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BF suddenly jealous of me & my best guy friend


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 8th February 2017, 4:38 PM   #1
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BF suddenly jealous of me & my best guy friend

Hello everyone,

I (21) have been in a relationship with my bf(22) for about a year now. We are very much in love and are complete soul mates, but recently weíve been discussing a lot of things like our pet peeves, likes and dislikes, and what we both expect in our relationship. Last week my bf started asking me lots of probing questions about a certain guy friend of mine (Mark) that Iím still friends with since high school. I was surprised because my facebook friend list is private and Iíve never told him anything about my friend.

I think he got into my phone and accessed my FB app  because he somehow knows quite a bit about him. Even though I assured him that I see Mark only as a platonic friend heís been acting really weird and from his actions and body language I donít think he is trusting me. I have to admit that I havenít told him any details yet even though heís been pressing me for more info, but I donít feel comfortable telling him everything so soon. We are in love but I donít think either of us expects to be so close so fast. His odd behavior hasnít been helping the situation because heís now randomly calling me and asking me where I am and what Iím doing, obviously keeping tabs on me. He even got a bit mad when I had my guy friend over the other day to study with me along with other friends. I told him the truth - that I was hanging out with friends, which I was, and I would never lie to him. Iím pretty mad about him possibly violating my privacy by getting into my phone, so I switched to a fingerprint password. But since I have no proof of his snooping Iím not going to say anything about it.

My history with Mark is basically that we met when I was a sophomore and became really good friends. We were both new to that school, so we had few other friends and we got pretty close. We even dated briefly but quickly realized that we were not interested in each other in that way, but we remained good friends. When college came around we decided to attend different schools but they were close enough that we stayed in touch and occasionally went out together for drinks or coffee. I know him really well and heís currently kind of in a relationship with another girl and I was genuinely happy for him. That was last year but we still kept in contact through the summer. I met my current BF about a year ago and when I told him he was also happy for me because this is my first real relationship.

I know for a fact that Mark and I are platonic friends because weíve discussed this issue many times and it was definitely flirting before I met my BF. But Iíve noticed that since Iíve been with my BF I have toned down on the flirting and am now acting a lot more friendly towards him.

What do you think I should do? I really donít want to get confrontational with him because Iím seeing him tomorrow night!
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Old 8th February 2017, 5:04 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by kdukakis View Post
I (21) have been in a relationship with my bf(22) for about a year now. <snip> a certain guy friend of mine (Mark) that I’m still friends with since high school. <snip> I’ve never told him anything about my friend.

<snip> I don’t think he is trusting me. I have to admit that I haven’t told him any details yet even though he’s been pressing me for more info, but
I don’t feel comfortable telling him everything so soon. We are in love but I don’t think either of us expects to be so close so fast. His odd behavior
Actually, it is YOUR behaviour that is odd - and your mindset.

You've been withholding the information about your platonic friend (Mark) for 'about a year now' -- why? A year is not 'so soon' or 'so fast' to tell your b/f about any platonic friendship that is important to you and that you value. Why the need to hide it or keep it a secret at all? On top of that, you refused to just be open and honest even after your b/f asked about it directly.
What part of how you have been acting is supposed to help your b/f to feel comfortable enough to trust you?

While you are 'filling in the blanks' that your b/f has, about Mark, ask you b/f to fill in the blanks that you have, about how your b/f came to know about Mark in the first place.
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Last edited by Ronni_W; 8th February 2017 at 5:07 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 8th February 2017, 5:33 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by kdukakis View Post
Hello everyone,

I (21) have been in a relationship with my bf(22) for about a year now. We are very much in love and are complete soul mates, but recently we’ve been discussing a lot of things like our pet peeves, likes and dislikes, and what we both expect in our relationship. Last week my bf started asking me lots of probing questions about a certain guy friend of mine (Mark) that I’m still friends with since high school. I was surprised because my facebook friend list is private and I’ve never told him anything about my friend.

I think he got into my phone and accessed my FB app  because he somehow knows quite a bit about him. Even though I assured him that I see Mark only as a platonic friend he’s been acting really weird and from his actions and body language I don’t think he is trusting me. I have to admit that I haven’t told him any details yet even though he’s been pressing me for more info, but I don’t feel comfortable telling him everything so soon. We are in love but I don’t think either of us expects to be so close so fast. His odd behavior hasn’t been helping the situation because he’s now randomly calling me and asking me where I am and what I’m doing, obviously keeping tabs on me. He even got a bit mad when I had my guy friend over the other day to study with me along with other friends. I told him the truth - that I was hanging out with friends, which I was, and I would never lie to him. I’m pretty mad about him possibly violating my privacy by getting into my phone, so I switched to a fingerprint password. But since I have no proof of his snooping I’m not going to say anything about it.

