Jealousy Over bf's Female Friend

[tam1984]

I've been dating Tom for about 6 months now. We dated over a year and a half ago and developed feelings for one another. However, neither he nor I were really in the right place to have a committed relationship at the time so we broke it off.

 

When he came back into my life months back, I treated him very casually. I was casually dating someone else non-exclusively and, further, didn't know what would happen considering our past history...and therefore didn't make much effort to see him. Of course, I always forget that being unavailable tends to attract a man more...so he progressively started spending more and more time with me and our old feelings for one another came flooding back.

 

One of the things I love about him is that he is very honest with me. Before we finally decided to make our relationship "official" (i.e. exclusive, committed, loving, planning a future etc.) he told me that, when he started seeing me again, he had a very long-lasting infatuation towards a female friend of his. She was often very flirtatious with him and the two confided quite a bit in one another...but, whenever he proposed anything beyond friendship, she would reject him. It seems to me that he was a bit of a "back-up plan" for her...a confidence boost when she felt like she needed it.

 

He's currently out of the country...returning to my city in 5 weeks. It is something career-related that he had been planning for months. When he began seeing me, he had asked her to come with him and she agreed...only to suddenly change her mind. Very soon after, he allowed himself to get more serious with me.

 

This didn't bother me for some time. For one, I was casually seeing someone when he and I started seeing one another...so, in theory, there's little room for me to talk. Secondly, before he left, we both met one another's families and had amazing times together. We've had discussions about the future. We talk daily. He says he loves me, and I really do love him too. I am incredibly grateful that he and I's paths have crossed again.

 

Before he left, he left almost all of his possessions at my apartment as his way of saying he was indeed coming back and, further, that he was coming back to me.

 

However, last night I was organizing his things into a storage closet in my apartment and came across a painting his friend had painted him with a note from her taped to it. The letter was basically a love letter without blatantly saying it...stating that the two of them could only be themselves around one another, how beautiful of a person she thought he was, and mentioning things he had confided in her that he had only recently confided in me. I don't know why, but it really hurt to find this...even though it was something she had clearly written it for him many months before he and I entered our relationship. It made me question if he possibly couldn't be himself in front of me...if their friendship (or whatever it was) was more meaningful than he and I's relationship...if maybe he chose me as some kind of semi-replacement for her...in short, if I was some kind of second choice. If, maybe, I was just a free storage unit in some way.

 

I suddenly remembered conversations she and I have had where she seemed almost aggressive toward me. I recalled a time where he was texting her in front of me (which, fair play, he didn't attempt to cover up) where he mentioned that he and I had had to sleep on the floor while visiting friends of me and she said "If you were with me, I'd never have you on the floor ;)" He didn't engage...but it made me question if he would have if I wasnt sitting right next to him.

 

I (coyly, timidly!) brought this up to him and he stated that he didn't want to be with anybody but me...that he couldn't imagine himself with anybody but me...that he loved me in a way that wasn't just physical...and it was nice of him to say, but after reading that letter I'm not fully convinced! He also mentioned that he hadn't really spoken to her (aside from something she posted on his fb wall) in a few months and that I shouldn't worry. The slight overlap between her and I, however, kind of eats away at me now that I have seen that letter.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I am extremely excited about him coming back. He will be staying with me until he finds another apartment for himself (I'm not quite ready for him to move in!). However, I find myself nervous because she lives in my city...and I'm not sure how to handle their friendship, how to maybe establish some boundaries without seeming too possessive...and how to stop doubting he and I's relationship.

 

Advice?

Edited February 9, 2015 by tam1984

[kendahke]

is there some reason why you can't believe him and take him at his word? Has HE done something that leads you to believe he's shining you on and is only waiting to her to come around? I'm not asking what past boyfriends have done because they dont' figure into this. I'm asking about him.

[tam1984]

Nothing specifically...I know I sound crazy haha

 

It is more of the fact that very, very soon before he and I got serious...he was pursuing a relationship with her...even though he and I were (non exclusively, casually....) seeing one another. When she rejected him, he pursued things with me.

