My LD movie scene

[violettemor]

I will share with you my story and I need an advice. I am posting in this topic because I think people would understand me more because they are experiencing it, sorry if I will be long.

 

I met him online. I never hook up with people I pick up online. He was joking how I have sexy friends on facebook and how I should hook him up with someone. I told him sure, I'll find you someone give me the details. Then when I let him premission to see my albums he started to hitting on me. It was all spontaneous. He said he is really sexually attracted to me and stopped asking jokes about my friends. For the first time in my life, I started to have some sexual fling online, It was fun, I never felt so much attrection to someone throught a wire. Meanwhile we talked about many other things and we became "friends". He wanted to see me so badly and meet me. We decided to hook up. When we met, few hours later, he told me that we don't need to have sex or anything like that that he will understand it. I just couldn't wait. I wanted to kiss him so badly and it happened I couldn't controll myself, so I used him.

 

During time I was staying with him, he introduced me to his brother. He was so nice and romantic to me. I was colder, but I was falling for it. I was confused soooo much. Thought it would just be a fling and that should stay to be just a fling, nothing to romantic. And that everybody moves on later. I was shocked when he asked me with how many men I've slept with and will my boyfriend will be angry when he finds out I cheated on him. I got offended because you don't ask a girl that question, secondly I am SINGLE, I have no boyfriend, so I answered him in that way. I didn't want to tell him that I didn't sleep with many men in my life, somehow I've felt I'd be embaressed telling him he was 3rd one in my 28 years of life. I went silent on that.

 

He said I am driving him crazy and that he likes me very much as a person. He stopped initiating sex, he just wanted to cuddle all the time, walking throught his hometown, go on dates. If someone watched us together, they would think we were probably very much in a happy long term relationship.

 

During all this time I was "cold" because I was confused. I came back home.

 

It hit me so much and I was all so i started to intiating contact with him for the first three weeks, nothing too pushy. I told him i liked him too. Once I texted him Skype me I miss you He said he is busy, tomorrow. I said ok. He never called. I stopped intitiating things. We just texted couple of times: Hey how are you? me: Fine, you? him: What are you doing? Then I'd answer couple of hours later all the time. I am busy, blah blah blah. Playing games like he did to me.

 

Eventually as I stopped initiating I realised he didn't do it also. I got few missed calls on Christmas and a text. Merry Christmas, my love. I was WTF? You don't text me for 2 weeks and now...But since I have manners I replied to him. My text wasn't delivred for couple of days, but he got it, I know it few days later. He didn't say anything. I was

 

But I moved on. It botherd me so much that he couldn't write anything to me in 2 and a half months. He saw me online on Skype/Facebook, he could of get balls and say at least:"Hi" I thought he blew me off and went silent.

 

I met someone meanwhile no contact. But we went on just few dates, I wasn't interested into him, I cut this guy off and I was honest with him.

I was so bothered with the fact how can someone just dissapear without a word, so I emailed this guy. I was honest, but being coscious letting him reading between the lines. How he just went silent and dissapeared that its not what friends do to it each other, that he should of been honest with me from the start not stringing me along or saying things he thinks women want to hear just to get them to bed. Sex is just sex. I just wanted to say goodbye and I mentioned he doesn't even need to reply to me.

 

I was suprised when he answered me. He kept apologizing to me how busy he is in the last months. His work is very improtant, but that is not exuse. A dude said he likes me and enjoys every minute spent with me, but that he doesn't have time lately for anything, not even himself. Because something bad happened to him so he needed to take care of it and when its done he wants me to be part of his life. He shared so many smiley faces :love::love: WTF? I laughed.

 

I didn't want to reply anything, but since I am sensitive and his story sounded so sad, I had to write something. It was short and brief and I decided I will not play games with him anymore, reading between the lines as I did before, so I directly told him that I am crazy about him but that I wanted to say goodbye to move on when I wrote my stuff and that I do not want him to apologize to me all the time for being busy.

 

I don't know how he understood this. I didn't want to be bitchy, but I also didn't want him to think I don't have boundaries.

 

I don't know what to do with this guy or if he is lying to me. Should I pull myself together for next 30 days and initiate some contact if he doesn't makes the first move or something. For the last time ever.

 

My friends tell me I shouldn't because I gave this guy so much credit and that he already used it, but I just don't know what to think about it. But from my point od the view I think my last text to him was cold, no matter I told him I'm with him.

