L-D bf left me for another girl-heartbroken

[Love4Pain]

Hi everyone, I posted this in the break up section too, but since it was a long distance relationship I figured it might be more relate-able here.

 

I really need to get this off my chest, I'm hurting a lot from my break up with my Long distance bf. This is long, sorry, but I'm telling what happened up to our break up

 

I am 26 and live in the U.S and my ex is 25 and lives in England.

 

I met my ex online through our mutual online community in June of 2012, we started talking and became friends almost right away, talking practically every day with emails and then eventually skype. In October 2012 he told me that he loved me and two weeks later I said it back to him (I had growing feelings for him before that but I didn't want to start a long distance because I know how hard that can be) So we did end up starting a long distance relationship. We continued to talk daily pretty much, we really enjoyed each other's company and I really believed that we loved each other, I never felt that strongly about any of my previous bf's.

 

He has a work friend but only hung out a few times (he started working at this job in july and kind of kept to himself for a few months), usually he was home talking to me which was great but I never prevented him from hanging out with anyone, who does that? By the way he is very flirty and always flirts with people, and I am ok with that as long as it's not overboard or crosses any lines.

 

Things were going well up until the end of December, we were still talking all the time, skyping, saying love you all the time, planning visits and trips and what not.

 

The Sunday before Christmas he said he was going to the movies with some of his work friends, which happen to be 17 years old and 19. The 19 year old at the time was his best work friend. I don't know if I need to mention that she only likes girls so even though she is 19, young, I don't need to worry about anything shady going on. After the movie he was planning on coming back home to spend time with me, which was fine. Well after the movie it ended up being late and him and the 17 year old ended up sleeping over. I was and still am uncomfortable with the idea of an adult male sleeping over with females so young, and I told him I'd really like it if he could manage to take the bus back home and how sleeping over made me feel odd. Well he said that there wasn't anything wrong with sleeping over friends houses....sounds like a red flag since he never mentioned that to me before, but I am across the ocean, what could I do? Much later on I found out he fell asleep on the same couch as that 17 year old but I tried to be level headed about it and didn't say anything.

 

After that we spent Christmas eve and Christmas talking on skype all day, and it was really nice, we even ate our Christmas dinners together over video. Since there is a 5 hour time difference I feel bad when he stays up really late to talk to me so I'm always telling him to go to bed and what not, because I don't want him to be super tired in the morning and such. Well the day after Christmas as soon as I got home from work, he actually got in bed right when I got home, and normally he playfully fights me a bit when I tell him to go to sleep but that's after a few hours of talking or doing stuff together. I was a little sad because he never went to bed right away like that, but I let it go. Thursday while we were talking over messages he told me that he had A) bought the 17 year old a phone charger as a "christmas present", and dropped it off at her house and B) Was going to sleep over there with his 19 year old friend after work. Now, I had told him last time that sleep overs made me uncomfortable but that I trusted him that he wouldn't do anything. We skyped on the phone for a little bit while he was over there but the mood wasn't so great...we were playing a game over xbox and the whole time it was just about the two of them killing each other in the game and he didn't really talk to me during the game. The next day I told him I was a little sad because most of the night he was just messing around with that girl in the game and it wasn't really fun for me or the 19 year.

 

On Friday of the same week at work he told me that he was sleeping over Again, but at the 19year olds house and some people from work were going. I found out after that the 17 year old was there sleeping over also...He didn't message me the whole night that he was there and the next day while we were messaging he told me that his life was going to be busy with working extra days and hanging out with friends and I would have to deal with it...which upset me because all I said was that I understand about work, he knew how I felt about sleep overs and this was the 3rd one in a week, and it would be nice if he could reserve some days during the week to talk/skype and I guess he got all defensive about it. We ended up having a talk over the weekend on skype where he accused me of trying to keep him from hanging out with his friends, which I didn't believe I was doing, I just wanted him to see that sleeping over with teenage girls was not really normal but hanging out with was perfectly fine. He said we wanted different things and was trying to break it off with me but it wasn't an official break up and I told him that I loved him very much and the friend thing wouldn't be an issue.

