Long distance, we had talked about an open relationship and now he's jealous?

[Sherberttine]

I guess this may seem kind of like a classic, he's far away and jealous of every one I meet sort of thing, but it's really not. I posting this partially for advice and partially so I can fix my head thoughts.

 

I met my Zack about two years ago when I first started going to college. It was just dating at first, he was my first long term relationship. It developed into some thing deeper, and we decided we'd like to get married eventually. So we got promise rings, because we decided we were far to young to make that sort of commitment. We decided we'd marry fare we both graduated, which is at least five years from now, both of us are going for masters.

 

At the time, he brought up his concern that I was. Not experienced enough to really know what I wanted, if I wanted him. I was worried too and we discussed it. We talked about an open relationship, that would allow me to explore who I was and him too, without us loosing the love and support of the other. A lot of people have told me that such a thing is impossible, but I'm not sure. We had a few candidates that we talked too, a girl and a guy each. They were both flattered but declined, so Zack and I decided that we should wait and see if something popped up.

 

Fast forward a few months later, and I'm working, and he's living four hours away in a different city. I'm one of those lucky people that really loves her job. And there I met Lance. He was amazingly good at his job. I was incredibly impressed with him, and he was very nice to me. I real side I had a crush pretty quickly.

 

So I thought, maybe the time for that open relationship has come up. If not, I thought Zack could give me some advice on how to get over a crush. I thought it was harmless, but I guess not. I remember feeling guilty for having the crush, and wanting to tell him because I was beginning to hate myself for it. I felt disloyal.

 

I asked Zack about it, and to be honest I don't remember what is said. I asked him If he had had a crush on a girl while we were dating. And suddenly we were breaking up. We weren't screaming or fighting, but he made it clear. He said he didn't want me to be lonely, and that I needed to go out and get experience. He wanted us to take a break for a year. He told me to go date Lance. That he would still be there for me and not much would change. He made so much sense, I just went along with it. I started crying, and I have no idea how it happened. It just did. I can't remember much form that night, I was tired and very distressed.

 

The next night I begged and pleaded with him to reconsider, that it was just a crush and it wasn't what I wanted. I didn't mean that I wanted to break up with him.

 

He finally confessed that to him me having a crush meant I wanted to end it. He told me about his insecurities about being cheated on and that a girl had started a breakup conversation the same way I had and he freaked out. He admitted it was unfair to push her deeds onto me and he gave us a second chance.

 

I feel like I forced him too.

 

Since then, he's been perfectly fine, he even said he still wants to think about an open relationship. But there is one problem. He hates Lance.

 

I can understand. If it wasn't for my crush on lance, none of this would have happened. I messed up badly. But I'm still unhappy. Nothing happened between me and Lance, we didn't even flirt.

 

I want to be friends with Lance. I don't want to date him now. I just want to be friends. But Zack wants me to not talk to him. I know why, and I even understand and agree.

 

I'm not someone who makes friends easily, up here where I'm loving now, I have one friend who I hardly see. I'm shy and I don't trust new people easily. The people at my work are my friends and Lance is one of them.

 

Lance is leaving soon. So it really shouldn't bother me that I can't be friends with him, but it does. I guess I'm just lonely. I want someone to hang out with, and until this whole debacle Lance was the only real candidate.

 

I feel like I've ruined everything. I'm mad at Zack for being jealous of Lance, but I understand why he is and so I feel like I don't have the right. I'm the one who messed up. And he hasn't been jealous of anyone else. He's been so great and supporting. I don't want anyone to think he's being a jerk, he been really great about everything else. He apologized about the whole thing, and he said that I haven't done anything wrong having a crush, that the problem was in his head. He promised to work with me about it, and he has.

 

As far as relationships go we're doing really well. We haven't been fighting, we've been talking about what happened, working through it. But I'm still unhappy. I guess I'm not sure why.

 

Why can't I just drop it and find new friends? It really shouldn't be this hard! I choose Zack, and I'm sticking to him, but does that really mean I can't still be friends with Lance?

 

Maybe the reality is Zack needs to learn about himself too? I'm pretty sure I'm the bad guy in this situation, but I don't know how to fix it.

[GoBlue]

"As far as relationships go we're doing really well. We haven't been fighting, we've been talking about what happened, working through it. But I'm still unhappy. I guess I'm not sure why."

 

Well, I can give you some insight as to why you are not happy. I don't want to make a definitive statement of fact because you are an individual but most women I have met don't think in their heart - "What I really want in life is to have a meaningful relationship with a man who wants to be in an open relationship." This whole "get more experience" thing makes no sense to me. I am assuming he means "sexual experience" - but please clarify if that is a wrong conclusion. Just remember one thing, marriage is the best and safest place to "get experience". I have never met a guy who loves a woman, wants to be with her, and then tells her to go out and have sexual relations with other men. If they do there is usually an alternative motive behind it - namely - that they want to have sexual relations with other people.

 

I don't know how old you were when you decided to get "promise rings" but I do know that if you were old enough to purchase such rings than you were old enough to make and KEEP a commitment. Age has nothing at all to do with character, choice does however. If he is not ready to choose you why would you continue to wait for him? Does this sound like a secure foundation for a relationship?