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Should I tell?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 19th October 2017, 1:03 AM   #16
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I don't believe you could be happily married to him while harboring this secret as it would be a barrier between the two of you and there would come a day when you would want a truly intimate relationship with your partner.
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Old 19th October 2017, 1:47 AM   #17
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Yes, you need to tell him now. There is another current thread on this site, written by a man whose wife had a brief affair 15 years ago, before they were married, but after they were engaged. Read that thread, and listen to the pain in that man's words as he talks about what his wife did - also understand the misery his wife was bearing for the last 15 years, and how it all came out as the result of a death bed confession... you really don't want to be in that position. Sad, truly sad for all concerned.
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Old 19th October 2017, 2:16 AM   #18
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I cheated on the best thing that has ever happened to me, my boyfriend of 8 years. Despite my awful actions, I truly am in love with him. I am completely remorseful and do not know what to do. I cannot lose him, and we are planning to get engaged soon (within a year).
8 years and you were each other's firsts. I will be honest... I don't think what you did was out of the ordinary given the circumstances. I'm sure part of you always wanted to experience other men on some level.

The core problem however is failing to draw correct boundaries with this guy from school. If two generally attractive people of the opposite sex spend a large amount of time alone together... this is a predictable outcome. You should have known that in advance but we all learn at different speeds.

I don't think you should wait another second. You need to be honest with your BF as soon as possible. Maybe he will want to work through this, maybe not. If I can give you one piece of advice to help... do not trickle truth him. Answer every question with as much honesty as you can, but avoid details wherever possible.
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Old 19th October 2017, 7:29 AM   #19
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When I went to school I never needed to study
with anyone. I went to class, took notes, read notes
before the test. Ask myself questions.

Study buddy?
What study buddy?
I don't need no stinkin' study buddy.
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Old 19th October 2017, 9:25 AM   #20
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Hi Silver10,

First of all - I am not meaning to sound harsh, but it will probably come across as so (apologies!) ...

My very first thought upon reading your predicament is that if your boyfriend did the same to you ... would you rather know? I have to say, I would.

IMO you cannot enter in to a committed relationship (i.e. getting engaged) based on lies and deceipt - that is not a good start for a lifetime together.

You say "I truly am in love with him" and "I cheated on the best thing that has ever happened to me, my boyfriend of 8 years" ... so - why cheat? I just don't get it.

If you are completely remorseful, as you state, then you MUST come clean to your boyfriend - regardless of the consequences.

You further say "We have had sex about 5 times in the last 5 months" ... I am struggling with getting my head around this - you are totally in love with your boyfriend but still had sex with someone else FIVE times - I would have thought after the first time you should have been shocked back in to reality - because of how much you say you love your boyfriend.

... and if you care about him more than you care about yourself (which, again, you have stated) then you will do the decent thing and admit to him the FULL extent of what you did to him behind his back - he deserves nothing less.

I sincerely hope you do the right thing and come clean .... do you have a conscience?

I do wish you well x
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Old 19th October 2017, 10:30 AM   #21
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It sucks but maybe you both could use some time to date others before thinking about marriage. You are both young and have plenty of time to worry about stuff like that. Then maybe years down the road you two will reunite, and can move past the past.
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Old 19th October 2017, 3:01 PM   #22
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It sucks but maybe you both could use some time to date others before thinking about marriage. You are both young and have plenty of time to worry about stuff like that. Then maybe years down the road you two will reunite, and can move past the past.
If life was just that easy... unfortunately, the past can't be undone...and the feelings that go along with what has happened.
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Old 19th October 2017, 3:37 PM   #23
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I will see my BF this weekend.

Thoughts on beginning pre-marital counseling?
Perhaps the counselor could help guide the confession?
I have never seen a counselor before, so I am unsure of how it all works, but I am interested in seeing someone.
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Old 19th October 2017, 3:42 PM   #24
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It sucks but maybe you both could use some time to date others before thinking about marriage. You are both young and have plenty of time to worry about stuff like that. Then maybe years down the road you two will reunite, and can move past the past.
Having started my relationship at 17, I totally agree, it would be wise to experience dating. The problem is she has already damaged this relationship, so they have to deal with it. I'm pretty sure if she suggested time apart now, there would be no down the line.
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Old 19th October 2017, 3:45 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by Silver10 View Post
I will see my BF this weekend.

Thoughts on beginning pre-marital counseling?
Perhaps the counselor could help guide the confession?
I have never seen a counselor before, so I am unsure of how it all works, but I am interested in seeing someone.
Couple therapy isn't a great idea when you have done things that will likely end your relationship it your partner finds out. I think it's best to not attempt to manipulate the outcome, it's beyond your control. What I'm saying is, your boyfriend may not want this relationship after he finds out, therapy is a waste if he isn't committed.
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Old 19th October 2017, 3:59 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Silver10 View Post
I will see my BF this weekend.

Thoughts on beginning pre-marital counseling?
Perhaps the counselor could help guide the confession?
I have never seen a counselor before, so I am unsure of how it all works, but I am interested in seeing someone.
The ONLY one who can be honest with him is you... so you will just need to tell him.

And there's no value in couples counseling until you get individual counseling to help you understand exactly why you chose to cheat on a perfectly good man/relationship - and what you need to learn in order to never cheat again.

Do those two things first. Tell the truth and get yourself help.
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Old 19th October 2017, 6:48 PM   #27
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Thank you to everyone for your replies. I value your opinions.
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Old 19th October 2017, 8:49 PM   #28
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Another thing, you stated that your were each other's first and only lover. You have thrown that balance totally off. No man worth his testosterone will let that fact stand uncontested. Are you prepared to stand by and watch while your BF engages in an affair where you have no control over the outcome? He may get the other girl pregnant and need to pay child support payments for the next 18 years... are you prepared to accept that in your life? And, just as he had no control over the outcome of your affair, are you prepared to accept that he may actually fall in love with the other woman and actually want to spend time with her? He may become your husband officially, but have a long term mistress on the side forever. Are you willing to live with that knowing you caused it? Think real hard on this...
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Old 20th October 2017, 8:43 AM   #29
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It looks like you've made the correct decision. So I'm just piling on here. Sorry.

I've seen a lot of "it was a one time thing" or "I was drunk" type cheating posts. Not that that's an excuse, but..........if it's a one time thing probably more excusable (yeah, levels of excusability, what the hell is that?!) than five times over five months. That means you had PLENTY of time to think about what you did the first time, but still did it four more times. It wasn't a "crime of passion". It was thought out and performed.........four more times!!!!!!

One question - Does your BF live close by? Again, not trying to establish level of how excusable it is (or maybe I am), but was your boyfriend close enough to provide physical affection? Or was it a "I haven't had sex for a year because the BF doesn't live close by" kind of thing?
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Old 20th October 2017, 10:47 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by caveman621 View Post

One question - Does your BF live close by? Again, not trying to establish level of how excusable it is (or maybe I am), but was your boyfriend close enough to provide physical affection? Or was it a "I haven't had sex for a year because the BF doesn't live close by" kind of thing?
At the time, no, he did not live close by. We were long distance. We now live in the same city, however 45 min apart, but see each other often.

I appreciate your interest, comments, and opinion-- do not be sorry.
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