Not sure if this is normal / okay?

[unicornsandaliens]

So I'm about to move to another country for 3 months after spending over a year living with my boyfriend. We've both been in long distance relationships before, but never with each other.

 

My biggest concern is that he tends to like hanging out with girls (as friends, of course). He hasn't had many over since we first moved in together, and when they did hang out, I was always there too. We were talking the other night about what he was going to do while I was away, and I asked him if he planned on having girls over at our apartment one-on-one. He asked if that would be a problem.

 

To be honest, the idea of it makes me really uncomfortable. I'm totally fine with him hanging out with them one-on-one in public, or in groups at our apartment. But alone, in our place, while I'm on the other side of the world? I feel like it's disrespectful.

 

When I told him this, he said that I was basically asking him to change who he is (as in, someone who hangs out with both sexes individually), and that was something he had always said he wouldn't do for anyone. I know that sounds a little hard-headed, but he's big on honesty and staying true to who he is. I respect that about him, but in this instance, I feel like I'm going to be the one having to drastically change my own ideals for his sake.

 

This is actually the first time I've had a boyfriend with girl friends at all. My exes never really hung out alone with other girls while we were together because they felt it was disrespectful. So I feel like I've been working hard to be accepting of who he is, but he's not really meeting me halfway.

 

I haven't met two of the girls he plans on inviting over. Both of them are single. He wants to have them over sometime this summer before I leave so that I can get to know them better and see that there's nothing to worry about.

 

Also, he mentioned once that he was intrigued by the idea of being put in a situation where he had the option of cheating (like a girl propositioning him). He said he wanted to see how he would react. Again, he's a very honest and open person, so he was really just chatting about it without thinking. But it makes me nervous that this is the exact situation he'll be in while I'm gone.

 

I've always trusted him not to cheat in the past, but the fact he brought that up feels like a big red flag. It's making me question things that I feel like I shouldn't be questioning. Am I expecting too much of him by asking that he not invite single girls over to hang out alone at our apartment? Anybody out there in a similar situation?

[central]

He's told you who he is and what he wants. Believe him. If you aren't comfortable with this, you can only accept him as he is or break up. I believe that LDRs where you are apart for more than a month or so are too difficult to maintain while expecting exclusivity. I suggest you both date, and if you still want to be together when you return, do so. Either or both of you may find someone who is a better match - why force this relationship, which may not be right for either of you?

[blynnae05]

I say trust him. If he's that open and honest with you, than why worry? If he cheats, move on. If not, than he must love you. Don't let it bother you. Things will work out the way they are meant to. I can kind of relate, but not sure my guy is the type to hang out with girls alone :/

[unicornsandaliens]

Thanks! Yeah, I'm leaning toward just trusting him, too. I think my real issue with it is I feel like I'm going the extra mile to accept him and his ways, whereas he's not exactly compromising for me. I hope things are going well with your LDR though!

[SammySammy]

Trust in a relationship is good, but so is respect. In my opinion, every good relationship has boundaries that are in place to preserve the relationship and show respect for each other.

 

I don't understand people who want to behave as if they are single within a relationship. A part of being in a relationship is being considerate of the other person.

 

It may be possible for him to have friends of the opposite sex over and nothing happens. That may be true if he were single. That may be true in a relationship. However, as a man, I wouldn't do that out of respect for my partner and our relationship.

 

It's a respect and boundaries thing. Trust on your part, yes. I just think trust along with respect is the best solution for both partners in a relationship.

 

That's just my opinion.

[unicornsandaliens]

Thank you for the insight! You took the words right out of my mouth. It's been so hard to explain to him that I do trust him, but I feel that bringing home a girl denotes a lack of respect on his part. A part of me wants to just show him your post and say "this is exactly what I mean"!

[FitChick]

Turn the tables and ask him how he'd feel if you invited a male colleague to your hotel room or apartment alone while you were away.

 

Why can't either or both of you make one trip here/there during the three months? Time would go faster.

[jbelle6]

Wouldn't fly for a hot second with me, but I'm not with him.

[hoping2heal]

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want your bf or gf to be spending time 1:1 with someone of the opposite gender. You might want to consider whether you really value his "honesty" and "true to himself" nature at the cost of being considerate of your feelings.

[Els]

Boundaries. I have plenty of male friends, would never dream of bringing them back to my apartment as just the two of us. Even though I'd never sleep with them, it feels disrespectful to do that in a LTR.

 

Even if he sees nothing wrong with it, IMO he should respect your boundaries, assuming you accord his boundaries similar respect. If you two can't reach a compromise of respecting each others' boundaries, a LDR will be very, very difficult.