Wife cheated while dating

[nitsor]

Hello all,

 

My first post here so please bear with me... I just need to get this off my chest.

 

I met my now wife 7 years ago when she attended my college as a foreign exchange student. We dated for a full year in person, and then her visa expired and she had to return to her country. Six months after her going back, I flew to her country to visit for a few weeks in the summer. Ten months later, she came back to the US on a work visa. While here, we eloped both in the US and in her country. We have been married three great years since then.

 

My problem is that she just admitted (this week) that she cheated on me during the ten month gap between when I went there and when she returned. She told me she has hung on to this guilt for so long (the incident was basically five years ago) that it has killed her, and she wanted to be fair to me before we had kids. (We got married 20 months after this incident.) (Yes, she should have told me before getting married, which absolutely would have ended things between us.) Just because you commit a wrong and wait a certain amount of time doesn't make it "okay" or any less painful. There is no statute of limitations here.

 

This has crushed me as if it just happened yesterday. It is absolutely devastating to think that the perfection you thought you had simply doesn't exist.

 

Being in a long distance relationship is hard -- no doubt. It really makes you question many things, makes you rethink who you are, whether it's worth it, etc. So I get that temptations can crop up. (Not a justification in any way.) This all came about because she was a tutor in her native country. While tutoring, she typically had only female students. One month, a male student's family approached her to teach their son. She did because she was saving money to come back to the US. A month goes by of her tutoring this guy (two years younger than her) and he suddenly expresses emotions toward her one day, saying things like "I like you" during tutoring sessions. Typically, she tutored while his parents were home. One day, the student's mother prepared food, went off to work and left them alone for a final hour which didn't happen in the six weeks prior (she only tutored him six weeks). This male student insisted they accompany the snacks with wine. He starts kissing her after a full glass of wine, which leads to them in his bedroom... The rest is obvious. He sounds like the aggressor, but she certainly didn't stop him, so full blame all around. She admits that the long distance relationship left her feeling lonely, and that she was flattered by his comments about him liking her. She thought she could "control" the situation with him trying to like her, but she failed miserably.

 

She claims she left in absolute silence, with him texting "Are you okay?" and her not replying. She claims to have been full of guilt and remorse. She went home that night and texted his mom that she can no longer see him for tutoring sessions. He then calls her to say "I don't want any more sessions from you." She swears that was their final contact and that it was the one incident.

 

Even as she told me she begged, cried and pleaded with me saying she has never done anything like that and will never do anything like that again. She has been a fantastic wife for three years being extremely devoted and loving in every way. I know this is a salvageable in a sense since I have heard of stories 1 million times worse where it was repeated, much later in marriage, affecting families, etc. I have been cheated on before with a previous girlfriend, and I can say that the previous girlfriend was a serial cheater, whereas my wife doesn't appear to have this type of personality at all.

 

I just don't know how to get over this... The visual images in my head are so disturbing. It's like a repeated gif that just won't stop. My trust is absolutely obliterated. My happiness has been sapped. I feel duped for having not know before the wedding so I could make an informed, truthful decision.

 

Sorry for ranting here, but this just really hurts... I guess I am posting here for guidance and insight. Maybe the right combination of words and advice can help me to make a decision about how to proceed -- whether staying or going.

 

Thank you all.

Edited November 25, 2015 by nitsor

[mystikmind2005]

If it was me, i would not be that bothered by it at all.... but that is just me, because i have a very dim view and low expectation of long distance relationships. I would not be thinking about the cheating, i would be thinking about how lucky i was to get her back at all!

[WaitingForBardot]

I'm with mystik here. If I were getting what I needed in a marriage in the here and now, I would just accept it and move on. Although I'm not a big fan of coming clean on things like this, for exactly the reason of what you're feeling right now, the fact that she did IMO speaks volumes about how she values your relationship. That's worth keeping, at least IMO.

 

Paraphrasing here: An honest confession is good for the soul..., and hell on your partner.

[Buddhist]

My only guidance is let he feelings come and do nothing in the meantime about your marriage. This is a decision that needs to happen (whichever way) in the calm light of day and with a clear head. You will change your mind a million times before the emotions subside so give yourself space to do that. And then seek couples counselling before you make your final decision.

