My boyfriend just went NC for (apparently) no reason. Why?

[piroulline]

Hello all,

 

This is my first time posting on here. I will try to abbreviate my long story about my LD romance that started on Facebook three years ago. I found "John" on Facebook during a period when I started adding people I had never met in person based on common interests - like spirituality, alternative medicine, and Buddhism. From the get-go, first time I saw his picture I felt something in my guy telling me that he would play a big role in my near future.

 

A year after we had "friended" each other on fb he messaged me. A long message about himself, his life, his interests. At this point we had been flirting a lot. Our messages became longer and more involved over time. But one day I had a bad feeling that he would make me suffer one day... and in a daze of fear I deleted him. Then a couple days later I messaged him and texted him apologizing. He re-friended me but things were never the same. Then in June of that year he blocked me. Later on I found out that he was flying through my city en route to see his parents who live in the state next door to mine.

 

I went into a dark, scary place after the block. Crying, depression, suffering. But I got through it, the NC. Two months went by and I finally felt strong enough to let him go for good. Texted him my well wishes. But he texted me back, something I did not anticipate at all.

 

From then on we were inseparable. I visited him 4 times. We texted every day in between my visits. He told me he couldn't visit me due to reasons that were and are very valid but which I can't go into much detail about.

 

Everything was fine until a week ago when he just vanished after a simple (and innocent) text in which I just texted him a smilie in response to him asking me how I was?

 

Now he's gone and I don't know why. I texted him during the next couple of days. But nothing back.

 

Like I said it's a long story but this is what happened

Edited April 2, 2014 by piroulline

[confidencestands]

He wouldn't have vanished off a smiley face. There is another reason for his disappearance and if he isn't kind enough to explain this to you then give yourself a time frame in which you are willing to wait and then vanish yourself.

 

When he resurfaces, which he will, then tell him about himself and be prepared to move on if you feel something isn't right.

[piroulline]

But that's exactly what happened, a smiley and he was gone. I think that night after I only texted him a smiley and nothing else (I fell asleep exhausted, worked late and my body gave up), he must have felt hurt because I always give him my 100% attention and devotion.

 

On the following Wednesday, after his continued silence, I was texting with a gf of mine. She asked me what had been the last thing he had texted. I took a screen-shot of his last text and wrote underneath what he had said "How's my baby doing?" and sent it to her. Problem is I mistakenly sent it to him instead! He replied back with another smiley, which was clearly meant to "get back" at me I've come to realize.

 

Then he was gone........

 

I texted him one last time Sunday. I told him that I love him and that I hope he finds what he's looking for.

 

He's still silent, of course.........

[Fugu]

Here's the thing: what he's doing is disrespectful, leaving you hanging like that. You have to ask yourself is that's the kind of relationship dynamic you want.

[piroulline]

I'm trying to go through this pain as gracefully as possible. But it's tough, you know. I know I'm not the first or the last person to go through a bad breakup... and eventually we all move on, don't we? But it's that little tiny sliver of hope that spoils the entire thing...

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sure there's a reason, but he just isn't sharing it with you. The way he's disappeared is incredibly inconsiderate and disrespectful, and indicates a serious character flaw, in my opinion. I would not want to continue a relationship with someone who could do that to me. I would start to try to detach from him and realize that what we had isn't what I thought. (In other words, if you were truly as perfect for each other as it seemed, he wouldn't have done this to you) What were the reasons he couldn't visit you?

[piroulline]

Two years ago he quit a high-paying job as a prominent scientist to pursue a career in healthcare. So for those two years, which included my visits over the last year, he was jobless, moneyless (he never saved any of his money), and going to school.

 

He is one of those high-achievers who identify themselves with their jobs/careers and he pretty much put himself through hell pursuing his new career. I know this because I was with him all along, holding him up when he was down, which was often.