 

He was open and honest about the fact that, at the beginning of our relationship, he had feelings for both her and I. The way it came about was that, before he and I were serious, he posted "How does it feel to want?" and ramblings about how painful it was to want someone on fb. At that time, I was trying to not seem too interested in him...but, when we would see one another, we would have incredibly intimate discussions and we really connected. I assumed that it had been about me because I made sure to not make myself too available to him despite our seemingly incredible connection. When I asked him, however, he claimed that it was about her, and that he had written it after she had rejected him. However, he said: "It doesn't mean I don't want you."

 

Now, he claims that I'm the only person he wants and states that what he had felt toward her had been a rather childish infatuation.

 

I don't know why I'm being so doubtful. I don't want to be made to feel like some consolation prize. i can't say my dating experiences in the past help matters much!

[kendahke]

Nothing specifically...I know I sound crazy haha

 

It is more of the fact that very, very soon before he and I got serious...he was pursuing a relationship with her...even though he and I were (non exclusively, casually....) seeing one another. When she rejected him, he pursued things with me.

 

He was open and honest about the fact that, at the beginning of our relationship, he had feelings for both her and I. The way it came about was that, before he and I were serious, he posted "How does it feel to want?" and ramblings about how painful it was to want someone on fb. At that time, I was trying to not seem too interested in him...but, when we would see one another, we would have incredibly intimate discussions and we really connected. I assumed that it had been about me because I made sure to not make myself too available to him despite our seemingly incredible connection. When I asked him, however, he claimed that it was about her, and that he had written it after she had rejected him. However, he said: "It doesn't mean I don't want you."

 

Now, he claims that I'm the only person he wants and states that what he had felt toward her had been a rather childish infatuation.

 

I don't know why I'm being so doubtful. I don't want to be made to feel like some consolation prize. i can't say my dating experiences in the past help matters much!

 

Might I suggest that you stop playing games with him; own your voice and tell him how you feel and ask him 1. how he feels about you and 2. what his intentions are.

 

And why is it "claims" when you're the one who was acting uninterested? You were being less than truthful about what was going on with you, more so than he was--and you two weren't serious at the time from what I've gathered from your response. Because he can say "now you're claiming to feel a certain way when you never made that clear in the past", right?

 

Acting one way but wanting something completely different is playing games and sending mixed messages--and they have no place in an adult relationship. The fastest way to get hurt is to not own your voice and use it when there is something that you want out of someone. And you have to not be afraid of hearing what you don't want to hear because the alternative is to waste your youth when it could have been invested in a better way.

Edited February 9, 2015 by kendahke

[Winterina]

That lady is not exactly his friend and never was. She always was a way more than that and the only reason he is not with her is because she rejected him.

So ask him for no contact with her and to delete her from his FB, phone, etc.

If you are preparing for the life together why keep around someone for whom he has more than friendship, who treated you aggressively, who is flirting with him, etc. There is no need to bring unnecessary anxiety into relationship and into your life and if he loves you and cares for you he will have no problems stopping all the contact with her. It is a choice for him to make.

Setting boundaries does not really work... not really... you will still be reminded of all the unpleasant thoughts and feelings when she pops up somewhere or when they meet.

I am all for keeping people in life, but only when there is no attraction and no interest from both sides, and when there is no flirting involved. So pure friendship ok, but girls that just friendzoned him, not ok.

[tam1984]

Might I suggest that you stop playing games with him; own your voice and tell him how you feel and ask him 1. how he feels about you and 2. what his intentions are.

 

And why is it "claims" when you're the one who was acting uninterested? You were being less than truthful about what was going on with you, more so than he was--and you two weren't serious at the time from what I've gathered from your response. Because he can say "now you're claiming to feel a certain way when you never made that clear in the past", right?

 

Acting one way but wanting something completely different is playing games and sending mixed messages--and they have no place in an adult relationship. The fastest way to get hurt is to not own your voice and use it when there is something that you want out of someone. And you have to not be afraid of hearing what you don't want to hear because the alternative is to waste your youth when it could have been invested in a better way.

 

I have been honest and open with him. I have spoken with him about it and, as I said in my original post, he said that I was the only person he wanted, that he considered their "thing" as something quite immature and, I guess, lustful on his end. I realize I probably need to trust that...as he's not been dishonest with me (as far as I know)...but after seeing that letter it is hard for me to not feel jealous considering the fact that they are still friends (albeit significantly much less close than they had been in the past). Currently, she isn't a threat in the physical sense because he's out of the country...but I worry about how things will be when he gets back. I don't know if it would be out of line to expect him to not have any contact with her...or if I allowed them to spend the time together that they had before if I would end up being hurt. I've voiced my concerns regarding it...I'm just not sure what the right course of action would be in regards to their friendship.

