LTR not returning calls

[Hal_TX]

Well this is a complicated one. I go way back with this girl. We first started chatting on AOL in the late 90's. We were both teenagers and were regular forum posters on the music forums. I barely remember my chats with her back then. I only mention it to show how far this goes back. We weren't even what you would call close or anything. I chatted with a lot of girls back then like any teenager just discovering the internet.

 

Fast forward like 7 years. I hadn't chatted with her or any of the old aol people i chatted with as a teenager. Our of curiosity i would sign on to my old AIM handle periodically. One day I see her name pop up on my buddy list and she msg'd me asking if I remember her. I remembered the handle and that her name was Amy but that was all. We chit chatted a bit but nothing much else.

 

Around this time i was really depressed and my drinking had gotten really bad. I was drinking every day. I would just sit at my computer and drink.We ended up chatting quite a bit, mostly about politics and philosophy. Not long after she gave me her phone number. We started talking on the phone periodically. This probably went on for a year. I was lonely and had nothing else going on.Well, after awhile she started to get on me about my drinking. One night she said that if I was drunk the next time she called me it would be the last time she called me. I wasn't a mean drunk or anything but she knew i was using alcohol to medicate.

 

Well she would call me every night to make sure i wasn't drinking. She said if i quit drinking that we could have something more than just talking. To tell the truth though I never really wanted to meet her offline. First off, there was the distance problem (i'm in TX and she in Chicago) but also i knew that i was nowhere near in her league. From her pics she was very pretty and although i used to be decent looking at one time, the alcohol, poor nutrition and lack of exercise over the years had zapped my looks. I looked like **** basically and i would tell her this. She didn't care though. She wanted me to come out to Chicago.

 

To cut to the chase we ended up talking on the phone for the next 3 years (we never went back to online chatting after starting to talk on the phone). That may sound like a long time. I kept putting off meeting her. She threatened to stop talking to me countless times. I'm surprised she stuck around that long because at times i gave no indication i would come out to see her.

 

But I owed her big time for being my inspiration to quit drinking and i had cleaned myself up a bit, lost weight, and gotten in pretty good shape. I was still reticent to meet her though because I didn't want to get attached to someone that was so far away. I would tell her this but she would say things like "but you hold my heart, you must come to see me."

 

Now that i've experienced it i do believe you can develop attachments to people you only have talked with on the phone. But it never went as far as me thinking I was in love with her or anything like that. I still had to actually meet her and spend time with her in the flesh to decide that. She was much more affectionate over the phone and with her texts. She would sometimes complain that i have no passion.

 

Anyways, I flew out to Chicago to see her. We ended up hitting it off instantly. It was like we always knew each other. We would make jokes about how crazy it is that were those dopey teenagers in an AOL Nine Inch Nails chat room chatting and here now we are. I stayed with her for a week. We didn't have sex. On the last night we went out to dinner and we kissed. But thats all. Why didn't we have sex? I think there was a bit of awkwardness. Yes, we had gotten to know each other over the phone but in my mind we still had to take an natural process to things. On one hand we've known a part of each other for years. But on the other we just met. It's a weird thing.

 

Anyways. She came to visit me the following spring and things really took off. We had sex and we were much more intimate. And on the phone i became much more open as well. I was much more comfortable with texting her that i missed her and saying romantic things.But there was still the problem of distance.

 

I haven't seen her since last spring. She's a PhD student and does not have much money and I had lost my job and didn't have the money to go to Chicago (I've since found a new job).

 

Another thing to note is that we do not call each other bf or gf. We're not monogamous. I don't even know what you would call our relationship. We just don't talk about our love lives with each other. I know that over the last few years she's dated a few different guys. Nothing seems to come of it though. Then again, I have very little knowledge of her love life and she has very little knowledge of mine.

 

I noticed that she has become less affectionate to me on the phone though. The phone calls have been less frequent and she's taken longer to return calls. She sends less texts as well. This has all happened within the last 4 months or so. She even sent me an email recently saying she was unsure what to do in life and that she's going through a difficult time. She wouldn't elaborate on this. I told her that I whatever it was she needed to talk to me about it instead of just confusing me with an email. Part of me suspects she is seeing someone and that it has maybe gotten serious enough that its beyond just dating.

 

And now we get to the heart of my problem and one that is causing me so much pain. Out of nowhere she has not been responding to my phone calls or texts.I've made three attempts to contact her (2 cell phone calls and 1 text) and she has not returned any of them. She has never done this before. The last time i called her was about a week and a half ago. I could tell something was bothering her during our last conversation but she's always had difficulty communicating her problems.

 

Here is the thing. I realize that any kind of romantic relationship cannot work between us. There is just too much distance. I want my friend back though. I want to be able to call her and her call me and we just talk like we've done so many times before. We'd spend hours talking about literature or the arts or politics. I miss that. To tell the truth, I don't miss the sexual part.

 

The problem is she needs to call me back so i can tell her that; so we can discuss this like adults. Part of me the thinks i'm being tested for needyness or something. If i kept trying to call her i'd fail that test. We've never played games like this before thats why its so odd. Since I only called her cell twice and haven't called in a week and a half i think i'm okay on that front. I wonder if she's thinking to herself "hmm..he hasn't called me in over a week..is he going to call again?" It's so cruel what she is doing. Why do women do this? And is there a pattern here? Maybe a woman can chime in. Will she eventually call? (or contact me in some way- text, email) Or is this it..just disappearing with no explanation at all in the most cruel way imaginable?

 

Is two cell calls in a week and a half enough? Should I call her tomorrow and then text for her to call me ASAP if she doesn't answer? I have no idea what the protocol is for this. I've heard of no contact before but a person is only supposed to go "no contact" after they actually tell the person they are breaking up. It's just common courtesy.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please just don't say "move on" though.

 

I need to know what the next step should be. An email where i explain i want to be friends and i understand her dilemma? Is there any point in calling again or after awhile does that just work against me?

[Arnissa_N]

I think the best way forward is to send an email detailing what and how you feel.

 

Not answering her phone could be a possessive man in her life, or urgent issues plaguing her.

[cerridwen]

 

Why do women do this? And is there a pattern here? Maybe a woman can chime in. Will she eventually call? (or contact me in some way- text, email) Or is this it..just disappearing with no explanation at all in the most cruel way imaginable?

 

Don't let the beard fool you, I'm a woman.

 

To answer your question, both men and women do this and likely for the same reason: they much rather avoid the situation than outright reject someone.

It is selfish and it is cruel and so you'll need to take some action while at the same time being philisophical about it all.

 

Will she eventually call?

It's nearly impossible to say, so as the poster above me suggests, emailing would be best.

 

Is two cell calls in a week and a half enough?

Yes.

 

Should I call her tomorrow and then text for her to call me ASAP if she doesn't answer?

God, no.

I understand this is an uncomfortable situation (to say the least) but don't compromise your dignity with actions that are tinged with desperation.

 

An email where i explain i want to be friends and i understand her dilemma? Is there any point in calling again or after awhile does that just work against me?

Send the email and then leave it alone.

No, don't call again after sending it and yes, that would work against you if you did.

 

You've been more than patient and have been a good friend to her.

She has to you too.

And here is where the philisophical part comes in...

 

You've had a relationship that's evolved and moved through different stages.

This could be yet another.

It may be one that requires you both to take some space and see how things fall naturally.

 

Who knows what's happening with her.

It could be another guy; it could be bad medical news; it could be the worst PMS she's ever experienced and it will blow over and you'll start talking again.

Or, you may not.

But that doesn't diminish the important roles you've played in each other's lives.

What's important is to try and not freak out (hard, I know!) and conclude this is the beginning of the end of a friendship.

 

Email.

Clarify your position.

Reassure her you're not trying to impose anything romantic on her and offer your friendship.

Edited January 27, 2013 by cerridwen