 

Imho, I think your wife should have kept her secret to the grave rather than washing her conscience on you. Her guilt was her karma to bear.

Edited November 26, 2015 by Buddhist

[drifter777]

First off, your wife is lying, omitting and/or minimizing the sex stuff - they all do. She's telling you enough to clear her conscience but holding back the rest. I know this won't help the disgusting mental images that bombard you - sorry.

 

Thank God you don't have kids! And don't consider for 1 second having kids with your wife. What you are feeling is only going to get worse and to knowingly bring a child into all this is wrong. End your marriage. Don't throw away this chance to find someone and start over with a clean slate.

Edited November 26, 2015 by drifter777

[Spectre]

*shakes head* People are actually here saying crap like her cheating and then revealing it SEVEN YEARS LATER shows she values the relationship. Uh, wait, what? Another poster said this guy would be lucky to get this cheating female back. Seriously? Long distance is no excuse to cheat and people here are sweeping it under the rug like she did a good thing by revealing it many years later. I'm sorry, but no. Get this horrid woman out of your life. No reason to stay with someone who has no respect for you. Also someone said she should of kept this secret, but she has absolutely no right to deceive him like this. Op, please don't listen to the people telling you that you should feel lucky over this. You should feel disgusted and you should divorce her.

[sandylee1]

LDRs are difficult TBH. It's in the past and she's come clean when she didn't have to.... you'd have never known about it. In your position.. I would not get divorced. She's shown how bad she felt about it and I don't think she's going to repeat it. There's a huge difference in dating and marriage. It was also a ONS and not a repeated action.

 

A lot of harsh responses come from BHs (betrayed husbands) who can't let go... so be aware of that when reading responses.

[Buddhist]

Also someone said she should of kept this secret, but she has absolutely no right to deceive him like this. Op, please don't listen to the people telling you that you should feel lucky over this. You should feel disgusted and you should divorce her.

 

I understand why you hold this view and yes I think that is deception as well. But look at the outcome here. This guy has had his entire world rocked because she wanted to clear her own conscience at his expense. If she had any love for him at all, she would not have done that.

 

Her whole motive for exposing him like that was because she felt guilty. Well my attitude is she should feel guilty and perhaps feel guilty for the rest of her life because those are her actions. Now she's conveniently washed her hands clean of her own conscience by hurting him. To tell him now, was an act of selfishness, pure selfishness. She should have told him before the wedding or forever held her peace and suffered internally about it.

 

I have my own thoughts about what he should do, but this is his marriage and his choice not mine. Do I think his wife is a wonderful person? Not by a long shot. But I advised him to do what I did not for her benefit but for his. If he has a knee jerk reaction, ends the marriage and divorces her then later regrets or second guesses that decision, who is going to suffer? He will. I'm not telling him to stay in the marriage or forgive his wife. I'm telling him to put everything on hold until he is absolutely clear and ready to make a decision on the matter. That way, he will be certain he is making the right decision for himself from a place of stability, not in the heat of the moment.

 

I'm far from defending the wife of thinking that secrets should be kept in relationships. But she waited so damn long to come out with it and now one has to wonder who got good out of that little decision of hers? Well, she did of course. Not to mention one has to wonder about the motive for coming out with it now? Is she looking for a divorce to take him to the cleaners and start over? He needs legal advice too before he takes any action at all. This smells a lot like a visa marriage and how they normally go. Wife is devoted until can qualify for residency in own right then seeks divorce, shacks up with boyfriend and lives off alimony.

Edited November 27, 2015 by Buddhist

[Heer]

Hi, I'm so sorry she cheated on you :mad: I would definitely talk to her face to face to find out the truth. She may only be giving you bits about the affair and not tell you the entire story. Like, trying to sugarcoat the affair. Second of all, I feel that you have the right to be mad but also understand her good qualities. Take some alone time if you need to because its useless to rush this process. You will eventually have to forgive her if you want to continue the relationship. By forgiving her I hope that you genuinely forgive her, because its pointless to fake that. You know deep down if she loves you:love: and I hope you find the compassion to show her forgiveness.