[kendahke]

I have been honest and open with him. I have spoken with him about it and, as I said in my original post, he said that I was the only person he wanted, that he considered their "thing" as something quite immature and, I guess, lustful on his end. I realize I probably need to trust that...as he's not been dishonest with me (as far as I know)...but after seeing that letter it is hard for me to not feel jealous considering the fact that they are still friends (albeit significantly much less close than they had been in the past). Currently, she isn't a threat in the physical sense because he's out of the country...but I worry about how things will be when he gets back. I don't know if it would be out of line to expect him to not have any contact with her...or if I allowed them to spend the time together that they had before if I would end up being hurt. I've voiced my concerns regarding it...I'm just not sure what the right course of action would be in regards to their friendship.

 

You can't forbid a grown man to do anything. He's not your child. All you can do is state your case and observe how he acts. If his actions are not in alignment with what you want, you remove yourself from the relationship. The "right course of action" isn't in your purview here. The onus is on him on that.

 

You've done what you're supposed to do: you stated your case. The rest is up to him. Their friendship is their friendship and he is entitled to his friends. As I said, you watch and see his interaction with this friend, if he allows her to continue to be "aggressive" with you without defending you. If he allows her to run roughshod over your relationship, then you know that preserving that friendship is more important than preserving your relationship and it's time to put it down and move on.

 

If you're honest and open with him, then tell him you read that letter taped to the back of that picture (that wasn't addressed to you) and discuss it with him.

[Javelin]

This situation is exactly why I believe that people should only 'date' one person at a time.

 

I have been honest and open with him. I have spoken with him about it and, as I said in my original post, he said that I was the only person he wanted, that he considered their "thing" as something quite immature and, I guess, lustful on his end. I realize I probably need to trust that...as he's not been dishonest with me (as far as I know)...but after seeing that letter it is hard for me to not feel jealous considering the fact that they are still friends (albeit significantly much less close than they had been in the past). Currently, she isn't a threat in the physical sense because he's out of the country...but I worry about how things will be when he gets back. I don't know if it would be out of line to expect him to not have any contact with her...or if I allowed them to spend the time together that they had before if I would end up being hurt. I've voiced my concerns regarding it...I'm just not sure what the right course of action would be in regards to their friendship.

 

Let me guess, you don't like losing complete control of a situation? And, when your own feelings are at risk, you start to panic!?

 

Here's a question... Are you still 'friends' with the other guy that you were also seeing before going 'exclusive?'

 

By the way, I'm not saying that dating multiple people is wrong! I'm just pointing out that in doing so, you only complicate things if you get serious. I mean look at how you are reacting to just a note written months in the past?

Edited February 12, 2015 by Javelin

[tam1984]

This situation is exactly why I believe that people should only 'date' one person at a time.

 

 

 

Let me guess, you don't like losing complete control of a situation? And, when your own feelings are at risk, you start to panic!?

 

Here's a question... Are you still 'friends' with the other guy that you were also seeing before going 'exclusive?'

 

By the way, I'm not saying that dating multiple people is wrong! I'm just pointing out that in doing so, you only complicate things if you get serious. I mean look at how you are reacting to just a note written months in the past?

 

 

No, I'm not still friends with the guy I was seeing before things got exclusive. The relationship was extremely casual and I simply told him I found someone special...he understood and that was that. We have not spoken since...because I thought that would be the right thing to do.

 

Just a month ago I found myself in a situation where an ex boyfriend of mine from over a year ago moved back to my city. The breakup was amicable (though there is absolutely no chance of us ever having anything again, in my mind, due to some very complicated things that I won't go into) and he wanted to catch up. I asked my bf if he was comfortable with that and he stated he was. I hung out with my ex...he was quite flirtatious and implied he wanted to have sex. I, of course, explained I was in a relationship (and further stated that, even if I was single I wouldn't be interested) but that I was fine with being his friend. I later received a text from him stating that he was upset that I had told him i was in a committed relationship, but could make do with merely being my friend...followed by a few overtly sexual comments about me.

