Is this really an innocent employee-employer relationship or something else?

[absentminded]

My boyfriend has one of his female employees working at his house two or three time a week. It started in Jan. He said she would help me with some paper work and would be done in 2-3 weeks. It has been 5 mos. I didn't know until my boyfriend got a call from her after our Valentine's Day dinner (9pm). She just wanted to say "Happy Valentine's Day". She is married. My boyfriend said "it is weird she called me on V Day with her husband next to her. there was rumor at work that we are having an affair." I thought about it and said to my boyfriend "maybe it is not a good idea to have her work at your house." He was upset.

From then on, I heard him frequently bring her up saying how smart she was. Later, I saw a LV gift bag in his truck when he came back from Vegas. It was not for me. He started to be secretive about his truck (not letting me drive it as before). I noticed the girl even cooked for him. They go to lunch together.

I used to spend the nights at his house but not anymore because he doesn't invite me any more. He would come to my place when he wants. Our sex life is going down the tube.

When I told him I don't feel comfortable about the girl working at his house with him alone, he said I was insecure.

Is it possible that this is really an innocent work relationship? Is it normal to have an employee (oposite sex) frequently at your house? Am I the one who is insecure and helucinating? Please help.

[InLovebutConfused]

It doesn't sound like you trust him very much and if there is no trust than is there really a relationship? I would try talking to him and suggesting counseling and if that doesn't work, Move on.

[absentminded]

I wanted to trust him and I tried to have faith in him, even by ignoring the unusual signs (expensive gift he bought for her, extra attention to personal appearance, change of routines, no more interest in sex with me, etc). He constantly brings her name up in our conversations. I can not even escape from the thoughts of their relationship. She works at his house at least twice a week. I don't think he has that much work for her. She brings food for him. I can even smell the food.

I told myself that I would have faith in him and believe what he said but when he told me last night she would be at this event this Saturday, I could not help feeling outraged. "Why would she be there?" Only his family members and his close friends will be there. No other employees are invited. He said "her husband will be there too." That doesn't make me feel any better. My gut feeling tells me something weird is going on, something is not right but I don't have any proof and I will never have any proof. I work during the day. They meet during the day.

I don't think he will leave me for her because she is married. I think they are having a casual relationship (physical) but I don't have any evidence. I just can not explain the arrangement and his actions. Should I trust my instinct?

My ex-husband cheated on me. I still trust in men. Should I ignore my gut feeling and discount my instinct? I hate to giving up my love for him.

If you were in my shoes, how would you feel and what would you do? Please help.

[SoleMate]

Is it possible that this is really an innocent work relationship?

Sure, there's at least a 2% chance.

 

Is it normal to have an employee (opposite sex) frequently at your house?

No, I have never heard of such a thing.

 

Am I the one who is insecure and hallucinating?

If you're "insecure", I believe it is for good cause. No, you are not hallucinating. All the things you described about his changed behavior are FACTS. Your interpretation of an affair is reasonable.

 

Should I ignore my gut feeling and discount my instinct?

No, I don't recommend that. Your gut is there for a reason.

 

Besides, the things you describe are more than just "gut". Taken together, they point strongly to him turning towards her and turning away from you. Now the question is whether you want to fight for the r/s that is slipping away, or let it go. Do be careful about letting him come over - he would probably like to have her as his #1, and you as his fallback. That's what he's setting you up for, and you will be very tempted by this role, as it will appear to be all you can get.

 

If you thought that this was a longterm, committed, life partnership, you may want to fight to rebuild it. See the Marriage Builders website and try Plan A. Or, you may decide to let him go and move on, since he does not appear interested in being faithful to you or caring for your feelings.

[brashgal]

This sounds a lot like my exh's first affair except that she was the wife of one of his employees. They met during the day (she was a stay at home mom who lived close to work). What sounds so similar is her being at events that she shouldn't be at and involving the husband ("how can you question this? her husband is coming too"). He even suggested the affair (maybe to keep you from asking him directly?)