 

While I was trying to save our relationship, I had no idea that on Thursday night's sleep over after they got off skype my ex and the 17 year old had a conversation about going out and slept in the same bed, and Friday's sleep over they again slept next to each other, cuddling and giving hickys. I was completely devastated when I found this out afterwards from the 19year old because he was never going to tell me on his own.

 

I thought that things where fine and on New Years Eve I told him that I loved him, and I really wanted our relationship to work, and I thought that he did too since I didn't know about him and the 17 year old yet, which she also...came over to hang out on New Years Eve with him, ended up sleeping over, and they had sex...she has never had a bf before, and was a virgin...and 3 days after "going out" they have sex behind my back. For the rest of the week I think things are normal, and I even question him about the girl sleeping over and he said they didn't do anything which at the time was a lie, and he is also lieing to the girl telling her that he already broke up with me....I had planned a trip to fly and see him in England, which had been booked and paid for in November before any of this happened, and the following saturday I was flying out to see him!

 

Well on Sunday I ended up sending that girl a message telling her jokingly to send my bf home because we were supposed to be hanging out that day, he was meanwhile staying at her house that weekend....I knew something was up but he would never say anything to me and when he did everything he said he made it out to seem like a joke, I just wanted him to tell me in a serious manner which he never did. The girl found out through my message to her that we were still together and that he lied to her. Even though she -knew- that he lied, she still agreed to continue to go out with him, which makes me even more mad, and the fact that she -knew- before hand that he was dating me, she still flirted and did all the things she did. He found out that I messaged her and basically broke up with me saying that he needed to be around people and that if I lived closer to him we could have worked out.

 

So everything was fine? the whole 6 months that we were friends and the 3 months out of that, that we were dating and all of a sudden after 2 sleep overs you decide that being with a 17 year old is more beneficial to you then sticking it out with me? I don't want to toot my own horn but I am a decent person, really fun to be around, kind, loving, and all that, and we had already been talking about what it takes to get finance visas, for down the road after we had a couple visits under our belts, and things like that.

 

I still went to see him, even though I had to suffer through seeing his new gf every day of my trip, I wasn't going to waste 900$ but seeing the two of them together was like murder. She is very childish and acts like a 10 year old, is very insecure/pouty and almost cried when she saw me the first day because she didn't want to see "the girl he left for her". She also does this thing where she "jabs" his forehead about 10 times in a row...and there interaction with each other just baffles me...it's like watching a brother and sister, not a bf and gf...let alone that he is 25....

 

What's worse is that he told me "I care about her" but he loves me and wishes we could see each other every day and not every other month, and "maybe she'll get bored of me because I'm old". If you say this about someone you're dating..why are you dating? He said it's not about sex, it's about being close to someone but....I'm heartbroken.... and after only a week of dating him she already tells him that she loves him, I doubt that he loves her back but he has said it back to her (I think to comfort her). I don't understand how someone can do that? I know people are going to say that he isn't worth it, and I need to get over him which I am trying...but...I don't know how their relationship can be real, if it's not just one sided...Like she thinks she loves him, and he just enjoys the attention of it and puts up with her because he gets physical contact.

He even told me after I left to see him that "he freaked out about thinking about only getting to see me every other month so he jumped ship to be in a closer relationship" That's when he said he still loved me but didn't want to wait all that time to see me

 

It's only been a short amount of time and it takes a while to heal but my heart still thinks that I will wake up out of this nightmare. Cheating is wrong, I know, everyone makes mistakes though, and while I wouldn't just jump back into a relationship with him unless I honestly and truly thought he got his head on straight and could get me to trust him, I want him to see that what he did was stupid and realize how great our relationship could be and what he lost.

 

I mostly wanted to get this out of my system because I feel stupid for still loving him so much, but if anyone wants to post comments or advise or similar thoughts, feel free.

[acorn]

I can't believe I just read that! I made an account just to reply

 

Basically, what is so unbelievable is that he just left you like that for someone young and new. What this tells me is that the relationship wasn't REAL in the first place He probably didn't take it as seriously as you and he said that stuff maybe because he was feeling lonely or something. But as soon as something he perceived as "better" came along aka a girl he could actually touch, he suddenly lost interest. Why? Because he is a jerk.

