Promises don't mean much because people change. Maybe they can change back?

[eidolon]

Hello all!

It has been almost a week and a half since he broke up with me. Some backstory would be in order, but I'm sorry if I make it tl;dr. I met him in April, and I was in a relationship with someone who lived 4 hours away from me. We fell for each other instantly, and we were on Skype 24/7. It really hurt him though. I was very attached to the guy I was dating, mostly because he was my first and all of that. From April until August, he courted me. We would watch movies over Skype multiple times a week...among other things near nightly. I near broke his heart multiple times, but in the end I chose him. It was the right choice. Unfortunately, he lives in NC, and I live in NYC. When we started dating, I guess we were already out of the honeymoon phase, but still at a very comfortable stage full of love and affection and all of that. He was always very sweet, and we didn't fight even once. Personality wise, we are prefect for each other.

You know that old adage? "If you're not growing together, you're growing apart" ? That seemed to apply here.

He visited me in September for 3 days. It was really expensive, with a hotel and all. I am still living with my parents, and they would not have approved. I'm still under their control. But anyway, he visited, and I can say with no doubt that those were the best days I have ever lived.

At that point, he had already started playing World of Warcraft. I'm not going to say the MMO is an issue. I think it exacerbated the issues caused by the distance, however.

It was okay, we were still on skype 24/7, he would call me and we would fall asleep on the phone together and be sweet and all of that. Nothing wrong. Then further into October and November, I no longer got much attention from him. I talked to him today, and pretty much worked out that he plays around 100 hours a week. I dealt with it for the most part, but eh. At the end of November (I already felt him slipping away around the 20th, pretty sure he talked to other girls online...) I started being a little distant. I figured it would get his attention, and maybe he would try at least to talk to me. It didn't go so well. This went on for around 2 weeks. I would be on skype with him every day still, but I would mute myself, and if I responded to something he said, I would be a little cold. I was getting more and more hurt as the days went by. He made no great effort.

Gosh, I'm sorry this is so long winded...

Well, on the 17th, we had a talk...and he broke up with me. I cried and cried and I begged and pleaded for three days. I just wanted to die. He gave me an ultimatum, since he said he had made up his mind (he doesn't change his mind, according to...himself). Either I stopped begging or he would stop talking to me. Since then, we're at a friend level, and we still talk on skype every day. But...he's started talking to other girls. In fact, I think he's voice-chatting with one right now...I feel so inferior...

He said it was the distance, mostly, that made him break up with me. He fell out of love with me. It would have taken a few years, honestly, to be with him (4 years for schooling), but I would really have tried to visit him and make it work. It cost a lot to see me, it would take more time than we thought it would, and he is a little lost when it comes to where he is in life and where he wants to be. This all contributed to us growing farther apart, and him falling out of love with me. He said that there were things he wanted to do in that time, like be with someone closer to him geographically. He wanted to be with me forever. What made me not worth the wait? Why not try?

 

I just miss him so much, and I want to know that maybe someday, in the future, I'll be his baby again.

 

I'm sorry that was so long...

[eidolon]

I think I want hope and reassurance more than I want advice, but I really do want a way to "win" him back and make it work. In the future at least.

I am willing to wait for him as long as possible, though he is not willing to wait for me (as he's talking to other girls already- quite the charmer haha).

 

We talked and I said (just in general) that I would go to any lengths to be with someone, and that if it cost $20.00 a bus ride (in reference to my other ex who never visited...) I would visit as often as possible, regardless of how long it takes to get there. He said that it was good that I'm willing to go so far for a relationship, and that yeah, if I was that close, this might have worked.

 

I just really hate that distance is such a huge, exigent thing.

Far worse than any Lovecraftian horror.

Boo.

[eidolon]

I would really appreciate some opinions. I apologize if I sound ridiculous with all of this...

[Country_Girl]

Take it from me, he is not worth it, at least not right now. Give him time though. Trust me, I lived with a bf for 5.5 years, and after about 3 years we started growing apart. By year 4 he developed an internet gaming addiction as well, just happened to be WoW also. I was so stupid, I even started taking up gaming, thinking it would draw us together. Instead he had his "internet" friends he wanted to play with, and helping me figure out the game was a burden on him.