 

He doesn't invite you to sleep over any more? But he can stay at your house? Have you asked him why?

 

This is a real bummer. I hope we're wrong but it sure doesn't sound good.

[Chump64]

Yes, trust your instinct. He has given you every reason to be suspicious. All the signs are there. I can't tell how invested you are in this relationship, but if you two are very serious and he is not up to anything dirty, then he will understand why you feel threatened about the two of them being alone. I'll give you my standard line of advice, if it's a serious relationship and he won't get her out of his life for your sake: Act like everything is OK and go undercover. Put a voice activated recorder in his bedroom and also in the 'work' area where they work together. Fifty bucks at Best Buy. Get the ones that run for 18 hours; they really only go for 11 hours (battery life is 11 hours). Park a few blocks from his house at night and watch to see if she's there at night. Check his cell phone when he's in the bathroomm. Dig around for a copy of his cell phone bill. Recorders work well in cars too -- you can at least catch half of the conversation.

 

I hope this doesn't happen to you a second time.

[absentminded]

Thanks for all your replies.

I did talk to him a couple of times. His attitude became better than the first time. I told him I could not change him and I could not accept the reality but I can not go on like this. I asked him to help me rebuild the trust. He was willing to do it. He was offended that I even suspected him. That night I was convinced that I was wrong and I should have had faith in him. I felt so little for thinking he was cheating without hard evidence. I felt awful for losing faith in him. I really want to believe he is a noble man. I really hope I was wrong. So I was determined to trust him. I tried not to think about it. I took his word at the face value. I had a nice weekend. He seemed to make effort. I thought everything would be fine.

Last night when he told me she was coming to the event, my heart started racing, my hands were shaking. I felt the anger. It was like a big wave hitting me off guard. I was drowning. I did not even want to argue. I wanted to give up. I'm tired of the struggle.

I gave up my marriage because of infidelity of my ex. I start losing faith in men, in true love.

He asked me "what's the matter?" "what world are you leaving in?" Is my thinking too outdated? Should I be "modern" enough, secure enough to ignore everything, to pretend nothing bothers me?

He is very nice to me, to my kids, making all kinds of plans (travel) with us in the future... What does it mean?

Is it true that guys want someone new once a while? What happened to our believe in love? Your advice will help me clear my head, my mind (if I have not lost it). Thanks in advance.

[melancholyaddict]

Isn't it interesting that while we are in the middle of our own situations we can't see the signs but when someone else's situation is blaring in front of us, the red flags are everywhere.

 

I do not believe you are insecure. However, his reaction of being 'mad' over you saying something about her coming over is a manipulative way of trying (although subconsciously) to make you back down and not bring it up again because more than likely, you have hit a nerve.

 

The situation as you describe does not sound healthy. She's married, yet calling, cooking and spending time with your BF?

 

And though it is possible to be friends with co-workers of the opposite sex, having them at your house and buying gifts is not a trait of a 'friends only relationship.'

 

It would do you a world of good to take a short break from him. I know no one ever likes that scenario but you are going to drive yourself crazy by always wondering and it sounds like he has the upper hand in the relationship, by making controlling statements, etc.

 

I have been where you are, wondering if I am the delusional crazy girlfriend but knowing deep down inside that I am the sane one. Take a break, even if it's a weekend. Get together with friends, go out with a family member, or stay at home and do nothing. But make it clear to him that you will need to think about things and you won't be available to him. Be honest in how you feel, try not to get into a heated argument as this will only divert you from you goal. In this 'time away' phase, watch his behavior and see if he's calling you, emailing you, etc. This will be indicative of if he's with her or not.

[absentminded]

I think you are right. I should take a break from this. Otherwise I'll go nuts. I know it is right thing to do but back in my mind, I am afraid to lose him. I'm afraid that I would regret. I keep thinking what if he is innocent?

Every time we argue, the next day he will call or just show up like nothing had happened. No apology or no mentioning of the argument.

