My LDR love has ADD

[Arabella]

I am currently involved in a LDR with an incredible, sweet, caring guy whom I've truly come to love. For background, I'll explain how things started for us and work my way to today.

 

We have known each other since early in the year, and I think we both knew we liked each other shortly after that but never really spoke about it because we were both involved with different people. So, even though we were aware of this, we remained platonic friends.

 

For a few months, we kept in touch even though we didn't really get to do much together. He would be in regular contact through texts, and would always make sure I knew that he was still interested in getting together to do something, even if only virtually (gaming is a hobby we both share). However, when we would make plans (usually at his insistence)... something would always come up... sometimes legitimate, sometimes not so much, that would cause him not to show up. Or, in the times that he did show up, he would suddenly have to leave.

 

One day, when I was very upset with him because he had done this twice in a row, we argued and I spat at him something to the effect of "I just can't believe you keep doing this, it's like you have ADD or something". Much to my surprise... he informed me that he did, in fact, have ADD. I felt terrible because it was a very inconsiderate comment on my part, and even more so because it turned out to be true. I immediately apologized and we never spoke of it again.

 

Weeks went by and his inconsistent behavior continued. This caused me to think he simply had no interest in being friends and I pointed out to him the way this situation was making me feel. He seemed deeply affected by my words and the possibility of losing my friendship as a result, and said he would change. However, this never actually happened and one day, after he failed to show up for the umpteenth time and tried to give me yet another reason, I told him I'd had enough and to not contact me again.

 

This was very difficult for me to do because I really cared for the guy, but I was determined. He was immediately very upset and concerned and again, asked for one more chance to prove that he truly did care and wanted to be my friend. I was skeptical at best, but much to my surprise... he did it. He turned himself around and finally we were able to spend time together and get to know each other better. I was amazed, because even though I had liked him before for what little I could see of the real him, he turned out to be so much more.

 

At this point, things developed very quickly between us. We began talking on the phone for hours at a time, often the entire night... and we became very close. Partly, because we were (still are) both dealing with the failure of our prior relationships and we supported each other through that. Then, as days went by, we found that we had many things in common and clicked really well.

 

In a matter of weeks, we fell in love, and we know we want to be together. On that note... we both have been in relationships that started on the Internet and progressed into real relationships. We're not deluded... we know what we're going into. But, we can't meet and be together right now due to our current situations, so we have to endure this for a few months.

 

Over the past week, things have gotten bad again in terms of consistency and I'm at a loss. When we talk, I can tell that he's sincere, and he truly longs for my company. Sometimes, he calls me just to hear my voice because he misses me, and we text back and forth throughout the day just to tide us over until the evening when he gets home from work and we can talk.

 

He works full time and is also taking some college summer course, so I know he's very busy, and often tired even when he says he isn't. He doesn't ever seem capable of telling me when he's going to call and actually stick with it. Even if he does call, 20 minutes later he realizes he's forgotten to do something he should've done before calling me (like...eating, or showering after work) and he goes off and does it. Sometimes, he finally manages to settle down for the evening and we talk the whole night. I know he loves doing that, because he tells me as much and constantly asks me to do so. Other times, he falls asleep during the span of time it takes me to receive his text saying "Can I call you now?" and me responding "Sure, whenever you're ready". That's like, 30 seconds.

 

Now let me say this. I'm a very perceptive person, and I know him well, which is why I'm so confused. I believe everything he says, I can tell the way he feels is genuine and that he truly means it - all of it. I have always been a facts before words kind of person, and if it were anyone else... I would have ended things by now.

 

Here is the reason why I haven't. Tonight, after he fell asleep on me yet again when we were supposed to be talking, I started thinking and remembered the ADD thing. I looked up the symptoms and it fits his behavior perfectly. He has never brought it up or used it as an excuse, so we have never discussed it. Now, I can't help but think that there may actually be a medical reason for the way he behaves. This would make sense because, like I said, every other thing he says or does tells me that he's genuine and committed to seeing us through.

 

So, if you're still reading after all this... here's the crux at last. What do I do about it? I genuinely love him, and I can see a future with him once we get to meet, but this is killing our relationship before we even get a chance to see it realized. I plan on talking to him about his condition tomorrow, but how do I cope with the situation? LDRs are difficult enough as is, and I can tell this is putting a great deal of strain on us. Does anyone have any experience dealing with adults who have ADD? What can I do to make things easier for both of us?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

 

Arabella

[Lucky_One]

I only have a sec, but I find this odd because most people who are diagnosed with a disorder call it by its correct name - ADHD. I'm surprised that he calls it ADD at all.