 

After much thought I have concluded that he lives a bachelor lifestyle where he still buys expensive stuff like before, considers himself number one in everything, and probably will never really allow himself to be vulnerable enough to really love anyone else - not fully. Sad... I wish I could help but my work here is done done done

[piroulline]

He's been called spoiled by some people in his family, he once told me. A narcissist too, for sure. But I agree with you about the character flaw. And one more thing: of course has no idea that I'm able to see his comments on one of his friends' fb page. He never comments on any of the guy's posts and to be honest I don't really check often, either. But tonight something told me to check the other guy's page. Lo and behold my ex had commented on something and he just made a fool of himself in his comment even though, knowing him, he was trying very hard to come across as smart, cool, and intelligent. Well, his comment was offensive and made him look not too bright. And downright rude!

 

The things we see when we finally open our eyes right..............

Edited April 2, 2014 by piroulline

[ThisGal]

The things we see when we finally open our eyes right..............

 

Your eyes should have been opened a year ago! You are doing yourself a disservice if you continue to talk to this man.

 

You pay to visit him not once but 4 times. I'm sure he didn't contribute to much if anything, nor did he appreciate you doing this. If he really wanted to see you he would do whatever he could to cut corners and stop wasting his money and save up to pay for visits.

 

He had blocked you and you still decided to talk to him. That showed him you have no dignity and self-respect, otherwise, you would not have allowed this disrespectful behavior from him.

 

I doubt you two are in a official relationship. Just because you have feelings for him does not make it a relationship.

 

Now he's ignoring you because of some childish reason. That shows how little he cares about your well-being. I don't know how much more disrespect you are willing to take but everyone has their limit... You need to stop tolerating this bull crap. You need deactivate him from your life just as you would deactivate a Facebook account. He clearly does not give a damn about you because if he did he would respect you enough to treat you well.

 

There's this saying ... "If your presence doesn't make an impact then your absence won't make a difference."

 

Basically, he does not care much. Block him for good and move on with your life. It's tough to turn your back on someone you care about but ultimately you should care for yourself first. Don't ever talk to him again. Forget him! Take care.

Edited April 2, 2014 by ThisGal

[piroulline]

Thanks, ThisGal. Yeah... we all make mistakes, right. Funny I was thinking about this mess and his stupidity (and mine too haha) and just thought... What did he do to deserve me? Nothing. Besides taking me sight-seeing and to restaurants, nothing else. It was so sad when I asked him to take me to see him teach his karate classes and meet his friends and he flat out refused, no explanation either.

 

I almost, ALMOST, blasted him a nasty text after I saw him on his friend's fb page tonight. Made me so upset that the first time I knew for a fact that he isn't dead or in a coma had to be this way. I'm giving you even more details about his hurtful behavior because I need to come back here often and read all the comments, read what I'm writing right now again and again so I don't fall prey to my feelings for him again.

 

Thank you so much! I needed that

[ThisGal]

Thanks, ThisGal. Yeah... we all make mistakes, right. Funny I was thinking about this mess and his stupidity (and mine too haha) and just thought... What did he do to deserve me? Nothing. Besides taking me sight-seeing and to restaurants, nothing else. It was so sad when I asked him to take me to see him teach his karate classes and meet his friends and he flat out refused, no explanation either.

 

I almost, ALMOST, blasted him a nasty text after I saw him on his friend's fb page tonight. Made me so upset that the first time I knew for a fact that he isn't dead or in a coma had to be this way. I'm giving you even more details about his hurtful behavior because I need to come back here often and read all the comments, read what I'm writing right now again and again so I don't fall prey to my feelings for him again.

 

Thank you so much! I needed that

 

You'r welcome. Most likely we've all been blindsided by love before. It makes us do foolish things sometimes and accept the unacceptable. I look back now and think to myself "Wow, you're a smart girl. How in the world did you tolerate him treating you like this??" It's all crystal clear to me now and even then it was obvious I was being strung along but I refused to face reality for a long time because I wanted his feelings for me to be mutual. I was in denial.

