Frustrating LDR

[101Bianca]

So it's going to be about six months since my boyfriend graduated and left back to his home town. I am still working and following my dreams at the same school as an undergraduate about three hours away from him. We've been together now for a year and two months and it has been amazing. We visit each other once a month. However lately these past two months have been rocky for both of us. I helped him apply to a few jobs at the university but they rejected him. He has not given up, but he has started applying back home. He has been working side jobs like construction and tutoring meanwhile. But these jobs have officially made him unable to visit me for the next four months since he has started working Saturdays and Sundays.

 

My problem: I am 20 he is 25. He has been my first long relationship (I don't count three months or shorter as relationship), he has been my first, he has been the first I can be completely myself around. Basically I lost my virginity to him in many areas if you know what I mean haha. I love him even if we don't say I love you yet. I love the way we communicate and are so honest. I love his personality although I hate how he criticizes everything lol. I love how we work so well as a team.

 

But I'm scared. Sometimes I think his too good for me. And sometimes I think that I'm wasting my time waiting on a guy I will rarely see anymore. And I can find someone at my age. I don't know anymore. I'm frustrated ALOT. At first it wasn't hard the LDR and now I just cry at night frustrated. (We hardly talk at night. Just a goodnight and I'll repeatedly I'll talk to you tomorrow.)

 

I talked to him about my frustrations the other night. And he said his letting me decide. It is up to me if I want to keep this relationship or not. He says that the only thing I should worry about in this relationship so far is distance and trusting him and so far "his content with his green lawn."

 

 

What do you think? Do you think it's worth staying in this relationship?

 

Note: his one of those guys that hates wasting money. When it comes to visiting me . It has to be worth his money meaning two or more nights.

 

I live in dorms so he also has no place to stay when he comes and visits unless my roommates aren't there. But usually my roommates stay and are antisocial. They hate visits.

[TheNoBSBuddhist]

My problem: I am 20 he is 25. He has been my first long relationship (I don't count three months or shorter as relationship), he has been my first, he has been the first I can be completely myself around. Basically I lost my virginity to him in many areas if you know what I mean haha. I love him even if we don't say I love you yet. I love the way we communicate and are so honest. I love his personality although I hate how he criticizes everything lol. I love how we work so well as a team.

No you don't. You're committed. he's invested. Your levels of interest are actually quite different.

I believe you haven't told him you love him. because you are worried he will not feel the same way back. Your love is strong. His is complacent.

 

But I'm scared. Sometimes I think his too good for me. And sometimes I think that I'm wasting my time waiting on a guy I will rarely see anymore. And I can find someone at my age. I don't know anymore.

Sadly, in terms of biological maturity, you are a mis-match.

5 years is not a huge gap. When you are in your 30's.

Right now, it is a big gap, because you are at different levels both socially and environmentally. You are suffering because you see this as something permanent. From what you say in your post, he is far more casual about it.

And you know this.

It feeds your insecurity and screams in your post.

 

I'm frustrated ALOT. At first it wasn't hard the LDR and now I just cry at night frustrated. (We hardly talk at night. Just a goodnight and I'll repeatedly I'll talk to you tomorrow.)

This is not a relationship. It's an association....

 

I talked to him about my frustrations the other night. And he said his letting me decide. It is up to me if I want to keep this relationship or not. He says that the only thing I should worry about in this relationship so far is distance and trusting him and so far "his content with his green lawn."

He means he hasn't found anywhere, where the grass is greener.

 

Yet.

 

He is off-loading too much onto your young shoulders. leaving the decision to you, tells me, from what I read here, that he will abide by your decision, one way or the other.

 

What do you think? Do you think it's worth staying in this relationship?

Honestly? No.

How does it fee you? How does it nurture you?

how does it make you feel fulfilled and content?

What does it bring you that you can solidly build upon?

 

Note: his one of those guys that hates wasting money. When it comes to visiting me . It has to be worth his money meaning two or more nights.

So he places the financial worth on a level higher to actually committing the time and affection to coming to see you because he loves you?

Interesting....

 

I live in dorms so he also has no place to stay when he comes and visits unless my roommates aren't there. But usually my roommates stay and are antisocial. They hate visits.

So why can't he come and book a double room close by...?

 

Forget it, I'm not going to elaborate on this.

 

My suggestion is to end this.

You're putting in far more than he is, on all levels.

He really is not as interested in making this work, as much as you are.

Give yourself the break you need.

It may be your first, but please don't make this your 'last and everything'.

 

He's plainly not worth the effort.

[ThisGal]

The above post, TheNoBSBuddhist, have said everything I was thinking. Very well said and I agree completely!

 

You are definitely more committed/serious than he is. His attitude towards the relationship is very laxed---he has that whatever happens, happens attitude. He's not committed. He has left the decision in your hands because there is no real interest. He would not care if the relationship ended tomorrow. If he really did care he would try to make it work. Not be OK with it ending. I posted this quote in another thread but it applies to you also. "If your presence doesn't make an impact then your absence won't make a difference." It means he wouldn't care if he doesn't see you anymore. He'd move on with his life without fighting for this relationship.

 

I know how difficult it is to let go of your "first." I was once a virgin lol. There's this attachment to someone you really care about but sometimes you just have to open your eyes and realize when you're being played. And it's not that he "hates wasting money" he just doesn't think wasting money on you is worth it. He also does not communicate with you enough. He would want to talk to his girlfriend more often. And he doesn't say he loves you because most likely he does not.

 

I would end this 'relationship' and move on. He's really not worth pondering about much longer. End it asap. He is your first but def not your last. I've been down that road before and am glad that I broke up with my b/f at the time before he continued to lead me on. I am now in the most loving relationship ever. You're young, it'll be hard but you'll be OK. Take care!

Edited April 2, 2014 by ThisGal