I'm very serious with this relationship. I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with him in whatever form. He never made any promises. But he did say that we were in an exclusive relationship. It is okay (although painful) if one day he tells me he doesn't love me any more. I will wipe my tear and leave. I just can not share the love with another woman at the same time. If I know for sure, I would leave him. But I just don't know.

Anybody I talked to thinks something is going on. I am still trying to find something that proves me wrong.

How should I tell me because he is going to act so innocent, like nothing is going on?

[melancholyaddict]

Fear is what keeps us captive. So, don't be afraid. That is why there are so many 'bad' 'abusive' 'manipulative' relationships out there, we fear being alone. Remember OJ? He acted innocent too. A lot of people though he was guilty and he did have his handful of supporters. JUST because he might act innocent doesn't mean he necessarily is.

 

You are now second guessing yourself. It's like picking door number two when you should have stayed with door number one. Always trust your first instinct. You have the facts, you spelled them out in your first post. Those are the facts, perceived by you yes, but your perception is your reality.

 

You feel uncomfortable when he mentions her, that is your fact, how you feel. At this stage in the game, it is irrelavent to worry about his feelings or if he's innocent. Have you thought about turning the tables and seeing how the reverse situation would be handled if it were you getting calls from another man, going to lunch, working together at his home? I bet if you told your BF he was insecure, he'd look at you like you had a third eye. I always use the 'shoe on the other foot' reality check to see if they are really listening to begin with. Most of the time, for the first time, they stop dead in their tracks and mumble, I didn't realize it was like that.

 

There are three kinds of people in relationships. Those who are happy and content and have an insurmountable amount of trust. Those who are 'content' until someone better comes along (usually known as the monkeys who swing from one relationship to other before breaking it off the correct way) and those who sit down and tell you the truth and deal with the consequences. Most people fall into group two because they don't want to deal with the consequences. There is relatively little pain because they have already started forming feelings for this new person and it makes THEIR transition easier. Now, I am not saying this is happening to you but I am saying this is why you need time. You need to put all the facts (the things that bother you on the table), set the boundary and let him know this hurts you and can you both move forward without any resentments.

 

If he comes back with the 'your just insecure' you have every right to say, well, who wouldn't be after hearing a,b,c and d. Remember the entire point to taking a break is to let him know how you feel, not so he can tell you how you feel, which is what he has done in the past. Healing cannot begin until the other party accepts how you feel and accepts their mistake or fault, apologize and really try to make ammends. That's why you feel like he is not doing his part, he doesn't apologize, he acts like nothing is wrong. If you cut yourself you would clean out the wound, dab on some neosporin and then top it off with a bandaid, right? Otherwise, the cut is going to take longer to heal and the scar might end up being bigger if you don't take care of it properly. It is the same for torn or hurt feelings in a relationship, just because one party is ready to move forward, doesn't mean the other party needs to hurry up. Having to deal with your feelings might cause him pain, which might be the one thing he wants to avoid.

 

You have a lot to think about my friend. But trust your gut, always. If your situation was a late night here and a lunch there, I would probably say, yeah you might be insecure. However, you have no idea what her situation is with her husband or her intent. You are in the control spot, you just need to utilize it. When you choose to make sure you do it in a non aggressive way, anger and tangents will just get you off course for your goal (to let him know how this is affecting you) (so don't let him dismiss your feelings or try to put the band aid on them too soon). Try not to cry if you can. It is an extremely emotional thing for women, to tell someone how they feel and if the other person is not receptive, we go to the 'tears' almost instinctively. Be calm and confident and trust yourself above everything else and remember fear will keep you captive.

[Galaxy]

That doesn't sound innocent at all. What type of a job does he have where a woman from his work is required to report to his home on a continuous basis? Doesn't sound right.

[absentminded]

Thank you all for your replies. It really helped me. I found comfort in your response knowing that I'm not insane.

