the same views on sex and love like me so I know I can trust him. He despises the Filipino culture, loose sex culture included. He takes us being together very seriously and he's planning the future with me already. Besides, his brother has a PC so he uses it when he wants to.

 

Also, his brother got a job so they both now support the family AND, I mentioned he got promoted, didn't I? Now he earns enough to be able to come here and he wants to apply for visa soon, he has already saved over half the needed amount to visit me so your point about him being poor and not being able to visit me is no longer valid. Apart from that, in less than a year, if he proves himself at work, he will be promoted again and this time there will be much more money involved. I'm very happy it finally turned out like this cause previously his financial situation looked really bad but I've always had faith it will be better some day.

 

As for me, I haven't got masters and I think I won't get it anymore but I had a job abroad last year (also in Europe) in my field, thanks to which I got precious experience, which looks good on CV and it will help me to get a job in Asia for sure. It paid ok but I wasn't able to save up much because I had to pay bills to support myself and monthly expenses took a huge chunk out of every salary. But it was worth it. Anyway, he wants to come here first and see my country, experience my culture because once I move to Asia, it will be probably long before we come back to visit.

 

The things I said before about being afraid to even set foot in PH were very immature. I want to go there and see the place he's grown up in as well, how else would I be able to understand his mentality and point of view? Culture has a huge influence on how people perceive the world after all. I don't rule out staying there with him for some time and look for a job, if need be.

 

As for the last problem, I can say now after lots of discussing he has changed his mind and opened up to the idea of moving abroad with me, he even mentioned moving to my country but I said it's a bad idea cause it's not that great here either. The main thing which stopped him from thinking about it before was the lack of faith in his abilities. He used to say, "who will hire a person from the Philippines....?". Right now he's looking through job offers from the countries we take into account for moving in but we are waiting until his next promotion so he can save more money and look for a job with the new, higher rank vacancy title and thus expect a good salary.

[justwhoiam]

Hi blugirl, thanks for reassuring me, but

 

1) You never planned to visit him in his own country, because you're scared to even set foot on the Philippines.

Maybe it was immature of you to make such statement, still, you never planned to go there and you didn't go there.

 

2) Two years ago, you said you were going to complete your master degree in a country near him, but you didn't follow through.

You quit studying. You now think a job abroad will help you more than a master degree. Guess what a master degree + a job abroad would have meant for your career. Anyway, how much time did you spend abroad? Because you talked about a master's 2 years ago, and I sense you were only abroad for a bunch of months at best. What did you do these past 2 years? Did you work all this time and were not able to save any money to buy a flight? Sorry if I ask this, but I'm just trying to understand. The lousiest paid job in a European Western country will earn you at least 900€ a month.

 

Anyway, I'm happy for you he's coming soon. You need to spend time with him in person. And see if there's enough chemistry with him.

 

Set a deadline for his trip. Like by April 2015. Or this is not going to happen. And remember that he can get good deals if he buys way in advance. The nearest the day, the more expensive the flight.

 

And last, but not least, he might always have to support his family from abroad. So that would mean you'd always have to keep his family into account, or even that you have to support him while he supports his family. Do not underestimate practical things. They count in the end.

[blugirl]

Maybe it was immature of you to make such statement, still, you never planned to go there and you didn't go there.

....yet. I will go there next, if after he comes here it turns out we match really well.

 

You quit studying. You now think a job abroad will help you more than a master degree. Guess what a master degree + a job abroad would have meant for your career. Anyway, how much time did you spend abroad? Because you talked about a master's 2 years ago, and I sense you were only abroad for a bunch of months at best. What did you do these past 2 years? Did you work all this time and were not able to save any money to buy a flight? Sorry if I ask this, but I'm just trying to understand. The lousiest paid job in a European Western country will earn you at least 900€ a month.

 

Anyway, I'm happy for you he's coming soon. You need to spend time with him in person. And see if there's enough chemistry with him.

 

Set a deadline for his trip. Like by April 2015. Or this is not going to happen. And remember that he can get good deals if he buys way in advance. The nearest the day, the more expensive the flight.

 

And last, but not least, he might always have to support his family from abroad. So that would mean you'd always have to keep his family into account, or even that you have to support him while he supports his family. Do not underestimate practical things. They count in the end.

 

In many countries masters isn't important cause most people finish their education on bachelors. Maybe I'll do it in the future but right now a certain certificate is more important for me and it comes first on the list of prorities.

You guessed it right, I spent a few months abroad. I worked here before that, and now I have my work back but it sucks in terms of money so I'm looking for a better one. I don't know where did you get the info about 900 EUR minimum from. A few of my friends work in national institutions and they earn around 382 EUR monthly. Many office jobs (the type of job I'm looking for now) range between 477~670 EUR actually. But now I have to share bills with mum and earn pathetically little, I cant afford even basic things right now so no chance to continue saving up until I find a better job.

 

Yeah, we will set such a deadline and make sure to finally meet. For all that time, we've been feeling like we are put on hold because we don't know how it's going to be irl so we can't make any serious moves and serious plans yet, it's been very frustrating for both of us and I used to cry about it a lot but now I'm stronger. Once we meet and IF it turns out it's fantastic, we'll finally be able to decide on things and draw a concrete plan to follow.

 

Yes, I remember about it all the time. I know he will have to support his family; actually in a few years I might have to start supporting my mum, too. At least my dad is alright but mum's pension might be a little too low to live comfortably.

[justwhoiam]

So I guess you are in some Eastern country in Europe? I wouldn't know where you'd get so little for an office job if you have a degree, unless it's a part-time job. But I think a part-time job is good a) when you're a student or b) when you're a mom with little kids.

 

Anyway, you sound more mature now, and wise, by the way you talk.

[blugirl]

So I guess you are in some Eastern country in Europe? I wouldn't know where you'd get so little for an office job if you have a degree, unless it's a part-time job. But I think a part-time job is good a) when you're a student or b) when you're a mom with little kids.

 

Anyway, you sound more mature now, and wise, by the way you talk.

We like to call it a Central European country

See, that's the problem, those amounts are for a full-time job. So it's like another incentive for me to move abroad, everyone around says there's no future here and millions of people have moved away already. Mentality of the people here also annoys me, I feel like I'm not fit to live here although I was born here.