 

I've never heard of standing people up for meetings as being a sympton in the DSM-IV, nor of falling asleep in the midst of a conversation.

[Lucky_One]

Am back for a second more, and just realized - you have never met this guy in person?

 

I think you are grasping for some sort of straw (ADHD) to give a reason to your BF's treating you badly. Guys (even guys with ADHD) spend as much time as they can with a woman that they love; they just don't "forget" to go online and do whatever with her.

[Rollercoasterr]

This sounds a bit more than fishy. Like Lucky_One said, I have never head of a person actually calling it ADD. People who have it are very well educated about it and wouldn't do that.

 

I've also never seen a person with ADHD just stand people up. They have a hard time concentrating, but they don't have the memory of a fish.

 

Just keep that in mind when you're falling deeper in love with him and making excuses for his behavior and how he wouldn't lie to you. That's what most people are doing these days anyway.

[Island Girl]

Bottom line is you are making excuses for him.

 

You say you know he genuinely cares. But he falls asleep in 30 seconds waiting for the okay to call you?!

No go sweetheart.

I am sorry to tell you this is utter complete crap.

The only medical excuse he'd have is narcolepsy. And he isn't suffering from that.

 

He makes it to work on time and hasn't been fired for not doing his job.

 

He makes it to class and hasn't failed out due to falling asleep in class or not doing his work.

 

A relationship takes effort and he should be committing to it just as much as he commits to work, school, or whatever else.

 

If he says something -- he does it.

THAT is the standard.

 

You said you ended it and he came back to you and IT CHANGED. He DID do what he said he was going to do.

Ahh HA!! So he IS capable of doing it!!

He just slacks off and because you accept it (because of love and commitment, etc.) then he will continue to do it.

 

He has no valid excuse for it. And you know this.

So you are reaching and trying to come up with some excuse for him.

 

There is NO EXCUSE.

 

HE is treating you terribly and you are just taking it and staying anyway.

 

I would find it very difficult to stay in such a relationship (I demand to be treated at a certain standard or it is over) let alone speaking to a man that treated me this way about being committed to him for MY LIFETIME.

 

He can't even commit to having a conversation at a given time! Yet you are discussing committing to a lifetime together.

 

You treat people how to treat you. He has learned he can treat you this way. You have in every sense let him know you'll accept it and deal with it.

 

I wouldn't.

 

It is disrespectful and thoughtless. I don't allow people to treat me in disrespectful thoughtless ways.

 

My husband is my king. I adore him, he is my first priority, and will be with him forever. But he also treats me like a queen and nothing is more important than I.

If either of these things changed there would be a serious conversation.

And if the party who is being disrespectful and thoughtless did not rectify that the wounded party would end the relationship.

 

I think you know what you need to do. You just don't want to do it because you want so much for this relationship to work.

But he has to want that as much as you do.

And right now he has shuffled the deck and you aren't at the top of the list as far as what he MUST take care of.

[Bearandsue]

Let me just say that my husband has ADHD. Yes he forgets to do things sometimes because he gets distracted and totally absorbed in another thing. But he always makes time for me.

 

If he is not out camping or fishing we, we talk every single day. He spends a lot of time with me and is very considerate of my feelings.

 

The only effect that ADHD has on our relationship is that he gets distracted easily. Like we could be talking and then he just gets lost in youtube or something. But when it comes to important stuff I have his full attention.

 

Maybe you guys need to talk about it more and find genuine solutions to this problem.

 

I think ADHD is no excuse for the way he treats you. Demand better!

[Arabella]

Let me clarify a few things though because I feel I may have misrepresented the situation and made it sound worse than it really is

 

First off, he never used the term ADD, I did. English is actually not my first (nor second...) language, and I am probably not as aware of the proper terminology when it comes to this sort of thing as I should be. I stand corrected now though I believe that he was just being polite and did not want to correct me. Either way, I have no reason to believe he would lie about this because he has never used it as an excuse to get away with this behavior or even mentioned it as a reason. That was just my own speculation.

 

Second, he is 21 and lives with his parents right now. He used to live by himself as he began attending college, but his parents moved and he chose to move with them to help them get settled. He intends on moving back to my side of the country next semester, but until that happens, he's stuck at home. As I understand it, his parents tend to argue a lot, and he gets dragged into it with one reason or another often enough. This is one of the reasons why he fails to call when he says he will.

