Boyfriend ended LDR that he really wanted

[vintagemachine]

In July last year, I went on a Contiki tour and travelled around Europe with my best friend and I met a really great guy on the tour. It was a crazy summer romance, you could say. Everything happened so fast - he was 22, I was 23, I lost my virginity to him (late bloomer, I know), three weeks into the tour, we'd said, 'I love you' to each other and by the end of the month when the tour was over, we were officially going out. We both live in Australia, the only problem being that we were on opposites sides of the country - me in Perth and him in Melbourne - with a three hour time difference and a four hour flight. It seems like nothing compared to most LDRs, but they're all hard in their own ways.

 

During Contiki, he made it so clear he wanted to be with me. He'd thought about flights, the cost per year, when we'd see each other and for how long. He said he could see himself spending the next five years with me and it was basically up to me to make the decision to agree to a LDR. I was so indecisive for a while, but when he asked me out, I just said yes and I'd never been happier with my decision.

 

After Contiki, I spent a few days in Paris and he went on to travel around Europe with his best friend for another two months. Despite the time difference between Australia and Europe and not seeing each other for ages, it was pure bliss. When I was at work, he was sleeping and when I was home from work, he was awake and we'd talk all night long. I'd never met someone so crazy in love with me. He wanted to talk to me pretty much 24/7 which was really hard at first, but I understood that he missed me, so I made myself available all the time. All I'd do is eat, sleep, work and talk to him. When we weren't texting, he'd want me to write long Facebook messages, which was really hard and I had to stop because I just had no free time to myself. He was upset, but eventually understood. He'd get upset if I wasn't the first to initiate texting or if I took a bit long to reply, he questioned whether I even wanted to be in a relationship. It upset me so much, but I always told him that I loved him and of course I did.

 

Two months later, he arrived home and while things were good... they changed. He couldn't talk to me as much as he was occupied with family and friends and when I was finishing work, he was getting ready for bed. I flew to Melbourne to see him for five days and things were incredible. He said he could imagine us living together and that made me really happy. Even before meeting him, I'd always planned to live in Melbourne because I love the city and it was a better place to start my career. There was no doubt I'd move for him. After visiting me in Perth two weeks later (our plan was to see each other every other weekend), he got a job promotion and things got really rough from there. Of course, being at a new job, he felt a lot of pressure and was stressed out, but not hearing from him all the time was a completely new thing for me. I missed him terribly, sometimes crying over the phone, but he was pretty reassuring. Sometimes I didn't feel the same love and emotion from him that I did when he was in Europe when that was all I needed to keep me going and keep me strong when we were apart. He however said he found it difficult to open up, which I found strange considering he had no problem opening up to me on Contiki and while he was away in Europe. When I questioned him about this, he said to me, "Not to be rude, but I was drunk a lot of the time in Europe and you pushed me away". (He was all over me at first and it took me a while to warm up to him). When I felt like I needed him, he wasn't there for me like I was with him when I knew everyday was a struggle for him in Europe. When I asked him to text me just before he boarded the plane home, he asked me why and told me I needed to rely on him less. I never judged him when he needed me, but he did with me, so I kept my feelings to myself (it got too draining for him to deal with feelings and such) and I'd just cry to myself.

 

I'm quite a shy and quiet person, so he always encouraged me to try and and be louder by sending him random texts and asking random questions. During the Christmas period (by this time I'd flown to Melbourne twice and he flew to Perth twice), we wouldn't be seeing each other for a month as flights were really expensive during the holiday period. A week into that month, he told me I couldn't text him all the time because he was finding it too difficult to concentrate at work and then think about replying to me, which was fair enough, so I agreed that we'd phone each other at night before he went to bed. It worked for a few days until I started feeling upset that I'd just come home from work and wait for his phone call and if I was busy after work, I would barely hear from him all day - maybe one or two meaningless texts. He also found it difficult flying to Perth and then going straight to work when he got home (we'd see each other on the weekend and by the time he reached home, it was Monday morning), so I agreed I'd fly to Melbourne more until he got annual leave to take weekdays off to see me.

 

Last week, the day after Christmas, he texted me at night (after not hearing from him for almost 24 hours, which was unusual for us) asking, "Can we talk about flights and stuff?" and in that instant, I knew I was about to be broken up with. A part of me saw it coming (the way he told me flights and texts were too difficult, telling me he only said nice things to me in Europe because he was drunk, finding it hard to be emotional, etc), but I didn't actually see it happening even though I myself had thought about breaking it off too. It got too draining wondering everyday if I'd hear from him, if so, when and how much, and it ate at my mind questioning if he still loved me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. I started to feel so miserable in the relationship as he seemed to prioritise his job, seeing his friends and his alone time over talking to me. By the time he could talk, he was tired and yawning over the phone, so the conversations were meaningless. I thought it was a rough patch we'd eventually overcome when we saw each other next, but apparently not.