My history with Mark is basically that we met when I was a sophomore and became really good friends. We were both new to that school, so we had few other friends and we got pretty close. We even dated briefly but quickly realized that we were not interested in each other in that way, but we remained good friends. When college came around we decided to attend different schools but they were close enough that we stayed in touch and occasionally went out together for drinks or coffee. I know him really well and he’s currently kind of in a relationship with another girl and I was genuinely happy for him. That was last year but we still kept in contact through the summer. I met my current BF about a year ago and when I told him he was also happy for me because this is my first real relationship.

I know for a fact that Mark and I are platonic friends because we’ve discussed this issue many times and it was definitely flirting before I met my BF. But I’ve noticed that since I’ve been with my BF I have toned down on the flirting and am now acting a lot more friendly towards him.

What do you think I should do? I really don’t want to get confrontational with him because I’m seeing him tomorrow night!
Quote:
I (21) have been in a relationship with my bf(22) for about a year now. We are very much in love and are complete soul mates,
a year is a long time to still have your face book friends list private mine is private but...if i had a boyfriend he would have access to my friends list.... and for your boyfriend to not understand or know the relationships you have with male friends.is actually concerning ...so i understand his concern...complete soul mates to me is no secrets

Quote:
I was surprised because my facebook friend list is private and I’ve never told him anything about my friend.
after a year...do you know his friends is his face book friends list private.....


Quote:
What do you think I should do? I really don’t want to get confrontational with him because I’m seeing him tomorrow night!
i think you should introduce him to your male friend and explain to him fully before you do no holding back the past relationship you had with this male friend and the relationship ......make it crystal to him....show him your friends list.....and introduce him to the people who mean something to you

ask him how he knew about this friend of yours.....ask him to be as honest as you are being with him......if he admits to snooping tell him you felt a little uncomfortable with that but from now on you will be open and honest with him so he never has to feel he has to snoop to really know who you are and who your friends are......

being soul mates or really serious and close to a guy means letting them in all aspects of your life good and bad.....friends and family.......ti means no deceit or omission no lies....and up front honesty...if he then tells you he isnt comfortable with you seeing this guy friend alone...i think you should also make that necessary choice of who is more important to you.....and maybe consider letting your bf have that coffee or milkshake with you and your male friend when you do catch up. ...thats my honest advice to you.....deb
Try and basil67 like this.
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Old 8th February 2017, 10:17 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by kdukakis View Post
Hello everyone,

I (21) have been in a relationship with my bf(22) for about a year now. We are very much in love and are complete soul mates, but recently weíve been discussing a lot of things like our pet peeves, likes and dislikes, and what we both expect in our relationship. Last week my bf started asking me lots of probing questions about a certain guy friend of mine (Mark) that Iím still friends with since high school. I was surprised because my facebook friend list is private and Iíve never told him anything about my friend.

I think he got into my phone and accessed my FB app  because he somehow knows quite a bit about him. Even though I assured him that I see Mark only as a platonic friend heís been acting really weird and from his actions and body language I donít think he is trusting me. I have to admit that I havenít told him any details yet even though heís been pressing me for more info, but I donít feel comfortable telling him everything so soon. We are in love but I donít think either of us expects to be so close so fast. His odd behavior hasnít been helping the situation because heís now randomly calling me and asking me where I am and what Iím doing, obviously keeping tabs on me. He even got a bit mad when I had my guy friend over the other day to study with me along with other friends. I told him the truth - that I was hanging out with friends, which I was, and I would never lie to him. Iím pretty mad about him possibly violating my privacy by getting into my phone, so I switched to a fingerprint password. But since I have no proof of his snooping Iím not going to say anything about it.

My history with Mark is basically that we met when I was a sophomore and became really good friends. We were both new to that school, so we had few other friends and we got pretty close. We even dated briefly but quickly realized that we were not interested in each other in that way, but we remained good friends. When college came around we decided to attend different schools but they were close enough that we stayed in touch and occasionally went out together for drinks or coffee. I know him really well and heís currently kind of in a relationship with another girl and I was genuinely happy for him. That was last year but we still kept in contact through the summer. I met my current BF about a year ago and when I told him he was also happy for me because this is my first real relationship.

I know for a fact that Mark and I are platonic friends because weíve discussed this issue many times and it was definitely flirting before I met my BF. But Iíve noticed that since Iíve been with my BF I have toned down on the flirting and am now acting a lot more friendly towards him.

What do you think I should do? I really donít want to get confrontational with him because Iím seeing him tomorrow night!
Be happy your boyfriend does not dump you.

Soulmate my arse. You open yourself up to someone you consider a "soulmate"...that is why the term itself is bullschnitt.

When you say "I know for a fact Mark and I are platonic friends"...do you realize how that sounds to us?

Imagine how that would sound to your Boyfriend if you said that to his face?

Look, you admit to us you dated the guy, and later you toned down flirting but you keep your friends list private from your "soulmate". Also by your own admission you are withholding details.

That withholding of details is called Lying by Omission.

If he did go into your phone he had a gut feeling by how you were acting. and by your post if you have been together a year and this started all of a sudden you need to rethink your own behavior, because your story and his actions concerning it do not make sense to him.

It makes perfect sense to me because people like you come here all the time and it usually ends up with the same result.

You'll soon be released to your destiny. He no longer trusts you. If you can be secretive about what on the surface would seem something fairly innocuous had it been covered early on in the relationship, will only have him wondering what else has he yet to discover about you.


You probably had plenty of chance over the past year to be honest with your bf, but that ship sailed. Anything you try to plead in your own defense will be looked upon with skepticism, most likely because your bf has had to discover these things by himself.
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Old 9th February 2017, 6:10 AM   #5
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I'm sorry OP, but I have to agree with the others: it's you who's acting shifty.

You call this friend "my best guy friend" and yet you've never told your supposed soulmate anything about him. Why?

Were you honest in telling your boyfriend that while you are platonic now, you have in fact dated before?

I can see why you are wondering where your boyfriend got this information from, but honestly, it doesn't look good for you. Perhaps another friend mentioned this Mark and he started asking questions, realizing he didn't even know this person existed. Even if you and this Mark are just friends now, surely you can understand why your boyfriend is suspicious. You have concealed this for some reason, and he's not wrong to wonder why.

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Old 9th February 2017, 6:14 AM   #6
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Be happy your boyfriend does not dump you.

Soulmate my arse. You open yourself up to someone you consider a "soulmate"...that is why the term itself is bullschnitt.

When you say "I know for a fact Mark and I are platonic friends"...do you realize how that sounds to us?

Imagine how that would sound to your Boyfriend if you said that to his face?

Look, you admit to us you dated the guy, and later you toned down flirting but you keep your friends list private from your "soulmate". Also by your own admission you are withholding details.

That withholding of details is called Lying by Omission.

If he did go into your phone he had a gut feeling by how you were acting. and by your post if you have been together a year and this started all of a sudden you need to rethink your own behavior, because your story and his actions concerning it do not make sense to him.

It makes perfect sense to me because people like you come here all the time and it usually ends up with the same result.

You'll soon be released to your destiny. He no longer trusts you. If you can be secretive about what on the surface would seem something fairly innocuous had it been covered early on in the relationship, will only have him wondering what else has he yet to discover about you.


You probably had plenty of chance over the past year to be honest with your bf, but that ship sailed. Anything you try to plead in your own defense will be looked upon with skepticism, most likely because your bf has had to discover these things by himself.
I agree with this too.

Something made him suspicious about you, OP. Can you identify what it was?
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Old 9th February 2017, 6:53 AM   #7
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Hm. There is something familiar about this story.
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Old 9th February 2017, 3:32 PM   #8
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Thank you for your replies. It really helps me to see things from another perspective.

I guess everyone is right that by now I should have told him at least something about Mark. This is probably why he feels threatened by him, although there is absolutely no reason for that. We are just platonic friends and even tho we briefly ďdatedĒ the farthest we ever got was some intense foreplay (touching, a little oral, etc), but we never had sex, and that was way back during the summer after I graduated from high school (2.5 yrs ago). We are just good friends now and neither of us has any desire to go any further than that. Mark knows this and I know this.

The reason Iíve never talked about Mark was basically because he never asked. Weíve only discussed our past relationships briefly and he was sort of dodgy about it and so was I. I think the issue made both of us uncomfortable so we didnít get into too many details. And at this point Iím not sure I should tell my bf anymore about Mark if he doesnít ask because I wouldnít feel comfortable telling him intimate details yet even though I love my bf. I donít think telling him about us would give him any peace. In fact, I think heíd just become even more suspicious.

As far as how he found out about Mark and I, well, Iím really not sure. I have no proof he got into my phone, but I noticed he started questioning me right around the time I left my phone at his place one night, which is why I changed my p/w. But I havenít told him of my suspicions yet. I trust my bf and I would never snoop in his phone or email, and I expect the same from him and he knows this because I made this very clear.
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Old 9th February 2017, 3:58 PM   #9
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The reason I’ve never talked about Mark was basically because he never asked. We’ve only discussed our past relationships briefly and he was sort of dodgy about it and so was I. I think the issue made both of us uncomfortable so we didn’t get into too many details. And at this point I’m not sure I should tell my bf anymore about Mark if he doesn’t ask because I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling him intimate details yet even though I love my bf. I don’t think telling him about us would give him any peace. In fact, I think he’d just become even more suspicious.
All of this is all just justifying, rationalizing and making excuses for why YOU should not be honest, direct, open and straight-forward with your self-assessed
'complete Soul Mate'.
You're also making a lot of guesses and assumptions about how he might or might not feel about, or react to, or deal with, hearing the truth - that he does have the
right to know; it's presumptive and it takes away his right to think, feel, speak and choose for himself, and, thus, it's ultimately manipulative, controlling and disrespectful.

