LD insight needed

[Doicare]

Hi There,

 

Looking for a little insight. I have a girlfriend overseas (EU), we've been dating 3 years. She has a job that she spent a long time studying for, and family and friends there too. She recently said she wanted to move to be with me, and started to look into it, had meetings, but it's been two months and I havent heard a peep from her about it since. She may or may not get a job in what she studied (phd) so long to get, although she would make way more money here even if she didnt. The idea of my moving there would be financial suicide, and Im not willing to do that.

 

Whenever I bring up the subject she gets super pissed at me, telling me Im pressuring her / she's too busy etc. I know she loves me, maybe not enough to move, but she still flirts with me constantly, tells me how much she wants to be with me. But when it comes to actually talking about moving she totally avoids the subject and always has.

 

I love her so much, but I know forcing the issue will only make her not want to move. So Ive stepped back, and feel like I'm in some kind of holding pattern. Im 35 she's 30. I would think the desire to have a family would be a motivating factor for her to move..... guess it's not enough.

 

Anyhow I had this super amazing, outgoing, nice, gorgeous girl just come right up started flirting with me at a pub this weekend. I acted nice and funny, but gave her no feeling that I was remotely interested in her. She eventually left. Ive been kicking myself since. I sooooo badly want a girlfriend here, but I want my girlfriend, the one I want to marry, and I want to have some fun with before we have kids.... but more and more Im starting to think that she'll never move, or when she finally decides to move it'll be just to have kids (i.e. we will really never have any time just us two together before we start a family).

 

What do you guys think? Should I have a now or never talk with her (she may feel pressured)? Should I just break up and move on (ive been thinking about this non stop)? Should I just back away for a few weeks, and see how she responds? Any insight is appreciated....

 

Thanks!

[january2011]

I'd imagine that for most LDR couples who are also LTR, they'd want to take the "LD" out of "LDR" at some point if they are serious about being together. Especially if that involves marriage and children.

 

I would talk to her again and say that you have been thinking again about getting married and having a family within the next few years. Ask her if she still wants those things with you and if your timeline matches hers. If she answers in the affirmative, suggest that you both outline a plan to make it all happen.

 

If she gets upset again, ask her why it is upsetting her. Say that while you don't want to upset her or pressure her, you also think that this is a conversation that you both need to have to discover if you are still compatible in your life goals. And if you are not, whether there is a possibility of compromise. If not, then it would be unfair to both of you to continue in this limbo.