Juliet Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 I love my bofriend to pieces! I have never cheated on him . He is always on the search for evidence of something:( . I chat to others guys as it is muchly related to my business. I run singles events. I am flirted with by many single men. I never flirt back EVER and I advertise everywhere with pictures of us that I have a boyfriend. I even tell guys I talk to not to flirt with me and treat me like a guy. They sometimes still flirt a bit after I say this and my boyfriend is ready to blow a fuse when he reads this. I keep a record of ALL my msn chats..he has all my passwords for email, phone and work email. He will search and search through everything when we are spending time together. One guy I used to chat to I had to stop talking to because my boyfriend asked me if i thought he was attractive..and he was plus he would flirt with me. That guy since then was deleted and blocked and knows it was because of my boyfriend. He sent a work email to me addressed to "me and my boyfriend" asking questions about my "next singles event";) He says he is going to be there and he is going to be the hottest guy there and just wait until I see him! I know he did that to hurt my jealous boyfriend because he was mad about losing out msn chat friendship. LOL He knows i share all conversation with my bf too. I do not live with my BF and have been 100% open with everything..No privacy at all to try and help him. It's not working though and he accuses me of hiding chats or hidden profiles or other stuff. I love him:love: and want to show him anyway i can i am faithful and devoted:) He confesses often that he worries about me leaving him for another man. I have been mean to him for no reason at all lately because there is some resentment starting to build up and i feel very badly about that too. I do not want to become a mean person:mad: as that only makes it harder for him to trust me!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
nosybear819 Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Your BF sounds way controlling and jealous. I don't know how long you've been dating but a relationship like this can end up bad. Jealous and controling are not endearing qualities. Maybe you think this shows how much he cares but I think it's a big red light. You oughta be careful you're an individual you don't belong to him. You save your online convos for him to read? Is that by request? Wow...be careful girl. Men like this are dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 The whole controlling thing is bad. And it will not magically improve until he seriously addresses his issues. Whether it is hurt from past relationship, or an overcompensation for his own indescetions (yes, that happens) is impossible to judge from here. There is a reason why you have behaved "bad", and that was in reaction to his controlling ways. No sane person would under normal conditions allow his or her privacy to be completely shattered, and what is more be controlled in the friends one may or may not have. Be very careful, and find out what causes his excessive behavior - if you choose to remain in such a relationship, which is sadly not without (emotional) dangers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juliet Posted September 15, 2005 Author Share Posted September 15, 2005 Thank you D'Arthez," Whether it is hurt from past relationship, or an overcompensation for his own indiscretions (yes, that happens) You are right about this comment. He openly admits to cheating on everyone he was ever with. I have some trust issues too but feel everyone is made in the "likeness of God" and deserves a fresh start and new chance. I am not as paranoid as he is though. He feels his Karma will come back to bite him. It could be cheating in the past was his secret way to regain control as well. The RED flags are there and i am only 3 months into the relationship. I am trying to encourage him into professional help. I would hate to "throw the baby out with the bath water" People are not disposable to me. If it continues to effect my emotional well being however I will have to reconsider the relationship's value. Thank you for your comments. You appear well read and knowledgeable. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Can only echo the previous responses. You've got the weirdo-magnet working over time with this one. He openly admits to cheating on everyone he was ever with. Do you really need any more information than that? And this The RED flags are there and i am only 3 months into the relationship. and this I love my boyfriend to pieces! realistically don't go together. There is still much to find out about each other before professing undying love (as you are discovering). You'll get over 3 months in no time - don't try & rehabilitate the guy, look for someone who doesn't have these hang ups before you get sucked in any further. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juliet Posted September 15, 2005 Author Share Posted September 15, 2005 nosybear819, Thank you very much with you quick reply! It was me who offered to save my chats. I felt his imagination was running away wild on what my chats were like. I thought saving them may show him how I behave and win some trust. It was my idea. It seemed it did not matter how I behaved if the other person(s) flirted he was still mad. We have been together 3 months now. He is insecure but i don't beleive he dangerous. The girlfriend he was with the longest was 3 yrs. They are still friends and she wishes him well. If he were dangerous i doubt she would stay in contact with him years later. She is a lesbian now though....lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juliet Posted September 15, 2005 Author Share Posted September 15, 2005 He admits it though. I did cheat in my past marriage and my boyfriend says that is worse than him cheating on all of his gf's because at least he was NOT married! I fell out of love with my husband because he lied, stole and was a control freak. My husband pawn the wedding rings and forged my name on checks..it was awful so i did not feel bad about cheating at all! I did not keep my seeing other people a secret from my husband at the time either. We had ended it and were living with eachother while I looked for a apt to move out. My boyfriend thinks i will cheat on him partially because of that. I have not cheated in relationships since my bad marriage though.. Link to post Share on other sites
darkie-dude Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 I do not see the need why he would want your passwords for everything. In all good relationships there is trust. Whether it is for his past indescresions or if he just gets too controling for his own good this is not the basis of a good relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juliet Posted September 15, 2005 Author Share Posted September 15, 2005 True that... I have his passwords too. lol We are pathetic..lol Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 So you cheated at the end of a doomed marriage. From what you write, the marriage was dead before you considered "cheating" - if your husband pawned the wedding rings, you cannot look at it in a different fashion. Cheating in such marriages happens, especially as divorces cannot be given immediately, but take a lot of time before they are finalised. However, in his case he has cheated on every gf he has ever had. A relationship does not have to go through the legal separation / divorce issue, nor is the division of assets a real issue. In marriage it is - he could have simply left the relationship if he had no hope for the relationship, or was deeply unhappy. As much as he may hate it, that is a frightening pattern. And a pattern that will not be broken in your relationship, unless he addresses his issues and insecurities. The issue is not that you have "cheated" in the holy institution of marriage, but that he somehow entitles himself to cheat on his girlfriends. I cannot believe that all of his girlfriends treated him bad, withheld sex purposely, or were plainly evil. The controlling behavior results from the fear that you might be doing the same, as he has done to all his past girlfriends. But in this way you can never get the trust. For example, if a male friend writes an email, and calls you somewhere sweetie (or even a more innocent term), he will always doubt - your fidelity, loyalty, honesty. With the resulting effects on his behavior and thought patterns. It is a lose-lose situation. If he does not get in therapy, the issues won't get resolved. Issues like this are hard to overcome, even under the best conditions. Realize that. If he does not see a problem to his behavior, he won't change - you'd be better of leaving then as soon as possible. Your attitude about seeing the best in people is commendable, but that sadly does not mean, that a relationship between you and him will work. Or will ever work . The 3 months comment and loving him to pieces seems to be over the top. You must not forget that people put up their best display at the start of a relationship, and are most blinded (hormonally) to the mistakes and shortcomings of our prospective partners. Just to say, be careful. Giving up your privacy can be very draining for your own mental health. You cannot build a relationship on good intentions alone. There are many red flags to consider. Be careful, and don't let your judgement be clouded by the freshness of this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juliet Posted September 15, 2005 Author Share Posted September 15, 2005 Self confessed Love addict here "Love my bf to pieces" comment... i give my whole heart to the object of my effection. I sometimes do not see the Big Picture Due to the clouded visions of love for that person. It does not mean i fall in love with just anyone and i rush into things. It just means well i am love *crazy*.... i know i have issues there. I do have a self help book for myself and my addictive personality. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 I had a relationship with a Guy like this... At first I thought it was kind of "nice" that he seemed so concerned about what I was doing... BUT What started out as seemingly mild jealousy or insecurity turned into a full on physco and I'm not kidding. Started with him not wanting or liking me to chat online with anyone... this included my GF's.. then got to where he hacked my email to read my email.. then he logged onto my messenger and pretended to be me trying to find out evidence of my doing something wrong... Then he hacked my Tmobile account, wrote down every number and called it... then he asked for names of Guys I had dated in the past wanted FIRST and LAST names.... then he used his clearence with the USMC to look them up in his computer AND called them. Soon it wasn't just that he didn't want me to have any Guy friends He also didn't want me to go out even to lunch with my Gf's... then it was my family he didn't want me to be around... IF he couldn't be right there controlling everything he wanted me to stay at home and go no where, see no one... IF I had a phone conversation with someone he insisted I tell him EXACTLY what we had talked about.... Funny thing is... HE too was an admitted cheater in his past relationships AND he also cheated on me... Never again.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juliet Posted September 15, 2005 Author Share Posted September 15, 2005 WOW Merin, that's horrible! He does go through my cell phone calls and has pretended to be me on msn. He even flirted with an ex bf on my msn. Then when i spoke with my ex he was confused at why i was not flirty anymore...prolly thought i was playing head games. He had my exboyfriend almost ready to confess he still had feelings for me..stuff i DO NOT WANNA KNOW and I would never lead an ex like that! He thought he would get him to admit he still wanted me to prove my ex wanted more than friendship. Weird eh? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 WOW Merin, that's horrible! He does go through my cell phone calls and has pretended to be me on msn. He even flirted with an ex bf on my msn. Then when i spoke with my ex he was confused at why i was not flirty anymore...prolly thought i was playing head games. He had my exboyfriend almost ready to confess he still had feelings for me..stuff i DO NOT WANNA KNOW and I would never lead an ex like that! He thought he would get him to admit he still wanted me to prove my ex wanted more than friendship. Weird eh? Yep.. more than just wierd.. it isn't healthy for you or for him. Trust me on this... Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 He's a psycho. These guys are the type that you read about stalking, kidnapping or even killing their ex gfs after she finally has enough of his whacked-out control-freak behaviour. If you stay with this guy then you need your head examined. Add to this he is a serial cheat, so has probably cheated on you already, and you've only known him for 3 months but you are madly in love with him, despite his controlling ways and complete lack of trust? I wouldn't be surprised to see you on Jerry Springer next year. Link to post Share on other sites
OMG Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 My last relationship was a springer when i caught him trying to cheat online with men! I guessed his password right on a singles site. He had a profile that read "hitched but play" He was planning a gang bang with several men he never met before behind my back! I got the number and called him there and i heard Gay porn in the background! Anyway, he said he was not cheating but "Questioning his sexuality"..and nothing happened..bla bla ...i was dumb and took him back.. the trust never came back so we broke up anyway. Lesson Learned.. i can be so retarded in love! Oh the ironic thing about it was it happened April 1st..i felt like the fool. 2yrs later it still bugs me. Link to post Share on other sites
nosybear819 Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Juliet...are you paying attention girl? Everything you're writing here gives me reason to beleive you're getting yourself into an abusive relationship. I'm sure he's really a nice person but sweetie he's crazy! Been there done had the black eyes to prove it - believe me you don't want to go down that road and I guarantee you're headed that direction. 3 months isn't that long I think you oughta move on and find another more trustful man to love to pieces Otherwise I'll be waiting for that Jerry Springer episode with Mental Traveller Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 All of this controlling drama and you have only known him 3 months..!! 3 months.. 3months.. 3 months..3 months.. Just think what he will be like in a year I think you need to can him .. Link to post Share on other sites
Israfil Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Sorry to nitpick, but this I keep a record of ALL my msn chats..he has all my passwords for email, phone and work email. He will search and search through everything when we are spending time together. True that... I have his passwords too. lol We are pathetic..lol is a HUGE red, flaming flag. That is soooo fu(ked up. Never mind the controlling, jealous, soon to be physically violent / abusive bf, but where is your (and his) personal space? Where is your right to be your own person? Where is your privacy? Link to post Share on other sites
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