 

Don't throw away the 99% because of the 1%

[Poutrew]

If you decide to stay in the marriage, you can just tell her that this union will not work unless both of you are true equals in it. Since she lowered herself by cheating on you, the only way you can keep things equal is to cheat on her - once. Tell her that her infidelity gives you a free pass to have a carnal relationship with some other woman. Make sure you let her know this is not a revenge affair, but one you need to have in order to keep the balance equal in the relationship. You don't know when you will exercise this free pass, and perhaps you never will. Just the fact that it exists may be enough to keep you happy.

 

 

You can even offer to tell her in advance who, what, where, and all the nitty details if she wants - you are hiding nothing. Any unintended consequence of you putting your sex organ into the other woman, such as STDs or pregnancy, will be dealt with as they arise.

If she doesn't like the arraignment, then you can tell her "Good. You selfishly tried to absolve the guilt of your infidelity by moving it onto me. This places it right back onto your shoulders, where it belongs."

[sandylee1]

The idea of getting a free pass is not a good one. You are married and have taken vows of fidelity now... you weren't married then. She cheated ... so I don't condone it... but a free pass to use when you like just shows you're not all in.

 

Someone who couldn't keep this secret is not made to be a cheat. True cheaters are happy to live a double life with burner phones and secret email accounts to carry out their deception. She's not like that at all. I think she should have told you before marriage.... but judge her on her remorse and make sure she knows what a wayward spouse should know....if you intend to stay with her.

 

Perhaps couples counselling would help to gain trust again.

[Sgthaytham]

There were two paths you could have taken:

 

1) The path you took, which was to feel insecure and angry about it.

 

2) The path you should have taken, which was to brush it off as a "nothing" and moved on with your lives.

 

 

You were dating at the time, or at least that's what the OP title says... so you weren't serious... so it shouldn't matter one bit.

 

Now you're just showing that you're insecure to your wife.

 

Take it on the chin.

[almond]

There were two paths you could have taken:

 

1) The path you took, which was to feel insecure and angry about it.

 

2) The path you should have taken, which was to brush it off as a "nothing" and moved on with your lives.

 

 

You were dating at the time, or at least that's what the OP title says... so you weren't serious... so it shouldn't matter one bit.

 

Now you're just showing that you're insecure to your wife.

 

Take it on the chin.

 

What?

[mike_89]

There are two things very wrong about this:

 

1) This woman has taken your free will away from you. I don't know if she intended to do so, but she has. She kept this a secret for years, until after you got married. If she had really cared that much she would've told you BEFORE you got married, when you still had the choice to leave her without serious consequences for yourself, such paying alimony (if you're making more than your wife) and thousands of dollars of divorce costs (mind you, the average US divorce costs $15 000!!). The choice you have now is between staying with a woman who cheated on you and losing a serious amount of your money for the years to come, compared to the choice you should have had: staying with a woman who cheated on you and simply leaving her. This puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

 

2) What will you do when you decide to have kids together? How will you know that your kids actually are your kids? How will you know that if you have to do a business trip or whatever abroad for 3 months, you won't come home to a pregnant wife who is going to lie about the father? Sure, she won't cheat again in the current circumstances if I read your story. But what if circumstances similar to the circumstances when she cheated the first time occur once again? What if you already have kids, they're about 10 years old, and you find out she has cheated on you again, would you stay then with her or would you leave her? There are kids in the equation now, and in this scenario you have to think about their feelings and future as well. These are very serious things to consider, divorce hurts both partners but the real victims of divorce are the children.

 

Think all of this through, especially the children part, and what you want for your own future. Do you want children? And if so, would you want children with your current wife, considering the above?

[Spectre]

I understand why you hold this view and yes I think that is deception as well. But look at the outcome here. This guy has had his entire world rocked because she wanted to clear her own conscience at his expense. If she had any love for him at all, she would not have done that.

 

Yes but see no..you can't say if she had any love for him she would of kept her cheating a secret. If she had any love for him she'd of rather torn her own arm off then cheat.

 

Frankly so what if he had his entire world rocked? It is better then living a lie. Too many people take an attitude like yours and use it as an excuse not to tell. They very very wrongly tell themselves it would be selfish to tell the truth now. Of course it's always funny how they begin worrying about their partners feelings *after* cheating, isn't it? I have always found that amusing and the audacity needed for one to tell themselves they are doing their partner a favor by lying is..monumental.

 

Her whole motive for exposing him like that was because she felt guilty. Well my attitude is she should feel guilty and perhaps feel guilty for the rest of her life because those are her actions. Now she's conveniently washed her hands clean of her own conscience by hurting him. To tell him now, was an act of selfishness, pure selfishness. She should have told him before the wedding or forever held her peace and suffered internally about it.

 

But see no, don't say this because people here will see it and cheat and not tell right away and then foolishly convince themselves they are now doing a GOOD THING by keeping quiet. To tell him was the right thing to do, she had no right at all to keep it from him, period. It doesn't matter why she told him, he deserved to know. Doesn't matter if it happened a century ago, he deserves to know. People don't get to act like little martyrs and like they are taking one for the team by "suffering" with this guilt forever, all the while being content to leave their partner in the dark.

 

I have my own thoughts about what he should do, but this is his marriage and his choice not mine. Do I think his wife is a wonderful person? Not by a long shot. But I advised him to do what I did not for her benefit but for his. If he has a knee jerk reaction, ends the marriage and divorces her then later regrets or second guesses that decision, who is going to suffer? He will. I'm not telling him to stay in the marriage or forgive his wife. I'm telling him to put everything on hold until he is absolutely clear and ready to make a decision on the matter. That way, he will be certain he is making the right decision for himself from a place of stability, not in the heat of the moment.

 

If he regretted divorcing this woman it would just show how much this woman hurt him because he'd have to be delirious to want her back. Mentally healthy people with integrity and self respect would never tolerate this kind of behavior, period.

 

I'm far from defending the wife of thinking that secrets should be kept in relationships. But she waited so damn long to come out with it and now one has to wonder who got good out of that little decision of hers? Well, she did of course. Not to mention one has to wonder about the motive for coming out with it now? Is she looking for a divorce to take him to the cleaners and start over? He needs legal advice too before he takes any action at all. This smells a lot like a visa marriage and how they normally go. Wife is devoted until can qualify for residency in own right then seeks divorce, shacks up with boyfriend and lives off alimony.

 

You say she got "good" out of this, but she comes off looking like utter trash, looking lower then low. He has his eyes opened to the truth and now has the chance to live without some deceitful witch sapping the damn life out of him year after year with her lies. It's time this man found a woman who can touch holy water without catching on fire.

 

Lies have no expiration date, there is no set amount of time that can pass where suddenly NOT confessing that you cheated is the right thing to do. I see it all the time, people think they are doing someone a favor by "protecting" them from this. What they don't get is they have no right whatsoever to do that. They do not have the right to decide which lies another person could handle and which they could not. It's a horrid person indeed who thinks they have the right to steal someone's life away.

 

This is why I scoff when people say vampires are not real. Oh no..we definitely have things out there that will drain and drain and drain your life away. Then if you divorce them they feel they are owed alimony, which is all kinds of hilarious. Of course it stops being hilarious when you realize a decent number of times they indeed do get the alimony. Silly me thinking marriage was a partnership and not a "you have to take care of me like a child even if we split up, even if we split up because I cheated".

 

But hey we do have that huge list of men who cheated on their wives and were still paid alimony after divorcing, right? *crickets chirping*

Edited December 5, 2015 by Spectre

[No Limit]

Do you really want to have to worry about what your wife is doing whenever you're off to a business trip or gone for more than a couple of days? Sorry, but this isn't someone you should have children with.

[nitsor]

I agree with this thought. I once had a girlfriend who cheated on me (didn't marry this one obviously, lol). This girl was a chronic liar who had duplicate accounts, phones, etc. just to hide her behavior. It does take a certain person to cheat continuously and habitually. All cheating is bad, but I do suppose some people can make mistakes once and change -- though it's hard to say when that's the case.

[nitsor]

I certainly see where you're coming from, and I agree with that mindset. I have conveyed this to her over and over and she swears it was due to the 10 month distance with no "light at the end of the tunnel" for if and/or when we'd ever see each other again. I certainly empathize with this difficulty, though I was clearly stronger at that difficult time in our relationship. It's hard to say this is the same as a business trip. If she goes and does something like that for a simple 3-day stint out of town, I have bigger problems on my hands for sure.

