Have to finish things but don't want to...

[BlueNight]

I've written a little bit about my relationship before, and how I recognise that I've played a huge role in ruining things through nagging/being needy/not having enough trust in my boyfriend. But I realise that his behaviour has contributed to making me feel insecure; he can be distant, he doesn't need as much contact during the day as I do, he calls me unreasonable, says that I 'don't understand anything in his life as I'm not there with him', (he has some important exams, but I've been 'there' for him as much as I can).

He seems unenthusiastic when I message or call him. Today I had an exam, I messaged him to talk to him a bit about it, to sort of celebrate it being over, and he was just like 'that's good...I'm busy right now.'

We then briefly spoke this evening, and he said he would call me back in ten minutes. He then didn't call for an hour and a half, so I called him. He explained that he wasn't in the mood. I said that that was fine, but couldn't he have sent me a message to warn me that he wouldn't be calling any longer? He just had his excuses as usual, 'I'm tired/stop taking everything so seriously/I'm not in the mood to talk to you'.

I just feel really disrespected. I feel happy every time he contacts me, but there's always something missing. I try to explain to him how disrespectful I find the little things he doesn't do, but of course I just end up repeating myself, crying, asking him to help me make things better between us, but he realises that he can treat me like this and I'll just still be here. Me talking and explaining my feelings does nothing, I recognise that. I explain this to him and all he says now is, 'why are you still with me then? Finish with me then' I really care about him and love the time we spend together when we actually see each other. It's the first relationship I've had where I've really given a lot of myself and shared some really difficult things. He can be such a great boyfriend, he's been so supportive of me in the past, and so loving, but he's changed towards me and I no longer feel that he is 'in love with me' as he was before.

I don't even know if I'm exaggerating any more :/ I really do wonder if I've imagined problems where there aren't any? I asked him why he's with me, and he said 'I don't know...because I love you and there's love between us, but I don't know, we can't 'build' anything together, we're too young, don't have enough money yet etc.' Basically being negative about our relationship.

I'm just so upset because I know that talking doesn't make people change if they don't see action behind it. I recognise that he has power in the relationship because I care about him a lot, and only think I should finish things because I'm regularly unhappy and I don't know how to get the relationship I want any more.

It hurts so much because I try to be loving, I'm loyal, I want to share the day to day things even though we're so far apart, and do nice things for him. I don't understand? If he was using me why would he bother being in a long distance relationship? Why would he spend money coming to see me, telling me he loves me?

Thank you for reading

Edited May 26, 2014 by BlueNight

[Frank2thepoint]

You're still dwelling on this. You have started a few threads about this topic, some people offer you advice, such as myself, and you are still back at square one.

 

Again, I am sorry to hear your relationship seems to be stuck, but you are definitely driving yourself nuts over this. This is not healthy for you. Your relationships hasn't progressed at all. I don't know what other answer you are looking for aside from you needing to work on yourself, and also distancing yourself from your boyfriend who isn't being emotionally supportive.

[BlueNight]

I don't know what other answer you are looking for aside from you needing to work on yourself, and also distancing yourself from your boyfriend who isn't being emotionally supportive.

 

I know, you're right. Well thanks for your advice any way, I can't say I haven't tried.

Should I break up with him then? I know it sounds so ridiculous but something that upsets me happens, then he makes more effort, then it goes back to square one, but he's not a horrible boyfriend. Why would he even bother being with me and making the effort to come and see me if he didn't love me?

[TMichaels]

I know, you're right. Well thanks for your advice any way, I can't say I haven't tried.

 

I disagree. You wrote back in March and then earlier this month that the problems you're having with your boyfriend stem from your (bordering on irrational -- my words) insecurity issues.

 

Unless you left some important information out in your most recent posts, what, pray tell, have you done to address any of that? You were given loads of suggestions about how to improve and gain confidence in yourself before you drove your boyfriend away the last time you were here. Yet, it sounds as if you've done nothing to take responsibility for your issues and owning up to them. Instead, it seems you've decided you act the way you do because your boyfriend "disrespects" you.

 

While it's true the chemistry between two people will either make or break a relationship, from everything you've written it doesn't sound to me like the two of you will ever fit together like two halves of a whole.