 

I broke it off because we just weren't the same people anymore, we didn't have time for each other, he was gaming, I was the only one working for the last 2 years of our relationship. Wanted to get married, yet he never came up with a ring. You get the picture.

 

He also developed a porn addiction, within 3 months of the relationship. I stayed thinking it would get better...but was denied sex on multiple occasions which lead to me finding out. It's funny looking back, because he shaped my future relationships. When I got with my husband, because of the stress of the porn addiction, I made that a deal breaker at the beginning. He said he wasn't into that, but sure enough he was, except the husband was waaaaay worse.

 

I always maintained a friendship with the ex, he's doing good now, don't know about the porn thing (maybe it was a phase) but he stopped gaming all together. And he was playing like 40+ hours a week in the past for over a year. Now he is fine without it, has a job in the federal government, and is doing really well for himself. I'm happy for him.

 

The former husband, well, only time will tell. I had to step away from the situation and who only knows what the future will unveil.

 

Point is, as a friend told me, people have to want change. You cannot force it or control it, be it as you try. You have to let them go, and hope that -that will inspire change. If it doesn't, they weren't worth your time anyway.

 

Move forward, if you don't, they won't.

[eidolon]

Thank you so much for responding. Just that means a lot to me, and thank you for your insight. I have a lot of issues with change, to be honest. I feel very left behind when people around me change, and I have quite a difficult time adjusting to it. I stopped talking to a friend for two years when she had ceased to be the girl I loved hanging out with.

 

Yes, I will definitely give him time. There is so much to him- so much that went away over time because of the gaming and the distance. I hate his addiction. It's not even that I want him to just spend time with me. I want him to get a job again so he can feel better about himself, because he has so much potential, and is one of the most intelligent and engaging people I have ever met (if not the most).

 

I'm foolishly in love, such that I'll claim I'm willing to wait until the end. I really am though. Even through this relationship that seems to be blossoming for him.

 

I asked for a transition to a friends with benefits type deal, which was gladly accepted (we're both still attracted to each other in that sense, though I don't know now, with the new girl), but I have been denied that. I mean, we used to watch porn together and it would be fun [and funny].

 

I really hope that one day I can be closer to him geographically- transferring universities, moving- and that that will allow us to rekindle the relationship that was once so perfect.

 

His interest in me seems so painfully absent when he's raiding and playing... I just don't want it to completely fade away. I don't want him to not be capable of love with me again.

 

I really hope your situation with your former husband brightens up. really, I do. Thank you so much for responding.

[eidolon]

Mm, just an addition, since I really don't have anyone to talk to right now. He called me back on skype after talking to the new girl, and then she called him back, and I have been on hold for over an hour.

 

I really feel like reminding him that "hello! I'm here!" but I don't want to minimize his game, or seem as needy as I am right now. He knows I'm clingy. He was reallllly clingy too. He loved that I was clingy! So, I don't know.

 

Ho hum.

[Country_Girl]

Don't put your life on hold, even though you have intentions of waiting, don't let him know that any further. If you remain friends, he will keep you as a backup plan, trust me. If not a backup plan, you will get put in the friend zone.

 

Most people on this forum will advise "No Contact" and I believe it's true, if you want to hold a candle to a future together. My ex bf, he is a stand up guy, and I am really happy he moved on & made the best of his life- but I never once thought about getting back together with him. It sucks, he is such a lucky catch, but he got put in the friend zone when we broke up, and I blame "contact" for that. Even though it was minimal, maybe once a month "hey how's it going"- I just started seeing him in a friend way. You will do the same, or he will do it to you.

 

I promise you, No contact is the way to go. As people say on here, drop off the face off the earth. Disappear- be it facebook, skype, phone, email, text. It will suck, you will be so tempted to contact, but trust me, the only other option is to remain a friend just waiting in the wings.

