Boyfriend never asks about me/no interest to know about me

[Zoeva]

Hi everyone

 

Another topic, other frustrations.

 

I'm in a LDR, not that far, about 2 hour drive from each other but different countries. What I have noticed about him is that he doesn't show any interest in me, like at all. He expects me to tell everything to him if I want him to know something about me. It's like he is too lazy to ask the questions so I should just tell him everything that goes in my life without him showing any interest in it.

 

I had brought this up many times with him, he has no clue when I have big exams, things to do because he simply doesn't ask about me. So he came up with the idea to keep up a Gmail calendar that is shared where I keep everything that I have planned for each day. It works wonders, that's for sure, but damn I feel so stupid that I have to put the things that I have planned in a calendar while he can just ask about it!

 

He also does promises he doesn't keep, I have a chronic disease and he had promised to take a day off to go to my doctor's meeting to discuss how I'm doing. At this point he hasn't showed any interest in that nor does he know when it is. He doesn't ask about my hobbies, my school, nothing!

 

Since yesterday I had enough of it, he had asked me 2 questions but I didn't see it in our Skype conversation and few minutes later he says he is going offline because he wants to see his tv show. So I was mad because he didn't ask anything about me, just kept on rambling about himself and when I confronted him with that, he said "well I did ask the question, you just didn't answer them". So if he asks it, that makes it good enough? It seems like he just doesn't want to know the answer, as long as he has asked the questions just so that he can say that he asked.

 

Urgh I hope you guys understand what I'm saying, I'm just mad right now and I have no idea what to do =/ Anyone here that has had experiences like these?

[TAV]

You are lucky are only 2 hrs by car away from your bf; that would make my life almost perfect if I could drive to my bf.

 

You are unlucky that you are with a bf who is so self-absorbed. I was married to a man like that; after 18 yrs together he still could not keep my friends apart, had no clue what I liked for breakfast, basically had no idea who I really was. Of course that was also my fault for putting up with it all that time. I also noticed he treated his children the same way which broke my heart.

 

Since you are still in the early stages of the relationship and you notice all these things already I do not think this is the man for you since you obviously need someone who can also be your friend next to your lover.

 

Please realise that you cannot change a person unless he wants to change himself. I doubt your bf will ever turn into an attentive man.

 

If the distance between you two had been greater you would not have survived because his shortcomings would have been apparent much sooner without regular visits, communication would have gotten stale, you would have felt neglected and the connection would not have survived a longer time apart.

[d0nnivain]

If you constantly chatter, he may not feel the need to ask.

 

Also men & women communicate differently. We talk because of the social interaction / bond. Men talk to convey info.

 

My husband doesn't ask a lot of Qs. His whole family has figured out if they want to get him somewhere or get info to him they need to talk to me.

 

When in an LDR communication is more important because that's the most contact you have. I would tell him some of what you have told us. Ask him to be a more active listener.

 

You don't say how long you have been together or disclose the nature of your chronic condition but I think it's LOT to ask a BF to go to the doctor with you. I might give him a pass on that one.

[Els]

You mentioned that he doesn't initiate asking about anything - that could be just a difference in communication style. When you DO tell him anything, though, is he interested in listening? Does he talk to you about the topic you brought up and does he remember things you say?

 

As for your doctor's appointment, I think it's fair of him to expect you to tell him when it is. If I were accompanying my bf somewhere I'd kinda expect him to tell me when, too! Don't immediately extrapolate lack of interest/concern, but tell him when it is... and then see if he keeps his promise or not.

 

That's what I'd do anyway. But then again I don't care that much about verbal affection (see the '5 love languages'). It's your prerogative to choose differently depending on what you really need.

[Zoeva]

I definitely don't chatter haha. I'll say things that are important but I won't start telling out of myself how my day went and I did this and that etc. I'll keep it short and simple and the rest is up to him to ask I find.

 

As far as the doctor thing, I have a muscle disease. Therefore it would make sense that he would come along to discuss my future but also our future as this disease has a great impact on us. I told him when the appointment was, he said he would come with me, than I told him few weeks later again when the app was and he was like "good luck" and that was that. If I were to go to this appointment alone he either would say good luck again or be like "why didn't you tell me again?!!". We'll see.