 

Him not wanting to take you to his karate class may seem measly to some but that shows me that he does not care. I mean he should be more than happy to show you what he enjoys doing, his job, his hobby, his passion. And if a man does not want to show the world his woman then he is not serious/or as committed to her as she is. My boyfriend (now fiance) has introduced me to ALL his friends and he has so many. I met ALL his family members, he would not stop showing me off to the world. Even I was tired of meeting new people lol. If a man truly loves you he wants the world to meet the woman who makes him a happier person. And he will tell you this. He should be more than willing to have you meet his friends & family.

 

I am glad you did not blast him in the text message. It would only give him an ego boost. He will feel flattered he has a woman that is 'spying' on his Facebook and is giving him so much attention. That's the last thing you want to do is give him more of your time. Do not bother. Ignore him. Believe me, it get's better. I know it's difficult but you owe it to yourself to do what's right. You deserve better. Don't allow him to make you stoop to his level.

 

I know right now you're in pain, it hurts to see someone you care so deeply for disappoint you, neglect you and shut you off without care but you will overcome this. Cliche, but you'll look back one day and think "ugh, what was I thinking?!" Lol. The bold is so true. Do not fall prey to him again. You are so worth more than that!

 

Ignore him. You'll be alright. Take care

Edited April 2, 2014 by ThisGal

[soccerrprp]

Thanks, ThisGal. Yeah... we all make mistakes, right. Funny I was thinking about this mess and his stupidity (and mine too haha) and just thought... What did he do to deserve me? Nothing. Besides taking me sight-seeing and to restaurants, nothing else. It was so sad when I asked him to take me to see him teach his karate classes and meet his friends and he flat out refused, no explanation either.

 

piroulline,

 

It's the consistent and daily gestures that tell you much about a man. He not taking you to where he teaches karate and meeting his friend is a clear indication of his lack of interest in you and the rest of the world knowing about you. Listen to ThisGal. Many of us have friends, exes, family members who have made some serious relationship mistakes even in the face of clear signs of dysfunction. ThisGal admits being in denial...here's another though related to that...I find that women, especially, are not only in denial, but tend to stay in relationships that are simply bad b/c they have this need to prove that the guy the think they fell in love with is NOT really the jerk he's always been. That the guy who has abused or neglected her can be fixed, changed so as to feel justified that the many years of discontent were worth it, an anomaly. Don't fall into this trap! You know when it's bad and you ought to know that when it is, you leave.

[d0nnivain]

How do you know something bad didn't happen to him that has prevented him from calling?

 

 

I had an employee need emergency surgery but nobody in her family called me back for days. I even sent the police to her house after a week of silence.

 

 

My SIL also "vanished" recently. Turned out she had pneumonia.

 

 

If he pops back up again, ask why he disappeared. If you don't hear from him or you get a stupid reason for his actions, move on.

[piroulline]

Thanks so much, guys. I'm so glad I found this forum. Your words have been helping me so much!

 

d0nnivain, I found out yesterday when I thought of checking one of his friends (one of the many I had to track down and who don't know I exist) Facebook page, that he is very much alive and doing very well. Because my ex blocked me in 2012 I knew that if there were 4 comments on his friend's post but I could only see two it was because he had commented. So I logged off and logged back on with another account (secret) and he was there, all healthy and happy and making an azz of himself........

Edited April 2, 2014 by piroulline

[piroulline]

Right now I'm fighting the urge to text him or email him exactly what I think about what he has finally revealed himself to be. I know for a fact that big-headed and conceited as he is it wouldn't even register with him, though.

 

The strangest thing is that even though he's a somewhat smart guy, he's no genius and nowhere near as stunning and attractive and super cool as he portrays himself to be. Yes, he finally received his black belt in karate last year and he's always exercising (or at least says he is) but as much as he keeps active his body is not sculptured and toned the way he thinks it to be. I'm only saying this because I'm not in terrible shape myself, actually quite attractive. But when I was down there he always made me feel like I didn't exercise enough, that I wasn't athletic enough, etc. I could tell that in his head he envisioned himself with a Victoria's Secret model type. I can see that now, because hindsight is 20/20 right lol

 

I don't understand men who think they're "all that" when it's perfectly okay to be just who they are.