 

It's been just over a week since things have ended and I've been a wreck most of it (especially after having a miserable New Years and stalking your ex-boyfriend's Facebook looking at photos of how much fun he had), but I'm doing okay now. I wished him a happy New Year, he did the same and we've texted each other a bit back and forth talking about the end to our relationship. Over the phone when he broke up with me, he said he'd still like to talk to me when I'm ready, but I'm not sure if that's the best idea. Part of me wants to completely move on with my life, but at the same time, I don't want to forget about him and I don't want him to forget about me. I don't want to get over him, I just want to be with him. I know his break up wasn't easy for him, he even told me it had nothing to do with his feelings for me, his problems stemmed from the distance. I feel so heartbroken because I know if it weren't for it, we would've been so great together and we wouldn't have had these issues. I'm just so upset that we couldn't give it a proper chance and I don't feel like this is the end, even though deep down, it probably is.

 

He said that if I ever live in Melbourne, anything is possible and we could see how things go. It's not fair to make each other wait for each other (he even said I might meet someone in Perth and this devastated me hearing him talk like this already), but I don't want to believe this is the end. When I texted him saying I still love and miss him everyday, he said he feels the same way, but he's just not strong enough for a LDR. I don't know what to do. I want to talk to him, so he doesn't forget about me, but at the same time, maybe if I don't talk to him, he'll miss me. I just feel like when he settles into his new job, he might realise he still wants to be with me like I do with him. He was my first love and I'm just not ready to let go of that yet only after such a short-lived period of time. I know I was his first big love too and the first girl he saw spending the rest of his life with. I would be seeing him next weekend after a month and it pains me so much that I'm not and I don't know when I will.

 

Have you ever been in a LDR where one of you has come around after some time and realised you still want to be together? I mean, I'm not counting on it, but it's just so unfair to have distance end a relationship when it's not anything to do with love.

Edited January 4, 2013 by vintagemachine

[salparadise]

I just had essentially the same thing happen to me. What I think you have to understand is that if the other person's feelings were as strong as your's they wouldn't have broken up and used inconvenience as the excuse. Granted, if not for the inconvenience they might not have been motivated enough to break it off at this time, but the fact is that the feelings weren't sufficient to overcome the obstacles. I think you have no choice but to move on and it's probably best to cease contact. Otherwise you'll just continue to be attached and hopeful while not opening the door to the next chapter in your life.

[allenpo123]

It's been just over a week since things have ended and I've been a wreck most of it (especially after having a miserable New Years and stalking your ex-boyfriend's Facebook looking at photos of how much fun he had), but I'm doing okay now. I wished him a happy New Year, he did the same and we've texted each other a bit back and forth talking about the end to our relationship. Over the phone when he broke up with me, he said he'd still like to talk to me when I'm ready, but I'm not sure if that's the best idea. Part of me wants to completely move on with my life, but at the same time, I don't want to forget about him and I don't want him to forget about me. I don't want to get over him, I just want to be with him. I know his break up wasn't easy for him, he even told me it had nothing to do with his feelings for me, his problems stemmed from the distance. I feel so heartbroken because I know if it weren't for it, we would've been so great together and we wouldn't have had these issues. I'm just so upset that we couldn't give it a proper chance and I don't feel like this is the end, even though deep down, it probably is.

 

I understand how you feel, I had to break up with my LDR ex because of distance and culture. We weren't that much in love like you two, because we acknowledged the fact that we didn't have a future in the first place(but we still wanted to be together) so we both tried not to fall into it too much.

 

That being said, I totally understand how devastated you must be now that "what if" feeling. It hurts so bad once you start thinking about what you could have been without the distance problem. My advice is... Don't beat yourself to this. I spent nights sobbing over how we never had a chance to actually be together like a couple, cried my eyes out. But if it's meant to be, you will end up with him. If not, then he's the reason why you will meet someone even better in your life later on.

 

Just at the time being, I myself sometimes feel like although things have ended now, MAYBE we could still end up together someday, but deep down inside, you know it's not really going to happen.

 

Do you have anything else planned in your life? You mentioned you would be better to start your career in Melbourne, you should try it. But not for him, for yourself.

[vintagemachine]

Thanks for the advice! My friends and family have been really supportive, but it helps to get some insight from people who have been through the same situation.