I'm blind, yes, I might be naive, but my logical sense says if he is playing me (as much as I want to belive that he is playing me to protect myself and move on), I can't. Because I believe he would not apologizing and apologizing as a maniac, telling me he wants me in his life and enjoys everymoment we spent online/offline. Maybe I just don't want to belive he could be a psychopat.

 

I am also aware that my situation is different because he is not here by my side, he is not my bf and we do not need to keep contact everyday. But if you like me you'd ask me how I am or do something too no matter if you are future Barrack Obama. To me it just seems he can't let me go and that he is likes me. When a guy tells you many times when you want to walk away from it all I think you should relax and trust him, right?

 

Did I loose my mind so much and I can not see cleary?

[IfiKnewThen]

i am not very focused today..but here my take on things. guys like this i am finding out, are alittle self centered and even if they like you...the distance is getting to them. they mayalso be lazy and dont want to put much into the distance.

but here is the biggest factor possibly: please always try to remember this for the rest of your life: that guys like to work a bit for you. they actually want to earn you. they want to get the prize. when you make it easy, so much mystery is lost and they think you sleep with everyone if you were that easy to sleep with to begin with. never sleep with a guy on the first date and really wait. i am saying guys think like this they wonder who else u have done this with and although they had you it turns them off for long term serious. they seriously do have different stands for women then they believe men should have. its how they are wired. whether that is fair or not. men and women think differently and react to things differently. i think he probably liked you. but got spooked...where have you been? with who else. and then he felt he had nothing to earn. when guys have to make an investment in you...time....money ...emotions.....its harder to drop you and they keep working for more. of course its not all about sex. they want a girl with a good attitude who is not acting insecure with them or talking a lot. etc. they want the girl that a little hard to get. not a girl who is stand-offish or self centered...but one who has confidence and is not going to be a push over so easily and values herself. i know you value yourself. i am only saying ..they do try to size you up and judge u for a future relationship. this may all seem old fashioned ...but when it really comes right down to it...men have been wired like this for forever.

 

if you do text him a hello or something make it a 2 week time. and then maybe you can tell him he was the first and last person u were ever going to be spontaneous with. that that was totally out of character for u. it may reassure him, this is not what your about. because thats how they think!!! good luck . hang in there and read relationship material about males and females. and check out this guy at this site. How Men Fall In Love (Mat Boggs creator of Cracking The Man Code) - YouTube

 

also it really hurts to be cut of without a word. i understand what you feel. ((hugs)) and i think he was a coward who couldnt face you and he didnt like himself either at that time. so he went silent. i am glad you wrote to him to tell him off a bit and that he DID respond and have the respect of getting back to you. so he doesn't sound like a real bad guy or anything. he might have potential. that part was good, his responding. also, i would bet anything he cant understand what your writing communication is key and it is very hard to fully understand what your saying when i read your post. i am sorry . it might be better if you spoke to him on a phone. but dont make it long. you might even say i called because maybe i thought you maybe couldnt quite understand what i wrote. (and make a joke of it...be cute) then tell him that what happened between us was an exception in your life and u think u made a mistake and that wont happen again. ..then ask him about himself a bit. get to know if u would really want him at all. put yourself back in the driver seat. remember...go to the site i sent u. God bless take care

[IfiKnewThen]

please remember i am a little sleepy and i may not have totally understood everything. but i fully understand the LD thing and him acting like he likes you or loves you and then he gets cold. so you react and you get cold . and your right he shouldnt be making comments about other girls he sees on FB. he sounds like he is still clueless and immature about how to talk to a female. a guy should know better not to act like that. you were right in getting upset. its about him learning how to treat you. but first you have to learn about what guys respond to. i am much older than you and i am still learning this. i am in an LDR too and going thru something similar but i havent met him in person.

[violettemor]

Thanks for your reply

 

Yes, I know guys want to work hard for a girl. I was easy, I admit. But he did invest a lots of money, time and emotions in me at start, I still feel when I think about it. I didn't want anything from him. He suprised me.

 

The thing is, I did told him before - my scenario and that I was spontaneous with him, that I never did anything quite like this in my life, he knows it. I also told him I am crazy about him, I was a bit pushy initiating contact. Strange thing is that I didn't pushed him away after sharing my story and being honest. He was still initiating contacts against all odds, all was ok. Then I just gave him space and distanted myself by time. I got a feeling I was pushing him and I wanted to test him out. So I stopped replying immediatelly or initiating contacts.

 

And couple of weeks later, he vanished. We didn't fight, it's not that he didn't reply to my text, because it was stupid one which doesn't request any replies . We just both went no contact.

