skang Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 -Relationship with ex for 1 year (last 6 months long distance) -She visits for spring break 2 weeks ago -Breaks up with me day before she leaves -Tell her I'm cutting all ties if she wants to separate -Calls me 30 mins later telling she misses me -Texts me and sends me video messages of how she wants to get back together -Don't reply to any of her attempts to reach out -She continues to text and call me to this day saying how she doesn't deserve NC, asking how I can be so cold, and that I never truly cared about her -I don't want to get back with her (no trust, different person now then she was before moving) -She will be visiting for a month in May She didn't get any "closure" from when we broke up. I acted indifferent and never told her how I felt. Should I reply to her call/text giving her closure or keep no contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Celtica Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 -Relationship with ex for 1 year (last 6 months long distance) -She visits for spring break 2 weeks ago -Breaks up with me day before she leaves -Tell her I'm cutting all ties if she wants to separate -Calls me 30 mins later telling she misses me -Texts me and sends me video messages of how she wants to get back together -Don't reply to any of her attempts to reach out -She continues to text and call me to this day saying how she doesn't deserve NC, asking how I can be so cold, and that I never truly cared about her -I don't want to get back with her (no trust, different person now then she was before moving) -She will be visiting for a month in May She didn't get any "closure" from when we broke up. I acted indifferent and never told her how I felt. Should I reply to her call/text giving her closure or keep no contact? Why did she break up with you? What was her reason? The guy I became official with 4 days ago did this to me after I expressed my doubts about it working since he was moving to Louisiana. Friends had convinced me that it wasn't going to work, and with my already doubts, I ended up not listening to what I truly wanted. He turned cold, uninvited me to everything we had planned before he would leave. I was devastated. I just wanted to talk so he could reassure me - then I told him that my dad had an affair and he proceeded to tell me he doesn't date girls with trust-issues. So different from the guy I thought had feelings for me. Why do you guys do this? Why can't you just discuss it if she wants to? Why don't you ask? What is she lacking in the relationship? Is there something she wants to work on and feels like you aren't willing? If she really blatantly wants it to be officially over, then fine, I totally support you setting up boundaries to heal (which should include no visiting in May I'd hope). But if she is just nervous and worried and has doubts, etc. then why don't you talk it through with her and tell her how you feel? That's what I wanted. But he thought I was calling it quits. I just wanted to talk. He said he doesn't like going back and forth with communicating (he said this through text) so I had no way of explaining myself. I was left with him basically saying he no longer wanted me and it's been very, very hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skang Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 (edited) Why did she break up with you? What was her reason? The guy I became official with 4 days ago did this to me after I expressed my doubts about it working since he was moving to Louisiana. Friends had convinced me that it wasn't going to work, and with my already doubts, I ended up not listening to what I truly wanted. He turned cold, uninvited me to everything we had planned before he would leave. I was devastated. I just wanted to talk so he could reassure me - then I told him that my dad had an affair and he proceeded to tell me he doesn't date girls with trust-issues. So different from the guy I thought had feelings for me. Why do you guys do this? Why can't you just discuss it if she wants to? Why don't you ask? What is she lacking in the relationship? Is there something she wants to work on and feels like you aren't willing? If she really blatantly wants it to be officially over, then fine, I totally support you setting up boundaries to heal (which should include no visiting in May I'd hope). But if she is just nervous and worried and has doubts, etc. then why don't you talk it through with her and tell her how you feel? That's what I wanted. But he thought I was calling it quits. I just wanted to talk. He said he doesn't like going back and forth with communicating (he said this through text) so I had no way of explaining myself. I was left with him basically saying he no longer wanted me and it's been very, very hard. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you, it's mind-blowing how people can do things you never expect them to do. We broke up because our relationship was on edge and we didn't resolve anything during the time she visited. She said that school (PharmD) was going to take up most of her time and that she wouldn't be able to commit and work on the issues we had. She didn't see our relationship lasting in the future because we would not be able to talk or visit each other as often as we have since I'm starting my career and her schooling. To be honest, I wasn't that devastated. I was willing to work things out but she didn't want to. She asked me to leave the hotel she reserved for our last night together and that she would find her own ride to the airport. I don't want to give her another chance. She has done things in the past that made me question her loyalty but she claims it was all a misunderstanding. Those trust issues manifested when she visited and I snooped through her phone (I know, it's not justified and I violated her space), finding that she deleted text messages from a couple of her "guy friends" from school. On top of that, she celebrated her birthday the weekend she visited but wanted to do a girls only thing at a club in Los Angeles because bringing guys would make it difficult for club entrance. I wasn't opposed to that idea and supported her decision because I wanted her to have a good time with her close friends that she doesn't get to see very often. However, after she left, I saw on Facebook that a couple of her friends did bring their boyfriends and that she could've easily invited me as well. Edited April 4, 2013 by skang Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Should I reply to her call/text giving her closure? Yes. If you are completely indifferent to her (cold, distant, totally uninterested), you can do that in person. If you doubt your feelings, do that on the phone. Make sure