"I love you, but I just don't know what I want."

[RavinHarpy]

I hate that phrase. And I know this is long but please read

 

 

 

I'm in a long distance relationship and we went into it knowing it was going to be long distance, because of where I go to college and transferring out of it to be where he is would mean going to a lesser school so that's pretty much out of the question.

 

Anyway, so we hadn't seen eachother for a few months, but we talk every day, and I was the one with cold feet. I didn't expect things to last and he sensed my thoughts on that, which he basically asked if I could find it in me to carry on and power through this long distance period. After some thought, I decided to commit myself to the idea of all this and just accept the difficulty instead of going against the grain. So persevere.

Then he asks me to love him,

and maybe I'm shallow but I think "Well I'm doing all this for him, so I think I love him, eh why the hell not." So I tell him I do.

 

So then I'm committed and whole heartedly emotionally invested in this, and things are great for a handful of weeks. I'm normally the kind of girl that's always going to parties, clubs, and bars every weekend and all of my friends are guys, so I knew how it looked and I slowed down on it because I knew it bothered him, and before you start up with the "don't change yourself for a man!" if you feel so inclined, I stopped it because I respect him.

 

So I made various adjustments in my life, and everything was wonderful, we're talking so often, he talks eagerly about the future--living together after I graduate, **** like that.

Then suddenly arguements happen. The little stupid stuff, you know: "Why didn't you call me when you said you would?" or "You forgot to tell me you loved me when you hung up!"

 

Which it's happened on both sides, but it's purely situational. There would be times that I was too busy with what I was doing to talk to him, and of course he would get upset so I would make time...then things started changing...

 

Times would come where he was too busy to talk to me, and when I'd complain he would not make any time.

Well I'm usually not one to harp, so I just got like "okay, well I have my studies so I can't sit around waiting for him."

When I started doing that, then he would get upset again that he felt ignored or forgotten about.

 

So the cycle would rinse and repeat only that I was getting more confidence in pointing out when I felt neglected instead of resuming the cycle, and after a few instances he told me he felt like I was trying to control him.

 

That makes me sound like a psychobitch, but honestly, I'm increadibly laid back and reasonable, I assure you.

 

So I expressed my confusion, that he didn't feel like he was getting enough attention so I showered him with it. He felt like I was getting distant so I tried to do typical girly things to make him feel I was THERE. Stupid cute things...occassionally sending care packages by surprise, love letters, cute text messages. Sweet **** like that... and then we get into a little quarrel and he tells me he needs space.

 

So by this point I'm frustrated, and I'm like "okay, what the hell?"

And he says the big statement up top. "I love you, but I don't know what I want."

 

Now I've heard this once before, so I thought he was saying "I don't want you, but this is me saying it nicely."

So at first I was pretty hurt at his second guessing and reacted in the stereotypical girly way of crying and "you don't want me! please give me a chance etc.etc." but I noticed while we were talking, the more he was kind of against the long distance idea.

 

And then sanity found me.

 

I stopped crying, and I was basically like "Look dude, I know this is hard, and if you don't want to do this, or if you want to find someone else I really do understand. I know it's tough, but either you want to be with me or you don't, and if you don't know then I do."

So I thought 'cool I gave him a way out if that's what he's asking', then I said "If you find someone there that you want to try to make things work with, I would sympathize." again I also thought 'cool, if there's someone else he's not telling me about this will lure him out to honesty!'

and lastly, I said "going into this, it seemed like things would be easier, are things just not what you thought they would be, and you're starting to change your mind?" and to that I thought 'great! that will be the excuse he takes if he's trying to bull**** me!'

 

And he eventually went from "I don't know what I want" to basically "Tell me what to do, tell me what you want."

 

And things seem to be fixed.

Seem to be.

But I'm still urked.

 

What the heck is going on?

[faithe]

hi...i read your post and it's almost similar to mine...i broke up with my bf for 3 years because he was leaving for a new job in another state and i was never a factor in his decisions. i did not want to break up but i felt like if he has no plans for me then it's better to end it before one of us cheats on the other or we might just drift apart in the process.

 

anyway i felt like i was some piece of trash he just threw out because he has no use for me anymore. i felt like he never intended to take our relationship to the next level...that the only reason we lasted for 3 years was because we are in the same place.

