He emotionally blackmailed me?

[Emily441]

We have been together almost 2 months. We are long distance. I'm 16, he is 19. I'm a virgin, he is not. Lately, he has been bugging me for some naughty pics of myself that I can send him. I really don't wanna show him, and he has never pressured me before, but lately he has. I don't wanna show, I don't feel comfortable in doing so. I texted him the afternoon and I said "I'll send you a pic when you're ready. But I'll have to take one when I get home from from babysitting" He said he wanted them now. Then before I could even text him back he said "Hello. I said I want them now" I then told him I was at work, and he texted me back saying "whatever"

 

I got upset, wondering why he was acting mean, he never has acted this way before. So a couple minutes later I texted him asking what was wrong. He sent me back a text that said "I will just have my other girlfriend take pics of herself. Better yet, I'll take them of her because I just got done having sex with her" I immediately started cry and even before I could say anything, he texted me again saying "she's beautiful" and "did I tell you I have another gf? I cant remember if I told you or not?" So finally I said "Fine, go be with her. It shows you never cared for me in the first place." Then he texted me back saying it was all a prank, and that I couldn't take a joke. How could I laugh when I had tears rolling down my face? I didn't tell him that I cried, I just pretended to laugh it off, but it really hurt my feelings and it's bothering me. Should I tell him how much that bothered me, or should I just drop it?

There's more to it, but I just told you what basically happened. Why do you think he did this?

[Emily441]

No, but, I stupidly want to give him a chance. Atleast talk it over with him. Weird he acted this way out of the blue. I've grown extremeley attatched to him. Thanks for the feedback. Not sure what I should do.

[2sunny]

He's a douche either way!

 

The harm he intended to cause should be enough for you to cut him off.

 

Run!

 

I hope you want more for yourself than this jerk.

 

Never ever settle!

[Jessica w]

Wow. That is extremely cruel. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't waste any more of your time or emotions on a guy like that. Do what you need to do to move on and forget about him. Find someone that will treat you with kindness, respect and love. You deserve it.

[TaraMaiden]

Emily, pay attention, and please know this to be true;

 

Nobody, but nobody has a right to blackmail you, emotionally or any other way.

Nobody has a right to put you into a compromising position, to demand you do what they want, and to give in to their demands, simply because they want you to.

 

Anyone who makes demands upon you that make you feel uncomfortable, upset, unhappy, compromised, forced, coerced or obliged to do it, because otherwise they won't love/respect/go out with you any more - is worth less than the dogschytt I scrape off my hiking boots.

 

You do nothing - NOTHING - for anyone that causes you to compromise or sacrifice your dignity, self-esteem, self-worth or self-image.

anybody who truly cares for you and loves you would either never ask that of you, or would make sure you were 100% completely happy and comfortable doing it.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a sexy, seductive, gorgeous, glamorous little kitten for your BF.

but you really have to be completely happy, comfortable, relaxed, confident and content to do it.

 

And he's not the right person.

 

I would, if i were you, cut off all contact.

the assumption and suspicion that the phone fell into someone else's hands, is precisely that.

Ask yourself if it's likely.

better yet, assume it's him - and drop him, now.

[Trimmer]

Emily, I have some strong thoughts on your situation. First, I will tell you that I'm a father, with a daughter not far from your own age, and your story really makes me mad.

 

I'm going to point out two things about his behavior that were cruel - one of them is obvious, and the other one, I think, is a little less obvious. I want you to see just how significant his cruelty is.

 

First, this is pretty obviously a bunch of cruel stuff for a partner to say:

He sent me back a text that said "I will just have my other girlfriend take pics of herself. Better yet, I'll take them of her because I just got done having sex with her"... he texted me again saying "she's beautiful" and "did I tell you I have another gf? I cant remember if I told you or not?"

 

But I also want to shine a light on this statement:

Then he texted me back saying it was all a prank, and that I couldn't take a joke.

Honestly, I find this to be equally cruel as his initial barrage of mean remarks. Why? Because he's taking advantage of a power imbalance in your relationship (his age and experience compared with yours) to make you question your own reaction. By saying "you can't take a joke", he's invalidating your distress, essentially telling you that you don't deserve to be hurt and insulted because you "should have" taken it as a joke.