I just came back from the event. I did not want to go after I learned he invited her but I wanted to be supportive (it was his event). She showed up with her husband. I was nice to her and her husband (I did the "losing with grace" part) and visited with her for a while. I didn't want to make anybody uncomfortable. She was nice but distant. She was running around, taking his pictures from the beginning to the end. I could tell she really likes him. She holds her camera focusing on my boyfriend's face for a few minutes while her husband was looking on. I felt bad for the husband. He was very quiet, didn't talk much. It was hard to tell whether he knew anything about it or not. It made me wonder, if her husband did not suspect anything, maybe I am wrong.

I'm sure he is a nice guy and may have a heart of gold but I have to say he is overweight, not very attractive. She found every opportunity to sit next to my boyfriend. I could tell from their body language they were not "strangers", you know what I mean.

Another thing I noticed (not very obvious today though), when she is around, my boyfriend doesn't call me "baby" or "honey" as he usually does. He called my name in a serious tone that caught my attention because I am not used to.

As Melancholyaddict said, my perception is my reality. I certainly don't want to have to deal with this type of reality in the next few years. I don't see him tell her not to come to work at his house in the near future. He said to me once "I'm hiring her as my personal assistant". Maybe I did not mention before, my bf has his own business and has his office away from his home. She used to work at the office and now is working part time in the office and two or three afternoons at his place, basically paying his bills (mostly personal bills), filing away the paperwork. I don't think there is that much work. It would take about half an hour the most each week. He did it himself before. I really don't think it is necessary but he said to me during one of our conversations on the subject, "I have no duty to report to you who I hire and who works for me." It surely shut me up in a second. Who did I think I was? He is not married to me. He never promised me anything. What right do I have to even suspect him?

It is very hard to "fight" for my rights when there is neither committment nor promises. Have you ever had a razor blade cut on your hand? I had one on my heart when I heard that. That is when I want to give up. He said one time, "I don't have problem telling you if I really want to be with so and so. (i.e. I don't have to sneak around)".

Today he acted nothing happened, he and her are as innocent as whatever. I was going to tell him that I wanted a "cool off" period to think things over but how could I bring it up when everybody was so happy and cheering him up? How could I be a party pooper, the insecure lunatic?

How do I bring it up? I'm sure she will be very happy if I do that. Sometimes, I thought maybe I should wait, maybe he will turn around but I'm afraid all these negative feelings will destroy my love for him by the time he turns around. Should I wait?

[melancholyaddict]

It sounds like you are taking on the 'burden' for all of this. First of all, these are your feelings. You have to put that first above everything else. Hopefully you are not co-dendant on him, ie, if he's happy, your happy, because that is such a hard cycle to break.

 

Just like having kids, there is no perfect time to have this heart to heart. I always think in terms of what is the worst that could happen? He could leave me, I will be alone. OK, with that said, I still have my arms and legs (being extreme) and I will be ok. Yes, it will hurt but in the big picture of life, I will be ok. So, that's the worst thing, right? Now, what's the best thing? That you can release these negative feelings (who cares if they sound insecure?) (as long you you don't come acrossed like a raving lunatic in telling him-remember composure), that you will have a chance to tell him how YOU feel, not how he thinks you should feel and you have a chance to take control of your emotions rather than being captive by his.

 

Don't worry how she is going to feel, how he is going to feel, only about how you are going to feel. I'm sorry but if someone had enforced the, 'you can't tell me who to hire scenario' I would have told him right there we need a break. The reason? He's not taking into account how this might make you feel. A good relationship isn't worth putting in jeopardy. If you were walking down the street and a stranger came up and slapped you for no reason, would he just allow that to happen? Would he just say, Oh well, that will heal. Ask yourself that question and really concentrate on how he would respond. That response sounds cold doesn't it? Well, so did the one he gave you about who he could hire and who he couldn't, reinforcing your place of importance in his life. That to me is pretty indicative of how he views the relationship, that he is in control.

 

A relationship (healthy) is a give and take from both parties, compromise. When you truly love someone, that compromise comes easy but it shouldn't be one person having to compromise all the time. A broken heart is really hard. I know, I've had to walk away from someone I loved because he kept breaking my heart and the boundary had been set that it was ok to break my heart and that I would pick up his pieces. It was the hardest thing to do but I am happier now, I feel more in control of my relationships and how they affect me. I set boundaries really early in relationships.