 

But, like I said before, he's got some distorted views of reality. I work with the public and every day just about I see story after story of true love that has endured over the course of decades. Love that has endured years of child-rearing, little money, illnesses, deaths in the family, and the effects of aging. And time and again these sweet older couples come to me to show me that love has nothing to do with your external accomplishments, but how you're capable of loving and staying in love even while facing catastrophic events.

 

My ex and I never even had a decent argument or a fight. I could never bring up the slightest problem I was having in the relationship (like his no phone calls rule) and he would just shut down and flee. Total avoidance was his chosen method of dealing with even minor disagreements.

[piroulline]

And what's really killing me is that he was able to turn off his feelings so fast. Like they were never even there to begin with. How can human beings do that? I have to ask because I can't and never will be able to go from feeling to nada in 0.5 seconds like that........

[eleve82]

It could be that something was bothering him for awhile and he just wasn't being open about it or as the rest have said, he was being dishonest about something (possibly another girl somewhere?)

 

 

Either way, given the number of times you've met him, its hard to tell.. I hope with time things will get better for you. Better he did this now than much later..

[ThisGal]

And what's really killing me is that he was able to turn off his feelings so fast. Like they were never even there to begin with. How can human beings do that? I have to ask because I can't and never will be able to go from feeling to nada in 0.5 seconds like that........

 

That's something that has always disturbed me. Even if I was not emotionally invested in a man I could not just flat-out ignore him. It would bother me. It's just not courteous. Some people really have no conscience at all. Why lead someone on when you know you're not all that interested?? I've always turned down men politely. No need to waste anyone's time. He was able to turn his feelings off so fast because they never really existed to begin with, tbh. It was a facade.

 

He sounds like a sociopath. He enjoyed the ego boost you provided him. He thinks so highly of himself when he seems to lack so much. He avoids confrontation, I mean, it's good to avoid hostile situations but no relationship is going to be 100% harmonious all the time...there will be some disagreements even if they are mild and if there aren't any then someone is just bobbing their heads to everything one has to say. But this guy gave you no chance. No real commitment or effort on his part. Anyway, keep your head up. Don't settle for less again.

Edited April 3, 2014 by ThisGal

[piroulline]

Hello all,

 

This is just an update on how my story finally ended. I know that probably years from now someone will be browsing through these pages when they stumble upon my post and the question will arise "how did this story end after all?" - am I right?

 

I thought I was fine not knowing why he had left me, but I wasn't. So after much prayer and asking the universe for guidance, I decided to send a message to one of his best guy friends on Facebook. This happened last Wednesday around 11 am. It felt like such a release to finally let someone close to him know about what he did to me. Granted I was never introduced to any of his friends and they don't know me from Eve, but, still. I just asked his friend to let me know if he was alive and well, but to please not tell him that I was asking about him. Yes, I knew that more than likely his friend would tell him. But I didn't care - it was all lost anyway by then.

 

Well, that did it. Later on that evening he sent me two texts. He said "angel, I will always love you but I realize that I can't give you what you want or what you deserve. And I don't want to hold you back in any way. I have no excuse. Just been working, trying to learn my new job, and trying to relax my mind in between. But it wasn't fair to leave you hanging..."

 

So that was the last I heard from him. Yeah I tried to call him right after the texts just to say goodbye but he, true to form, never picked up.

 

I haven't contacted him since and, to be honest, haven't felt the need to like before.

 

A small part of me is still in denial about the whole thing. Especially because he had to write that he will always love me. I wish he hadn't said that. Just makes it harder to accept that there was really no other reason besides maybe the distance and him trying to focus on his new job...

 

That's all friends.

 

Thank you for all the support. I know I didn't stay away from him like I had promised but... I am glad I got those texts.

 

Much love,

 

piroulline

Edited April 13, 2014 by piroulline

[piroulline]

Just reading other posts here, seems like the person breaking up will say sweet things to you (like you deserve better than what I can offer you), seems like it's really a self-serving thing for them? Just so they don't have to feel so guilty?