 

I know you probably feel like you're growing up and mature and like you can handle stuff, and I don't mean to belittle that - you are growing up - but when I look at it with my parent's eyes, you're just about 2 years out of puberty, and he's more like 5 years out. In what I call "post-puberty years" - when you do your relationship and psycho-sexual development work - he's over twice your age. And he's taking advantage of that, so not only does he hurt you with the "having sex with another beautiful girl..." junk (and just to be clear, any typical partner would be hurt, hearing that mean, manipulative come-back out of the blue, like you heard it), but then he makes you question whether you are entitled to your very real reactions of hurt resulting from that.

 

Don't stand for this. Don't become the woman that makes excuses for your douchebag man, the woman who accepts his belittling and invalidating your feelings. What he said was hurtful - I believe it was meant to manipulate you (into sending him pictures) by causing pain. He thought that you would want to stop the pain and please him again so you would snap to it and send him some "naughty pics" right away. Then when you didn't, he increased the pressure even more with the "can't take a joke" garbage.

 

Don't be the woman who lets yourself get manipulated like this. If you don't want to send him the pictures, you are right to say no. And certainly say no to his attempts to manipulate you with cruelty.

 

Don't make excuses for him, or try to see this as something you should have "taken as a joke". See this as manipulation through cruelty on his part. See it for what it is, and see him for who he is.

 

Speaking of knowing who he really is, another thought: you said that you've only "been together" for 2 months, and that it's long distance. Does this mean you "met" online, or is this someone you've known in person? If this is someone you've only met online, please, PLEASE be careful. Do you really know who he is?

 

How is your home life, and your relationship with your own family? Are you in a stable, supportive situation? It seems just a little unusual, to me, that at 16 you are engaging in a long distance relationship with a 19 year-old. Not unheard-of, maybe; but it's just that the possibility that this is an online-only relationship, together with how short it has been, and his obvious attempts to manipulate you into sending him (frankly, illegal) "naughty pics" - it's setting off some warning signals in the "father" section of my brain.

 

So how did you guys meet, and what's the history of this 2 month relationship?

[Dust]

If you're 16 and in the US be careful with dirty pictures. I mean if its considered pornography... which is ill defined you, he, people could be in a lot of trouble.

 

As far as him joking about sleeping with other women... you should joke about dumping him... then really dump him.

[HeavenOrHell]

Read your original post to yourself and think what you'd say to a friend in your position.

I hope you'd tell her to run like hell.

There's no excuse for his callous, extremely immature behaviour, please don't contact him again, have some pride and respect for yourself.

[Miad's Princess]

Emily have you considered that maybe he really does have another girlfriend and this was not just a joke (a sick joke at that)

Can you really be sure he is who he says he is.

[spice4life]

Sweetie, I'm a mother of two daughers and I can tell you that his actions show he has absolutely no respect for you at all! You are only 16 and YOU and ONLY YOU call the shots with your body. Never EVER do anything you are not comfortable doing just because you are being pressured. And more importantly, DO NOT send this scumbag any pics! He is such a douche that he would probably show them to his friends.

 

Dump his sorry A** and tell him if he ever tries to pressure you or bother you again, you will expose him for who he really is. Seriously, what a douchebag!

 

One last thing. A guy who says mean and spiteful things to hurt you and then turns around and says "you can't take a joke," is an abusive piece of crap. He is minimizing how you feel and it will only get worse, not better. You don't have to bend yourself and do things you DO NOT want to do just to please him.

 

Use this as a lesson about what type of guy you should NOT date. Dump this POS fast and hard! Tell him to crawl back under the slimy rock he came from.

[Emily441]

I met him a couple years ago, at a youth Christian convention. We became friends over the past couple years, but even back then he liked me. He has always pressured me to be his girlfriend, and I finally gave in two months ago. We used to talk everyday on the phone, and also video chat on Skype, but he doesn't call me anymore and he doesn't wanna Skype me anymore unless my clothes are off. Also, we used be be friends on Facebook, but about a month ago I inboxed him a message on there that said "I miss you." A simple, kind message. Next thing I know, he deleted and blocked me. I confronted him about this, asking him why. He completely denied it.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, Emily..... Please!!

