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Boyfriend didn't disclose past w coworker


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 10th January 2017, 5:39 PM   #1
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Boyfriend didn't disclose past w coworker

My boyfriend and I recently went through something that I am having trouble getting over. I have told him to please never put me in a situation where I am hanging out with someone he slept with without warning me beforehand. The reason, because I will feel something and if I know I'll know why. I think it's just respect. Obviously if we run into someone that he had a history with unplanned, it's whatever.

Now, my boyfriend did not tell me about the one woman he slept with that I would be seeing regularly and who he sees regularly, his coworker. They slept together over five years ago, once. He told me a story about hooking up with his friend from school (which is technically true) and went into sexual detail about it where he mentioned how good she was at something, but he did not disclose that this was his current coworker. He also told me he had a sex dream about his coworker. Again, did not disclose that he slept with her in real life.

I went to have lunch at his work and she was the only other person in the room. And, I just knew. That she was the friend from school. I was furious that he put me in this position. He said that it slipped his mind, that he didn't think of her that way anymore. I asked why then did sex and her come up twice in our six months of dating?

He says he is very sorry but I'm just having trouble trusting him now. And now, i can't think of her without thinking about the sex story. I really hate this. He said if it was the other way around he wouldn't care, because I am with him. He claims that the sex dream was just a surreal thing and doesn't indicate any desire for her. Any tips?

Last edited by SarahSmiles9; 10th January 2017 at 5:49 PM..
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Old 10th January 2017, 6:00 PM   #2
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Never talk about your sexual past in detail.

I think your problem is from the story that you had no idea what the OW looks like. Now that you know the movie is complete in your head. Not really real before, now very real with a real person.

If she is a friend of his you might try and get to know her. By the way it sounds like they tried it once with no spark many yrs ago. Just shows how stronge the friendship is to be able to stay friends afterwards. If you get to know her, she might just become your bf as well. Honestly it could have slipped his mind. We all forget now and then.

Only red flag I saw was him talking about the dream with her. Might not of even had the dream but was seeing how you would take it. Like a **** test or something.

Last edited by usa1ah; 10th January 2017 at 6:02 PM..
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Old 10th January 2017, 6:06 PM   #3
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I went to have lunch at his work and she was the only other person in the room.
What does this mean? There were no other co-workers at his job? Was this in the lunch room?
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Old 10th January 2017, 6:08 PM   #4
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He works at a bar
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Old 10th January 2017, 6:47 PM   #5
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What does this mean? There were no other co-workers at his job? Was this in the lunch room?
I think the OP is emphasising the fact that his co-worker is not one of dozens/hundreds of people he works with.
He works with her one on one.
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Old 10th January 2017, 7:09 PM   #6
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He said that it slipped his mind, that he didn't think of her that way anymore.
LMFAO!

That's rich.

"It slipped my mind" is the convenient answer given at a War Crimes Trial, not in describing a sexual past with a co worker.

Look, sex does not "slip" guy's minds, specially if it was with a coworker.

It's always on our minds.

And yes I do have a tip for you.....6 months is a fart in a skillet of time spent with someone in the bigger scope of things.

Eject on the relationship like a pilot whose plane is about to go into the crowd at an airshow. And do it Today.

You probably don't know the half of what he has done. If he can remember such details about her sexual prowess, he can certainly remember to tell you he worked with her.

He needs to get more accomplished at being a liar, he stinks at it.
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Old 10th January 2017, 7:13 PM   #7
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SarahSmiles, I think your feelings are valid/normal, but there's a difference between 1. being uncomfortable that your BF had a sexual past with other women who still pop up in his life, and 2. feeling actively threatened by one of these relationships in the present. Are you more 1 or 2?

Meaning, do you have any reason to believe that your BF's friendship with this coworker could pose harm to your current relationship? Have you seen any evidence of lingering feelings or sexual innuendo/flirtation between the two of them? Most importantly, do you completely trust that your BF values you above all else and would never cheat on you or even play around with the possibility?

Ideally, your level of fundamental trust with your BF is high enough that you don't have to let this situation drive you crazy and lead to constant fights.
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Old 11th January 2017, 8:34 AM   #8
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Thanks all for your responses.

I'm not worried that there is something going on with them and I'm not uncomfortable with him being friends with someone he has a sexual history with. He is friends with his last girlfriend and I'm friends with her too. The issue here is the hiding of something and what seems to me like a slight deception. I worry about what it means for the future and being able to trust him in general.
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Old 11th January 2017, 9:00 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by SarahSmiles9 View Post
Thanks all for your responses.

I'm not worried that there is something going on with them and I'm not uncomfortable with him being friends with someone he has a sexual history with. He is friends with his last girlfriend and I'm friends with her too. The issue here is the hiding of something and what seems to me like a slight deception. I worry about what it means for the future and being able to trust him in general.
I think the fact he hid the fact that he had a sexual relationship with her and the fact that you put two and two together and guessed rightly that the co-worker is someone he slept with, is very worrying.
Your spidey senses told you that she was not just another woman, but someone significant to him in a sexual way and you were right.
If he was a person to keep all his dalliances private then I would not be particularly worried but as he is open about others but has kept this one secret then there is a reason for that.

I would not be surprised to find that their relationship is ongoing.
He told you about how good the experience was with his "school friend", and he then told you all about the dream as he wants to speak about her, but wanted you kept in the dark about the true nature of their relationship.
When someone is very interested in another person, they want to speak about them all the time, when that person is attached they may even tell their partner all about this amazing person they cannot stop thinking about...
Be very careful here.
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Old 11th January 2017, 2:54 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by SarahSmiles9 View Post
Thanks all for your responses.
I'm not worried that there is something going on with them and I'm not uncomfortable with him being friends with someone he has a sexual history with. He is friends with his last girlfriend and I'm friends with her too. The issue here is the hiding of something and what seems to me like a slight deception. I worry about what it means for the future and being able to trust him in general.
Are you kidding? This guy seems like the opposite of hiding... he seems like a chronic over-sharer.

Guys are supposed to not talk about who they sleep with!
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