 

I was wondering why he would still call me "angel" on a break up text...

 

I don't regret sending that message to his friend, asking about him. I'm walking away from this knowing that I tried everything I could, I loved as best as I knew how, I gave it my all. And even while that wasn't enough for him, it has to be enough for me.

 

I had a couple of really bad spells today. Crying, deep sadness. I've never felt like this before not even after someone passed away. Goes to show how strong we all are that we are all still here, talking about it all in spite of all the hurt

[LittleTiger]

Sorry piroulline, this guy sounds like a totally selfish jerk who likes to play mind games! Nasty! You are well rid of him. Make no mistake he enjoyed tormenting you and would have continued to do so.

 

He stopped contacting you to 'prove' he had the power in your relationship. You played right into his hands by contacting his friend and now he's had the final say - yet again - and the opportunity to add salt to the wound by calling you 'Angel' and telling you he'll always love you. Bullsh*t!!! That's not how you treat someone you love!

 

Move on with your life and find a decent guy who deserves you. This one isn't even worth crying over.

[piroulline]

I wish I could stop feeling anything for him. No, he definitely does not deserve my tears. I wish I could tell you guys everything else that keeps happening to either prevent me from moving on or, sometimes I think, just to drive me crazy! lol Let's just say that I have a lot of clear, unequivocal signs from above that still point to him. Even with all the evidence pointing to him being a jerk, even with my desperate need to detach myself from him... if I told you, you probably wouldn't believe the kinds of things I see and experience on a daily basis. That's why I won't.

 

I'm just grateful for these boards and for so many who have posted their own stories of heartbreak and redemption.

 

Thank you so much, LittleTiger

[piroulline]

Took my son to see the movie Rio 2 today. I feel so guilty because thanks to my problems with my ex I am not able to be my usual positive, bubbly self. I cried during the entire movie, even during the "happy" parts. I know... so sad. But that's what we all sign up for when we fall in love. It could last forever. But it usually doesn't.

 

I felt like texting him so many times today but I didn't. Sometimes I just want to curse him out. I feel like men like him should hear about all the damage they have done to the woman who loves them the most. That's another thing that most of us can't understand: how can people treat the one person who loves them the most in such a disrespectful, hurtful manner? Karma comes for them all eventually. But it would be so nice if I could just let him have it instead of letting him off the hook so easy.

 

He's out there right now congratulating himself on being such a great, magnanimous human being for letting me go so I can find happiness with someone else. That right there just shows me he never really loved me. I don't know... I'm just confused right now and I'm a mess of tears...

 

Sorry folks

[LittleTiger]

Piroulline, he doesn't care about whatever damage he's done to you. It wouldn't matter what you said to him, he has no interest in your life or your future. You can't 'let him have it' because he has no interest in anything you could say. It would go in one ear and straight out the other.

 

He's not congratulating himself on anything either. He's not even giving you a moments thought. I'm sorry. I know it hurts but that's the reality.

 

Whatever unequivocal signs you are getting from above that point to him, you can be sure it has nothing to do with a happy future.

[piroulline]

Of course you're right, LittleTiger. Just taking deep breaths here, reading up on everyone else's experiences. One person made a great point about our need to "out" our exes to the world. Our need to make sure they are not out there pretending to be this amazing, caring person whilst putting us through hell. The point was that no one can hide who they truly are from everyone all the time. Somewhere out there there's another woman or other women who he has mistreated or at least let down, too. More than likely those women are not fans of his. The other point was that people usually follow patterns of behavior and my ex will probably repeat this pattern who knows how many times in the future. I sincerely hope he doesn't - for the sake of other unsuspecting women like myself. But chances are that I am not the only one who had ever been on the receiving end of his insensitivity and callousness.

 

Others know. Maybe many more than I'll ever know. That's justice enough for now. I wish him the best. But most of all, I wish him growth! So he never hurts anyone again. What pain he must be in to be able to hurt me like he did... happy people don't hurt others. Just a fact.