 

When I tell him things, he listens but he doesn't come off very interested. And that's the part that annoys me the most. He will just say "it's good that you are physically active!". He is a bike racer and next weekend I'll be going to a competition of him. I always keep an eye out for bike clothing for him etc. Help him out with his bike GPS, I just feel more pro active with his interests.

 

I haven't heard from him all day, he said he was going to bike at 11 am and that's all I've heard from him.

 

Thanks for the responses, will just discuss this with him and see what he says

[Els]

 

As far as the doctor thing, I have a muscle disease. Therefore it would make sense that he would come along to discuss my future but also our future as this disease has a great impact on us. I told him when the appointment was, he said he would come with me, than I told him few weeks later again when the app was and he was like "good luck" and that was that. If I were to go to this appointment alone he either would say good luck again or be like "why didn't you tell me again?!!". We'll see.

 

In this case I think you should say something like, "You said you were going to come with me, didn't you?" and see what he says. If he goes all flakey, that'd be a huge red flag IMO. Maybe that's just me; I'm just really turned off by people who don't take their own promises seriously.

 

When I tell him things, he listens but he doesn't come off very interested. And that's the part that annoys me the mos

This doesn't sound very good. My SO isn't big on talking a lot, but he does make it quite obvious that he listens. He remembers things, mentions them later on, keeps the conversation going also.

 

What are the good parts of this R?

[TMichaels]

When I tell him things, he listens but he doesn't come off very interested. And that's the part that annoys me the most. He will just say "it's good that you are physically active!".

 

Sounds to me like someone who's distracted. Is he doing something else while he's talking to you? Is he seeing someone else besides you?

 

He is a bike racer and next weekend I'll be going to a competition of him. I always keep an eye out for bike clothing for him etc. Help him out with his bike GPS, I just feel more pro active with his interests.

 

Quit doing that, and see is he even notices.

 

If he says anything about it along the lines of "you used to..." I'd reply with, "yeah, I used to do that but you never ever seemed to notice, so I decided since you didn't appreciate it, it was foolish for me to be so thoughtful."

 

More important, *why* are you looking for bike clothing, helping him with his bike GPS, etc? It's one thing if you two share an interest in bike racing, but quite another if somehow you think you buying or helping him with things will get him to like or pay attention to you. Obviously, that's not working and as I said, I'd stop doing it and see what/if any effect it has on his behavior.

 

Forget about all the "love languages" stuff. I don't think what you have is a failure to communicate. I think the two of you are in two different relationships.

 

You clearly have certain expectations. Not that they are all unfair - though I agree with others, unless you two were engaged and actively planning your lives together -- I think it's a bit much to expect him to come with you to your doctor's appointment even if the outcome would have an impact on your future together.

 

I mean, he can't even be bothered to ask how your day or exams went, why would you expect him to get off his arse and come to a medical appointment in another country with you?

 

And this calendar bit? You've got to be kidding, right?

 

Has it occurred to you that basically what you're complaining about is that you've been doing all the heavy lifting in your relationship. Instead of him stepping up to the plate, he's laid the responsibility at your feet (again) by telling YOU to record all your important events/dates on a calendar so that he *might* get better about knowing what's going on in your life?

 

Sorry, that's just BS. And, you shouldn't be putting up with this crap.

 

I haven't heard from him all day, he said he was going to bike at 11 am and that's all I've heard from him. Thanks for the responses, will just discuss this with him and see what he says

 

Instead of discussing it with him, you need to do the opposite. I have a feeling there's no need for him to make an effort because you are always available, always initiating contact, always making plans, always keeping the conversation and relationship going, etc., etc., etc. What exactly does he do, besides exactly what he likes?

 

Make yourself less available, quit posting your every move on his silly calendar and quit making him the center of your world. See what impact (if any) that has on his behavior. If it makes none, then you know where you rank. Don't settle for second-best -- he's not, nor should you.

 

Best,

TMichaels