 

I just don't understand why he answered me last time, they way he did.

 

His excuse is that he doesn't have time to communicate with me at this period in his life because he is very busy 24/7, BUT that he will, when it all calms down. Oh, and he wants me in his life, because he enjoys me a lot. Wierd!

 

Maybe he was justifying himself, because he promissed to visit me, but he didn't and I asked him why he made such a promise in the first place.

 

I am just confused because texting back to someone takes only 5 seconds, if you like me and I send to you 1 lame text once a week or less, to ask how you are, you can reply. Its all I want and its not complicated.

 

Thanks for those links!!! It was really helpfull and I realised that I didn't do anything wrong with step 2 or 3

Because my letters were never dramatic or desperate and what is the most important I was never demanding! I did what that girl did: asked him to be honest explaining that I am not pissed off with his behaviour and that I can understand him, because he is just a man afterall.

 

I will see, so far I deleted his number so I can't text him. I am again lost in time in space. I just don't know what he wants, and I stopped trying. I will "wait" for some time. Who knows maybe he IS really busy. I will let him come to me, if he really likes me as he claims, he will do what he said. If not....

Maybe, just maybe I will text him casual message how he is and how his complicated life lately.

I don't want to call him because bigger chances are that he will not see I called him since he is travelling the world every week

Sorry, I am sleepy too. And I know my communication writings when I get excited is really thoug to read

[IfiKnewThen]

i totally understood this last email. omg i want to talk about 2 things that i seriously relate to and am going thru right now that you said:

 

"Oh, and he wants me in his life, because he enjoys me a lot. Wierd!"

 

"I am just confused because texting back to someone takes only 5 seconds, if you like me and I send to you 1 lame text once a week or less, to ask how you are, you can reply".

 

i am in an LDR now. i am going thru the same exact thing. only we never met. but i know hes legit in that i game with him and we were friends first. and i know his friends online ..have gotten tons of pics etc. so i know its not a katfish situation. gradually he started contacting me less and less. said he suffers from depression and mood swings. and he really sounded so loving. he has admitted to talking me for granted too. then one day..sighs i actually practically accused him of probably talking to or cheating with someone else. then i tried to retract and told him i just lost my cool. which i did ..wasnt totally feeling like he was being dishonest in that department. he was at a low when i met him. i think i boasted his ego a lot. i dont know...anyway this is your post. point being. this is a horrible feeling. we have to think positive ..for now i guess. i think i might have sent u the wrong link too P. i was sleepy. its the right guy but he talks about taking ur time having sex to really get a man to get to his heart and emotions with u. anyway. i am wishing u well.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps. he always told me too that he wants me in his life. he even at one point asked me to marry him. used to call me by his last name. but then he just kept saying :want you in my life" and was not doing anything to expand on that. so i started wondering if it meant want u in my life because of other reasons. like you said..are fun? other things..idk.

[violettemor]

Its a lession. I never chased online men. It was always like dead end situation for me, so I never wanted to get involved, but I guess people do crazy things when they are bored!

 

Anyway when I read your reply, it hit me like a shotgun. I will do one thing! I will ask him to be honest with me and directly ask him if he likes me and what does he want, I will tell him my feelings, honest ones. Not indirectly, thats stupid!

 

Don't worry I will not say anything pathetic or begging him crying out loud. I will ask him if he is seeing someone too, but I will not make a drama out of it, I will say that I am cool with everything, but that I can't waste my feelings on someone so that I want honest truth. And I will say its not my fault I am feeling this for the first time in my life, but that I don't want to tie him down or something or living in a fantasy world thinking he should be my BF we will get married. I will do it in a funny and cool way, but I will say it all I am bothered with.

 

I think I deserve it, I think you deserve it to! I know women should not be pushy, needy, clingy whatever. But to be honest this is different situation. These are not guys we date, not the guys who live in our town and time just goes by so fast! I am into this situation for a year almost. I mean a year since I met him and since I developed some feelings. It just ain't right you know. I am a person who is with 1 man at a time. If I have feelings for one guy, then he is my "world" and I can't be opened up to anyone else. I am missing so much chances.

 

I don't know if I should do this right now, or if I should wait for a week or two. I think I should do it as soon as possible, I have nothing to loose.

 

Thank you so much, you opened my eyes somehow. I realised today that if you never ask a guy directly about where this things are going, when you have any right to do it- first of all men will never read between the lines, they are too dumb to understand it! Even if they know what you want to say, they will play it dumb to keep it fun as options. They will never have the respect for you. And I belive these situations can develop and keep going for years and years and once you will wake up realising your life was stupid, that you hold back letting right men in.