 

i know i was the one who said that our relationship is over but that is only because he never mentioned anything about continuing it any further. i even asked him if he loves me enough to make it LDR work and he told me i don't know...which really broke my heart.

 

anyway, we texted each other last night...i initiated it not because i was begging him to reconsider...i wanted to hear from him straight was that this (break up) is what he really wants...i didn't expect he would say otherwise.

 

and for the first time in 3 years he opened up to me and told me that he really did not want us to break up...that he was just scared that we will drift apart and we will be in the same situation as where we are now. all his messages seemed like he's confused. like he wants to be with me but he doesn't know what to do. he ended up asking me what i think we should do. i told him all the possibilities of what we could do to make a LDR work but i am more concerned if he is willing to go the distance (he's not the type to do just that). we still have not decided yet. i told him to think it over but i can't sit and wait around for him to realize if he wants me or not and if we have a future together. i am willing to move wherever he goes (after i graduate next year) but i just want to know if i can get the same dedication from him or if he would even invite me to move in with him.

 

i want all or nothing at all. i don't want to be in limbo.

 

anyway, sorry if i did not help you...i was just wondering how you are doing now. and if you guys have plans about the future.

 

i know myself and i am loyal...i am not the type who will cheat.

[RavinHarpy]

Sorry, I would have responded sooner but I gave up on looking here, only to be discouraged with no feedback.

 

Hopefully you look back here, and I hope this helps.

When he asks you what You want, then well, that's when you have to act like the stereotypical woman, cry, and tell him you need him or something.

 

I know that sounds desperate or wrong,

but sometimes one person in a relationship won't speak their mind or wont show he or she cares because he or she doesn't feel needed.

 

So expressing in an emotional way that you need the significant other and want to be loved by the significant other is perhaps the only way to do this I guess.

 

After that he'll come around, but be sure you visit routinely, and make actual plans to live with eachother, eventually.

 

If your guy's confusion is anything like mine, it eventually does fix itself. If you both want the same thing in the relationship then it will work.

 

But if you want things to work and he says he does yet they don't, then he's just lying, being nice, or you've become like luggage and he'll string you along until he wants comfort only to do it again.

 

If he takes too long, you gotta tell him that you can't go on like this waiting and wondering, it's a very taxing feeling.

 

If he hears you out, and understands how you feel and does make things work then you need to tell him exactly what you posted here, and you need to point out what you're getting yourselves in to with a long distance relationship--it requires a great deal of trust and commitment, it's not for someone who wants to date around or party. Also a time where things wear thin or get 'exausted' so to speak, or even an interest or two in someone else also SHOULD be expected, but you should discuss how it is to be handled when that time comes and make sure you both agree.

[idunnodude101]

wow im in about the same exact situation as you. only my girl did all that. and we kinda went through the whole same scenario too. but for her she just isnt willing to commit the time because she didnt say it but i can tell she is enjoying college right now and as she told her friend "she has a life now." but she dosent want to lose me. she is still saying she is with me. just isnt talking to me. she wants to hold off till she is ready to put in the time and effort. basically from what all her friends and my friends say taking advantage of my nice guy personality because she knows i wont leave her thing. she said its not about being single and how she really feels good about me and her.

 

i havent bothered trying to get a hold of her in 3 weeks. i mean i want her never felt so perfect with another girl before. this is the longest we never talked to each other in almost 3 years. at the sametime this does piss me off that she is treating me like this. i kinda feel i deserve better, but then i think this is the first problem we ever had and we had a million amazing moments so i dunno. im split. love her and hate her for doing this.

but im like you either all or nothing deal. you should just tell him how it is. i like what the previous posts have said bout it.

[RavinHarpy]

hey dude, in your case, you gotta ditch her. she's just stringing you along and giving you false hope when she has no intent on following through. That's the only reason women say that.

When women see something they want they go for it and think little of consequences. It's when they start thinking about things is when they don't want it so much anymore.

 

Sounds like either she's afraid to tell you that she doesn't want you, or she's keeping you around for comfort if another relationship she's trying at doesn't work out.

 

Sorry to give you bad news, but I know this is what's up because I've done this exact thing to someone else word for word.

It's a very cruel thing to do.