Eighty_nine Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) i found out my relationship was a total sham recently. my boyfriend cheated on me, i did think that it might really be able to be resolved however i talked to his exes (which he knows about and apparently was ok with) and he definitely has a long history of cheating and lying behavior. he wants to stay together and i'm playing along for now but i know we have absolutely no future. basically, we're still in a relationship, i haven't cut him off, but i'm dating other people. trying to process what's been a nightmare- i went from thinking i was in a great relationship with a great person to realizing it was all fake and phony. he treated me very well (manipulators always do, right? easier to trick us that way) and I'm having a really hard time letting go of all of the positive attention and affection that made me so happy over the last 5 months. my "plan" is to see him a lot less, not bring him around any friends/family, talk to him less, date other people, until I'm more used to the idea of him not being around. Until I am better adjusted to the fact that he's not the person I thought he was. I have no delusions about the relationship, I know it's not going anywhere, it's over, he's incapable of being faithful to anyone (of course he says now it's different, he wants to be different and he'll do anything to prove it blah blah blah. the whole string of bull**** that these kinds of people say. He's even sending me screen shots of his punch in clock to prove when he comes into and leaves work, timestamps from his computer to prove he's home etc. How long is he thinking he can keep the BS up?) I'm going to get destroyed for even suggesting anything other than NC, I know that. But it's so hard to immediately cut off what was such a positive person in my life without any adjustment time. :( Edited March 25, 2015 by lissvarna 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 No, cold turkey will give you a much better outcome in much less time. Rip the plaster off, it hurts more initially but it heals quicker. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 You know exactly why and how he is bad for you. If you remain connected to him all you will get is more of the same. You know that, don't you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 It was a gut instinct after all and not a commitment phobia.. Sorry to hear that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 i found out my relationship was a total sham recently. my boyfriend cheated on me, i did think that it might really be able to be resolved however i talked to his exes (which he knows about and apparently was ok with) and he definitely has a long history of cheating and lying behavior. he wants to stay together and i'm playing along for now but i know we have absolutely no future. basically, we're still in a relationship, i haven't cut him off, but i'm dating other people. trying to process what's been a nightmare- i went from thinking i was in a great relationship with a great person to realizing it was all fake and phony. he treated me very well (manipulators always do, right? easier to trick us that way) and I'm having a really hard time letting go of all of the positive attention and affection that made me so happy over the last 5 months. my "plan" is to see him a lot less, not bring him around any friends/family, talk to him less, date other people, until I'm more used to the idea of him not being around. Until I am better adjusted to the fact that he's not the person I thought he was. I have no delusions about the relationship, I know it's not going anywhere, it's over, he's incapable of being faithful to anyone (of course he says now it's different, he wants to be different and he'll do anything to prove it blah blah blah. the whole string of bull**** that these kinds of people say. He's even sending me screen shots of his punch in clock to prove when he comes into and leaves work, timestamps from his computer to prove he's home etc. How long is he thinking he can keep the BS up?) I'm going to get destroyed for even suggesting anything other than NC, I know that. But it's so hard to immediately cut off what was such a positive person in my life without any adjustment time. :( Think band-aid on your forearm. The tape covers the hairs on your arm. Is yanking it off better, or is pulling it centimeter by centimeter better? Your method is akin to pulling it centimeter by centimeter and in the end, it's going to cause you more pain than if you just cut it off, go NC, block him every which way and go on with your life. You will adjust fine. Give yourself over to the grief process and let it do it's job. It's going to wait on you anyway, so distracting yourself isn't going to work, either. The only way through it is through it, not around it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 It was a gut instinct after all and not a commitment phobia.. Sorry to hear that. Oh yeah, definitely should've followed my intuition sooner. He's kind of awful, borderline sociopathic because of how well he presented himself as something he's totally not. So me continuing to have him in my life (in this really phony way), is basically just me trying to avoid pain, right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Oh yeah, definitely should've followed my intuition sooner. He's kind of awful, borderline sociopathic because of how well he presented himself as something he's totally not. So me continuing to have him in my life (in this really phony way), is basically just me trying to avoid pain, right? Yes. It's not going to help you. It will only prolong the pain. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Just rip the band aid off and let yourself heal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnsonBaby Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Hold on ...help me understand ,you two are in a relationship but you re dating other people?how does it work ? What's the point? Know your worth and move on ,completley. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Oh yeah, definitely should've followed my intuition sooner. He's kind of awful, borderline sociopathic because of how well he presented himself as something he's totally not. So me continuing to have him in my life (in this really phony way), is basically just me trying to avoid pain, right? Absolutely. Out of experience, just cut him off completely. It's going to hurt but then you'll be ok. If you postpone it it'll be a slow and persistent emotional hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 and he definitely has a long history of cheating and lying behavior. he wants to stay together and i'm playing along for now but i know we have absolutely no future. Then really, why bother? He is not trustworthy, he lied and cheated on you. He isn't long term or husband material - So why stay? Why slowly detach and still spend time with him? The sooner you end it completely and allow yourself to grieve the loss, the quicker you can heal and be at peace. To stay with him is pointless and a game, a waste of time of your precious life. Are you still intimate and having sex? If so, WHY? Why put yourself at risk, why do stay with someone you have NO future with? What are you afraid of, why can't you kick him out and end it once and for all? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 You realize if you do this you are no better then he is, right? So you have no real ground to stand on now since it seems you're already n the process of doing it anyways. So now that you've sunk to his level I guess you have to ask yourself how long you want to be on his level? Because if you keep it up you'll actually sink to a level lower then him. I'm guessing this was not your intent with this. Also, is he aware you are dating other people? The positive things he does do not matter if he is a cheater. It's irrelevant. He could be the male version of Mother Theresa and it still wouldn't matter one bit if he was cheating on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackHat Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 my "plan" is to see him a lot less, not bring him around any friends/family, talk to him less, date other people, until I'm more used to the idea of him not being around. Your plan is to see if you can replace him with someone else. If you find someone else you dump him. If you don't, you will try to guilt him into marriage. Good luck with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 The way you are acting OP...it kind of sounds like you and your boyfriend were made for each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) There is a glaring untruth in the way you see this, and its this: You think you need him. You don't. Edited March 25, 2015 by Satu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Your plan is to see if you can replace him with someone else. If you find someone else you dump him. If you don't, you will try to guilt him into marriage. Good luck with that. Are you out of your mind? I'm not sure if I want to get married ever, let alone to this clown. Spectre, too far. No, I'll never be as low as him. I'd never get anywhere close to his level. First of all, I wouldn't sleep with anyone else and him at the same time; I don't sleep with multiple people. Secondly, he sort of knows about it, athough not that I'm meeting someone out in a few days. I don't owe him a god damn thing and despite my handling this poorly I will NEVER be on his level. Ever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 He's just doing more lying to see if he can keep you around while he gathers other women. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) Spectre, too far. No, I'll never be as low as him. I'd never get anywhere close to his level. First of all, I wouldn't sleep with anyone else and him at the same time; I don't sleep with multiple people. Secondly, he sort of knows about it, athough not that I'm meeting someone out in a few days. I don't owe him a god damn thing and despite my handling this poorly I will NEVER be on his level. Ever. This just shows your denial. You are using this guy, lying to him, and more or less cheating on him. Which is pretty much what he did to you. So yes, you are totally now on this guys level. It doesn't matter if you don't sleep with multiple people, you are still DATING multiple people. Just because he cheated doesn't give you the right to act the way you are. You are already on his level, there is no debate here because you admitted yourself you are dating other people and he only "kind of" knows about it. You are also just using him until you get used to not having him around. If you can do all that and still feel you haven't stooped to his level then you need to take a LONG look at your life. You can stop being on his level by just dumping him. I also hate to say this, but seeing the way you handled this do you think any guy would ever want to get in a serious relationship with you if they knew about all this? I don't know what else to tell you because I can tell by your reply you won't do the right thing and just leave him. You do know that if you're still in a relationship with him and you are dating other people you are a cheater, and cheating is trashy. Doesn't matter if you aren't banging the dudes you are dating. Let me ask you this question: have you ever during your relationship had sex with another man? Even if it was just one guy. I'm talking about even after you found out he cheated. Have you ever had sex with another man or done anything sexual, like making out or oral sex or anything? Since, even if you didn't have full on sex, I find it hard to believe you could be dating multiple guys behind this guys back and not done any type of sexual act with them. Edited March 26, 2015 by Spectre 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 This just shows your denial. You are using this guy, lying to him, and more or less cheating on him. Which is pretty much what he did to you. So yes, you are totally now on this guys level. It doesn't matter if you don't sleep with multiple people, you are still DATING multiple people. Just