 

I keep telling myself that if he loved me enough, he would've made this relationship work and it wouldn't have been this hard. I basically said the same thing to him too and he said if he's feeling like this now, imagine how he'll feel in 2-3 months time. I don't regret being in the relationship, but I feel like he should've put a lot more effort into this as he wanted to be with me so much.

 

The "what if" feeling is the worst. I keep imagining he'll come back to me and it's not right. I know the break up is still fresh though and hopefully I'll get over it.

 

He said that is he here for me, but I told him that he couldn't be because I need to get over him. We've ceased contact, though I don't know whether he'll reply to the letter I sent him and have anything to say over his stuff that I sent back to him.

 

I still definitely do want to live in Melbourne one day, but I can't make that decision just yet. Not until I'm fully over him, so I know I'm doing it for myself and not him.

[allenpo123]

Thanks for the advice! My friends and family have been really supportive, but it helps to get some insight from people who have been through the same situation.

 

I keep telling myself that if he loved me enough, he would've made this relationship work and it wouldn't have been this hard. I basically said the same thing to him too and he said if he's feeling like this now, imagine how he'll feel in 2-3 months time. I don't regret being in the relationship, but I feel like he should've put a lot more effort into this as he wanted to be with me so much.

 

The "what if" feeling is the worst. I keep imagining he'll come back to me and it's not right. I know the break up is still fresh though and hopefully I'll get over it.

- Yeah, I understand how you feel. Maybe things would be easier if the other person tried harder to make this work. If only one person is willing to sacrifice, I don't think the relationship would end up good... It's hard to define the balance, but I guess for some couples, if they really love each other that much and are very mature about it, things would be easier, at least emotionally.

 

He said that is he here for me, but I told him that he couldn't be because I need to get over him. We've ceased contact, though I don't know whether he'll reply to the letter I sent him and have anything to say over his stuff that I sent back to him.

 

- This is a good idea. I didn't go on NO CONTACT with my ex, we chat a little via text sometimes. I sent him a letter too along with some stuff he left behind, he's supposed to get the letter by now, but I haven't heard from him just yet. I'd be so disappointed if he got the letter and didn't tell me he got it... We didn't end on bad terms you see and he told me he still wants to be friends.

 

I still definitely do want to live in Melbourne one day, but I can't make that decision just yet. Not until I'm fully over him, so I know I'm doing it for myself and not him.

 

So proud of you A bit of my personal experience- my guy is working in VIC now and I was considering to apply for schools in AU after we broke up. I was afraid I am just doing this because I want to get back with him(to try if there was anything possibly for us) so I convinced myself not to go. But then I realized, if going to AU will help with my career, he shouldn't be in the way. It's all about doing what's best for us!!!!!

 

All the best

[vintagemachine]

The thing is, I was happily willing to sacrifice talking to him less and flying to Melbourne more, but after a while, I started having second thoughts because he never showed his appreciation towards this. It would've been no problem for me otherwise. This is the whole reason I started feeling so miserable in the relationship - I just felt like he stopped caring.

 

I've chatted to my ex through text a little, but it's been a few days now and I have nothing more to say to him, anyway. It's so hard though because a part of me still wants to hope he'll contact me. I just really miss him and I so badly wanted things to work out between us. I texted my ex saying I sent him a letter with his stuff, but it's up to him whether he wants to let me know. My letter was kind of hurtful, but I'm glad I wrote it and I read it everyday to remind myself why ending our relationship was for the best. He just got too cold and distant, which made me so sad and I questioned everyday whether he wanted to be with me and it was really painful to hear that he didn't in the end. We didn't end on bad terms either, but I wouldn't say good because I'm really hurt. He wants to be friends too, but I can't do that. I'm better off not knowing what's going on in his life.

 

Thank you so much! Australia is an amazing country with great opportunities, I think you could be really happy here. For now, I'm just going to work on getting a good job in Perth and moving to Melbourne will happen when I'm ready and not thinking about my ex-boyfriend.

Edited January 5, 2013 by vintagemachine

[justwhoiam]

It's called natural selection. Strong relationships stand the test of time, the weaker ones don't. And obviously, better now that on the steps of a church.

[salparadise]

The thing is, I was happily willing to sacrifice talking to him less and flying to Melbourne more, but after a while, I started having second thoughts because he never showed his appreciation towards this. It would've been no problem for me otherwise. This is the whole reason I started feeling so miserable in the relationship - I just felt like he stopped caring.

 

I told mine the same thing––that I'd be willing to do more than my share of the travel, and it was like she didn't want to hear it. This tendency to try and bargain is stage in the grieving process, and better left unspoken. At the point that they're notifying you that they're thinking of ending it, they've already divested themselves of the relationship.