[nitsor]

I most certainly agree with you and see where you're coming from. It's a dark, disgusting elephant in the room that I am always aware of. Frankly I'm amazed that couples get through this and come out "stronger" or "better" in any way, though I've read many examples of this happening. I suppose you have to ask what kind of person it is who did this to you. The sad part is, the decision you make from this won't reveal whether it was good or bad for a number of years.

[nitsor]

"There's a huge difference in dating and marriage."

 

This is something that I have heard on numerous occasions when telling only a couple of close people about this. I do agree there is a difference. Plus, we were in a very, very difficult situation at the time with no end in sight for this long distance relationship. She has owned up to her mistake -- albeit, much, much too late.

 

I am not sure how my mind will cope with this going forward, but I do see where you're coming from. I don't see her as the type of person to do something like this repeatedly, but I will always be paranoid about it now if I stay.

[nitsor]

Juts going to re-quote the response.

[nitsor]

My only guidance is let he feelings come and do nothing in the meantime about your marriage. This is a decision that needs to happen (whichever way) in the calm light of day and with a clear head. You will change your mind a million times before the emotions subside so give yourself space to do that. And then seek couples counselling before you make your final decision.

 

Imho, I think your wife should have kept her secret to the grave rather than washing her conscience on you. Her guilt was her karma to bear.

I do agree with many of your points, but keeping permanent silence doesn't seem like a constructive solution regardless of when it was hidden. There's no "cut off" for when you cannot say it, and there's also no statute of limitations for when the pain stops hurting from an ordeal like this. It hurts, but it needs to be let out. I am glad she mentioned it. It allows me to know the truth of my past, rather than for me to live some lie. In fact, one of the immediate pains is knowing that much of your past perfection and happiness was indeed false -- at least to an extent.

 

I'd say she's not a green card abuser. This girl gave up her entire family and every single friend she knew to come here and be here to study and work. It's not some girl sitting around waiting for the green card to come.

 

I am in no way defending what she did -- just sharing my view on some of the potential responses I've seen here. What she did is flat out wrong and there is no excuse for it -- ever. I'm still struggling on my end.

[nitsor]

Do you really want to have to worry about what your wife is doing whenever you're off to a business trip or gone for more than a couple of days? Sorry, but this isn't someone you should have children with.

Replying with in-line quote -- sorry.

 

I certainly see where you're coming from, and I agree with that mindset. I have conveyed this to her over and over and she swears it was due to the 10 month distance with no "light at the end of the tunnel" for if and/or when we'd ever see each other again. I certainly empathize with this difficulty, though I was clearly stronger at that difficult time in our relationship. It's hard to say this is the same as a business trip. If she goes and does something like that for a simple 3-day stint out of town, I have bigger problems on my hands for sure.

[sandylee1]

I believe you can trust her. A nasty sneaky person would not tell you the truth.. they would not have a conscience... your wife isn't like this. Just have honesty and transparency from hereon and I reckon you'll be just fine.

 

Good luck

[Spectre]

I believe you can trust her. A nasty sneaky person would not tell you the truth.. they would not have a conscience... your wife isn't like this. Just have honesty and transparency from hereon and I reckon you'll be just fine.

 

Good luck

 

Sorry, did this woman admit to this 3 seconds after cheating? No? Then she IS sneaky and nasty and not to be trusted. You don't get brownie points for being honest only after you've stolen years of the persons life.

 

His wife cheated, kept it from him for years, had the audacity to think she could marry him WITHOUT divulging this and then you are speaking about how this awful woman has a conscience? When a person with a conscience wouldn't cheat nor would they wait until they were married for years before admitting it.

 

I just hope either you are making a very sick joke or you didn't read the thread and were under the impression she cheated and then immediately confessed to this and did it before ever walking down the aisle. Were you under that impression? Your reply makes no sense otherwise, why is being truthful many years later after robbing the OP of many years of his life the sign of a conscience to you?

Edited December 25, 2015 by Spectre