because he cheated doesn't give you the right to act the way you are. You are already on his level, there is no debate here because you admitted yourself you are dating other people and he only "kind of" knows about it. You are also just using him until you get used to not having him around. If you can do all that and still feel you haven't stooped to his level then you need to take a LONG look at your life. You can stop being on his level by just dumping him. I also hate to say this, but seeing the way you handled this do you think any guy would ever want to get in a serious relationship with you if they knew about all this? I don't know what else to tell you because I can tell by your reply you won't do the right thing and just leave him. You do know that if you're still in a relationship with him and you are dating other people you are a cheater, and cheating is trashy. Doesn't matter if you aren't banging the dudes you are dating. Let me ask you this question: have you ever during your relationship had sex with another man? Even if it was just one guy. I'm talking about even after you found out he cheated. Have you ever had sex with another man or done anything sexual, like making out or oral sex or anything? Since, even if you didn't have full on sex, I find it hard to believe you could be dating multiple guys behind this guys back and not done any type of sexual act with them. I went on one date and might go on a group date next week. I don't engage in any type of sexual activity until 5+ dates and no I haven't kissed or taken part in Any type of sexual behavior with anyone but him. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I think you might need to date other people to get some validation back from being humiliated by his cheating. Fine. But don't do it while you're with him. Break up with him and date immediately to deal with the pain. Dating immediately will help with that, although you'll not be in a good state of mind to start another relationship. No point in keeping him around. It will not help in any way. Let him go immediately, it's the only way. Sorry you didn't overreact and it was really cheating. I was hoping you overreacted, since you seemed to be so excited about him before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) I think you might need to date other people to get some validation back from being humiliated by his cheating. Fine. But don't do it while you're with him. Break up with him and date immediately to deal with the pain. Dating immediately will help with that, although you'll not be in a good state of mind to start another relationship. No point in keeping him around. It will not help in any way. Let him go immediately, it's the only way. Sorry you didn't overreact and it was really cheating. I was hoping you overreacted, since you seemed to be so excited about him before. Because he was a great boyfriend. Attentive, loving, supportive, wanted commitment, (wanted to be official first, said I love you first). Literally not one thing he did set off a red flag. I figured this all out on intuition alone. Edited March 26, 2015 by lissvarna 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Don't date anyone else until you've ditched this jerkwad. Imagine you meet a great guy who you like and who likes you. He finds out you're still technically with your a-hole ex. What do you think the new guy will do? (Clue: it begins with R and ends with UN). 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Because he was a great boyfriend. Attentive, loving, supportive, wanted commitment, (wanted to be official first, said I love you first). Literally not one thing he did set off a red flag. I figured this all out on intuition alone. Op they are always great boyfriends. My ex fiancé put on quite a show. He was extremely convincing. A serial cheat does this role very well but when opportunity comes, they have no self control. My ex cheated on the girtlfriend before me, he cheated on me (despite saying I was The One) and now he is cheating on his new girlfriend by being on a dating site while with her. I would just get it over and done with and leave him. I made that mistake of weaning myself off my ex and it doesn't work. You will suffer even more. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Has he cheated on you, or is this still about that girl on FB who he removed from his friends list. The one he cheated on his last gf with. I also note that you say you always sabotage relationships at the 6 month mark, are those accusations of him cheating on you, and you now dating other people, just a symptom of that sabotage behaviour pattern? I am not a fan of cheaters and liars and I am sure he may have done that in the past, and yes it is a red flag, but are you judging him perhaps a bit too harshly re his behaviour with you? People can grow up, they can change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 Has he cheated on you, or is this still about that girl on FB who he removed from his friends list. The one he cheated on his last gf with. I also note that you say you always sabotage relationships at the 6 month mark, are those accusations of him cheating on you, and you now dating other people, just a symptom of that sabotage behaviour pattern? I am not a fan of cheaters and liars and I am sure he may have done that in the past, and yes it is a red flag, but are you judging him perhaps a bit too harshly re his behaviour with you? People can grow up, they can change. Oh, he's cheated, for sure. No-- I thought it was me that was the problem because although everything was really, really good but at the same time something didn't seem right. I have messed up relationships in the past but turns out this was just my intuition. He says the same. Wants me only to judge his behavior with me and not the past. I'm not really buying that. I don't think I am going to date after all. It's just too much stress and pressure during a really hard time for me. I just need to figure out how to work up the courage to remove this person from my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts