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I found out he's been texting another girl about our confrontations?


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Old 5th February 2018, 10:47 AM   #1
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I found out he's been texting another girl about our confrontations?

I recently saw texts my boyfriend has been exchanging with another girl about our confrontations. For context, this girl is someone I have heard of but never met. Apparently, they worked together about 7 years ago and have been friends since. (She is now married). However, this friendship is odd as they stopped working together after 2 years and haven't seen each other in person in over 3 years.

They text regularly (3-4 times a month), though, and this has supposedly been the case since they've known each other. Anyways, I saw texts between them where he divulged details of our confrontations to her to the core. He also told her things he hadn't expressed to me about these confrontations. I confronted him about this and he told me that he would refrain from divulging details to her in the future but wouldn't lie to her if she asks how we are and we're doing not so well.

He also said that the reason he texted her was bc he knew he could go to her about and he was lost as to what to do when he was emotional about our issues. I told him that the frequency of texting also makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel weird knowing they aren't even physically active in each other's lives and he said he'd tone it down. My problem now is that I still feel uneasy because he went to this girl about multiple confrontations and it was when he was heated so I'm concerned of the effect that could have (i.e. he starts to see her positively and me negatively).

I'm also concerned bc I don't understand the nature of their friendship as it seems to be texting about each other's lives and what's going on without seeing each other... why would people do that? I don't want to invalidate his friendships but I personally don't understand and I'm worried that he will use her as an emotional crutch instead of coming to me, be it about our relationship or anything in his life. Again, he assured me this won't happen and he was very calm and assuring, but I am still concerned.

Is this something I should be worried about, or let go? Is it normal to go to someone of the opposite sex about fights in so much detail? (I personally wouldn't do this). Thanks for the input

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 7th February 2018 at 1:00 PM.. Reason: Add paragraphs and close per member request
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Old 5th February 2018, 11:46 AM   #2
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She is what I call a pre-existing friend. That means she was part of your BF's life before you came into the picture. I don't generally see those types of opposite sex friends as threats. If they were friends before, they had the opportunity to be more but chose not to. Here she is also married.


Texting 3 -4x per month & not seeing each other further indicates to me that she is not a threat to you. She is somebody he uses as a soundboard, to get advice about women. I have some male buddies like that. In my past I would rely more heavily on them in the beginning of a new relationship. Now that I'm married, I know my husband better then they know either of us or our dynamic so their advice is mostly solicited around gift giving or how to approach something.


Just how many "confrontations" do you have with your BF? The frequency of those disagreements may be more troubling then him speaking to her for guidance. However, now that you have asked him not to discuss the inner workings of your relationship with her, he needs to respect that reasonable boundary. If he fails to keep your relationship troubles more confidential, that would be troubling. However, you cannot expect this friendship to end.


In your shoes I would try to arrange a double date with you, your BF, this friend & her husband. Granted seeing each other isn't part of their dynamic but if you can eyeball her, that may put you at ease.
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Old 5th February 2018, 4:09 PM   #3
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worry more about communicating better with your BF and he won't go running to her for advice. just pointing out something...here you are coming to a bunch of strangers on the net asking for advice. maybe how you feel is how he feels...a need for an outside opinion/perspective. Just saying.

and to answer your question...yes people do that. I don't normally talk about my issue to others, but I have a few regulars (mostly guys) that ask me for advice. some I have known for over 10 years. Kinda what I do.
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Old 6th February 2018, 3:47 AM   #4
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She's a friend, and people tell their friends about crisis's. I think that If she was a man, than it's ok, right? What's the difference? You say yourself they're not in any phisical contact, or anything that threats you.
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Old 6th February 2018, 4:16 AM   #5
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If you want him to come to you with his concerns, he needs to be confident that the discussion won't end in "confrontation". Even in this situation, instead of simply discussing your concerns about him talking with her, you confronted him. Always remember that confronting someone will put them in a fighting stance before the discussion even begins.

What kinds of issues are you having which are so significant that he needs outside advice?
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Old 6th February 2018, 11:55 AM   #6
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Maybe I shouldn't have said I "confronted" him about the texts, then. It wa sa calm discussion, not an attack. For more background, he told me before these texts occurred he sometimes felt scared to tell me his feelings bc he was scared it would go wrong based on his past relationship. Recently (before I discovered the texts), he told me that bc of how I talked to him, he's started to lose that fear. Once I discovered the texts he told me that they happened bc he was in that state of fear but it would be easy to not divulge details to her now that he doesn't fear coming to me. So I would say that's pretty good. I still felt a little weird about the whole thing yesterday so I made this post but now I realize there's nothing to feel weird about.
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Old 6th February 2018, 1:28 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by lbh33 View Post
Maybe I shouldn't have said I "confronted" him about the texts, then.