 

You didn't REALLY know this guy. You cannot really know someone until you've seen them in real life. Seen their home and friends and family. Online he could make you believe anything.

 

You should just say good luck to him and his 17yr old "girlfriend" and be on your way. Find someone that will respect you and realize that what you have is special. Please do not go back to him. If you thought it was all going great and it suddenly changed, it's bound to happen again :/

[Life'sGood]

You didn't REALLY know this guy. You cannot really know someone until you've seen them in real life. Seen their home and friends and family. Online he could make you believe anything.

 

You should just say good luck to him and his 17yr old "girlfriend" and be on your way. Find someone that will respect you and realize that what you have is special. Please do not go back to him. If you thought it was all going great and it suddenly changed, it's bound to happen again :/

 

You deserve so much better than that! Both of them are immature and it will not last long. Your ex sounds like a sweet talker who knows how to talk his way out of a situation. As for the "17-year-old", she's 17, very young and very social from what I have read. Don't worry about them, I am sure that soon you will move on with your life. You are just experiencing a moment of shock because he isn't what you think he is. Online relationship can be deceiving. I am sorry you have to go through this, so vent away! I hope it will make you feel better!

 

Actually, the first sleep over would be fine, but after that, he is just being disrespectful to you. What girlfriend would agree to their boyfriend sleeping over at a girl's place especially when you don't know them at all! you have the right to tell him not to and you are just following your instinct.

 

So, none of this is your fault! Chin up and move on!

[Love4Pain]

Oh wow, I kind of feel honored that you made an account just to post.

 

I'm not sure if he thought it was real or not, I thought it was real, even though 6 months can seem like a short amount of time, It was like we had this connection and I knew I wanted to be with him. Although I can say yes, he probably is a sweet talker since he was able to talk his way past lying about breaking up with me to that girl.

 

His last relationship before me was 3 years long, and they were engaged but didn't work out, then he was single for a little over a year, then met me. I can understand about being lonely, it happens, but to think that he would start up a relationship long distance due to that doesn't sit right with me. He could have just kept being my friend and flirt like we used to instead of telling me that he loved me, you know? I don't believe there is any reason to say that to someone, long distance, if you don't want the relationship because what would be the point?

 

I did see him in person even though he broke up with me right before I took the trip and I met one of his friends that also became my friend, and she is pretty must disgusted that he did what he did and no longer wants to be his friend.

 

I'm hurting mainly because what he basically told me was "I love you, you're you're the only person I want to be with but since we could only see each other every other month I don't think it/you/the relationship is worth waiting x amount of time until one of us moves to the other person, and so therefore I'm going to dump you to date this girl that lives here because I know she likes me and I can see her every day"

 

Maybe he thought he loved me, but I did actually love him, and wanted a future with him, unlike other bf's I've had where I never saw real futures with.

 

To LifesGood: Yeah, I can't remember exactly what I said to him but I told him that I trusted him when he did the weird sleep over things, it's just that the situation is uncomfortable and It would be nice if he would at least cut back on them. He went from one previous sleep over a couple months prior with his lesbian friend (because it was too late to catch a bus) to 4 sleep overs in a week! All with the 17 year old somehow there.

[acorn]

I think that the reason he broke it off (the one about not seeing each other often) is very common among LDRs. But if he said he wanted to be with you and only you and then went and had sex with another girl, then obviously he didn't mean what he said! I would wait for the love of my life until we were finally together and just deal with it because in the end we would be together and happy. He is NOT worth it and I think you shouldn't waste your time being sad over him :/ He isn't even worth that. What's the point of being upset over someone that is such a JERK and *******?! Invest your time in a hobby or a relationship with someone that can make you truly happy You have meet a few douche bags before finding the one

[Love4Pain]

I work and go to college to finish up a BA I feel like I've been trying to get forever -_- So I can keep busy

 

Haha, yes...hopefully one day I won't have someone just telling me but showing me that they mean it. The feelings are still there and the hurt, but I'm pretty good at moving on, and if someone truly wants to be with you, in my case, maybe they will stop being so immature. But in the mean time I'm not waiting around for him. I'm also not going to be silly and try to go out looking for someone right away, I'm perfectly fine with being single if that's what I want.

 

Appreciate everything acorn and Lifesgood!