you can do that when you both have time to talk (like at least one hour). She asked me to leave the hotel she reserved for our last night together and that she would find her own ride to the airport. And you left. It looks like you don't really care about her anymore. No boyfriend in love would have done that. On the other hand, the birthday thing was inexcusable. Did you suggest to do anything for her birthday? Did you even celebrate together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skang Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 Yes. If you are completely indifferent to her (cold, distant, totally uninterested), you can do that in person. If you doubt your feelings, do that on the phone. Make sure you can do that when you both have time to talk (like at least one hour). And you left. It looks like you don't really care about her anymore. No boyfriend in love would have done that. On the other hand, the birthday thing was inexcusable. Did you suggest to do anything for her birthday? Did you even celebrate together? We did not celebrate her birthday. We were supposed to go out for dinner the night she asked me to leave. I feel like I treated her so well, I even let her stay at my house the entire time she visited because she does not have a great relationship with her parents. She was so unhappy and cried almost everyday she was here. Our communication sucked. Whenever we tried to discuss our issues it would lead into a fight. I really don't care for her anymore. Our relationship has been damaged and it will never be like it used to. I'm going to keep no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Yes. If you are completely indifferent to her (cold, distant, totally uninterested), you can do that in person. If you doubt your feelings, do that on the phone. Make sure you can do that when you both have time to talk (like at least one hour). And you left. It looks like you don't really care about her anymore. No boyfriend in love would have done that. On the other hand, the birthday thing was inexcusable. Did you suggest to do anything for her birthday? Did you even celebrate together? Are we seriously going to blame the guy.... Again.... Is that what this forum has become? Everything always loops back around to it some how being the guys fault. If I had a girlfriend, and she told me to leave, I would leave... BECAUSE THATS WHAT SHE TOLD ME TO DO. If she then turn around and some some BS like "you wouldn't have left if you really loved me" I'd respond with "You would not have TOLD me to leave..." the logic of some women is BAFFLING. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skang Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 Are we seriously going to blame the guy.... Again.... Is that what this forum has become? Everything always loops back around to it some how being the guys fault. If I had a girlfriend, and she told me to leave, I would leave... BECAUSE THATS WHAT SHE TOLD ME TO DO. If she then turn around and some some BS like "you wouldn't have left if you really loved me" I'd respond with "You would not have TOLD me to leave..." the logic of some women is BAFFLING. Spot on man. She has sent me numerous texts saying how she thought we were more than just a couple, we were best friends or telling me how I never really cared. I never replied but in my head I'm thinking how were we best friends if you didn't want me at your birthday or asking me to leave the final day we were supposed to spend together. That's why I'm keeping NC and not giving her any closure. She doesn't deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Are we seriously going to blame the guy.... Again.... Is that what this forum has become? Everything always loops back around to it some how being the guys fault. If I had a girlfriend, and she told me to leave, I would leave... BECAUSE THATS WHAT SHE TOLD ME TO DO. If she then turn around and some some BS like "you wouldn't have left if you really loved me" I'd respond with "You would not have TOLD me to leave..." the logic of some women is BAFFLING. Ok. How old are you? 19? 20? Sometimes things are not as they seem... people get hurt. The main reason why a woman would ask you to leave is because she's hurt. For some, maybe it's better for you to leave, for others not so. Even when she openly asked you. It's a self-defense mechanism. I'll make an example. I'm spending 3 days with him. Some misunderstanding/some miscommunication happens and I get hurt, thinking he doesn't love me anymore, or his feelings for me got milder and he doesn't care as much anymore. I'm about to cry and have a hard time holding my tears back. One thing I am sure of: I don't want him to see me in that state. I don't want him to see me crying. So I ask him to leave. He then has two options: 1) he leaves because I said so, or 2) he stays anyway, because what can be worse than leaving me alone on the 3 days I'm off to be with him? So he will put up with the disconnection and make up for what's gone wrong, or we can work that out together somehow... I guess things should be considered on a case by case basis. At times she's so mad that you can't touch her, and at times that's all she needs, your touch. You think it's weird? Sorry. No one said it was easy... Otherwise men wouldn't keep writing books on women... Link to post Share on other sites
Celtica Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Are we seriously going to blame the guy.... Again.... Is that what this forum has become? Everything always loops back around to it some how being the guys fault. If I had a girlfriend, and she told me to leave, I would leave... BECAUSE THATS WHAT SHE TOLD ME TO DO. If she then turn around and some some BS like "you wouldn't have left if you really loved me" I'd respond with "You would not have TOLD me to leave..." the logic of some women is BAFFLING. Wait, wait, wait... Skang, you obviously wanted to leave anyway. You just said in reply to Keenly's post that you were upset about the birthday thing anyway. SO in my response to Keenly, the logic of some women is NOT baffling. She obviously sensed some type of distance from Skang after her ****ty moves anyway, and from what I've seen and witnessed, some guys (not all) are too timid to do the dirty work anyway, so they subconsciously or consciously change, whether it be them being aloof, or just plain rude. So the girls do the dirty work to either discuss the idea of breaking up or breaking up. And when the guys are like, "Oh, okay. That's fine if that's what you want" then that to us is a sign that our instincts were right. And admit it, that is kinda what you wanted, even if it would be hard. For example, the my ex really didn't try whatsoever to want to keep things together. I mentioned the