 

When my bf asked me how the meeting went...I was honest with him and told him what happened. He did not get angry...but stated that he'd feel uncomfortable if me and this ex continued to spend time together. I respected his wishes because I thought that if I ever felt that way about a female friend of his, he would do the same.

 

I understood his discomfort regarding that situation because I feel uncomfortable in the same way about this female friend.

 

So, no, I am not as you were implying. I have nothing against him being friends with his exes or female friends who he perhaps had a crush on once upon a time. Further, I'd never take an issue with him doing such and then turn around and do the same thing myself! i do, however, have an issue when I feel like the female friend in question seems flirtatious and behaves in a way that I can really only interpret as passive-aggressive and rude.

[tam1984]

You can't forbid a grown man to do anything. He's not your child. All you can do is state your case and observe how he acts. If his actions are not in alignment with what you want, you remove yourself from the relationship. The "right course of action" isn't in your purview here. The onus is on him on that.

 

You've done what you're supposed to do: you stated your case. The rest is up to him. Their friendship is their friendship and he is entitled to his friends. As I said, you watch and see his interaction with this friend, if he allows her to continue to be "aggressive" with you without defending you. If he allows her to run roughshod over your relationship, then you know that preserving that friendship is more important than preserving your relationship and it's time to put it down and move on.

 

If you're honest and open with him, then tell him you read that letter taped to the back of that picture (that wasn't addressed to you) and discuss it with him.

 

I did mention the letter to him.

 

It wasn't as if I was going through his stuff without permission. He left his belongings in my home in the spare room. He asked me to possibly organize some of his things for when he got back, and actually encouraged me to go through some of it (photo albums, sketch books, PAINTINGS etc.). It wasn't as if I was snooping through his email, phone, etc. I wasn't going through his things with the intention of finding anything bad.

Edited February 13, 2015 by tam1984

[Friskyone4u]

You are not crazy!!! This is not a casual friendship and you have proof of that.

Would be be so understanding is he found letters lke that right now between you and a male friend.

You are obviously young and not married but there is no reason for someone in a committed relationship to be doing things and hanging out alone with someone of the opposite sex. In groups maybe ok.

If you read any infidelity forum you will see numerous of cheating started between "just friends" of the opposite sex. Add in a little alcohol and the next thing you will hear is "I'm sorry , it just happened".

So don't beat yourself up and there needs to be some boundaries that you are comfortable with

[Javelin]

I feel like the female friend in question seems flirtatious and behaves in a way that I can really only interpret as passive-aggressive and rude.

 

Perhaps you two should associate with only the same sex outside your relationship!

 

(I'm kidding of course.)

 

In my opinion, you may have a bit of an issue with trust. If what you describe is correct, your boyfriend doesn't sound like he's going to be hanging out with this woman when he gets back.

 

Do you believe that he will try to see her behind your back or something?

[stillafool]

He hasn't forgotten her because they never had sex. He probably still wants her sexually.

[kendahke]

I did mention the letter to him.

 

and he said what?

[Standard-Fare]

I think your uneasiness is natural, and anyone would feel the same way in your shoes. But there's not much you can really "do" about it except trying to trust your BF... while at the same time paying attention to any signs that this girl might be intruding into his/your life.

[smackie9]

What you are feeling is normal because of the way your feelings for him have progressed. So every little thing is going to make you jealous. You don't need to worry about anything, and these feelings will subside.

 

Now that you two have agreed that you are exclusive, you need to have a discussion about relationship "boundaries" about his interation with her.....what makes you feel comfortable or what doesn't make you comfortable.

[tam1984]

An update:

 

Before he left for Jamaica, he posted on his facebook: "My heart is in [my city], I'll be back before we know it."

 

Today, she commented on it, saying: "Love you!!!"

 

I just texted him telling him that it made me really uncomfortable....because it did. if it were a friend that was constantly platonic with no feelings involved...it would be one thing. But...considering their past, I find it really inappropriate. If a guy from my past did such i'm sure he would have felt the same way. I guess I'll see what happens from there :/

Edited February 13, 2015 by tam1984

[smackie9]

Did you also tell him that this needs to stop? That you find it unacceptable? That it is in appropriate? That this is going to affect the relationship if it isn't taken care of?