 

I didn't really think about it, till I spent days reading this forum, and everyone is so knowledgeable & it shines through. I tell you, before that long relationship, I had a bf for 1.5 years that I lived with. I made all the classic mistakes when he broke up with me: begged, pleaded, he called the cops on me, etc. Was bad, lol. He was so stubborn, figured he would never ever contact me again. It wasn't until I disappeared completely (no longer had mutual friends, didn't live around the same part of time) that he called me 9 months later to "check in". I think he was looking to reconcile, but at that time I had already moved on (even though I never thought I would, lost my virginity to him and all that, first love, what have you).

 

Trust me, people can change, with or with out you. But if you have contact, you will always be a friend, nothing more, and at most friends with benefits. Take my advice, disappear, don't contact him and let him wonder what you are up to.

 

That is my strategy with the former husband, and so far it's working. Yeah it hurts, sure it's hard not to send an email or text, but you can't heal if they are looming in the background. And then, only then, you will be able to ask yourself, is this what I really want?

 

You will find what you are looking for, have hope, good things come to those who wait :-)

[folieadeux]

I'm so sorry to see you're going through this right now. I really do believe you need to move on. I don't think doing the whole friends with benefits thing would work in your case because of your strong feelings and attachment to him. I think it's best to just go NC and not put your life on hold for this guy. After making the trip once, it seems like he realized he could not give you the type of relationship you wanted and that's why he decided to end things. It's better to know now than to drag things out needlessly for months/years. Being in an LDR requires a type of emotional and financial committment that some people just aren't able to swing. If he's not able to visit and communicate with you, then there's really no point.

[eidolon]

I don't think I'd be friend-zoned, or at least I hope not. I'm really unsure about the no contact thing. His other ex (granted, their relationship ended on different terms etc.) didn't contact him for 9 months and he hates her now.

He told me just minutes ago that he's really glad that I still talk to him...

I really don't want him to take it horribly if I stop talking to him- and quite obviously a lot of me saying this is my reluctance to stop talking to him.

Just knowing that if I was closer to him things would have worked out is a major bummer. I really feel like it's an issue that can be remedied with time that I really wish he was willing to give.

 

With the contact stuff, I don't really ever talk to him first. He'll IM me to see if I am awake, and we'll get on skype, and it'll be left on as we go about our business. I'm afraid of ignoring him. It's not as if he wouldn't try to contact me immediately, so I don't want him to think I'm ignoring him. He would hurt so badly :\ I mean, he'll still call me before he goes to bed and leave the phone on as he falls asleep...

 

He says he wants to best for me in life and all of that, and I hate it. He asked me earlier today why I don't talk to guys. He then said he wouldn't start talking to girls until I started talking to guys. I mean, it's not so much a guilting me thing, but why say that?

 

Oh! and he wasn't talking to the other girl. For sure.

 

As for other info, he's not against seeing me, and he'd completely be up for it whenever. Perhaps in the summer, maybe spring, February.

 

@folieadeux

Thank you for your opinion! As far as moving on goes, I can see myself not getting all teary and sad about it in the future, but I don't really want to relinquish my feelings without giving it another shot. I am a foooooool. Sigh.

 

It's not so much a communication issue- we're great with that. It's the distance (+ money, + times/length we can see each other), and his being really unsure about where he's going with life. ...and the falling out of love that resulted haha.

 

-----

 

Also, his ever lasting libido is pretty much...dead? THIS I can blame on the game. Boo! Haha

[Els]

OP! The guy plays 100 hours of WoW a week. He is an addict. Nothing else matters. It doesn't matter if there's another girl or not. It doesn't matter whether you can relocate or not. It doesn't matter if he wants to get back together or not. Do you WANT to be with someone who does this?

 

I'm not speaking as a judgmental computer game-hater - I play WoW myself and achieved the top tier of content several times. But 100 hours a week? There is NO excuse for that, unless it happens to be his job, and even then it's iffy. Dammit, that's like 14 hours a day. How does he even sustain ANY other areas of his life? Doesn't he have to study or work??

