slant Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 So this is something I am never good at in my LDR and probably sounds immature, but I could use some advice. Today I was talking with my long-distance girlfriend about how her parents are too controlling over her sometimes. She came to me upset with something her mom did and I didn't know how to respond. I gave what I thought was very heart-felt advice but I don't think she was too happy. She pretty much ignored me the whole night and wouldn't respond to my texts. She had finals this week and our communication has been minimal lately. I already asked her if she is upset with me via text and I didn't get an answer. Obviously I know her best, but what would you do? Would you cave and send her a text apologizing and say you hate fighting or just wait it out and act as if you are fine? The past month or so she has been having moods where she ignores me for a whole day or two, mostly because she can't handle the long distance sometimes. This makes me think I need to just act aloof until she misses me a lot. She has told me I can be needy and I am trying to shake that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author slant Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 I also feel I am not getting a lot from her lately. What I mean is she seems to have all the time in the world for her friends and roommates, but when it comes to me it's often the problems are all I hear about. Truth be told we were planning to spend time together during Christmas and agree to see other people after the new year. The distance is so hard so much of the time. Even so, she just yesterday said right now she thinks she will come visit me in March, though she cannot promise how she will feel then. I just want her to be in my arms and I know she wants that too . Link to post Share on other sites
amitooclingy Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 You and I have a lot in common. I usually cave and give in and pretend like i'm not hurt. I really think you should just be open and honest with her about everything. The distance is killer and only really strong relationships, the ones that last, can make it. If you feel like she's worth it, keep fighting, if not, let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 It's a tough call. Give her space until the finals are over and you get to meet in person. It's not too long until Christmas, right? But then, when you finally get to talk and she actually is in the conversation and listening to you, let her know how her behavior makes you feel in no uncertain terms. And, if that's what it is to you, let her know that it is taking a toll on the relationship. Because it is. For a couple of weeks (in my case) or months even, you may go on like this, but at one point you, slant, are going to break. She should be warned. It is possible that she's so self absorbed or takes you for granted ("you are needy sometimes") that she doesn't get it on her own. And then you have to see whether something changes in her behavior or not. And reassess, if the changes she made suffice for you to continue this relationship. Unfortunately at one point in many relationships, the paint starts chipping off. This is especially true if the people involved are young and may not have made the experiences which make a sincere, empathetic, self-aware and dedicated person. And you have to deal with relationship issues in a very technical manner, or you will be giving your SO chance after chance and in turn you continue to suffer. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author slant Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 Umirano thank you for the reply. It was well-thought out and meant a lot to me. I think I will give her space for at least a day and then probably give her a call. It's just a confusing situation. Many times she will tell me she doesn't want to lose me, and others it feels like she doesn't even care about me. I'm almost always the one that gives in first and I will try not to this time. I am the one in the tougher situation in many ways, being in a new city 2000 miles from home (I'm a recent grad) while she has all her friends in college to run around with. I want it to appear I'll be alright without her, because it's clear the neediness and insecurity is unattractive to her. Amitooclingy I hope you are handling your situation okay. Long distance really is an awful thing but I guess we do it because we feel the person is worth the hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
joli_doll Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 Obviously I know her best, but what would you do? Would you cave and send her a text apologizing and say you hate fighting or just wait it out and act as if you are fine? The past month or so she has been having moods where she ignores me for a whole day or two, mostly because she can't handle the long distance sometimes. This makes me think I need to just act aloof until she misses me a lot. This is exactly what you should do if you want her to start resenting you and ignoring some more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author slant Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 This is exactly what you should do if you want her to start resenting you and ignoring some more. Well it doesn't take much to push me in that direction so I took your advice and talked to her. It was for the best I'd say. I guess I should be less needy and aloof when we are NOT in the middle of a fight. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 She came to me upset with something her mom did and I didn't know how to respond. I gave what I thought was very heart-felt advice but I don't think she was too happy. She pretty much ignored me the whole night and wouldn't respond to my texts. I can't say what I think if I don't know what she told you and most importanly what you told her. Anyway, without further elements, I agree with the other girl in here. Why is it so difficult for a guy to apologize? But you only have to apologize if you did something wrong, and guys seem to never know when they are wrong... and in the meantime things worsen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author slant Posted December 19, 2012 Author Share Posted December 19, 2012 I can't say what I think if I don't know what she told you and most importanly what you told her. Anyway, without further elements, I agree with the other girl in here. Why is it so difficult for a guy to apologize? But you only have to apologize if you did something wrong, and guys seem to never know when they are wrong... and in the meantime things worsen. It is so difficult because in this situation she just stopped talking to me. I was giving what I thought to be good advice, but she took it the wrong way. I can only blame it on having an important conversation through texts, which is stupid. I had no indication that she was upset. Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 (edited) Things I have learnt over time. 1. Don't bad mouth your partners family, even if they are ****ty with them and are venting to you about it. More often than not they are just doing that venting and not asking for your personal opinion. 2. A lot of guys make this mistake, just because your partner is venting/complaining about something doesn't mean they want you to try and "fix" it or for you to pitch your advice. They may just want you to listen, if they ask for your advice then that is different. 3. Communication is important how the hell are you supposed to know how each other is feeling if you can't talk about your feelings. Purposely playing the silent game is a great way to put a nail in the coffin of a LDR. Edited December 19, 2012 by Carenth 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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