 

Lastly, it's not like he ever forgets about me. He randomly calls me throughout the day (almost every day) just to tell me about some funny thing that happened, or because he missed my voice, and we exchange 30-50 texts every day. Never goes more than 12h without hearing from him. I don't feel abandoned at all. However, it's the lack of consistency that is an issue because even though he's clearly interested, it's difficult to have a meaningful conversation when he's in the line at the bank, or driving on his way to class. Plus, when I set time aside for him when he asks and he ends up not calling, I feel that I could have spent that time doing something more productive if only he had let me know. It doesn't help that I'm extremely anal about managing my time and I can't stand feeling like it's being wasted.

 

So, in short, the main issue is not lack of contact, it's a matter of poor time management skills, and the fact that he gets sidetracked doing a myriad of things when he's supposed to be calling me because he said he would. From what I can tell, it's not an issue exclusive to me. He has the same problem with his coursework sometimes, which is why he didn't do so great in college last semester, even though he's absolutely brilliant. He simply failed to complete the work and turn it in when he was supposed to.

 

I am fully aware that this sounds like I'm making excuses for him, but honestly I don't know at this point. I am still giving him the benefit of the doubt, because when he realizes how much he's upset me with this behavior, he is very concerned and I can see that it truly bothers him. Recently, when we talked about this issue, he was in the verge of tears as we talked and told me he couldn't stand seeing me upset over something he'd done. Mind you, this is the only thing I've ever gotten upset over. He is aware that it's a very big deal to me, and I can tell it genuinely concerns him that one day I'm going to put my foot down and say I've had enough again. Yet, he doesn't seem to be able to help himself sometimes. This is why I think that ADHD may be one of the underlying causes and I seek to understand and perhaps learn how to better deal with it to make things more bareable for both of us.

 

I hope this clarifies the situation a bit better, and I appreciate all the responses so far!

 

Arabella

[Island Girl]

it's difficult to have a meaningful conversation when he's in the line at the bank, or driving on his way to class.

 

Yes. That would be difficult.

 

Plus, when I set time aside for him when he asks and he ends up not calling, I feel that I could have spent that time doing something more productive if only he had let me know.

 

It is inconsiderate and thoughtless.

 

The fact that it keeps happening is just ridiculous.

 

IF he did get roped into something it wouldn't take but a few seconds to send a text that he can't call.

 

He is aware that it's a very big deal to me, and I can tell it genuinely concerns him that one day I'm going to put my foot down and say I've had enough again. Yet, he doesn't seem to be able to help himself sometimes.

 

He could if he made it a priority and followed through.

 

He doesn't.

 

The only way you are going to better deal with this is completely discount how you feel.

Lower your expectations of how you should be treated.

And prepare for a life where things aren't followed through on.

Trouble with jobs and money.

Irresponsibility on his part in a multitude of situations that will arise in your partnership.

And if you have children then expect that they'll mimic his behavior because they'll see what he gets away with.

 

I am sorry to be so bleak about it but you are accepting of this and it permeates your relationship and has caused him trouble personally.

It is something that needs to change not just for your relationship but for his life to be better. He is the only one who can change it. But he has to want to. Apparently as important as it is -- it isn't THAT important to him.

[gracielou]

There are a bunch of great books written by Dr. Hallowell, who has ADHD himself. I've read one and I gave it to my boyfriend... who then said to me that the book perfectly described him. In his book driven to distraction there is a chapter on relationships and working through the difficulties that happen in a relationship when one person had ADHD.

[Storyrider]

ADD is attention deficit disorder without the hyperactivity dimension. You don't have to be hyperactive to have attention deficit.

 

I have no advice for the OP, just trying to provide some clarity on the above.

[Lucky_One]

The term ADD has expired. The terms are ADHD, predominately hyperactive-impulsive type, or ADHD predominately inattentive type or ADHD combined type.

[Storyrider]

The term ADD has expired. The terms are ADHD, predominately hyperactive-impulsive type, or ADHD predominately inattentive type or ADHD combined type.

Can you explain why the H would remain part of the acronym if it stands for hyperactivity?

[Lucky_One]

I wish I could! I truly have no idea - I just know what the DSM states and what the American Psych Assoc. uses. ADD isn't used anymore for diagnoses, since 1994 or so, when the 4th edition of the DSM came out.