[eidolon]

We both acknowledge that he's an addict. We joke about it, but it's an issue, still. He'll hang out with his best friend and all of that, but a lot of other times he'd much rather be playing.

 

He can sustain a job, he just doesn't have one now (he got lazy, but hell, before that he had AMAZING work ethic). His boss's father died and after that his work just kind of dwindled and died. Before that he was in the military, and was in the running for SOF, but then they find out about his issues with kidney stones in the past (specifically bilateral kidney stones) and he got an honorable discharge. So I mean, he CAN put effort into something when he wants to. Also, because of the kidney stones, he took a lot of time out of school. His other ex left him while he was in the hospital, and he went into the military. He goes back to school Jan. 10th, 2011. So currently, it is pretty much his life.

What annoys me is that all that potential is just sitting there. Oh JOY he has 5.72k achievement points. WASTED. EFFORT.

 

It makes me rage. Hard.

 

We've both acknowledged that if I was closer the WoW wouldn't be an issue. He's the really cuddly type and very clingy. But...the distance and the WoW kind of made that all fade away and his love die. Bloop.

 

Anyway, yeah. He wakes up, hygiene routine, food, calls me, WoW, food, WoW WoW WoW, sleep. Rinse and repeat. I wasn't kidding. This was a calculated average, haha.

 

Work, I don't know. School...soon.

 

He just went to bed because he ran out of stuff to do on WoW for the night.

 

But knowing him- the non-WoW-obsessed him- makes it worth it.

Edited December 30, 2010 by eidolon

[IfiKnewThen]

hi eidolin

 

i really feel for you. all i can say is maybe try temporarily to do something out of character. (something he won't recognize about you. example: if hes used to calling you before you go to sleep and your available all the time, be unavailable now. act busy. dont act down. let him call you and find you singing and if he asks whats up..say nothing, you just have this awesome song in your head. then put him on hold. then said you have to go.

 

in otherwords, if you dont want to cut it off completely, put him off more...be available other times...but seemingly less interested in him or "preoccupied". get him thinking. throw him off. i think hes taking you for granted. (big time)

 

dont ever make him be able to pinpoint what this new thing is thats up with you and your new disposition.

 

also, you dont you want to give him rocks he can throw at you like saying or thinking youre with another guy. because 1) you dont want to lose him when youre not really with another guy and 2) he can use that as an excuse to leave you. SO, you want keep him wondering but not be about to accuse you of anything. so still be nice to him.

 

 

then REALLY make time for YOU. and in that time. build yourself up. spend time with supportive friends and family ..or read when youre alone, watch upbeat shows.... remember all the time you were stronger.

 

 

usually i say 2 things to people. either try to get him back or ditch him. mostly i understand how you love someone and want them back...in fact i dont think i ever told anyone on here to ditch someone. i think a lot of relationships ARE worth fighting for. but in this case, i know you are afraid of the N/C thing and dont feel ready just yet so i would say go this way. but in the meantime please try to open your eyes and mind more...because your heart is leading...and it really sounds like he is talking you for granted.

 

this guy needs a real wake up call. set the standards for how you want him to treat you. now. tell him too that you know he doesnt love you anymore (based on what he told you) and that you still care but ..to give you a little time and you will catch up to him soon and be over him too ; )

 

i am not saying long distance relationship are for everyone. but they can be workable. but giving him the benefit of the doubt..maybe its not for him blah blah blah, etc. and maybe he just has a case of GIGS (grass is greener ) syndrom. (read homebrews post for what GIGS is depending on someones age)

 

but whatever is going on....he seems a bit self absorbed and like hes seriously taking you for granted. i am sorry if i said that more than once.

 

he really doesnt sound good enough for you. and i i hope and pray you get the strength soon to end it soon with him and find someone better. i know you CAN do it. but in the meantime......you can let him know youre not going to sit around waiting and that other things are getting your interest..(more than he is)...even if it were to read a book...or wash dishes. and let him know hes not the legend in his own mind that HE thinks he is.

[eidolon]

But he wants me to get over him! I don't want him to think "oh, okay, she's done, time to get back into the scene."