 

You want him to act a certain way; either he thinks your demands and expectations are unreasonable or impossible to fulfill, he's fed up with your incessant neediness and demands and refuses to acquiesce to them because whatever he does isn't enough, or he just lacks the backbone to tell you to grow up and take a hike.

 

Quite frankly, given the way you have been acting and treating him I don't understand why he's sticking around either -- I would have told you "sayonara" a long time ago. Your posts portray you as suffocatingly clingy, whiny, immature, self-centered, and distrustful -- not attractive traits to many, I'm afraid.

 

But then again, HE HAS told you he's fed up with your neediness. Your posts earlier this month indicated he had told you he wanted a break to reassess your relationship. You told him you'd do anything to salvage the relationship -- work on yourself, even see a therapist. Have you done any of those things? I don't think so -- the only thing that seems to have changed is now you are trying to shift the blame for how you feel on to him.

 

Yes, when it comes to relationships it's rarely only one person's fault. However, you seem to fail to see that the "disrespect" you say you're getting from your boyfriend is your own doing.

 

If he's not available and doesn't respond in the way you think is appropriate, then there will be a scene. He knows that and most likely is sick and tired of being expected to fill up the bottom-less pit inside you caused by your lack of self-esteem or need to "have it always be about you and your needs" so that you can feel assured "he really loves you" or more likely, that you deserve his love, no matter how badly you behave.

 

Do you have any idea how fruitless and exhausting it is to be in a relationship with someone like that? I wouldn't be eager to call someone right back if I knew that was what was in store for me either, would you? So, how can you expect him to eagerly come back for more, time and time again, when he knows how the conversation will go? It's like a broken record or an endless replay of "Ground Hog Day" with none of the comic relief.

 

As I said, I don't know why the guy has put up with you for long as he has -- but maybe he believed you when you said you'll work on yourself. But you haven't. If you were treading on thin ice at the beginning of the month, I would hazard a guess you're about to acquire hypothermia.

 

Should I break up with him then? I know it sounds so ridiculous but something that upsets me happens, then he makes more effort, then it goes back to square one, but he's not a horrible boyfriend.

 

Yes, it does sound ridiculous coming from you because I think you realize you're about ready to get dumped, and if you're the one to yank out the rug first, it will validate your need to blame him for what's wrong instead of owning up to your own shortcomings. Give serious thought to whether or not that's what's going on, because I don't believe it's out of the realm of possibility.

 

Why would he even bother being with me and making the effort to come and see me if he didn't love me?

 

As I said before BlueNight, you're "looking for love in all the wrong places." For whatever reason, you seem to think that the purpose of a relationship is to "make you feel whole" AKA "make you feel better about yourself."

 

NO ONE can do that, nor should they be expected to. Trite but true: "You can't expect anyone else to love you, if you first don't love yourself."

 

BlueNight, YOU need to get to the bottom of why you are so dependent on others to assure you of your self-worth and TAKE ACTION to remedy that deficiency. Until you do and break the cycle, you're going to continue to go round and round and it's highly unlikely this relationship nor any you have, will ever be joyful, successful or fulfilling.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited May 27, 2014 by TMichaels

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, break up with him, he clearly wants out but is probably too scared of upsetting you/hurting you. I don't doubt he's fond of you, but he doesn't sound interested in a relationship anymore.

Take some control back into your life.

[Frank2thepoint]

I know, you're right. Well thanks for your advice any way, I can't say I haven't tried.

Should I break up with him then? I know it sounds so ridiculous but something that upsets me happens, then he makes more effort, then it goes back to square one, but he's not a horrible boyfriend. Why would he even bother being with me and making the effort to come and see me if he didn't love me?

 

Yes, you need to end the relationship, at least on good terms. As the other posters have said, you are pushing him away. He sounds like he has genuine feelings for you, but with your insecurity, he his at his wits end on how he can satisfy you. This will build resentment in him, and then you will have a really bad break up with lots of anger. My suggestion is just end it now, let him know you need time to heal and work on your insecurities. I understand you care about him and want him in your life, but you can't have him the way you are now.