[Storyrider]

I wish I could! I truly have no idea - I just know what the DSM states and what the American Psych Assoc. uses. ADD isn't used anymore for diagnoses, since 1994 or so, when the 4th edition of the DSM came out.

Fair enough.

[vanilla87]

Alright after reading ever post here for this thread, it has become clear to me that no one has ADD or as some are trying to label it ADHD. You can only have ADHD if you have hyperactivity on a regular basis, have big mood swings, are impulsive 24/7, and tend to have problem interacting with other people in a normal manner.

 

I have ADHD, but believe to see that I'm more of an ADD type of person. I don't get hype active nor do I get distracted as easily. I tend to not be as interruptive in conversations and also have good patience. There is still the technical term used in the medical field ADD. I know this because I work in the medical field.

 

Anyway, does your boyfriend take any medication for his condition? If not, then he should look into that as an option into helping him deal with what he has a little better. I current take Adderall XR, which helps me focus 10x's more for school, driving, and any other kinds of interactions I come across during the day. Its also one of the most addictive drugs if used wrong.

 

So from what I've noticed is that he really does have poor time management skills in relationships, but not in life. That can happen if you do have ADD/ADHD. Sometimes I get so distracted with my work that I forget about everyone else in my life or even what's important that day. It all depends on before he met you what was his number one goal in life.

 

But if he does love you, like head over heels in love, he should be able to take time to make an extra effort. You just have to remind him in simple ways. Don't ever demand it with someone that has ADD/ADHD, we kind of feel forced then almost like your a drill sergent in the military telling us to do 20 push ups or if we don't we have to go peel potatos.

 

You have to EXTRA patience with someone that has this condition, because we forget Its not our faults, really its not. We actually have this thing in our brains where its wired differently, so thats why we learned differently in school or in life. It can also be the reason why we show love differently or don't understand why you NEED us to love you a certain way.

 

The best way, to get anyone with ADD/ADHD to understand what you need is to SHOW us how. Don't just explain it in a worded format by talking to us, you need to PHYSICALLY take the time to show it.

 

For instance, would you explain by word of mouth how to put together a shelf? no, It comes with directions, it shows you how to put it together. Same thing goes whenever we don't understand something, show us, don't just talk to us about it or we might be lost.

 

If you have any questions about him and his ADD/ADHD, just ask me, I'll be more then glad to help you understand his behavior a little better...

[Arabella]

Well, since I wrote my original post there have been some new developments that I have been trying to make sense out of.

 

After my last post, we ended up discussing the subject of his condition and I asked him whether he was on any medication for it. He responded that he was, but hadn't taken it for about a week at that point, which is around the time that things started to get bad again. He also added that this was not a normal occurrence and he is usually very regular about it, and that he was going to be taking it again. He did, and things got better... at least for a few days.

 

This past Sunday we spent all night talking like we're used to doing. Come Monday, for some reason, he would not text me like he normally does. I assumed he was just very busy at work, so I didn't give it much of a second thought, but that night he failed to call me when he said he would, saying he was just too tired. I said goodnight and left it at that, although I could feel something was amiss.

 

Tuesday rolled around and pretty much the same continued, except in the evening he actually asked to call me at a certain time and when I texted him at the arranged time asking if it was still his intent, he said he'd be half an hour more. I said alright and waited. Half an hour later, still no call, so I called him. Turns out he had gotten sidetracked at his friend's house after work. I was very upset by that point and I decided I wasn't going to stand for it. I told him I couldn't let him treat me like this and that I was done. He immediately became very upset and begged me for a few days to pull himself together. I wasn't sure what he was talking about, and he could tell I was clearly angry and very exhausted of the whole situation, so he finally told me what was going on.

 

He not only has ADHD (he actually refers to it in this manner, not ADD), but also Bipolar Disorder, for which he has gone unmedicated for some time. I was shocked, and asked why he hadn't told me before. He said he was afraid I would leave him if I knew. Then he explained he was going through a depressive episode, and he wasn't in any condition to talk which was why he had been avoiding much contact with me. We hung up after a few minutes, in uncertain terms, and agreed to talk when he felt better.

 

Following day, Wednesday, was very similar to the other two. No texting and what little he said was very distant and unlike himself, but still managed to keep apologizing for treating me so poorly, saying he loved me. At night, we talked for a couple of hours, although he was still very clearly withdrawn and unable to really focus on much of what we were talking about. He explained this usually happens every couple of weeks and the episodes last from 3 to 5 days. I had noticed his occasional disappearances during the time we were just friends, but I never made it my business to question him about it.

