170 Miles LDR: how often should I try to see her

[ale-mtown]

Hello everyone,

 

I'll try to summarize my situation to you.

I'm 28 she is 23, I'm finishing my PhD and I met her 4 months ago. We have been dating for 3 months now and we literally took the fast track, having spent the last 3 months seeing each other every day and sleeping together every night.

She got a job 170 miles away from here. I've always looked at this as something positive for her since 2 hrs driving is not that bad.

I've always had a positive approach to this thing while she feels unsecure since its been just 3 months, she is afraid I may break her hearth and so she doesn't want to have expectations but truly wants to make this work and make us happy.

She is a unsecure kind of girl, no matter how many times I tried to tell her that I want this thing to work.

Coming to my concern: how often should I try to see her? Good friends of us are in our same situation and they do 1 weekend every 2 weeks. I just don't want to lower our mutual interest for each other but at the same time I don't want to appear too "present". Should we see each other every weekend? 3 out of 4 weekends?

She doesn't really want to talk about it too much because in her opinion I'm over thinking it: we'll see each other whenever we want to.

I don't know, any suggestion?

 

Thank you a lot,

 

A

[LittleTiger]

If you want the relationship to work - see her as often as you can!

 

LDRs are tough and you have to make each other a priority in your life.

 

If you have different ideas about how often you should see each other, that could become a problem, but I wouldn't stress about it too much at this stage. Just see how it goes.

 

Good luck.

[veggirl]

3 out of 4 weeks per month sounds good to me.

[HeavenOrHell]

See each other when you want to, every weekend might be a bit tiring, driving wise, but just see each other as often as you can.

 

 

 

Hello everyone,

 

I'll try to summarize my situation to you.

I'm 28 she is 23, I'm finishing my PhD and I met her 4 months ago. We have been dating for 3 months now and we literally took the fast track, having spent the last 3 months seeing each other every day and sleeping together every night.

She got a job 170 miles away from here. I've always looked at this as something positive for her since 2 hrs driving is not that bad.

I've always had a positive approach to this thing while she feels unsecure since its been just 3 months, she is afraid I may break her hearth and so she doesn't want to have expectations but truly wants to make this work and make us happy.

She is a unsecure kind of girl, no matter how many times I tried to tell her that I want this thing to work.

Coming to my concern: how often should I try to see her? Good friends of us are in our same situation and they do 1 weekend every 2 weeks. I just don't want to lower our mutual interest for each other but at the same time I don't want to appear too "present". Should we see each other every weekend? 3 out of 4 weekends?

She doesn't really want to talk about it too much because in her opinion I'm over thinking it: we'll see each other whenever we want to.

I don't know, any suggestion?

 

Thank you a lot,

 

A

[ale-mtown]

Thanks for the advices. It's just the first time for me to try a LDR and honestly now that she is about to leave I'm getting full with doubts.. Am I ready for something like a LDR with a younger girl after just 3 months? I know myself, when I like someone I tend to give everything for the sake of the relationship. I think it's normal tho, no one is happy to move to a LDR

[salparadise]

Thanks for the advices. It's just the first time for me to try a LDR and honestly now that she is about to leave I'm getting full with doubts.. Am I ready for something like a LDR with a younger girl after just 3 months? I know myself, when I like someone I tend to give everything for the sake of the relationship. I think it's normal tho, no one is happy to move to a LDR

 

Ah ha, now we're getting to the real issue. The fact is, most of us here wouldn't even consider 170 miles a true LDR. You're close enough that every weekend would not be a problem. The problem is that you aren't sure about the relationship. Separate the two issues and deal with them one at a time. First figure out if you want the relationship, second figure out whether it's going to be every weekend.

[veggirl]

3 months is pretty short to be starting a LDR from. It'll probably fizzle on its own tbh because of the distance (and her meeting new people), so don't worry too much about it.

[ana0pera]

i don't think 3months is too short to start an LDR; some people start off in that situation immediately (even if they don't meet online)!

 

my friends met IRL but have always been LD because of distance. they live about 100 miles apart. They both have cars and are in PhD programs, and see each other every weekend (alternating who drives). I think that if you are both able to drive and it's not a financial burden or too tiring, weekends work well.

2 or 3 weekends a month, if not every weekend, is also fine though.

 

You said you're almost done your PhD... just curious, are you in a program where you don't need to be on campus every day, or are you teaching/conducting experiments/required to be nearby? If you are mostly writing, you could probably get away with longer, less frequent visits.

[ale-mtown]

Ah ha, now we're getting to the real issue. The fact is, most of us here wouldn't even consider 170 miles a true LDR. You're close enough that every weekend would not be a problem. The problem is that you aren't sure about the relationship. Separate the two issues and deal with them one at a time. First figure out if you want the relationship, second figure out whether it's going to be every weekend.

Yea I know. The thing is this: as soon as we knew she was going to move my mind wasn't even consider it a LDR. Honestly I believed/believe it may be a way to find an equilibrium, spending the right amount of time with your partner but at the same time not too much to distract you from other things. I've always been positive and never thought to end the relationship because of the relocation. On the contrary, I always said it was not going to change things too much, that we can make it work. And I meant it. The thing is she always approached this thing a little bit negatively, i.e. counting down, telling me she was afraid and nervous, that we needed to make a commitment to try it out. At the same time tho she always told me she wants to try, she want to put effort to make it work and make me happy. She never went so fast in a relationship with a guy, she feels I can take care of her and this is what convinced her to date me. She is moving in a residential area outside of DC, there is nothing there. Literally nothing.