 

I was very sad the first week, but at this point I'm kind of settling into this talking-but-no-love thing. I'm so damn clingyyyyy.

 

I will definitely try to be >somewhat< less available, haha. I will no longer ask him to call (when he chooses not to), and when he does say he is going to, I'll tell him he doesn't have to or something or other. I tried babbling less today, actually. When we're on Skype he'll be playing WoW, so a lot of the time all I hear is clicking and key smashing (and occasionally some disconcerting breathing-- intense!), and I'll just say things to him. Just talk. He noticed today when I wasn't talking so much. That's a way to go, right?

 

I'm really bad at time for "me." I am near notorious for not hanging out with my friends much. I don't like leaving my house a lot...I tend to feel very alone and self concious "out there."

I don't like admitting to myself that he might have taken me for granted. I'm a wuss.

 

He has been in a long distance relationship ship before, a couple girlfriends ago, with someone from Illinois. That lasted three years, and the relationship ended because she was...kind of insane. The distance wasn't such a big deal because he did have the means to see her then, and when he visited he stayed with her for...2 months, I think it was. I really hate the effects of circumstance.

 

I don't know, I think he's too good for me a lot of the time. He is near dissturbingly intelligent, and talented at whatever he puts his mind to (he can play most string instruments, he's a great writer, etc.), and just...agh. It's a lot. A few days before he broke up with me, he told me I was too good for him etc. etc., but that was SO just him buttering me up.

 

He knows I still have intense feelings for him. I got drunk a few nights ago and called him, and we talked. I was really uh..honest, and I asked him if it bothered him that I still feel the way I do, and he said no. I asked him if I he wants me to stop, and he said he didn't want me to. I don't know how to feel about that. It kind of reassures me in knowing that given a second chance under different circumstances, it could work.

 

So, thank you, too, for your advice. Just posting here makes me feel a lot better in general, and having people reply with advice is even more of a help. I'll try to distance myself (slowly, remember, I'm a wuss, haha), and not seem so hung up on him.

 

It's funny that you should say he thinks he's a legend, because I'm the one who aways gives him loads of encouragement and tells him he's some kind of savant, haha. He can be a legend in WoW, but eh, we'll see.

Edited December 30, 2010 by eidolon
Horrible late night grammar

[IfiKnewThen]

you know what? you sound a lot like me. as i was reading a few of your posts i thought..omg that sounds like me. i am a lot older than you though , i am certain of it.

 

 

i am about to get out of town for a few days to visit with family. but i just want to say...go with your instincts on this one. i think you had a point when you said....he wants me to move on.

 

that rang VERY familiar with me also. and thinking back...i think i lead him to believe i did move on when i still didnt .

 

 

 

so..all i can say is the gaming thing is bad. you really can get addicted. i knew someone like that once....and i gamed a lot (believe it or not). a game very similar to WoW. in fact i remember when everyone lft the game i played to go to WoW. and i only got into gaming because I have a disability...thought it would be good. well i dont play now.....time and money and lack of friends who play anymore. but i do remember the addiction. and be careful b/c he can meet someone on the game. it has chat access etc. and you get caught up in the bonding of gaming.

 

 

anyway i wish you well i have to get ready to go. have a good ...better new year. you will be in my thoughts and prayers. i know you can get past this and live a happier richer life. even if its with another LDR, online, since you dont like getting out with friends much. best of luck to you

[eidolon]

I hope you have a great time with your family with New Years and all! Try to get your mind off things a little

 

It's not my instincts...he told me the night he broke up with me that I should start talking to guys, and he always says things about wanting me to be happy etc....but that night I got drunk he said he didn't want me to stop, and that it was perfectly alright if I didn't get over him. I don't know, I just think about the past, and what the future could be like (WOULD be like...) and I think, man, this pain right now? Worth it. It's nothing compared to the love we had. He had. I have.