Now I'm confused.


Your Q asked what you should do about the fact that your BF discusses confrontations you had with your BF with his female friend.


Now you are saying that you should not have "confronted" your BF about his texts to this female friend.


Those are two different issues. If you & your BF are routinely at odds, that is a bigger problem then him talking to his friend.


If you feel like you attacked him when you learned about his disclosure of what you consider to be confidential relationship issues that should have remained between you & him, that is different. You apologize, move on & don't do it again.


Regardless, I am glad you feel less anxious about the situation today after getting some input from LS. Sometimes a good night sleep, a few calming breaths & just taking some time / a step back can make things clearer when the initial emotional impact has dissipated.
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Old 6th February 2018, 3:39 PM   #8
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I agree with those who said this is a pre-existing friendship and one that isn't/hasn't been physical, just texting a few times a month. And by all accounts, this friendship isn't a secret although the content of their conversations may be less transparent for obvious reasons.

Personally, I think you're overthinking things. I've got many male friends including one I originally met on a dating site but struggled to meet up in real life as he lived about 8 hours from me. In the interim, we developed a fabulous friendship that's going on 5 years now. We agreed a long time ago not to rock the boat with trying to turn it into something romantic as we valued our friendship so much. And it's work out wonderfully.

I'm a huge communicator so communicating with my romantic partner about anything isn't a problem like it is with most couples. That being said, sometimes I need to vent or sort through things in my personal life and/or in my relationships and hearing a male's perspective is really helpful. And vice versa.

I would focus more on improving your communication with your boyfriend if anything. And if he continues to reach out to his female-friend once in a while to help sort out things, I really don't think it's a big deal like I said.

Good luck.
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Old 6th February 2018, 4:28 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Now I'm confused.


Your Q asked what you should do about the fact that your BF discusses confrontations you had with your BF with his female friend.


Now you are saying that you should not have "confronted" your BF about his texts to this female friend.


Those are two different issues. If you & your BF are routinely at odds, that is a bigger problem then him talking to his friend.


If you feel like you attacked him when you learned about his disclosure of what you consider to be confidential relationship issues that should have remained between you & him, that is different. You apologize, move on & don't do it again.


Regardless, I am glad you feel less anxious about the situation today after getting some input from LS. Sometimes a good night sleep, a few calming breaths & just taking some time / a step back can make things clearer when the initial emotional impact has dissipated.
No, I think I should have brought it up to him because it bothered me, so I'm glad that I did. I was mostly responding to basil bc I think the term "confront" to them sounded like an attack, when what I meant was that I approached him calmly about it. And thank you, I agree!!
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Old 6th February 2018, 5:35 PM   #10
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Quote:
I saw texts between them where he divulged details of our confrontations to her to the core.
He also told her things he hadn't expressed to me about these confrontations.
I confronted him about this.
My problem now is that I still feel uneasy because he went to this girl about multiple confrontations and it was when he was heated so I'm concerned of the effect that could have (i.e. he starts to see her positively and me negatively).
This doesn't sound like a calm discussion if he's going away from it heated and you're worried about how it makes you look.

When I use the word confrontation, I mean exactly that---otherwise, it's a discussion where both parties calmly talk and ask questions. Things aren't heated and there is no fear of being seen in a negative light.

It does depend upon how it truthfully went down---because your initial post doesn't make it sound like these are calm discussions
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Old 6th February 2018, 8:31 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by kendahke View Post
This doesn't sound like a calm discussion if he's going away from it heated and you're worried about how it makes you look.

When I use the word confrontation, I mean exactly that---otherwise, it's a discussion where both parties calmly talk and ask questions. Things aren't heated and there is no fear of being seen in a negative light.

It does depend upon how it truthfully went down---because your initial post doesn't make it sound like these are calm discussions
Your bolded print is referring to when he texted the girl. When he texted the girl he was heated. When I talked to him about seeing the texts it was calm. Things are getting misunderstood but the conversation about the texts was not confrontational, it was calm. Just because some people have an aggressive connotation associated with “confront,” doesn’t mean everyone defines it that way. An alternate definition of the word “confront” is to “deal with” which is what I meant.
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Old 6th February 2018, 8:35 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by kendahke View Post
This doesn't sound like a calm discussion if he's going away from it heated and you're worried about how it makes you look.