 

She is being disrespectful IMO.

[tam1984]

Yes. He said it was something she has said "platonically" to him for years and that there is no reason to be worried...but that, when he comes back, he will talk to her about what is and isn't appropriate to say in the future...and stated that I was the only person he wanted to be with.

 

He also said that, as far as he knew, she was dating someone and that she likely didn't mean what she said in any way intended to be disrespectful to me. He doesn't have fb access so he hasn't seen anything she wrote, yet. The day she wrote that, though, she was posting things about how angry she was at the guy she was seeing...and I'm not sure if they're involved anymore. perhaps that's why she felt the need to suddenly post that (and several other things) all over his wall.

 

I feel like this is a fine resolution for now. He has been very honest with me so far in this relationship so I trust what he says...and if he tells me that he only wants me, only thinks about her platonically...then I'll take his word for it. I don't expect him to cut off the friendship for me and, really, just felt disrespected...I'm not completely letting my guard down with this girl but I am not going to waste my energy worrying about it, either. If he talks to her and she again crosses a boundary, though...he and I may have to have another talk.

[tam1984]

OK Well I thought this situation was fixed but clearly not. The problem isn't really him...it is the fact that she is now being blatantly disrespectful towards me.

 

She contacted me via fb a few weeks ago and, again, she was quite passive aggressive with me. I was polite and kept the conversation short.

 

Two days ago, she posts a screenshot on facebook of a chat with him. The chat was definitely from over a month ago (long before I voiced my concerns)...but it was of the two of them sending selfies back and forth to one another. They aren't sexual by any means...though both are clearly laying in bed. I don't suspect funny business on the count that he's not the type to interact sexually via a text message/messenger app. If this had been a female friend with which the situation had been exclusively platonic I may have found it a little weird (just since I don't really do that when I talk to friends of the opposite sex) but I wouldn't have minded. However, with her, it came off as almost flirtatious and, considering their history, I found it disrespectful toward me. Further...the fact she felt the need to post it on fb nearly a month after the conversation struck me as odd and seemingly a way to either send a message to me/get a rise out of me.

 

I attempted to let it go for a few days but I felt genuinely upset by it.

 

He's currently in another country (comes home in 6 days) and we have really only been able to communicate via text for the past month (aside from a few phone calls). This has made it hard to fully voice my concerns. I feel as if I failed to convey how I felt last time and, further, he either didn't speak to her or she didn't get the message that her behavior has been unacceptable. I would contact her myself but I feel it would be out of line.

 

So, I sent him this text message tonight. He has yet to respond.

 

"Hey so there's been something on my mind the past few days. I know we have discussed you past with and behavior of [your friend] and I'm aware that your friendship is platonic. I trust you…I obviously would never tell you who you can or can’t be friends with because that’s not my style. BUT…I don’t know…the whole posting fb conversations of you two sending bed selfies to one another is kind of disrespectful to me. If this were a friend where things had been constantly platonic I wouldn’t care…but that’s not the case. If I'm going to be honest it hurts a lot. I’ve had guy friends in the past where there’s been a sexual tension and the last thing I’d do is send photos of myself in bed to them. However, maybe your friendships are different than mine. Even if I did do that it wouldn’t get posted on fb…out of a respect for you and a desire to never hurt you. I was going to just let it go but it has been bothering me the past few days and I’m just trying to be open and honest about my feelings. I’m not trying to pick a fight or anything. It is more of a matter of respect for me and my feelings. And boundaries. I really value your feelings in this relationship and want things to work. I expect some kind of regard for my feelings in return. I just want to put it out there now as opposed to when you’re back because I don’t want this affecting anything by getting pushed down/avoided."

 

Any suggestions? Have I been out of line?

[smackie9]

I hope things work out for you. And no you are not out of line. See what his response is, and what happens next with her.

 

IMO this should be his only chance to make this right with you if he has any respect for you and the relationship. If he doesn't come through, the fight should be over and you moving on.

[StarsOnFire]

I think you have been super understanding, and I totally get your side. However, I would probably just wait until he comes back to discuss further. I know, it's probably eating at you and easier said than done, but he'll be back soon and it just seems like something that should be discussed and taken care of in person?