 

I try not to blame the game. I used to play Runecape (hahaha....yeah) and I was at this point where I would wake up and play until I passed out in front of the computer. Chopping virtual wood. I know it's addicting. I stopped cold turkey a couple times. I never moved on to WoW (even though I wanted to) because I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself, and I didn't want to waste what precious youth I have left on that game.

I know a couple people who play WoW therapeutically, actually. There's this mute guy he has been talking to in his guild, and for him it's a way to...not be mute. I see the good in the game. I know it's fun on top of it.

But yeah...distance more than the game. His starting to play the game, though, a game I couldn't pull him away from, allowed the distance to extend beyond something real. It created an extra thousand miles virtually. That just made it easier to let me get pushed out of his heart.

 

He needs a serious f******* priority check. That was mean. I don't mean that.

 

Thank you for thinking of me. It means so much! I read your posts from your threads, and I'm so terribly sorry about what happened. I'm here for you! I wish you the best for the New Year! I'm not religious, but I believe in the power of faith, and I really hope that can be part of what gets you through, and that your strength shines through along with it. I'm horribly inarticulate, but i hope you understand my meaning. Best wishes and many hugs

[eidolon]

He called me this morning to tell me he was getting a haircut, and to say he just wanted to see how I was doing etc...texted me a picture of the results (which doesn't say anything).

He hasn't called me yet on Skype, which is odd. I'm trying really hard not to initiate contact, I'm getting kinda jittery over it.

 

I hate it right now, because part of me is going creepy. I realized I have his email info. Not going to look not going to look ahhhhh.

I mean, if I confirm that he's got a specific girl he's been talking to, what will I get out of it?

Actually, a confirmation would be nice. I really don't believe that "I'm not going to talk to girls until you start talking to guys" thing.

But no, no checking. She's going to end up being prettier than me and I'm going to hate myself xD

----

...oh my god. I am an insane person. I am a crazy stalker lady. I can't believe I considered it. Not going to check aghhh. Please tell me that was slightly normal.

----

typing so I don't contact him. typing so I don't contact him. I'm really wondering why he hasn't called on skype today. not because I'm all omg I want him to call (though i do), but because it's strange.

Edited December 30, 2010 by eidolon

[eidolon]

I'm sorry I update this so much but it has become my little vent thing. :\

So I caved. I got a call from a friend who basically convinced me it's rational to be irrational when you're...feeling irrational...and I checked the e-mail. Yeah, there's a girl. He sent her his haircut right after he sent it to me. She's been sending him tame pictures of herself for a bit now. There are some dirty ones from other girls/to other girls from Nov. 20th-ish (it was at that point he was falling out of love with me...).

Anyway, she's really, really, really beautiful. I'm sure it's the girl he told me was "devastatingly pretty," and who asked about what he liked other than her face.

I feel very bad for checking, but also somewhat satisfied.

Also hurt that he said he wouldn't talk to other girls, but is. Not that I should have believed him.

I'm very insecure now. :\ GOD she's gorgeous.

Anyway, I'm going to be mean and hope she lives very very far away

 

He messaged me on skype after 6pm. Headphones are broken- his puppy chewed through the cord. I got on Starcraft 2 so we could talk while he played WoW. It was an okay talk. I talked more than I should have- he was in instances. He doesn't seem very involved in any of our conversations.

It hurts a LOT because on skype I'd hear him type-type-typing away, and laughing with his guild members.

 

Still hoping I'm not friend-zoned. Still going to visit him in 2011 (if nothing develops between the two of them...). I can't sleep. Anyway. Sorry for turning this stupid thread into my diary of sorts.

 

I just want to know if I might have a chance in the future, more than anything.

[IfiKnewThen]

oh eidonlon i want to say happy new year but i know the transition has not been happy for you .

 

i am sorry you are going through all of this right now. but this IS temporary. YOu will get through this. i have faith in you.

 

remember beauty does NOT equal chemistry or make a person RIGHT for another. dont worry about her or make yourself sick. i know its easier said than done. but it can be done. believe that you are a TOTAL package. set higher standards for yourself. find someone to love you and show you love.

