How to deal with this situation? (Quite long)

[a frustrated girl]

Hi, i''ve been having LDR with my bf for overy 3 years. Last year i decided to stay with him for half year in America, and i came back to my country in late January this year. Before leaving America, he told me whatevery happened, if i couldn't find jobs or i had no place to stay, i could always come back to him. It sounds sweet, but i am not sure if i should do so.

 

I have been looking for jobs for months in my country, but i still haven't found my jobs, i know it hasn't been that long since i came back from America and I shouldn't be too worry about my situation, my other problem is that I don't have a place to live in my country (that's another story, too long to be explained), so I am very very frustrated and i cried many many times. He told me many times to check out the price of plane tickets, if anything goes wrong, he would buy me tickets and go back to him and we would figure out how to get a job there, how to deal with the problem and etc.... But, I don't want to go back to him without getting a job there. I mean, i don't want to rely on him totally. I want to be able to support myself when i get back there. I believe that our relationship wouldn't be healthy if I got no jobs and he become the sole financial supporter. I believe it would create many problems. Not that we would argue for money or anything related to money, i don't know how to explain, i just can't accept that he works all days and i stay at home all days doing nothing when i have the ability to work. It is not healthy.

We had lived together for 6 months last year, it was sweet, i could meet him everyday, cooked for him everyday. But i want to work there and help paying the bills. I already got something bad from his friend, saying that I was lazy, doing nothing there. I don't want to be a lazy b****. I do want to be with him, I am happy that he asks me going back to him. It is the problem that I couldn't work legally there (no working visa, and i have a non-professional degree only), and even i got visa,I might even get no jobs still.

 

SOme of you might suggest us getting marry. The fact is that we've never talked about that before and i believe it is not a good time for both of us to get marry. We are not at the stage of getting marry yet.

 

I am not asking how to stay in america legally or illegally so that i could work there. I am asking whether i should go back to him for few weeks to see how things work out. I don't know. It sounds meaningless to me, like he said, to spend a vacation there again and we would figure things out. I've already sent him messages and told him on phone that i don't wanna go back when i couldn't work there (i do want to stay with him if i can support myself there). He just told me to keep checking the price of plane tickets, spend another vacation there and stuff like that.

Don't get me wrong, please, he is not selfish , he has never forced me to make any decisions, or persuaded me to do something that i don't want to do. He just gives me options, but i don't know. i do want to have future with him, i love him with all my heart, but i don't want us to suffer and end up in misery or anything like that.

 

Please help.

[overseas2004]

I think if you love this guy and care about him you should go back. Distance will only end up killing your relationship.

 

While your desire to work is noble and in the right place you should not expect everything in life to go according to plan. For now you have love. Go back and keep looking for work. I am sure you will find a job.

 

Where are you from by the way?

[Togagirl]

Wow it seems like this guy really loves you. But if you don't feel comfortable living that way for a while, until things pan out, maybe you shouldn't go.

 

Independence was very important to me, I know taking a lower paying job to move in with my boyfriend at the time, was really hard for me to do, and caused more stress on the relationship. Even though it put us much closer together I was never happy, we ended up fighting all the time.

 

Did you look into other options like continuing going to school here? Maybe qualifying for some type of financial aid? Just a thought.

 

Good Luck.

[a frustrated girl]

Togagirl and overseas2004, thanks for your sincere reply, you both gave me some very good advice. I'm very very appreciate that. I'm sorry, I typed a long reply yesterday but it disappeared when i got done spelling check

 

To overseas2004, Yes, I do love and care about him alot, there is no single day that I won't miss him. I always think of the time we were together (both good and bad time ). But, I am so helpless, i do want to stay with him like i did in the past 6 months. This LDR really frustrated both of us. I don't know what he thinks about that. He respects my choice. It might sound silly, sometimes i want him make the decision that i should stay with him. Yeah, i think i would at least find a job if i could stay in America. I know people from developing countries speaking little english can find jobs. I think i can do it too because i speak english, have working experience and have a BA degree. I don't know, i'm stuck. To answer your question, i'm from Hong Kong.

 

To Togagirl: Yes, I totally agree with you. I want to be independent, i want to have a job. I can't accept that he works late and all worn out everyday and i do nothing at home. On one hand, i could support myself if anything goes wrong; on the other hand, i would like to plan our future, like i said in my first post, if we have financial problems, it would create many more problems, and we wouldn't be able to keep our relationship. To answer your question, yes , i did look into other options e.g. applying schools there, applying green card lottery, but i got rejected by the school and i missed last year's lottery. But i will try again this year

 

By the way, Togagirl and overseas2004, are you both in LDR too?

[Togagirl]

I was in a ldr for a while, thats when I decided to quit my good job to take something lower paying and move in with my now ex. Although money was never really an issue with him it bothered me more than you could ever imagine. It started numerous fights because I was so depressed I couldn't keep up with my share of the bills. In my mind I thought he resented me too. Looking back now my mind made it a much bigger deal than it actually was, but by the time I started to talk with him about what was bugging me, it was too late and he didn't want to try again.

 

Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out.

[a frustrated girl]

I don't know. Sometimes i feel that he cares me alot, sometimes i don't. Like i called him today, he was so tired to talk, which upsets me alot. I know i should understand him, but it's so hard when we are so far apart from each other. I asked him what if i didn't get jobs and didn't have a place to stay in my country, he said "Just remember our plan" (the plan that i move back with him and find jobs in America). I wanna talk more about the plan, but somehow he's too tired to talk. I don't know.