I could of play stupid, thinking. Ohhhhh, I don't want to being needy, I will leave him alone, I will ignore him. I will block him, I will never ever talk to him, he is being an *******. And you know what? When a woman has feelings for a man no matter what you do or say to yourself, you will end up talking to him, dating him again. Its running in circles!!!

I started to belive call me crazy, but that this what I said above is self respect, not ignoring men. Being honest and tell them what you want, ask them what they want in a dignified way instead of. Oh I will block him and mute him. A guy, when he wants a woman for whatever the reason is or maybe just to use her for sex and play her will get a way to her! Yes, they try because he has nothing to loose.

Edited March 16, 2013 by violettemor

[violettemor]

And one more thing. I think women should be selfish and think about themselfs. Its not crazy to ask a guy where are things going and encourage them to be honest with us in a right way with no drama, conflicts, tensions.

Especially its not crazy to ask a guy who told you he feels the same.

It shouldn't be done with men you don't know or who didn't gave you any hints they are into you. That would be a crazy mistake.

[IfiKnewThen]

i agree with you. you need to ask him. why arent we talking and not sound all accusing and blaming. but be straight forward. guys dont like guessing game. we dont like to either. i asked but i didnt. i accused more likely in my tone of my letter and he hasnt responded yet. i feel so cut off. its horrible. so i retracted and wrote a much better letter and told him i made a mistake in my tone and letter and didnt really feel like that. i may have over compensated with the retraction. i should have retracted and i hope he doesnt see it that way. i want him to feel more like i retract from ACCUSING and just want to know something. but the fact that he didnt answer either letter yet makes me think few things. he was being totally disrespectful, cant cope right now doesnt want to say or do the wrong thing, is back into deep depression...i dont know, could be spiting me too because he didnt like being asked that or accused because his ex did that to him. but he knows i am a good loving women and never acted this way b4. it could be anything. but i know how you feel to not hear from someone. i agree to ask him in a NON accusing way. or just say what do you want now in life..or why arent we taking anymore? something.

[violettemor]

I was thinking...I will not ask him why aren't you talking to me, or something, i will not ask him if he is seeing someone else. I will mention all this, but not attacking him. I really would want to say out loud are you seeing someone else?!?! You think I am naive?! You think wrong!!!

But I don't want to be like this, I will mention all my fears and what is bothering me but I'll make it clear that its his life, I am not his GF or wife to controll him, neither do I want to. By just mention it in a stressless way, he will get the hint.

I will ask him just a question what does he want and I'll tell him what I want, but I will not demand relationship, I have no right to. I will also say how I do not have time to waste it on somebody unavaliable, give him clues how I need to make space for somebody else if he is not interested.

I realised, thanks to you :love: How women need to be different. I think average women overreact and yell and scream, shouts the doors, call men by names, insult them when they are "cheating" or acting like men do. If you like someone enough you need to controll yourself and have patience. Be little selfish, talk just about yourself, don't be compassionate. Especially in long distance things. I read few threads in this topic and I see people are lost asking should i ask him/her what should i do? If he/she is your BF then go for it and ask in any way. If someone likes/loves you enough, if he is the one he will understand it and fight for you!

I am not saying you did anything wrong and don't push on yourself too hard, you reacted the way you did! If this guy can't handle you the way you are and cuts you off for one small incident and you had every right to do it, he is not the one, sorry. Sorry if I will be direct, but can you handle someone who is depressed and has mood swings and told you about it honestly? Its painfull, sounds like it. So he didn't responded to any of your emails? How long? Where did you meet him, you mention his "online" friends? Some game? Sorry if I am direct, but i think there is no private messages in this forum. I'll understand if you don't want to share it.