 

he seriously has to get rid of his WoW addiction. it would be great if there were another game you could play together even if it were yahoo's literati.

 

the good thing is theres always a NEW game out there and gamers start to leave the current fad game eventually, and also leave their current guild members behind. so hopefully soon he wont have his regulars to play with. and then maybe he will quit the game. but the game isnt his only distraction . you have the girls..the game OMG. this guy is NOT giving you what you deserve.

 

maybe he wont be able to afford to play soon. that is what HE deserves. and he needs to get a JOB seriously this gaming stuff ..virtual reality gets played out. hes needs a real dose of reality.

 

anyway, for you and your needs he sounds like a self absorbed preoccupied loser, i know you can do better girl !~!

 

i can only offer you support and hugs right now. get stronger and get away from him. maybe that will snap him out of it.

 

dont ever wait to live.........."live" while you wait (if you must wait). me

[eidolon]

Thank you, I hope you had a happy New Year! Mine wasn't too horrible, as I was a little distracted by young children and coursework. Thank you for being so supportive

 

I understand that it doesn't, but I feel like it will only make him fall for her more easily. It's easier to get over her than him. I really don't blame her for liking him. I can't hate her, only be jealous. Jealousy is easy to get rid of (at least now it is). There's so much to him. I will admit that even though I'm not afraid of finding someone else (and don't want to), I'm afraid that it will be hard to find someone at a higher standard. I am also afraid that I will compare everyone I meet to him, and spend a lot of time trying to find another him.

 

He didn't seem to play WoW that much today. I went on SC2, and his Real ID showed that he hadn't been on for 4 hours. I guess he has just been talking to friends and doing stuff online with people... Of course he isn't giving me what I deserve- he is no longer dating me. He said he won't friendzone me. I don't wholly believe it, but I'm going to.

 

Yeah, he had about $200ish last in his bank account. He'll be playing for a while. Even then, I guess he might get a job when he goes back to school? I hope so. It would be good for him. He really needs to pull himself together. He wasn't a loser before, and I know that minus the WoW he wouldn't be...It just makes me sad.

 

As far as NC goes, it's becoming an easier thing to think about for me. It hurts to talk to him so much. Even with SC2 and Real ID making it easier for him to talk to me, he puts nothing into the conversation. He will always be the one to contact me first, but it goes nowhere from there. He called me to wish me a Happy New Years, and he used his sweet voice from when we were dating. It hurt a lot. He wouldn't stay on the phone with me while I did my work. When we talk, much of it (I won't call it a conversation...) is him going "dunno lol" "sorry lol" "okay lol." I mean what the hell? He's a well read and intelligent person. When we used to talk before I would be overwhelmed by the depth and content of what he said. Now it has turned into this. That makes it easier to not contact him.

 

Thank you, again. I really appreciate your responses. Hugs for you too! Hugs are always nice I hope you have a great 2011.

[BoyInAVikingHelmet]

I know exactly what you're going through. Because I was in your exact situation, but on the opposite end. I met and fell in love with a girl over the internet (I'm from NY and she's from Portland) and we would skype and do the whole nine yards. But it wasn't enough for me. It hurt me too bad that we were so far apart. I'm a romantic idealist, and I have this absurd notion of love and I felt my love for her was being suffocated by the distance. It really got to me after a while that we couldn't share memories like a real couple (I would see joyful couples in parks and in the mall and it cut me deeply) so I started to become distant and hope that my feelings for her would change. I even told her that I couldn't talk to her like I did before cause I got too attached. We didn't talk for almost three weeks after I initiated that we cool it off. It hurt so bad, and I know it hurt her too cause she would text me in the middle of the night to plead that we work it out, but I had made up my mind.

 

Any way what ended up happening was that I was miserable without her. This added by the fact that I don't have too many people in my life that I can confide in fully. I thought that if enough time went by then so would my feelings for her. But they only grew stronger. I eventually came around and told her that I may have made a mistake, though it was too late because I hurt her and she moved on to people around her. We still talk now and then, but it's not like it used to be. I miss her. I often wish I had never come across her. Nobody ever touched my soul like her, no one ever made me feel like they really cared about me, and no one ever got me completely like her. I ****ed up and I'm still torn about it. So I empathize with what you're going through, but perhaps your ex might have felt that the physical distance was overwhelming for him too and he couldn't do it any longer. Just some insight.

