Aricia Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half. And I mean long--other side of the world long. Starting in September he will be in the US, but on the opposite coast. Its been so hard and recently when we were discussing our career goals we realized that we may never end up getting jobs in the same state. We want to put our careers in academia first (with the goal of becoming professors). He is about to start grad school and I will start the year after. The point is that it will take at least 10 years for us to finally get to the point of getting our dream jobs, and there are so few professorship positions that we won't have much of a choice where we are located. We are willing to make compromises, but in our cases our choice might be between a faculty position far away or nothing. Personally, I have trouble submitting myself to more long distance if I don't know when it will end. I want to stop now and try again if our circumstances ever align properly. He's not sure he will be able to come back to me if we break up. Also he says that we will have this problem with anyone we date because we won't know where we will end up. On the other hand, I feel like things would be easier if I dated someone who had more career options so that at least one of us could be able to relocate. The truth is I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and he feels the same about me. But this the first relationship either of us has ever had. How do we know that we are making the right decision? Does it make sense to try to take a break and make sure that we really are better for each other than anyone else could be? Also, does it make sense to stop if we have nothing to look forward to or will I never have a stable situation to look forward to anyways? I just wish life wasn't so complicated.... Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 How do we know that we are making the right decision? How do you know if he's Mr Right? How do you know you won't get divorced if you get married? No one can really know what the future holds. In my own experience, looking at people around me and beyond, radical choices that neglect a big part of one's life (affectivity or talent) will soon or later take a toll. You can prioritize one or the other for some time, but if you exclude one endlessly, that will make you miserable in the long run. Does it make sense to try to take a break and make sure that we really are better for each other than anyone else could be? I guess. You can take a 6-month to 1-year break and then see if your feelings are still there, and as intense as they used to be. Testing yourself with a break exceeding that time span would quite likely just grow each other apart with slim chances of getting back together. Especially because life goes on in the meantime, and both will meet new people and have new chances of falling in love with somebody else. Also, does it make sense to stop if we have nothing to look forward to or will I never have a stable situation to look forward to anyways? Dreams make the world go round. Without them, we wouldn't have most inventions we know now. How you feel about not seeing an immediate end for your LDR to get together properly (marriage, cohabitation, whatever) is very personal. It's not ideal for anyone probably, but some can accept it because they don't see any viable alternative. If the alternative is breaking up, it means you are renouncing your love because of an obstacle. As simple as that. Some might object that the obstacle is insurmountable, while my approach is that there's always a way for everything. Regarding your specific case, I think your feelings might not be as strong as to deal with a LDR long-term. Also, you said it's the first relationship for you both, right? Not impossible, but how likely would it be for a first relationship ever to survive the test of distance for 5 to 10 years? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 In general "breaks" are a really bad idea. Most men don't understand the rules and see it as black and white, either we're together or we aren't So unless your willing to end the relationship NOW, a break isn't a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
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