Looking for input

[89confused]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years, 10 months of which we lived together. Over the last year, she was always saying we are "soulmates" and we had discussed getting married and having kids numerous times. We were recently (May 2012) forced into a bad situation. She is working on her last year of her PhD and her adviser took a job at another university 30 hours away. I had already committed to a PhD project in the city we lived together. We both agreed we loved each other and wanted to marry each other and have a life together, so we went ahead with the long-distance relationship and viewed it as just a speedbump (1 year) on our path.

 

Things were fine for the first few months, although being broke graduate students didn't allow us to see each other as much as we wanted, but we still saw each other about once every 6 weeks. Then about 5 months in, I noticed a change in her. She started to become distant and cold towards me, but would still talk of our future together. I asked her numerous times what was bothering her and she just said she was unhappy about being away from me, her friends, her family, and dealing with the situation she was in with her adviser. I asked her multiple times if she resented me for not moving, and she always said no. She came in for a few weeks for the holidays and I could still feel something was wrong as she continued to be distant and cold, but again I got the same responses. I, of course, became frustrated as I could tell it was something deeper, but she would never open up and this led to a few arguments. She continued with the positive outlook about us and our future, even stating she wanted to start trying to have children within the next year. However, all of a sudden, this took a turn for the worse.

 

She called me 2 weeks ago and said she needed space and time. I agreed and let her be, not contacting her. She called me 4 days later to say she wanted a separation, but didn't want to break up. She said she's miserable living where she is, she's homesick, she misses me, her family, and friends, she's depressed, etc. She also said she didn't love me as much as she used to. She said she resented me for not moving with her and blamed the majority of her unhappiness on me. I told her it was unfair to blame me and that I made a decision to stay because I thought it would be better for not only myself but our future and what we wanted together. I agreed to give her more space and did not contact her again. She started friendly texting me 5 days later, and I eventually called her to tell her that I didn't want to be just friends and that based on what she had told me, she no longer loved me like she used to and it seemed like she was no longer as committed to us and our relationship and that I was confused. She then spilled out her emotions (that I assume have been held in for the past 4 months) and told me she feels abandoned, alone, and depressed. She said I don't know what it's like to be in her shoes. I told her thanks for telling me and that's what I wanted to hear for 4 months as I knew something was going on. I told her we couldn't work through problems if she never told me how she really felt. I told her I was devastated that she felt abandoned and that's not what I ever wanted her to feel and I hated she felt that way. I told her I wanted a wife that wouldn't hold things in and would talk to me openly and if she couldn't do that then I don't know what will happen. She told me she loved me and that was it.

 

My obvious question is what the hell is going on? Do I continue to give her space? I do not want to be a doormat or no longer be a challenge, however, I feel powerless in this situation. I want to be there for her and offer support knowing that she feels these things, but she's pushing me away. Is it even possible for me to be a man and not get jerked around while providing support for her? My heart tells me to be there for her, but my mind tells me to see the situation for what it is and that she no longer is in love with me the way she used to be, is no longer fully committed, and I should cut off all contact and let her work through this on her own. Any suggestions? I want to marry her and have a life with her, but I do not want to be jerked around or become a doormat. Thanks for any input.

[JourneyLady]

From what you say here, it definitely sounds like depression. I would advise you to do some research on depression and get some support on how to deal with a depressed person. As a person with cyclical depression, I can tell you that when someone is in the middle of depression - *everything* looks bad and everything gets the blame for how the depressed person feels. Including the relationship.

 

There could be some issues of wanting to distance. I'll have to describe this... A person away from their relationship feeling alone... sitting there thinking how sad it is to be alone and away -- but they are thinking about the relationship. Now that associates the bad feelings with relationship. Because if the person were looking forward in that "away" status to meeting new people, they wouldn't feel sad. So the relationship (and thus avoiding new people who one could date) starts getting the blame for the bad feelings. I'm not sure I'm describing this right, but that's sort of how it works.

 

I've been through something like this. I had to be away from my ex-bf several times for different reasons, but these reasons were not my choice. Instead of being supportive of me, he used my time away to complain to me about how things were going with him, listed more problems I wanted to help him solve and etc. Basically he was adding stress to an already stressful situation. You'd do well to make sure you are not doing that - but you're probably not. Just thought I'd mention it.

 

I think it is probably that she feels single where she is and is tired of that, OR perhaps she kind of wants to meet someone to stop the alone feelings. Resentment is a relationship killer, so this really needs to be worked out as quickly as possible. It's hard to tell someone you have resentments, when it isn't really anything they are doing -wrong-, it is just not the way you would do it. That's probably why it took her so long to come up with that. It starts as just a vague feeling; a wish that things were different. Under depression it can easily bloom into resentment.

 

No one can feel much love under depression, unless they are able to recognize depression for exactly what it is. Even then it's hard not to be hypersensitive.

 

I'd see if she wants to get help with the negative emotions. Do a checklist of "love busters" (google "marriage builders") and make sure those aren't happening. You definitely sound committed. She might be, underneath the depression, but sounds like she needs help with that first. Then see how things are.

 

Sure hope it works out for you two!

[89confused]

Thank you for your reply, JourneyLady.

 

After reading what you wrote, I read a number of articles pertaining to depression and how to help someone with depression. Since she has distanced herself from me and will not respond now, I'm not sure how I can help. She clearly stated she wanted space. I sent her a text letting her know I was appreciative of her opening up to me and that I was proud of her for doing so as I know it must have been hard for her to do. She never replied. I honestly am at a loss as to what to do other than back off and give her the space.

 

Any suggestions?

[onlyjs]

When I first read this, I thought she was seeing someone else. But after re-reading, she sounds sad. It is VERY hard to adjust and she probably needs some space. If it were me in your shoes, I would just not contact her for a week. Text her once and say something like, you are on my mind, hope you are well... and see if she responds or not. Let her know you are there, but don't push. That's the worst thing you can do. She feels distant and I'm sure the thought of marriage/kids/future doesn't seem possible right now (even though it's only a year to get through), and she needs some space. Don't let more than five to seven days go by without texting her, however. You don't want to totally disappear, but you don't want to appear pushy, over-bearing, etc.

[89confused]

She sent me a card this past week that said "If my words sometimes fail me, know that deep down I love you and I always will. You are amazing and you are my rock. Thank you for giving me what I need. I love you more than anything".

 

However, I have not heard from her (phone/text/e-mail/etc.) in a week (with the exception of this card). I've noticed I'm beginning to develop some resentment towards her because I feel like she's checked out of this relationship; although, I do acknowledge that she currently has a relationship with depression and it is overwhelming. I'm trying to keep the negativity at bay, but I'm confused by what is going on...I mean, our relationship doesn't even exist now...She's checked out it feels like.