[eidolon]

I got so scared for a second, because I saw your name and the join date, and I was worried he found my posts. Oh jeez, Scandinavians.

 

I'm really sorry about what happened. The sort of things that bothered you bothered me too. Seeing my friends in their relationships and all. I didn't resent them or anything, and I was happy for them, but it did hurt seeing them being affectionate.

 

I really wish I could believe he felt or feels the same as you do. Before we started going out, I was with someone else. He wanted to be with me badly, but he'd hold back on flirting until he couldn't take it. We started acting couply, and then there were nights he would call and break down. Once, he was reduced to tears and was pleading- a last hope situation. I was stupid, and I was attached to something that wasn't there (in terms of the boyfriend at the time). A couple times, he tried to forget me. He would compartmentalize his emotions (something he's good at) and try to stop talking to me. All the times he tried before, he couldn't do it. We ended up talking again.

 

I don't believe that if he did have feelings for me that he would be able to hide them so easily. I believe they can come back, but I know they're gone...

 

Thank you for responding, anyway. Your situation really touched me, and I understand everything about how she made you feel.

[BoyInAVikingHelmet]

Haha no, the username is the first thought that came to my head but I always lurk this forum. I have been for the last two months and it's helped me a lot to read some of the threads on here; a misery loves company sort of thing. But I felt motivated to reply to your thread because yours seemed somewhat in junction with my plight.

 

 

I did the whole NC, which I thought would be easier considering we don't have to bump into each other. It hasn't made it easier because I still yearn for her. It's funny, I did NC once before with an ex and I got over it in three months, but I can't seem to get over someone I met only three times and mostly corresponded through skype and gtalk. It's frustrating knowing that the people you have the most commonalities with and someone who makes you feel like no other isn't in your proximity. And you're "forced" to have to be in half hearted relationships with people around you because it's all you can have regardless if there's someone else out there. I think about this stuff a lot now.

 

What are you planning on doing with him? Are you going to go NC? Try to stick it out and hope that his feelings go back to the way they were for you? I'd go with the latter considering it's only been a week and a half. I came around eventually, but it backfired on me because I gave her enough time to move on and realize that perhaps I was right.

 

If I were you I'd become distant to him for a while then perhaps he might come around and realize what he's missing.

[eidolon]

I was distant two weeks before he broke up with me in hopes that he'd realize "oh no, I'm losing her!", but as he said, he didn't care as much as he should have. I don't contact him first now. He can't use Skype now, so we don't talk like that anymore, and I don't think he'll be talking to me when he gets new ones...

It's easier to not talk to him right now, especially since he doesn't put anything into conversations or seem to care.

 

I don't know about ignoring him or going full NC. I don't think he cares...

I'm pretty sure I'm going to find a chance to visit him sometime in the spring or summer, because he'd be okay with that, and maybe it might help. I'm just afraid he'll fall for someone in that time...

So yeah, I guess sticking it out and putting in effort when I can afford to see him with some kind of regularity, or be closer to him. I'm really dedicated to trying to make this work, it's just really scary knowing how little I seem to mean to him right now...

[IfiKnewThen]

i went thru that. where he chanced and i wasnt in tocuh and he didnt seem to care. my is a different story tho. different ages...etc. and he was in my life for 10 years.

 

but it is a balancing act b/c they can move on while youre waiting. thats why you have to live while you wait. dont wait to live in the meantime. good luck and God bless you. i will be rooting for you

[eidolon]

Are you doing alright? Your typing is a lot different. I hope you're okay.

 

Thank you for the kind words and wisdom. I really don't want him to forget me. I feel like he's already 100% moved on. Hope is had, though. It'll dwindle sometimes, but it's always there.

 

"The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.

But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now

mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater."

— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Lord of the Rings)