 

I take it you have decided that he's just a douchebag and not to be either trusted or tolerated??

delete him and block him - EVERYWHWERE

 

Please - for your own safety and well-being - just make sure he's history, big-time!!

 

Listen to Trimmer, and re-read this thread, over and over - and look at my No Contact guide - memorise it if needs be, but DO IT!!

[Jessica w]

It sounds like this guy has really changed since you first were friends with him. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I know how much it can hurt. I really mean it when I say, be glad you did not invest so much time and emotion in this guy. No guy that cares about you or is worth a damn would pressure you to do anything you don't want to. Please keep your mind on school and your future (where you will later meet a mature guy that can give you real love). I wish you the best.

[darkmoon]

do not let a boyf take naughty photos - i have seen them being made public on-line out of spite when the men got dumped - two in the past three months on LS alone - just say no cuz he can see the real thing in the flesh as often has he wants

[TaraMaiden]

It sounds like this guy has really changed since you first were friends with him. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I know how much it can hurt. I really mean it when I say, be glad you did not invest so much time and emotion in this guy. No guy that cares about you or is worth a damn would pressure you to do anything you don't want to. Please keep your mind on school and your future (where you will later meet a mature guy that can give you real love). I wish you the best.

 

Helloooo....?

[freestyle]

Just because he demands that you jump---

 

You don't have to say,"How high?".

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree, these type of pics should only be for mature, trustworthy couples.

 

 

 

do not let a boyf take naughty photos - i have seen them being made public on-line out of spite when the men got dumped - two in the past three months on LS alone - just say no cuz he can see the real thing in the flesh as often has he wants

[Emily441]

He just pulled another "Joke" on me prenteding that he was dumping me. Then he said "April Fool's. I love you" WTF kind of boyfriend does this? I care about him, but I am so tired of him putting me through so much pain and then tell me it's a joke.

[irin]

stop talking him, get rid of him, this is terrible. why are accepting this kind of behaviour. at age difference i hope he know its illegal for him to have those kind of pictures of. and also if you want them past around the web and around his friends then feel free to send them!

[TaraMaiden]

He just pulled another "Joke" on me prenteding that he was dumping me. Then he said "April Fool's. I love you" ...

I'd send him one back saying "I'm dumping you - NO JOKE. Get lost, and don't contact me any more you sick pervert."

 

(She said, compassionately... )

[JoeyArnold]

I don't feel comfortable.

Don't do what you don't want to do. He might be bluffing. He might not have other GFs. He seems to be more interested in sex than you. If you want a man who really cares about you then he doesn't sound interest yet.

[FitChick]

He seems to be more interested in sex than you.

 

That's the bottom line right there. Let some other girls make fools of themselves by giving him naked pictures. Then you will have the last laugh seeing them on one of those ex-girlfriend websites where guys post all those photos. I suspect his friends have pix so he wants to be able to show some of his own to feel like a real man. Idiot!

 

Definitely tell him that having photos of a girl under 18 is a crime and he'll have to register as a sex offender for life. Might scare him straight.

[Patrice]

If you are 16 and he is 19 .. and if you send him pics as requested that's a crime ... age of consent already considered here. Way outside the bounds of normal and healthy behavior .. look at the laws on the books in your state.

[JoeyArnold]

Photos of a girl under 18 is a crime.

Every man is tempted by sex but not all men are slaves to giving into their hormones: sexual fantasy haunts the males like ghosts at a cemetery: those thoughts have came to me but the real question will be: "Will we give in or kick those thoughts out of our lives or not?"

 

I believe sex is reserved for a husband & wife. But most men give into their urges: it means they are in a hurry: they're not patient: they don't have time to care about the other person: they are only there to satisfy their desires: they are choosing to give into those impulses.

 

The most important question will be: "What kind of man are you the most interested in: a man who just wants sex or a man who wants to care for you for life?"

[Good Soul]

He just pulled another "Joke" on me prenteding that he was dumping me. Then he said "April Fool's. I love you" WTF kind of boyfriend does this? I care about him, but I am so tired of him putting me through so much pain and then tell me it's a joke.

Please get away from this person. You are too young and inexperienced to be dating a 19 year old. He sounds like he's just messing with you, no guy who cared about a girl would send her such messages, even as an April Fool's 'joke'.

 

He sounds like a total a-hole.