 

It amazes me how someone can supposedly be in love and then just switch it off, but they do. Even in a relationship where both people are as open and honest as they can be, there is a lot that you have to figure out for yourself because the other is either not in touch with his/her true motivation or can't organize it into words. The emotional mind is a slippery customer. Few people fully comprehend the origin of their feelings. For some it's at least consistent and seemingly logical, for other's it's ever-changing without rhyme or reason and often based in fear. But regardless, we have to eventually understand that they simply weren't able, and that it's time to move on.

[HeavenOrHell]

I haven't read everything here, but just wanted to say people can and do leave their partner even if they still love them/their love is strong, sometimes it's too painful to stay if you're not getting your needs met (often the case in LDR's because of the distance).

If I leave my partner it will be because it's too painful to stay because I miss him too much but can't move, this isn't because I don't love him, it's because I do, and it's too unbearable.

[Gottabestrong]

Wow, I am in a very similar situation. We also had the intense happy beginning where he was so into me that I felt a bit overwhelmed, then it got long-distance after a few months and he started to seem cold and distant and because of the time-difference we barely talked anymore and then it was meaningless stuff that was exchanged. He also just started a new job and is very stressed and distracted with it.

 

Unfortunately I don't really have any advice other than hang in there and post here. It really helps.

[vintagemachine]

I told mine the same thing––that I'd be willing to do more than my share of the travel, and it was like she didn't want to hear it. This tendency to try and bargain is stage in the grieving process, and better left unspoken. At the point that they're notifying you that they're thinking of ending it, they've already divested themselves of the relationship.

 

It amazes me how someone can supposedly be in love and then just switch it off, but they do. Even in a relationship where both people are as open and honest as they can be, there is a lot that you have to figure out for yourself because the other is either not in touch with his/her true motivation or can't organize it into words. The emotional mind is a slippery customer. Few people fully comprehend the origin of their feelings. For some it's at least consistent and seemingly logical, for other's it's ever-changing without rhyme or reason and often based in fear. But regardless, we have to eventually understand that they simply weren't able, and that it's time to move on.

 

This is true. I knew things were hard, but I assumed he loved me enough to keep going. At first, he lightheartedly brought the issue up in a text, but a couple of weeks later, he seemed so serious about it on the phone. I couldn't do anything to make him happy and to make this work and as hard as that is, I have to accept that and move on.

 

I could tell he was confused for a while and I just knew something was up, but I didn't really bring it up as an issue with him because I was afraid of the answer. In the end, everything that was happening in his personal life was too much. His new job was affecting his own life and he didn't have the strength to be in mine anymore. I think I could've kept going, but there was no way it was ever going to work if he couldn't satisfy me emotionally. In a LDR, you have nothing but communication and I just wasn't getting enough from him anymore.

 

I haven't read everything here, but just wanted to say people can and do leave their partner even if they still love them/their love is strong, sometimes it's too painful to stay if you're not getting your needs met (often the case in LDR's because of the distance).

If I leave my partner it will be because it's too painful to stay because I miss him too much but can't move, this isn't because I don't love him, it's because I do, and it's too unbearable.

 

My ex-boyfriend found it easier being apart because he had a lot of things to distract him, but in the end, those distractions were too much to take on a relationship. I now realise he wasn't emotionally ready. He loved me enough to end things now rather than drag it out and put us both through pain. I know it wasn't an easy decision for him because he really wanted to be with me, but LDRs do require a lot of strength that he just wasn't able to give. I think the distance was definitely unbearable to us both.

 

Wow, I am in a very similar situation. We also had the intense happy beginning where he was so into me that I felt a bit overwhelmed, then it got long-distance after a few months and he started to seem cold and distant and because of the time-difference we barely talked anymore and then it was meaningless stuff that was exchanged. He also just started a new job and is very stressed and distracted with it.

 

Unfortunately I don't really have any advice other than hang in there and post here. It really helps.

 

How are things going now? If I can offer any advice, it's to talk about it now! I was too scared to talk to my ex-boyfriend because I knew deep down, he wasn't happy. I wasn't neither, but I just figured we were going through a rough patch. The problem with my ex was that he wasn't emotionally mature enough to talk about his feelings and in a relationship, especially a LDR, it's absolutely vital. I couldn't bring up issues without him finding it too draining or just not hearing what I was saying, which was so frustrating and that's part of the reason why things ended. If he hadn't broken up with me, I probably would've done it soon myself. I really hope you two can work things out. It hurts like hell that it didn't for me, but that's life and now I have to move on.

 

Posting here has really helped. It's the only time where I can talk about my ex without bursting into tears!