BelaTarr Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I've been dating this girl for about 3.5 years now, and I've always had suspicions that she was bisexual, and those suspicions were recently confirmed by her. "Cool", I thought in the moment. "This doesn't change anything." However, she recently explained to me that because she has had these feelings her entire life and has never acted on them, she feels a void in herself, like an entire avenue of her personality has gone unexplored. I was initially supportive despite some trepidation, but the more time I've had with the idea, the more it upsets me. I love her very much, and I know she loves me too. I want her to fulfill this urge (she told me "it feels wrong but necessary"), but I know I'll feel a lot of jealousy if she does. I'm a pretty possessive person as it is. To make matters worse, her best shot at fulfilling this is a girl she met recently at work, a lesbian who is currently in an unhappy relationship and wanting to break it off. The girl admitted to having feelings for my girl a little while ago but the two continue to text and chat at a pretty consistent rate. I think it would be worse if she hooked up with a friend as opposed to a stranger. She has explicitly stated that threesomes are off the table as is the possibility of me straying from the relationship with another person of either gender (I am also bi). I dont even want to be with anyone else, but itd be nice if she would grant me the same freedom shes requesting. Ultimately, I don't know if she'll ever even be put into the position where she'll have the opportunity to hook up with another girl, but it occupies my thoughts quite often. I want her to be happy and experience this thing she feels is lacking from her life, but I don't know how I'll ever be comfortable with it. Any advice or similar stories would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Why would you be upset if your girlfriend had sex a few times with a woman, if she didn't get into a relationship with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BelaTarr Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Why would you be upset if your girlfriend had sex a few times with a woman, if she didn't get into a relationship with her? I have trouble getting over the idea of her being with anyone else, man or woman. I get that the idea of her with another girl is arousing, and it might be easier to handle if I were involved in some way (participater, voyeur), but this has been a strictly monogamous relationship, so the idea of sharing her, of someone else giving her the pleasure only I have been able to give her for the last three and a half years is off putting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 What's your girlfriend's justification for "I can do it, but YOU can't"?!? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BelaTarr Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 What's your girlfriend's justification for "I can do it, but YOU can't"?!? She seems to think her situation is different because it's something she's been struggling with her entire life. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 As a bi-male, put yourself in her shoes. You know how you feel about men. Now imagine never having explored that but still feeling it. Like an itch that you can't scratch. Right? That's the difference between you and her. You've scratched the itch. She hasn't. Ok now suppose you are in her shoes. She's bi and has experienced both. You're bi and haven't. How would you make peace with it? Could you? Would you be able to resist? Would it eat you up inside wondering... Just wondering. There are no easy answers on this brother. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 She seems to think her situation is different because it's something she's been struggling with her entire life. It's up to you whether you are willing to accept that reasoning or not. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think her reasoning is pretty much a copout. If I acted on every impulse, urge or fantasy I've ever had - I'd be dead or in jail. Humans have reasoning and impulse control for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 She seems to think her situation is different because it's something she's been struggling with her entire life. Oh, then feign a struggle over your bisexuality, and then you, too, will be able to dabble at a same-sex relationship with as much - or as little - peril to her. Yes, I'm being facetious...as she, too, must be if she honestly believes that THAT is justification for her fooling around while in a relationship, while you're forbidden to. Either you're both in an exclusive relationship, or you both are NOT in an exclusive relationship. The moment one - or the other - of you turns to another person, it is no longer exclusive... ...no matter how one chooses to label - or justify - it. Best of luck to you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) She seems to think her situation is different because it's something she's been struggling with her entire life. Thats horse sh*t. If she wants to screw around with a girl, thats fine. But you should have same benefit. So many people pull this crap and come up with stupid justifications for why the other partner can't do the same. My friend is dating a porn star that screws other men 3 to 5 days a week. When asked if he could have no strings sex as well, she said no. One sided relationships like this are very unhealthy and only breed resentment. But in all honesty, it doesn't matter what you decide. I have a feeling she is going to screw a woman wether you give her the ok or not. Not to mention, whats to say that her fling doesn't open pandora's box and causes her to reevaluate her sexual preferences. I really think that you should just let this relationship go and let her do her own thing and you do yours. If you guys get back together, then so be it. But I don't think what she is proposing is any way fair to you. You didn't sign up for this when you started dating and she has absolutely no idea what this can cause to your relationship. Don't let this woman gamble with your sanity. Edited August 4, 2015 by jbrent890 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 OP, remove the "bisexuality" from it; what if she'd been a virgin and you'd had one other experience before her...would that be justification for her to go outside the relationship 'to see what she'd missed'? What if she'd had several partners before, but had never experienced an Asian guy? An uncircumcised penis? Would it be OK for her to try it out? The time to worry about what you might have/might be missing out on is before you get exclusive...not during/after. Unfortunately, if she's really serious about this (she can be unfaithful but you can't), you might have to