dreamgirl Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 okay i need some advice. i have been in wonderful relationship for exactly four years, two of which have been LD. (i'm at school in CO, he's in NJ) we only get to see each other in person two or three times a year, but we have daily(sometimes several times a day!) phone conversations. he is not planning to move out here to be with me, which is fine, he has his life too. problem is, i feel like i'm in a relationship with a ghost sometimes. i miss the cuddling, the companionship and stuff that comes with a regular relationship. i am soooo lonely! i haven't really made many friends here at school, because my thoughts and heart are still in nj i guess. anyway, i recently developed a really strong "crush" on someone here at school and i don't know what to do. he and i had coffee last night and talked about it. i said i don't want to have to choose, i want both. the boy in question asked me if i really needed to make a decision, and did i really want to make one? does anyone else interpret this kind of like "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with?". maybe its just wishful thinking on my part. oh yeah, the boy in question is 8 years younger than me. i'm not sure how to feel about that either. the BF and i have had the discussion about if we meet someone to not hold off our happiness for someone who isn't there. so my dilemma is, i would like to have both men in my life. i don't want to lose the BF, but i want to explore the possibility that is here in front of me. i feel like such a bad person though, because i know the BF would not go after someone else. what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 People date multiples all the time. It's making a commitment to multiple people that is the problem. Your bf in NJ has told you it is okay to date others - is this right? Then he is free to date others also. Talk to the bf in NJ and tell him that you want to go out with some guys like you two had previously discussed, and that you hope he is doing the same thing. But it doesn't mean that you two are officially "broken up" - you can still be friends, even romantic friends, from a distance. And promise each other that should deeper feelings happen with any of the people you are casually dating, you will be honest about it and then end the LD relationship. If you tell the new guy(s) that you meet that the dates are not exclusive, you just want to have some fun and not make any commitments right now - then what is the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Charley Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Um, No. to be blunt duh. imagine your boyf. is thinking the same about you. seriously imagine he is. make yourself believe it. now think how you feel about it. If your thinking, i wouldnt care, DUMP HIM and go for it. dont two time it just leads to horridness. IMO ChArley Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Yes! you can. All you have to do is let participants know that you do not intend to be exclusive. Back in the good old days, like the 1950s, it was NORMAL to date around (not necessarily ***** around). Now, we have the insanity of serial monogamy beginning at age 14, and the agonizing divorce-like breakups that come with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Venéa Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 In this situation, I'd say yes. Just go with the flow - there's nothing wrong with having a little fun when young, and you haven't strictly said your relationship with your boyfriend is monagonmous. Hate to be nosy but if you're still in school, and this boy is 8 years younger than you...how young are you talking? :\ Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 As long as you haven't made a commitment to one person, it's okay to date around. If you have made a commitment to your current bf, then the next ethical question that arises is whether or not it's okay to test the waters, so to speak. I think it's a fine line. To use the job analogy, it's okay on occasion to go for an interview if another job sounds interesting, but if you're always going on interviews you have to ask yourself why you're doing that and decide whether or not you want to stay put. You can't have two full time jobs...in other words, you can't have two full time boyfriends. It's gotta be one or the other. It's not fair otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 Originally posted by Venéa Hate to be nosy but if you're still in school, and this boy is 8 years younger than you...how young are you talking? :\ He's 19. Link to post Share on other sites
DarkClouds Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 Hiya, Not here to advise you really. Just to say, pls refer to link below. Just some thoughts to consider when becoming involved with two ppl simultaneously and the effects one small action/thought/intention can have on the lives of others. Actually there is advice. Do what you feel is truly, unselfishly right. Good luck with everything. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t32020/ Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 yes, as long as everybody knows you are not being exclusive Link to post Share on other sites
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