When I use the word confrontation, I mean exactly that---otherwise, it's a discussion where both parties calmly talk and ask questions. Things aren't heated and there is no fear of being seen in a negative light.

It does depend upon how it truthfully went down---because your initial post doesn't make it sound like these are calm discussions
Also, just to be more clear, i was worried if he continues to dish out his feelings to this girl instead of me then he might begin to see her positively and me negatively. It had nothing to do with worrying about how he sees me after the conversation. The conversation was calm. Honestly this is completely fine now as I’m no longer worried about her, I realize she’s not a threat, and he’s fine. I mostly came here to hear that I don’t need to worried. Not to be argued with about whether or not I was confrontational when I talked to him- I wasn’t.

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Old 6th February 2018, 8:39 PM   #13
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Your bolded print is referring to when he texted the girl. When he texted the girl he was heated. When I talked to him about seeing the texts it was calm. Things are getting misunderstood but the conversation about the texts was not confrontational, it was calm. Just because some people have an aggressive connotation associated with “confront,” doesn’t mean everyone defines it that way. An alternate definition of the word “confront” is to “deal with” which is what I meant.

The dictionary definition of the word "confront" is: to meet (someone) with hostile or argumentative intent. You chose the word. We are going by what you said.

I'm glad to hear that your interactions with him were not aggressive. However your initial Q was: I found out he's been texting another girl about our confrontations? As written, that Q asks how you should deal with the fact that your BF was talking to another woman about multiple previous hostile interactions that you & he had. You are now saying you misspoke & that you calmly discussed your BF's regular communications with his female friend with him.

You are still losing me here. Were you upset that he routinely talks to her when he's upset or were you upset that he talks to her specifically about fights / disagreements / confrontations that the two of you (you & your BF) have? The advice changes depending on the nature of the problem.
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Old 6th February 2018, 9:30 PM   #14
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The dictionary definition of the word "confront" is: to meet (someone) with hostile or argumentative intent. You chose the word. We are going by what you said.

I'm glad to hear that your interactions with him were not aggressive. However your initial Q was: I found out he's been texting another girl about our confrontations? As written, that Q asks how you should deal with the fact that your BF was talking to another woman about multiple previous hostile interactions that you & he had. You are now saying you misspoke & that you calmly discussed your BF's regular communications with his female friend with him.

You are still losing me here. Were you upset that he routinely talks to her when he's upset or were you upset that he talks to her specifically about fights / disagreements / confrontations that the two of you (you & your BF) have? The advice changes depending on the nature of the problem.
There is another dictionary definition of confront as "face up to and deal with (a problem or difficult situation)." So, what I meant, to be clear, in the context of my question was that he had texted her about disagreements we had. I wouldn't call them hostile. And when he and I talked about him texting her, it was very calm.

I was upset that he divulged to her the details of our disagreements and moreso that he told her things he had never expressed to me. When I told him this, his response was that he was worried to tell me his feelings at times bc in his last relationship he was shut down and he was scared I'd do the same thing. But over time he no longer felt that way and therefore doesn't have a problem coming to me or refraining from texting her the details of things between us. I was also a bit uncomfortable with the frequency of texting but he said he'd tone it down some. And we are setting up a double date because the idea you mentioned of seeing her makes me feel much better. Once I can see his friends I feel like I actually know them and I think I just want to know who he is close to.
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Old 7th February 2018, 12:04 AM   #15
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ibh33, I wouldn't want to be romantically involved with someone who was sharing details of our relationship with another woman. Even if it was a woman therapist.

I actually was involved with a man who had been in therapy with a woman counselor for many years and one of the reasons I couldn't see a future with him is because of the depth of their relationship. And I had no doubts but that he was not attracted to her. It wasn't the threat of romance with her that bothered me. It was that I want to be the only woman my man confides in depth with. And I didn't think it fair to ask him to break off this long standing confidante of his for me.

For me, one of the things that is important in a relationship with an SO is that we have a special emotional/physical/spiritual connection that no one else is privy to.

From past threads and conversations about this on LS I think I'm part of a minority in this regard. That's fine with me. But, I just want to encourage you to really think about what you want in a relationship as it pertains to boundaries of your bf with other women.

It really doesn't matter what I expect in a R, or what another poster is comfortable with. You need to figure out what your own boundaries are and accept them as valid, whether or not anyone else agrees with them or holds to the same standard.
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