break up...or, run the risk of her liking this girl/the bisexual lifestyle enough that she breaks up with you...or, you stay together and are OK with her cheating while you remain faithful. Again, best of luck to you...those seem like pretty sh*tty choices, since you're so sure you only want to be with her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 As a bi-male, put yourself in her shoes. You know how you feel about men. Now imagine never having explored that but still feeling it. Like an itch that you can't scratch. Right? That's the difference between you and her. You've scratched the itch. She hasn't. Ok now suppose you are in her shoes. She's bi and has experienced both. You're bi and haven't. How would you make peace with it? Could you? Would you be able to resist? Would it eat you up inside wondering... Just wondering. There are no easy answers on this brother. I think people should put themselves in their partner's shoes on certain issues such should look at things from their partner's aspect, however I still think it is unfair to open the relationship just for her to have bi sex and not him, despite what you wrote. For me I wouldn't give unilateral permission for her to fulfill her fantasy even though I would want to make her happy it should be a two way street otherwise he's getting cucked. What about if a guy who intended to be get married with his gf but had never had any ONS/FWBs or a guy in a marriage who always wanted S&M but never had a gf who was into it, but now found a woman at work who was into it and also him. I don't think their partners would be so cool with letting them catch up on missed fantasies while they sit at home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 The time to worry about what you might have/might be missing out on is before you get exclusive...not during/after. That's right. I guess you really don't want to meet that 'awesome you'll never do better' bf/gf too early in your life....or make the most of your early single life (some do some don't).....or find a great gf/bf who has a very liberated attitude to sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think people should put themselves in their partner's shoes on certain issues such should look at things from their partner's aspect, however I still think it is unfair to open the relationship just for her to have bi sex and not him, despite what you wrote. For me I wouldn't give unilateral permission for her to fulfill her fantasy even though I would want to make her happy it should be a two way street otherwise he's getting cucked. What about if a guy who intended to be get married with his gf but had never had any ONS/FWBs or a guy in a marriage who always wanted S&M but never had a gf who was into it, but now found a woman at work who was into it and also him. I don't think their partners would be so cool with letting them catch up on missed fantasies while they sit at home. Sexual orientation is a little more fudamental than BDSM and ONS's. Like I said - no easy answers on this one. I've never been through this sort of thing before but a buddy of mine had. Didn't turn out well. Back when I was dating I always always a little relieved when a woman would confess to have slept with another woman. I was like - don't have to worry about that conversation! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BelaTarr Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 OP, remove the "bisexuality" from it; what if she'd been a virgin and you'd had one other experience before her...would that be justification for her to go outside the relationship 'to see what she'd missed'? What if she'd had several partners before, but had never experienced an Asian guy? An uncircumcised penis? Would it be OK for her to try it out? The time to worry about what you might have/might be missing out on is before you get exclusive...not during/after. Unfortunately, if she's really serious about this (she can be unfaithful but you can't), you might have to break up...or, run the risk of her liking this girl/the bisexual lifestyle enough that she breaks up with you...or, you stay together and are OK with her cheating while you remain faithful. Again, best of luck to you...those seem like pretty sh*tty choices, since you're so sure you only want to be with her. I hadn't thought of it in this way, but I think I agree with your way of thinking. I might have to adopt this argument for future discussions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BelaTarr Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) As a bi-male, put yourself in her shoes. You know how you feel about men. Now imagine never having explored that but still feeling it. Like an itch that you can't scratch. Right? That's the difference between you and her. You've scratched the itch. She hasn't. Ok now suppose you are in her shoes. She's bi and has experienced both. You're bi and haven't. How would you make peace with it? Could you? Would you be able to resist? Would it eat you up inside wondering... Just wondering. There are no easy answers on this brother. I understand where you're coming from; however, I have never acted on my bisexuality. I was a little disingenuous in my original post. Her first sexual experience was technically with a girl; she was young enough at the time that I buy the "it doesn't count as I didn't really know what I was doing" argument. But even as a bisexual male with zero experience in that field, I'm not lying awake at night pondering what life would be like if only. I guess everyone is different. Her desires might consume her more than mine. It's a tough situation. This is by far the best relationship Ive ever been in. I'd hate to lose it. I appreciate the responses I've gotten. Thanks everyone. Edited August 4, 2015 by BelaTarr Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Bela, I think you need to do some reading and investigating if you have not already because what she is proposing may sound benign if it stays at that but the reality might not be so easy to digest. Lets leave aside the unfairness of her stating that she can do something that you cannot. That should not fly to begin with. If she starts to date or meet other females, she is undoubtedly going to also meet some females who are also bi sexual ( like men too) and the next thing you know she is going to come home from a d "date" and tell you she actually got drunk or something and actually did have sex with another man also edven though it was not planned. If you go to a polyamory forum you will read about how a lot of problems in non monogamous relationships are caused when one person starts to violate the boundaries initially agreed upon and once the genie is out of the bottle it is hard to put back in. So I see two dangers for you if you go down this road (1) she becomes emotionally and in "love" with another woman and you are repolaced as the primary person in her life. (2) she decides that she also wants to explore with men outside your relationship. People in non monogamous relationships accept the fact that what they are getting in to can alter or end their current relationship. Just something to think about before taking the leap. