Decision on whether to start a LDR

[soontobesolo]

My situation is still an iffy LDR... My boyfriend and I currently live together, and have for the past 3-1/2 years. We have a good relationship, although there have been issues of jealousy (on my part). He is the type that flirts with other women when we're not together, although harmlessly. He does have a bad habit of "checking out" other women even when we are together, and I've told him this bothers me. He tries to stop it for a while, and then goes back to it.

 

Anyway, he is looking into attending a technical school for about 5 months. This was my suggestion, to help him make a career change. Unfortunately there are no schools available close to our state, and this is something he's very interested in doing. We would be far enough apart that frequent visits would be very difficult, and costly, something we can't afford right now. Also, I have 2 children, and I obviously have to be here with them!

 

My concern is that I won't be able to handle some of the LDR issues. We both met after separating from long-term marriages, and our relationship seemed to be our new chance to "make things right." We have alot in common, spend most of our time together by choice, and are in a very comfortable routine at home. My biggest complaint is lack of communication, mostly on his part. When we first met he was very communicative, but that has slackened as our relationship went on. I'm worried that with the distance this will become a real problem for us. If he doesn't open up now, how hard will it be to stay in touch emotionally with each other when we're hundreds of miles apart?

 

He also made the mistake (I say this half jokingly) of telling me that he did cheat on his former wife, once. He considers it a one-time deviation, but he had a "side" relationship with the other woman for several months. I can't help but wonder if he did it once, he might do it again. I can honestly say that I believe he's been faithful to me since we've been together. He is very courteous about calling and letting me know what his plans are, if he's going to be late, etc. and we do talk about what we do when we're apart. But I wonder if we had so much distance between us if he'd find himself tempted. I want to trust him, and definitely don't want to jump the gun and make a problem out of something that hasn't even happened yet!!

 

Another huge issue is that I'm currently at the tail-end of treatment for breast cancer. I'm still recovering from changes in my appearance both on physical and emotional levels. I'm not sure that I want to be alone at this point in my life, even if he waits a couple of months to start his schooling. On the otherhand I do NOT want to hold him back and make him feel tied to my side. I am mature enough to know that I can handle most of these issues on my own, I would simply prefer to have him physically here to help me through them.

 

What I want is to make peace with the idea of him being away, after all it is only for 5 months, and maybe it will make the relationship feel "new" again? I do think he'd be very good about staying in touch, he's already said he has to get a laptop so we can chat and e-mail every day. It's the quality of the communication that concerns me rather than the quantity.

 

Also I'm concerned about money. We currently share all the household expenses and I'm not sure if we can afford to lose his salary. I suggested that he try and get a part-time job while he's there, but I don't want to compromise his study time. Again a big decision......

 

We are talking about all these issues, I'm just wondering if anybody out there who has been in a similar situation can shed some light on how you handled these types of concerns? I need advice so I can make a decision!!

 

Thanks to anybody who can offer me help

[moimeme]

We currently share all the household expenses and I'm not sure if we can afford to lose his salary.

 

Have you not figured this out? If not, sit down today and work the numbers. What is he planning to do - quit his job? If so, what will he do for work when he returns? It doesn't sound as though much planning has gone into this!!

 

Can he do this course anytime (for instance, when you're through your treatment and feeling better about being on your own?)

 

As for being away for five months, this I don't get at all. Presumably, if two people are together, it's because they have taken time to find each other and because they both think the person they're with is the best person to be with - so how or why would anybody find a replacement for such a short period of time?

 

In my experience, five months fly by quickly. If he's at school, I imagine he'll be extremely busy. And if he's the kind of person who can't be loyal for a few months, you're probably better without him.

[soontobesolo]

First of all thanks for replying.... No, I haven't run the numbers yet on our finances because we are in the very early stages of thinking about this (just this week). Yes, he would have to quit his job to attend the school, but he has been wanting to get out of his current position for a while now (another long story). I do support him on that decision, it's not something he's been wanting to do solely. We're assuming that he'll be employable in a new field when he completes this training, and hope he'll get a job upon his return. Obviously we'll need to make financial allowances for the possibility that he doesn't get a job IMMEDIATELY upon his return.

 

Yes, there are several start dates for the school and I'm sure he would wait if I asked him to. The problem is I've been going through my medical ordeal for 8 months already, and although I'm doing well it's difficult to say when I'll be close to 100% physically and emotionally. I don't really want to hold him back when I'm not sure how long I would need to do that.

 

You're right, 5 months does fly by. Thank you for pointing that out. It seems so simple, but I am more vulnerable now than I usually am (illness and all), and it felt like a long time.

 

I didn't mean to sound as though he is untrustworthy. Again, my own insecurities at this difficult time in my life. One thing that has hit me full-force since I was diagnosed is that it's important to grab opportunities when they come up, not wait til tomorrow.... I want that for him - to take this chance to improve himself.