idea of not being exclusive (he leaves for another state for a year or two, so it would be an LDR) because I wasn't really sure if he wanted to be exclusive deep down (since I was the one who suggested exclusivity), and all he said was that it would be really hard, he wouldn't be down there for a few years, and only come up to renew certain degrees, and even then it might be difficult to find time together. So I took it as him not really wanting it that much, but maybe that we would still be in contact. I honestly didn't want to break this offs. I wanted to be exclusive. Then he immediately got cold and proceeded to quickly excuse himself and then texted me to uninvited me to everything before he left, so "we wouldn't confuse ourselves". I tried calling, and I was upset, and told him about my dad's affair which made it hard to trust. Then he told me that he's a loyal guy but can't date girls with trust issues. I can't tell if he just never had those feelings for me or was just super upset. I will never know what he really wanted I guess. I've been around guys who build up their anger, and then blow when they have a good excuse to do it. It's awful. I just hope, Skang, that you could at least be truthful in your next relationship if not this finished one, when little things bother you. I always think honesty is the best policy in anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skang Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 Wait, wait, wait... Skang, you obviously wanted to leave anyway. You just said in reply to Keenly's post that you were upset about the birthday thing anyway. SO in my response to Keenly, the logic of some women is NOT baffling. She obviously sensed some type of distance from Skang after her ****ty moves anyway, and from what I've seen and witnessed, some guys (not all) are too timid to do the dirty work anyway, so they subconsciously or consciously change, whether it be them being aloof, or just plain rude. So the girls do the dirty work to either discuss the idea of breaking up or breaking up. And when the guys are like, "Oh, okay. That's fine if that's what you want" then that to us is a sign that our instincts were right. And admit it, that is kinda what you wanted, even if it would be hard. For example, the my ex really didn't try whatsoever to want to keep things together. I mentioned the idea of not being exclusive (he leaves for another state for a year or two, so it would be an LDR) because I wasn't really sure if he wanted to be exclusive deep down (since I was the one who suggested exclusivity), and all he said was that it would be really hard, he wouldn't be down there for a few years, and only come up to renew certain degrees, and even then it might be difficult to find time together. So I took it as him not really wanting it that much, but maybe that we would still be in contact. I honestly didn't want to break this offs. I wanted to be exclusive. Then he immediately got cold and proceeded to quickly excuse himself and then texted me to uninvited me to everything before he left, so "we wouldn't confuse ourselves". I tried calling, and I was upset, and told him about my dad's affair which made it hard to trust. Then he told me that he's a loyal guy but can't date girls with trust issues. I can't tell if he just never had those feelings for me or was just super upset. I will never know what he really wanted I guess. I've been around guys who build up their anger, and then blow when they have a good excuse to do it. It's awful. I just hope, Skang, that you could at least be truthful in your next relationship if not this finished one, when little things bother you. I always think honesty is the best policy in anything. I found out about the birthday incident AFTER she broke up with me and told me to leave. I actually wanted to work things out and stay but she insisted I leave and was making a scene. I was not aloof nor rude, in fact those characteristics describe how she behaved throughout her visit. It's funny you mention that you suggested exclusivity because my ex did the same thing and always held it against me thinking that I did not want it either, but in fact, I did or else I would not have agreed to such terms. Perhaps you being uncertain of what you wanted turned him away because he needs someone who is certain, especially with a major life changing event he is about to endure. Link to post Share on other sites
Celtica Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 I found out about the birthday incident AFTER she broke up with me and told me to leave. I actually wanted to work things out and stay but she insisted I leave and was making a scene. I was not aloof nor rude, in fact those characteristics describe how she behaved throughout her visit. It's funny you mention that you suggested exclusivity because my ex did the same thing and always held it against me thinking that I did not want it either, but in fact, I did or else I would not have agreed to such terms. Perhaps you being uncertain of what you wanted turned him away because he needs someone who is certain, especially with a major life changing event he is about to endure. You are so right. That's a really good point, Skang. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 It's funny you mention that you suggested exclusivity because my ex did the same thing and always held it against me thinking that I did not want it either, but in fact, I did or else I would not have agreed to such terms. From a guy's perspective, I bet it can be funny or even ironic. From a girl's POV, it's a nightmare. You live in the constant fear he just said yes to make you happy but not really what he wanted, otherwise he would have come up with the idea himself. Right? That's why it's just wise that most ideas about the relationship come from him... unless he's fickle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skang Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 You are so right. That's a really good point, Skang. Thank you. I only can relate because my ex endured the whole "life changing experience". I feel like once she was accustomed to her new lifestyle I was no longer part of her life and she no longer needed that safety net she was so familiar with. Sure, we would talk everyday but it wasn't the same. Even when she visited all she would talk about were her new friends, primarily males. She even thought that it was acceptable behavior to hang out with other guys one-on-one, when in fact if I did the same (which I never did because I don't find that acceptable in a relationship) she would be livid. I guess our views on things were too different and in the end did not work out. Link to post Share on other sites
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