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I understand where you're coming from; however, I have never acted on my bisexuality. I was a little disingenuous in my original post. Her first sexual experience was technically with a girl; she was young enough at the time that I buy the "it doesn't count as I didn't really know what I was doing" argument. But even as a bisexual male with zero experience in that field, I'm not lying awake at night pondering what life would be like if only. I guess everyone is different. Her desires might consume her more than mine. It's a tough situation. This is by far the best relationship Ive ever been in. I'd hate to lose it. I appreciate the responses I've gotten. Thanks everyone. Whoa! Okay then given this new info I retract my earlier counsel. What she is asking for smacks of hypocrisy. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I understand where you're coming from; however, I have never acted on my bisexuality. I was a little disingenuous in my original post. Her first sexual experience was technically with a girl; she was young enough at the time that I buy the "it doesn't count as I didn't really know what I was doing" argument. But even as a bisexual male with zero experience in that field, I'm not lying awake at night pondering what life would be like if only. I guess everyone is different. Her desires might consume her more than mine. It's a tough situation. This is by far the best relationship Ive ever been in. I'd hate to lose it. I appreciate the responses I've gotten. Thanks everyone. I know you would hate for this relationship to end. However, in my experience, whenever someone suggests opening up the relationship, either it already is or it is going to be whether the person being asked approves or it or not. Are you positive that this girl would not go behind your back and pursue. Your original post has me very worried that this might happen if you turn down her proposal. Link to post Share on other sites
PapaG Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Let her out of her cage, if she is in contact with a woman she is attracted too she will find an excuse to test out her feelings. Maybe you can take a break while she explores and you do the same and see if those feelings are still there. I dont think its a matter of if she will do it but a matter of when. You cant stop anyone from doing what they want to do whether good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
hakim Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Lol this is exactly why I tend to avoid openly bisexual women. It's all good when your relationship is purely FWBs, but when it comes to committed relationships, it's just too hot to handle. Call me whatever you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hakim Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I have seen this discussion happen often when a guy was dating a bisexual woman. Often enough that I generally don't date them myself. If I were you, I would break things off with her right now. She is going to have sex with another woman, there is nothing you can do about that. Best to bow out and save a little bit of your dignity in the process. Find a woman that knows how to stay faithful. I agree, I would bail OP, ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Well, if your not filling that void why are you both still together? Sorry to be direct, but if she loved you she wouldn't want to have sex with a co-worker to explore bi sexual feelings. Of course, she can do this with someone else but you can't. Its all about her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hakim Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Well, if your not filling that void why are you both still together? Sorry to be direct, but if she loved you she wouldn't want to have sex with a co-worker to explore bi sexual feelings. Of course, she can do this with someone else but you can't. Its all about her. Totally correct! When I'm in a loving relationship with a girl, I have NO interest in having sex with other women. I might think about having sex with other women, but that's perfectly normal. Your GF actually wants to have sex with women ... BIG difference. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I've been dating this girl for about 3.5 years now, and I've always had suspicions that she was bisexual, and those suspicions were recently confirmed by her. "Cool", I thought in the moment. "This doesn't change anything." However, she recently explained to me that because she has had these feelings her entire life and has never acted on them, she feels a void in herself, like an entire avenue of her personality has gone unexplored. I was initially supportive despite some trepidation, but the more time I've had with the idea, the more it upsets me. I love her very much, and I know she loves me too. I want her to fulfill this urge (she told me "it feels wrong but necessary"), but I know I'll feel a lot of jealousy if she does. I'm a pretty possessive person as it is. To make matters worse, her best shot at fulfilling this is a girl she met recently at work, a lesbian who is currently in an unhappy relationship and wanting to break it off. The girl admitted to having feelings for my girl a little while ago but the two continue to text and chat at a pretty consistent rate. I think it would be worse if she hooked up with a friend as opposed to a stranger. She has explicitly stated that threesomes are off the table as is the possibility of me straying from the relationship with another person of either gender (I am also bi). I dont even want to be with anyone else, but itd be nice if she would grant me the same freedom shes requesting. Ultimately, I don't know if she'll ever even be put into the position where she'll have the opportunity to hook up with another girl, but it occupies my thoughts quite often. I want her to be happy and experience this thing she feels is lacking from her life, but I don't know how I'll ever be comfortable with it. Any advice or similar stories would be greatly appreciated. It's very simple: you tell her ..."Either we can BOTH do this - or neither of us can. You don't get my permission to screw around, while assuming you can dictate that I can't. Doesn't work that way. It's one or the other. Ball's in your court: Choose." This will tell you where her heart truly lies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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