[IfiKnewThen]

ok i met him on my online game. he had just broken up with a female he was with for years. it wasn't a "fresh " break up but i think they were apart for at least 6 months. he was on and off with her for years. i understand it was volatile. i understand he thought she cheated on him. she ultimately walked out on him in the middle of the night one day. all of this story was confirmed by her brother. he told me this yes you heard right her brother lol. you see, he played this online game with his friend too who was his G/F brother. (they were still friends)

 

and i got to talking with the brother too because we all gamed together over the internet. and then one day on the phone the brother told me my guy had depression issues (which i already knew b/c he himself told me that) and that he confirmed everything my guy told me about his sister. he said she was mean to him but he also was mean to her. they were like war of the roses. (if you ever saw that movie)

 

ok so when he would log off the game we would talk for hours....watch tv together etc. fast forward its been a year. he always made time for me but liked his man cave space. and he would withdraw at times with deep depression and then come back all happy. like bipolar. but hes oriented. he not manic...just a bit short fused. kinda self serving. lol. but i enjoyed spending time with him. they all have their good qualities. and we arent perfect either. but lately for like over a month hes been spending less time. but he gets bored easily. he stopped playing our game and tried some new ones...and he gets into them. he felt his games and down time and depression interfer with him working constantly and after stints of working hard then staying home from work...he gets behind in bills and has to catch up again. this cycle gets him blue. anyway, he told me he wanted to meet me but never get the money together to do it. i wasn't in a real hurry myself. i have things in my life i was working on. but i always showed enthusiasm to meet.

 

so lately he was withdrawn..putting calls on ignore. (but he does this when he games too) but i started thinking ..hm how do i know whats going on. then my wheels starting turning. one day i wrote a letter kind of saying this cant be my imagination. i think i have valid reasons for feeling like this. and i havent heard from him since. that was 5 days ago. but it was really 6 days ago since i got any word from him it was one sentence. and in that sentence he did say he loved me. (that was b4 the letter ) i wrote him another letter....because that one was kinda harsh and told him just missed him because its been a month of lack of contact like we used to have and that i didnt want to take him for granted, and miss something by not paying attention. still no word. pretty much thats the story in a nut shell.

 

i do wish i wasnt attacking in the first letter. i knew better not to be and yet i did it anyway . it was a build up of feeling he always dictated when we spoke or didnt and when he was in the mood. the thing that upset me was him shutting his phone off all weeked after he got upset with me for something for my bad timing of bringing stuff up...right after we kinda reunited again last thursday. that was 9 days ago. so i kinda accused him 4 days after a nice reunion with him because he disappeared for the weekend w/o a word. again tho i did write a lovely letter back to him trying to retract and explain my actions after being disappointed i didnt get to spend time with him on the weekend that we first....reunited after not talking for days b4 that.

Edited March 16, 2013 by IfiKnewThen

[violettemor]

I don't know, but long distance things are strange. I don't want to sound negative, but I think only a few people can take it well. It's so hard when you can't see someone when you want to. When you meet people online is just wierd, I know I will not do it. I dated few men I met online, 2 moved away, it was so painfull. I guess I always meet the wrong men.

 

Men are so strange, one day is all great, the other, they just dissapear. I don't understand why they do this? Because when a guy dissapears on me or doesn't answer me or texts me back or calls me more then a 5 days I freak out! I am not saying that I am possesive or controll freak, but when you deal with men who like that you just get mixed signals, right?

 

I think its normal to communicate with someone at least once a week. I know people need a brake to rethink things when "drama" happens. I mean at first stage you meet someone, you talk regurally and hang out. Then when things are starting to get serious, or a woman makes first "serious" move/talk they dissapear, then they come back after 10 days and more. Convincing you that everything is ok! Oh, I love you so much. I was there. I got almost the same answer as you he just said I like you so much, don't worry

last time he said he is busy as always, but that he me!! Then he doesn't initiate contact with me who is crazy in here? me or him? I think we did nothing wrong, they are so wierd. Maybe my guy is depressed too and needs his time alone to figure things out. I don't belive he will ever talk to me again, but who knows, I thought he will never answer my email before, then he told me what I said above. They are so confusing. The older I get the more I realise some men just have poor social skills, it's how they function. I don't know what to think anymore too. They are really living on a different planet.

Time will show, I hope your guy will answer you asap. I am in a hurry, gotta go. please if you want to send me an email to I just want to ask you something I don't want to post in here public! Take care

Edited March 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed email address, not allowed in open forum

[IfiKnewThen]

ok check your spam files because later on today i will write to you and the subject will be IT ME FROM LOVESHACK LOL.

 

also he finally called me last night..whew. feel relief but upset with how he is.. but so glad he did call. will explain more about that later. having family over for dinner here soon. but i will write back so please look out for it. thank u.

[violettemor]

hey, np! no hurries Thanks! Good he replied!

[IfiKnewThen]

you have mail

[violettemor]

thanks! I need to apologize, I am so sleepy and tired. I wrote a long email I philosphy a lot. Its probably full of gramatical mistakes and its not understandable But no rush, see it when you can!