My boyfriend is not the type to cheat at all and hates the idea of it. We have been together 3 years and own a house together. He lost his job and put on a lot of weight whereas I was working 80 hours a week. Me rarely had sex anymore and never talked about it. He went on a night out with his single friends and ended up back at his friends house with his friend and 3 girls. 2 of his friends ended up in the other bedrooms with 2 of the girls and my boyfriend stayed to talk to this girl as she was on her own apparently in the living room. They were very drunk and I remember he was when he got home. Basically was he was talking the girl started to undo his belt and he then helped take off his clothes and she jumped on after about 30 secs he realised what he was doing and stopped it and left. The girl has also backed this up after being tricked into it and initially telling lies about Stis. I have decided to give him another chance. I know he loves me and strangely I do trust him because of how guilty and terrible he feels he's so ashamed he's a cheat! My main issue is I can't get over the fact he did it in the first place. I just keep thinking hothis will always be hanging over us. How can I spend my life with a cheat. Will all arguments come back to that? It's only been 2 weeks since I found out but I am struggling to deal with it. I think it's because I never in a. Million years thought he'd cheat.
Just wondering if anyone has any advise how to deal with this?
I have bit of advise.
Get rid of him.
Look at your post. You are not only putting too much blame on the other girl, you basically are justifying his cheating in your first sentences.
Nobody put a gun to his head, and alcohol is no damned excuse. IF he remembered it happening he could have stopped it.
You need to get rid of him. The next time he puts on a few pounds and needs to feel validated he will do it again.
The fact of the matter is you don't know for a fact he won't cheat again...in fact you didn't really know him at all until he showed you who he was,.
Get your head out of the sand and get rid of him or you'll be sorry.
I don't think it's entirely fair what people are saying here.. Sure, it's fine to have a zero tolerance towards cheating, but not everything is always black and white. Not every instance of cheating is immediately the result of malicious, premeditated deceit. I mean, you know your boyfriend, we don't. If you really believe his version of events then I'm sure you have reason to. Whether or not that makes it acceptable or forgivable and whether or not you will be able to work your way through this, is another matter entirely. I can imagine that if it were my boyfriend and even if I believed everything he said, I'd still look at him differently and something between us would be broken.. But maybe you can make it work, only time will tell. Good luck!
I do think for I have seen too many people get cheated on while dating, forgive, get married to the cheater only to have the cheater cheat on them again.
This is the time to dump her BF.
Now the longer that people have been married then add in kids, and other things then motivation to recover the marriage maybe found. The OP ain't even married yet.
I haven't read every post in this thread, but it seems to me that your BF's remorse is genuine and he is taking actions to re-earn your trust. If you are able to forgive him, I would give him another chance.
He feels worthless because he is worthless Chezza. Not because of anything you did. Fat, unemployed, no sex, spending his allowance on drinking games loser.
It's amazing what he did for you, making that sacrifice, but things change. He's devolved into an unhappy wretch and unless he pulls himself together he's not going to change. He's going to keep acting out like the worthless wretch that he is. Punishing you for humiliating him by being the successful one in the relationship. Which is what having sex with her for 30 seconds really was. An F U to you.
If you allow yourself to take the blame for him you won't be able to do what's required, which is give him the ultimatum to shape up or ship out. Find work, lose the weight and stop with the nonsense. You should also probably get him to take his name off the house as a condition of staying so that when he inevitably messes up again you don't have to deal with the headache of getting rid of a guy you co-own your home with.
I suspect quite a few of the people reading forums about cheating have been cheated on, which is naturally going to colour their view. Of course plenty of people who haven't had the experience also see it as black and white and make blanket statements. No one on here can really know your situation and I don't think you should listen to any responses that aren't really listening to and believing what you are saying.
Cheating is never a mistake, it is ALWAYS a choice
While everything we do pretty much is a choice, we all make dumb choices sometimes. If you're lucky you only make dumb choices about little stuff. Of course cheating is a mistake. (What a weird thing to say ) Making a mistake - even a big ****-up mistake doesn't make him a bad person, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he will do it again. It sounds like he is truly remorseful and will probably learn from this mistake.
I think the only way you can know if you can work it out is to give it a go and give it time. It's not like you have to decide right now. Take the time to examine all the good and bad in your relationship, and listen to your heart not strangers on a forum (except me of course )
One last thing to consider: I've never been cheated on so I don't know personally how it feels but I understand going forward trust is a big issue. Will you be able to trust him to not do it again?
On the other hand, especially given you never thought he would, will you ever really trust any guy to not cheat on you?
Who would you trust more - the guy that started to cheat but stopped mid-sex (quite a feat I'd imagine) and was remorseful or the untested guy?
If your BF said he was sitting on the couch & this girl leaned over & kissed him, I could get past that. Even if he said she grabbed him or rubbed his thigh & he immediately stopped it, I could get past it. Somebody gets ambushed, that's not really their fault although there is a lot to be said for not being in a situation (alone, in the dark after drinking) which would lead the ambusher to think the move would be welcome.
But this story -- unzipping him & her hopping on -- the implausibility of that alone would make me assume that my BF must think I am an idiot. For insulting my intelligence almost more so than the cheating I'd be gone.
While I do think his story is implausible, I don't think it's totally beyond the realm of possibility. Pretty close but not totally...
I am one of those that does not regard cheating as an automatic dealbreaker. My feelings are, if you can put it behind you and never let it bother you again, your relationship can continue. OTOH if you can't be sure, 100%, then you need to end it now because it will always come back to haunt you and your relationship will eventually fail.
And before someone says otherwise, yes, I have been cheated on. Came home after work one night and caught my SO (5 yrs into an LDR) in the act. In my case we talked and I had her move out. I decided that it was so much in my face that it couldn't be unseen and I wouldn't be able to get past it.
Cheeza, I'm not going to tell you to forgive him or dump him...that will be up to you. What I do advise is to have a discussion/discussions not only about what happened, but what has happened to your relationship in depth. Maybe spend a few weeks apart to see what direction you want to take things. Once you have done this, you will be able to make a clear conscience decision that you will be satisfied with.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.