 

I tell you, women take more time picking out shoes than they do when considering a male partner.

 

If he loves you, he will listen with an open heart, he will not be defensive or dismissive. If he loves you and cares about you, his actions (not his words) will show you that he is willing to listen to how you feel and hopefully correct this situation.

 

The main point is you are the only one who is unhappy in this scenario. How long can you remain the one holding the bag? Only you can answer this. I hope you can find that piece of inner strength to approach this topic, otherwise, you will be the one always looking and watching for the slightest moment of distrust. That my friend will eat you up inside.

[SoleMate]

...he said to me during one of our conversations on the subject, "I have no duty to report to you who I hire and who works for me." It surely shut me up in a second. Who did I think I was? He is not married to me. He never promised me anything. What right do I have to even suspect him?

It is very hard to "fight" for my rights when there is neither committment nor promises.

You're not crazy yet, but at this rate you surely will be before long.

 

If you have no commitment or promises, no expectation of fidelity, no "right" to tell him your feelings, no "right" to ask him to avoid hurting you in this gross manner, then I would suggest you don't really have a r/s worthy of the name.

 

If he loves you, he will listen with an open heart, he will not be defensive or dismissive. If he loves you and cares about you, his actions (not his words) will show you that he is willing to listen to how you feel and hopefully correct this situation.

I could hardly say that better. Your standards for a bf have sunk way too low. I can understand people being trapped in unhappy marriages - after all, divorce is expensive, the kids will be hurt, etc. - but WHY would you stay in an unhappy ad hoc r/s? If I were you, I would take JOY in the fact that I was free to can his uncommitted, cheating @SS just with a phone call.

[absentminded]

Thanks again.

After you pointed out, I realized that I do need to re-evaluate the relationship. I consider myself a strong person and have survived many things in life. I don't even understand why I am so weak in front of him. It just hurts so much.

I will try to be strong. As you said, what is the worst that can happen? I will keep you posted.

[absentminded]

Hello,

I took a baby step last night and did not go to dinner with him and his crowd. I was determined to be brave and to take a break for a while. I had another sleepless night. I remembered all the good time we had together and the nice things he did for me and my kids. It's been 3 1/2 years. He's become part of my life and my family. How can I let it go?

It is like a vicious cycle. I decided to stay with him and we are making effort-then he can't help mentioning her name (he even sent her to my house to drop off something). I got upset and wanted to give up. - then I regret and feel guilty for not trusting him.

Forgive me for being such a whimp. I used to be very confident. I lost my confidence somewhere along the way after I met him. I'm a well educated professional, highly regarded at work and loved by family and friends. I don't even understand why I'm so weak in front of him.

Still need your help and encouragement. Hope to hear from you soon. Thanks.

[absentminded]

I went to talk to my bf. We were calm at the beginning. I told him I don't feel comfortable with her working at his house knowing she is interested in him. I said, "If we single out one incident, I would not be bothered but we put all the pieces together, something is wrong with the picture." He explained again that it was necessary to have her work at his house but lose patience pretty fast saying "I'm not going to explain myself to you again." I did not know what to say before he said that "she would continue to work here. If you can not deal with it, it is your problem." I was speechless. I asked him to put himself in my shoes and see how he would feel. He said he understood how I felt considering my past (being cheated before). He got more excited asking me "what kind of person do you think I am? Why would I invite her husband if I have something going on with her? Do you think I am that kind of person?" Somehow, the following slipped through my mouth: "I really don't know".

He was offended and got up "This conversation is over. I've got work to do." He went to the other room. He yelled,"See yourself out."

I sat there for a minute, numb and speechless. I got up, walked to the door, closed the door behind myself, got into my car and drove away. I did not even have tears.

I came home and I wished I could cry but I could not. I am the bad guy again. Am I?

