cup_of_tea Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 I have been in a long-distance relationship for 2.5 years. It's always been long-distance, but about six months ago the distance became even longer. We used to live about three hours apart and we'd only see each other on the weekends. I left the country in November, and suddenly there was an entire ocean between us. I will be returning in August, but in the meantime, I worry that the extra distance and difficulties communicating due to time difference etc., may have changed and maybe even ruined our relationship. I had some concerns already before I left the country, but I didn't want to bring them up because it was already such a stressful time. My visa expired and we weren't sure if I was going to get a new one (which I did eventually and that's why I am able to return). In the months that followed, I still got annoyed and angry and disppointed about a number of things (for example, it would sometimes take two weeks for him to make time to skype with me) but stupid as I am, I never really brought any of this up. I just didn't feel that we could talk and communicate properly when we couldn't meet in real life. Well, I just returned from meeting up with him for a few days abroad and it didn't go well. I was excited to see him, but when we finally met up, I couldn't shake this really uncomfortable feeling. I can't describe it. It just didn't feel right. When we were going to bed the first night, I tried to talk to him and tell him that I needed to ease back into the intimate part of our relationship, that I didn't comfortable and I thought the long time (six months) completely apart had caused this. He was incredibly upset and cried and said I had broken his heart. This continued throughout the week. I felt a little bit better day by day, but it wasn't happening quickly enough. I was fine holding his hand, kissing and cuddling close together in bed, but I didn't want to go further. We talked about a lot of things, and it felt like we made progress, but the progress wasn't moving fast enough since we were soon about to part again, not to see each other for another four months. He was incredibly heartbroken, and while I absolutely understood this and shared the feeling, I was also a little surprised that he was taking it all so very hard. The explanation came on our last day together at the airport. Right as he was leaving, he started crying really hard and said that he now had to go home and find the receipt for my ring! I was so shocked and surprised and incredibly sad. I realized he had come here planning on starting a life together and then I ambushed him with my doubts. I don't know what to do now? Has anyone had a similar experience? Can we fix this? We're still together, and we love each other, but I don't know where to start "fixing" the problem or how to make him trust me again. I honestly had no idea he was planning on proposing, we hadn't talked much about the future other than that I needed to get my visa and come back. Please, any advice or input would realy help. I don't even know where to start... Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 Well, I guess you don't see a man crying every day, so that should have been an alarm about the way he was taking the whole thing... So, where to start from... First of all, you don't tell your boyfriend you need time when you're in bed with him: he crossed countries to be there with you, he hadn't seen you in 6 months, he had hopes and dreams, in his mind sex was probably in the picture too. And now we know, he had planned to propose too. Obviously you had to prepare him for that. But even assuming it was something that you realized during his visit, you should have brought that up before dinner, during dinner, something like that. But not in bed. Guess how any girl would feel being rejected in bed, after crossing the ocean to be with him. Seriously. It's really really bad. You hurt his feelings. Anyway, how do you make up for all this? I guess it'd take quite some time. A year? But you're far away right now, and communication is not the best. You can't hold him or show your affection just like you could if you were with him in person. But is he what you really need and want? Or just guilt knowing he wanted you as his wife and you pushed him away? You need to think about it really well. What made you so uncomfortable? I myself don't hit the ground running... I process things slowly and it takes me some time. He knows that about me. And he knows that if we meet after a long while apart, he needs to reassure me his feelings didn't change. And then soon after we're better than ever. See if you can talk to him more while being apart. And have serious talks about things that went wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Solcita2 Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 OMG... I didn't see that one coming. I wonder... you used to see each other almost every weekend. You part ways for 6 months and feel umconfortable around him? Forget the ring, you should ask yourself why you felt that way around him... I I came to learn that distance is mostly in your mind. My husband and I live in opposite sides of the world, but as we chat and speak every day, it's hard to really realize how far away we are... actually I realized how far away we are when he went back home after coming to visit me and it took him two days to arrive... We had to make some adjustments when he came to visit me, but mostly because we had to get used to living together again, after almost a year of living alone... however, my love for him was never questioned, and mostly, I NEVER felt umconfortable around him... Yes, I didn't rape him in the airport as I thought I would, but I couldn't let go of his hand and cuddling was the best... Hope you get to find out what was going on with you before making any decisions on your future together... S. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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