 

It was actually very surprising to me because this is an incredibly upbeat, extroverted person. He is just naturally a bit hyper, which honestly, works for me because I am the same way in that regard. Seeing him so withdrawn, moody and distant was very strange for me. Felt so powerless... wanting to help him somehow but not truly knowing what to do. I tried talking to him about a few things in regards to making plans for the future (thinking it might cheer him up because it usually does) and it backfired terribly. He seemed simply unable to be interested, or focus on the discussion, so eventually I dropped it. I could tell he was barely functioning.

 

Last night, Friday, we talked for a little bit before he went to bed and he seemed in a much better mood, but still not fully himself. We are supposed to be talking later this afternoon although I've already explained how these things go with him, so we will see if it happens or not. Either way, it's the first opportunity I get to speak to him now that he seems to have gotten past these rough few days, so I'll make sure to ask questions and figure out the specifics of the situation.

 

Vanilla87, I really appreciate your post. It is very helpful to hear from someone who actually has ADD how you see things, what helps and what doesn't.

 

Clearly, things have complicated a bit since my last post so just thought I'd update the thread and see if anyone else has any comments to add.

 

Thanks everyone!

 

Arabella

[vanilla87]

I have a friend who is ADD who is also Bi-Polar too. He hasn't been on medication in years and then he went through this huge breakdown and went back on some medication.

 

People with the two mixed together are like a ticking time bomb. One minute they can be happy as the sun, then literally 5 minutes later they can be mad about something that seems small to everyone else but a huge deal to him.

 

My mother has ADD and Bi-Polar and I've been use to it since I was a baby. She is very chaotic when she isn't on her medication. She takes things out of proportion or jumps to conclusions. You have to be very patient with people that have this for they are hard to deal with.

 

From personal experience, I'd say they are a little prideful more then most people. Not in a bad way, but more so when it comes to their work. They are the types to be hard workers, because they feel the need to prove that the are normal like the rest of us, so they do everything twice as hard then they should.

 

I know that my friend is out going, charming, and one heck of a jokester, but when he has his moments, he is down right serious, I guess you can say a "wet blank" of a personality kind of kicks in. I'm then always trying to cheer him up, trying to make jokes, and be the out going one so he can forget why he is having a sad moment.

 

Avoid having alcohol around these types if you can, because it makes them either very impulsive around the people they like or it can make them very emotional too. Depends on the person, but more so then most they get impulsive or drink way too much, almost binge drinking.

 

He probably was around his friends because he was trying to avoid feeling down. He wanted to be happy so that his episodes wouldn't affect you more then you realize.

 

Since he is on medication and forgot to take it, there might be personal reasons. I know with mine that the next day I get headaches and the day that I take it my mouth gets extra dry, there is a funny taste left behind, it has an appetite suppressant, and it doesn't let me sleep, so if i take it around noon, I'll be up till 5am, cause it works for 10-15 hrs. His probably makes him feel funny when he is off it or it could give him headaches if he doesn't take it, so he goes for days without, so he doesn't get the headaches. I hope that last sentence made sense.

 

Anyway, when I get distracted, it usually is something that is peaking my interest at that moment, because for people without ADD, they can remember to do that later or after they finish the conversation. For us with ADD, we won't, maybe we will, but more so only if we either A) see it again or B) we remember anywhere from 5 hours to a week later, thats why we usually just do it right then and there so we DON'T forget to do it haha.

 

I can say that we are the type of people that are the most procrastinating people you will ever meet. Without the medication, I tend to put off everything till the last minute or worst never do it period. With it I put it off maybe for a minute or the longest I ever did was an hour. I usually try to get on whatever needs to get done right away. But with out the medication I've always notice that I remember it, but then I forget and they remember again, but then think about it and realize I don't really have the energy to do it sometimes so I put it off and then if there is time I may still do it, but usually I won't.

 

Don't get me wrong, he sounds like a wonderful guy, really, but without that medication, he is going to be always forgetful, late, procrastinate, and argumentative. So next time you think he is forgetting, he probably is distracted or not on his medication. Also give him a break when he has an episode from his bi-polar, because if he isn't seeing someone for that, then he needs the space to get his act together so he is the guy you originally feel for in the first place. He just doesn't want you to see him in his most intense state, thats all.