[SoleMate]

The rapid, angry retorts are quite consistent with his being unfaithful. Yes, he is trying to "make" you into the bad guy, to deflect attention from his own actions. I wish I could give you just the right words to say, or just the right actions to take, that would make him stop hurting you and start listening to you.

 

But I can't. HE ALONE controls his behavior. It may actually give you a bit of comfort to realize that. You do not have to twist yourself into knots trying to make him behave differently. He's the one who has his hands on the steering wheel.

 

Although I imagine it will take some time for you to reach this conclusion, I suspect that you will eventually give up on him. Be aware that even if leaving him is the BEST DECISION you can make for the mid and long term, it will feel sad, lonely, and scary for the first 4-12 weeks. NC and plenty if distraction makes it get better faster.

[Guest]

I have also been through this with a husband who became progressivly abusive towards me and our children. He had a few affairs - I even saw birthday cards to him signed with hearts and kisses from "work collegues" that he would co-incidently meet when we went out to clubs, dinner and events,etc.

 

If this man can be so thoughtless and cruel to you after nearly four years of knowing you intimately, how do you think he is going to treat your children once he is "used to them"? (just imagine the teenage years!)

His mind is elsewhere - you know that already.

His treatment of you and your concerns about the situation and what implications it has on the relationship is one sided - he is not comunicating with you at all and shows no concern for your feelings.

Anger, when faced with an acusation of this sort usually means he is seeing from a defensive and selfish perspective only, and might not necessarily mean he is having an affair YET (although it does look rather suspect). His treatment of the challenge he is faced with (if he is perhaps innocent) speaks volumes about how (not) important you are to him.

He has no place speaking to you in this manner, you have every right to question his motives if they seem less than honest - for goodness sake, you do know a little about this from personal experience - this does not disqalify your feelings as "once bitten, twice shy". An exclusive relationship suggests a level of responsiblility towards each other, and it does not sound lilke he intends to be accountable to you (or anyone else for that matter).

 

They are probably having an affair, he is in all likelyhood enjoying the "unacountablility" he has with this woman since she is commiting a greater eivil against the sacred commitment she has given her husband - I can't see there being much respect there, and this is how he has treated you by "throwing you out".

It sounds like he is very busy, very concerned with his own life and for someone to have to take pics. of him at his own event (pre-aranged like that), he must be quite a vain person. (I say this under correction - perhaps it is newsworthy and he does need the exposure - but what has come of the photos and the importance of these? - is it in an album for his own enjoyment? Perhaps for portfolio purposes - and there will obviously be others who have helped him like this, or is it a first? Why did he not ask you if your kids were not there - and did he include you in the pictures, do you feature as his other half?) I think it is plain and simply a case of "forbidden fruit" for both of them, and since it obviously gives him a thrill, he will do it again, with someone else under different circumstances.

If he were actually in love with you or this woman he would probably have been generally much nicer about it all - the feelgood stuff. (and probably not subjected the two of you to each other)

 

You deserve better and are worth more to your children as a well adjusted, happy and self assured and wise mother. You owe it to yourself and your family to walk away from someone like this, he will always cause you pain and this will impact on your children's perceptions of a "good" relationship.

 

Goodluck with the ensuing heartache, you have invested so much time and effort on this man, and it will hurt, but you will learn more about yourself and think more objectively the next time you feel attracted to someone who makes you feel special when he looks at you, or goes to any legnths to attract your attention.

[absentminded]

Good morning. Thank you for your answers. I really needed the support.

I had another sleepless night. I replayed our conversation again and again. Gush, it hurts. Even though I heard similar comments from him before, it is still hard to believe he could say things cruel like that.

I know he is a very nice man and has a good heart. He has been very nice to my kids and has become important in their life too. He has his weakness as we all do. He was upset because I was questioning his character. I hate to think of him the way I do now and to suspect him of unfaithfulness but all the signs I saw pointed to that direction. He told me on Valentine's Day when she called "she is interested in a casual relationship but I am very smart." Yesterday, when I said it made me uncomfortable having her work here knowing she is interest in you. My bf said, "she was interested in me when I hired her, before she got married (10 years ago) She is not interested in me now, not the slightest." Did you see the inconsistency here? Or am I hallucinating again? Why would he be so upset? Maybe he doesn't realize how odd he has been behaving. Why can I suspect him after seeing all the signs?