I'm not unsure about the relationship, I'm unsure about the way I have to approach it. My wondering about how often I should go there it's because I really don't know what to do. I wanna see her, but I want to leave her time to build a new social life and so I am afraid that going there every weekend may make her feel like I'm controlling her. In the last days we always talked about the future, going in vacation, take weekends to visit new places and she constantly repeats that I will be surprised by the fact that she will be back here much more often of what I may think. I believe I'm just freaking out and I shouldn't even worry, but opinions by people who are in a LDR are always welcome and helpful.

[justwhoiam]

3 times per month, twice a month... whatever, just don't bring up the "I came last time, now it's your turn".............

[carhill]

Canaries:

 

Fast-track romance and then sudden job move for insecure woman who doesn't want to talk about the logistics of a short-distance LDR.

 

'she is afraid I may break her heart'

 

Manipulation

 

She's essentially absolved herself of any responsibility for her choices. Normal behavior for a 23 y/o.

 

Answer to your title question:

 

Whenever you want. Her lips uttered those words. Don't over-think. Accept the real. Good luck and welcome to LS

[ale-mtown]

Canaries:

 

Fast-track romance and then sudden job move for insecure woman who doesn't want to talk about the logistics of a short-distance LDR.

 

'she is afraid I may break her heart'

 

Manipulation

 

She's essentially absolved herself of any responsibility for her choices. Normal behavior for a 23 y/o.

 

Answer to your title question:

 

Whenever you want. Her lips uttered those words. Don't over-think. Accept the real. Good luck and welcome to LS

Carhill, thanks. My pleasure to join the forum.

Would u extend a little what your message is? Her choice to move was done as soon as we started to date, at that time I was the first one to tell her to go without even considering us. It was too early. She is just not a fan of LDR because she had one and it didn't work out. Actually, that was just before she run into me. I can understand she wants to stay with her feet on the ground, I don't blame her.

Do u think she is manipulating me?

For the answer to my initial question: i know, i do overthink somethimes... i believe too she meant "whenever u want". Just talked to her today, we should see each other for the next weekends till s.valentines. I'll go twice, she'll come once. She is moving tomorrow.

[carhill]

With that further information, here's a question to consider...

 

She evidently knew she would be moving when she started dating you. She said she had a bad experience with a past LDR. Why would she make choices to put her back into a similar situation and then put those 'fears' onto you at this late date?

 

I'll say this, with long and colorful experience with women. They use words like an artist uses a brush. The picture they paint depends on what's inside the psyche. Time and actions generally validate or invalidate the painting as authentic. What I'm hearing, based on life experience, is her saying 'I'm afraid I'll break your heart and will feel guilty about it, so help me feel better and assuage my feelings of fear and guilt'.

 

OK, she's moving tomorrow. Enjoy your last day together, say good-bye and then see how it goes. My bet is you'll know for sure by V-day. Since she's moving, which can be unsettling, I'll suggest you drive to see her the next two trips as she settles in and then invite her to your place for something special for V-day weekend, assuming things go well. IMO, at that point, it'll be clear whether this is a viable dynamic or not.

[ale-mtown]

With that further information, here's a question to consider...

 

She evidently knew she would be moving when she started dating you. She said she had a bad experience with a past LDR. Why would she make choices to put her back into a similar situation and then put those 'fears' onto you at this late date?

 

I'll say this, with long and colorful experience with women. They use words like an artist uses a brush. The picture they paint depends on what's inside the psyche. Time and actions generally validate or invalidate the painting as authentic. What I'm hearing, based on life experience, is her saying 'I'm afraid I'll break your heart and will feel guilty about it, so help me feel better and assuage my feelings of fear and guilt'.

 

OK, she's moving tomorrow. Enjoy your last day together, say good-bye and then see how it goes. My bet is you'll know for sure by V-day. Since she's moving, which can be unsettling, I'll suggest you drive to see her the next two trips as she settles in and then invite her to your place for something special for V-day weekend, assuming things go well. IMO, at that point, it'll be clear whether this is a viable dynamic or not.

When she started dating me she was still working for one of the department at the uni. She believed she got the opportunity to go to grad school at that time but, for precautions, she was also applying randomly for jobs. She did the interview for this job after like 1.5 months we were dating but at that time she wasn't sure at all about what to do in case they offered her the position. We spent thanksgiving together with her family and after that we were told she got the position. Grad school was a no go, so she was forced to take this job.

We waited for me to go back to Italy for 3 weeks in order to test us and see how we were going to react when forced to be apart. 3 weeks, with an ocean in the middle and 6 hrs time zone it's a good test. Everything worked out great, no jealousy, common interest to talk to the other, we couldn't wait to be together again. When I was back we told each other we are wiling to try and make this work.

Her last LDR was with his ex boyfriend (LDR started after 3.5 years) who apparently disappeared one day and left her. She doesnt say it, but I am sure she went through a lot of pain and disappointment. She always told me they wanted different things and what she wants is someone who is willing to put the same amount of effort.

So, my opinion is that she is truly afraid I can do the same. I don't blame her, I'm older, foreign and in few months I will need to find a VISA to stay here. It's not an easy situation.

I'll see her next weekend, I'm sure in 3-4 weeks we will understand if we are really ready for this or not. Lets hope we are lol