Being able to initiate and/or fully participate in difficult conversations - and remain calm and kind - is a hallmark of adulthood and emotional/psychological maturity, and,
along with effective problem-solving and conflict resolution, is part of a necessary suite of communications skills needed for positive and healthy adult relationships of all types (not just romantic).

If having real conversations and discussions about issues and difficult matters makes you or your current boyfriend 'uncomfortable' - then there really isn't all that much hope for creating and sustaining a long-term happy, fulfilling, mutually-rewarding and fully supportive relationship.

Keep things secret and in the dark, and enjoy the relationship while you can - for however long you two manage to maintain the faÁade and put up with all the secrets and
lies of omission.

Last edited by Ronni_W; 9th February 2017 at 4:11 PM.. Reason: clarification
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Old 9th February 2017, 4:25 PM   #10
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I don't think anyone has suggested that you should have told your bf "at least something" about Mark. You should have been open and honest about your friendships from the beginning.

Your boyfriend should be your best friend. Not some other dude who you used to fool around with.
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Old 9th February 2017, 6:00 PM   #11
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So funny enough I actually just made a post about a similar situation from the opposite side of this. Maybe I can help give some perspective to how he might feel.

Like others have said leaving out certain details is lying by omission. When you told him you were studying with friends, did you leave out the detail where one of them happened to be Mark? Yes that is lying. Maybe you honest to god didn't think anything of it, but really ask yourself if you have purposely left out details in fear he would be upset. If that answer is yes there's a problem.

He might get the impression that your friendship with Mark is more important than your honesty with him. Which would be true.

I understand that you believe nothing will ever happen again between you and Mark and that your bf should trust you, but why would someone who was so trustworthy put themselves in a situation where something is more likely to happen? I could grab my gun, check the chamber, take it apart and put it back together while leaving the clip out knowing with 100% certainty there is no bullet in there. That doesn't mean I'm going to put it to my body and pull the trigger out of trust.
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Old 10th February 2017, 1:35 AM   #12
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Hm. There is something familiar about this story.
hehe lol and yup just seen the reply..walking away
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Old 10th February 2017, 5:03 AM   #13
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OP if you are still reading this I can tell you right now you are playing with fire big time!

I was in your boyfriend's shoes just a few weeks ago I posted all over this forum about it. What happened in the end? I DUMPED HER

At the end of the day her actions were shifty one minute they are old friend's then she admitted they got close at one stage then it was just friends again. She could never be 100% with me her excuse was "Out of fear of hurting me".

But omg your actions are way worse why in the hell would you change your password on your phone? To your boyfriend that screams "I HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE". Even after telling my ex I went through all her messages she still let me have complete access to her phone to prove she was hiding nothing. And I always let her have access to my phone because there was nothing secretive about it.
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Old 10th February 2017, 5:06 AM   #14
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If this guy is your soulmate, I'd hate to see how you treat partners who aren't your soulmate.
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Old 10th February 2017, 11:28 AM   #15
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Mark may be a friend now, but he is not "Just a friend" he is also an Ex of yours (For some of us, me for example, oral and touching is equal to full sex).

Your biggest problem is that you feel you must be considered as perfect and great, and you don't really want to understand your mistakes. It can easily be noticed by the way you describe it. In the same reply you testify that you didn't tell your Bf the truth about Mark because:

1. He didn't ask.
2. He was dodgy about his past relationships, so you did the same.
3. You aren't telling him now because you feel it will make him insecure, he wiil freak out and would not give him any peace.

You better decide which version you choose and stick to it, instead of spreading different reasons that don't match to eachother like someone is blaming you in court.

If you ask me, i don't believe any of your reasons. I believe that you didn't tell him, because if you did, you should have tone down your friendship with Mark. In your eyes, Honesty is not an important value in a relationship, so why should you sacrifice anything because an insignificant "stupid thing" like honesty.

Well, go a head and continue with this, and please come back in few years, tell us how well did it go for you...

I can tell you only that - If immediately after I told my Gf about my suspicions about an other guy, she would have put a password in her phone as a reaction to my suspicions, I wouldn't be angry at all, I would her dumped her in a second.

Last edited by lolablue17; 10th February 2017 at 12:56 PM..
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