I guess now whether he is innocent or not is no longer the issue. He confirmed once again by his action how important I was to him. Do I really want this kind of relationship? This one-sided love becomes a burden to him and a pain to myself. My question is how to survive this? The conversation is not really "over". Do we need some sort of closure after 3 1/2 years being together?

Thanks again.

[2sunny]

He is putting you in this position so that you will suspect less, or learn less about what is really going on.

 

I DO think he's cheating with her... I'm sorry. I have been cheated on too (married for 20 years). The signs are there... it is so easy to overlook them when you don't want to admit it to yourself.

 

He is denying it to keep you hanging around (she's married remember - unavailable at the moment).

 

I would back way off - don't contact him for a while (I know this will be difficult), but if you do, you may get some clarity. His efforts may tell you something. If he calls, and you answer, just tell him that you prefer to speak with him after you have plenty of time to think about your future and your priorities....

 

Maybe you could have him followed.... hmmmm

[melancholyaddict]

I think some of your self esteem has withered over this relationship, or else you wouldn't be so concerned in being the bad guy. Try not to put labels on your behavior as it's not the best thing you can do. It is becoming more apparent to me that he is answering questions with questions to avert having to deal with the answers. He dismisses you and your feelings. This is a very manipulative thing to do. When people feel the need to deflect the heat, put it back on their partner, it is called blame shifting. This is what he is doing. He's not allowing for open communication, he is bringing in his character, which you obviously don't want to say negative things about and when you can't give him the answer he is looking for, he shuts the conversation down. How is that fair?

 

It's not. You are not on equal footing with him. Why? He won't allow you to be. You have to ask yourself now, is this really even about her anymore? It is becoming more evident that his reactions are now hurting you more than the original issue. Try not to live in the past, good times are great but to base a future with him on good times in the past is wrong, base them on present and if the present is good, more than likely the future will be good too.

 

I know it hurts. It hurts and then one day, it doesn't hurt as much and then one day, you can't even imagine how you let yourself sink so low. You have to also think of your own self worth. What are you worth? This treatment? I doubt that a former confident, educated, professional woman is worth this.

 

I think in your heart you know how you have to move forward. You are right in the middle of all of the emotion, distrust, hurt. You have to move away from that in order to really see.

[absentminded]

Hello,

I was pretty numb on Sunday and Monday and didn't feel much pain. He called Monday night pretty late, I didn't pick up the call. Tuesday he sent me an email, not really apologizing but said he would understand why I felt uncomfortable. He did blame himself for causing my mistrust because he doesn't express his feelings often. He further explained that the woman needs to work for him at his house due to business need but said he had never been unfaithful to me or to himself. I kind of believed him. Somehow, it bothered me that he did not express any willingness to compromise. I know it took him a lot to initiate the contact: calling me and sending me email but I wish he could do more than that. Deep down inside I was hoping he would make effort to save our relationship.

I miss him and started to forget/overlook the pain. Is this the start of another cycle?

[raposa]

New to this, I just read your thread and felt compelled to offer a word or two, though it seems you've got a lot of great input already.

 

Respect yourself. You deserve commitment and respect. You need to figure out what you want in a relationship, and if the other person isn't willing to work with you on that, you should decide not to settle. You don't deserve to settle. If you wish he would do more than email you, thats ok. You aren't asking for too much. But if he doesn't come through with the simple things you need, you should seriously evaluate why you are in this relationship. Be honest with yourself. And think about this, if he is being honest, if nothing is going on, then why would he lash out at you? Why would he go to lengths to keep your relationship distanced? TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

 

Take care of yourself. You said it, what's the worst that could happen? Even if the worst happens, you will make it through. I wish you the best.