LDR 3 years- Boyfriend asked for a break

[castroadis]

First time posting, I'm losing my mind thinking about this. Any help will be appreciated. I'll be brief:

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, 8 months ago he moved to NYC to study. We've made plans for me to move in, but it has taken me longer than expected for me to actually get to it (basically, wrapping up at work). I have 2 jobs and the occasional freelance work that I thought would help deal with the distance and agonizing loneliness. I came for a visit for valentine's weekend and we had a big drunken messy fight. We've had our problems, mainly I feel we don't 'talk' anymore or spend as much time as I would want to on Skype or Face-time. Plus, I've been very stressed at work and often won't get into Skype sex and its iterations, which makes him feel less desired.

 

He recently proposed that we take a break, but adding that to the distance I feel like he is pushing me away or that he might be scared to tell me straight to my face he wants to terminate our plans and is letting me down gently.

He says that he still loves me, that he doesn't want to pursue other girls, but that he is not happy and admittedly we have been fighting a lot. But, I'm not ready to give up on him just yet.

 

I feel like we should be working as a team towards bettering the relationship, not taking breaks which can drive us (even) further away. He's my best, almost only friend.

I told him I was willing to give him two weeks, but only a few hours have passed and I haven't stopped crying. I'm an anxious, concerned, distraught mess!

 

Toughs?

[salparadise]

I hate to tell you this, but based on both experience and intuition, he's probably using the break time to dissolve his feelings of attachment before giving you the news that it's over. He may also be rationalizing that he's easing you toward it rather than shocking you all at once, but it's a lot more about what he needs. Basically, what he's saying is I'm breaking up with you, but I don't want you to break up with me until I get past the hardest part because it will be easier for me if I keep my options open.

 

The same thing happened to me over Christmas. The break was for three weeks, but her mind was made up before she asked for the break. What the break was about was to allow her to go through the distancing and detachment process while keeping me on the string. This is a power move––it's easier to do when they know they've got you wound up in knots, hoping against hope that they'll end up realizing it was a mistake and recommitting to the relationship. It puts them in control, provides validation, gives them options while leaving you at their mercy. It's not fair to put you on hold while they finish detaching and come to terms with a decision they've already made.

 

I know this will be hard for you... but I would recommend that you assert your power and not allow him the luxury of putting you in this helpless position to assuage his feelings. How to do this? Tell him there will be no break. Tell him that his choices are to a) recommit to working through the issues in this relationship with all available resources right now or b) say goodbye right now because you're not going to put up with this passive aggressive crap or lie around like a doormat waiting for him to decide if he wants you.

 

And here's another tactic... since you're a woman and can basically get a new guy in five minutes by walking into a bar or bumping into someone's cart at the grocery store... you can turn his little plan inside out. I suggest you do it. I'm not saying to do anything terribly drastic like actually having a one night stand, but I think it's to your advantage to rock his boat and wrack his nerves instead of just being the recipient of the same. I think your chances are better this way than playing the game the way he wants you to.

 

Sorry, I know it's hard and that this is not what you wanted to hear. But as I said, I am speaking from very recent experience with exactly the same scenario. Essentially there is no such thing as a break, you're either in the relationship or you're not. Same for him. He's just trying to get you to hang around crying while he finishes packing. Not fair. Don't allow it.

Edited February 22, 2013 by salparadise