 

That screenshot of their texts back and forth would really annoy me. Good luck! He sounds like he's understanding, and I hope it gets resolved!

[whichwayisup]

She contacted me via fb a few weeks ago and, again, she was quite passive aggressive with me. I was polite and kept the conversation short.

 

She knows exactly what she is doing and she's mad at you because you're interfering with their friendship. He obviously said something to her and now she is taking it out on you. What a b.tch!

 

Two days ago, she posts a screenshot on facebook of a chat with him. The chat was definitely from over a month ago (long before I voiced my concerns)...but it was of the two of them sending selfies back and forth to one another. They aren't sexual by any means...though both are clearly laying in bed. I don't suspect funny business on the count that he's not the type to interact sexually via a text message/messenger app. If this had been a female friend with which the situation had been exclusively platonic I may have found it a little weird (just since I don't really do that when I talk to friends of the opposite sex) but I wouldn't have minded. However, with her, it came off as almost flirtatious and, considering their history, I found it disrespectful toward me. Further...the fact she felt the need to post it on fb nearly a month after the conversation struck me as odd and seemingly a way to either send a message to me/get a rise out of me.

 

You tell him that you're sick of her doing this, being passive and playing it up just to piss you off. She IS doing this on purpose and trying to put a wedge between you two.

 

It's now up to him to put her in his place, set strong boundaries with her and let her know to stop it and chill out, or walk away from the friendship.

 

The thing that concerns me though he doesn't see how cruel she's being on purpose to cause problems because he thinks she has his best interest at heart. SHE is jealous of you and your relationship with him, she will continue to chip away and try to cause problems in hopes he'll break up with you.

[tam1984]

Thanks all

 

He was kind of upset, I think, that I was upset so he ended up calling me the next day long-distance.

 

Initially he stated that the messages were not meant to be sexual and, as I said, I believe him. He said the messages were from a point in time when he and I were "seeing" one another (as in...maybe a few weeks in to our being back together casually)...and, looking over the screenshot...he is being honest there...as the background on his end was from his apartment he moved out of in September. It was a point in time when the two of them were a little closer.

 

He then stated that he wouldnt be upset if I sent photos of myself (non-sexually, of course) to male friends...though he understood when I told him that none of the male friends of mine he mentioned were people I ever had any sexual or romantic attraction to...and that all of my male friends would be respectful of him/ our relationship.

 

I'm sort of realizing that, prior to me coming back into the picture, they spent quite a bit of time together. They worked together and lived on the same block. Since he and i have gotten together, however, they became significantly less close. I personally have always been under the impression (even the first time he and I dated where she was also quite rude to me) that she liked him being her token single male friend to use as an ego boost/surrogate boyfriend when she was single. I think it makes her feel good to be admired when she has no intention of reciprocating...and it bothers her when he can't emotionally "there" for her. I think it's kind of cruel (and not to mention extremely immature) and one of the reasons why I'm not sure I even understand why he still considers her a friend.

 

He flat-out told me he didn't have any feelings for her...and that what feelings he did have for her at one point had been pretty superficial. I do believe him...he hasn't given me any reason to not believe him. Despite my anxieties he and I do have something I consider extremely special and I therefore can't help but feel silly being bothered over the behavior of one of his friends...but I suppose I can't help that.

 

He also said that, since it bothered me, he wouldn't send photos of himself to her and would establish some boundaries with her in terms of their interactions. I'm not sure how that's going to go because she is always very flirtatious. She supposedly is "seeing" someone (not sure how official or serious it is)...which is another reason i've found her recent behavior so odd.

 

He comes home tomorrow night. I'm extremely nervous. I think some of it is excitement/reunion jitters (we haven't seen one another since mid-January)...and also nerves about how things are going to go with him being back in my city...and, I suppose, being back in the same city as her. I absolutely dread the notion of being around her, to be honest...which may happen with him back/me spending time with his group of friends.

 

We will see I guess :-/

Edited March 16, 2015 by tam1984

[GildedLily]

I think it's time to call it quits with this one. Dating should be the time you're trying the other person out, if they don't fit, ( with your ethics, tastes etc) you should let them go, not change them into something you want. I know you might say "everything's perfect accept this!" But this " issue" is just a clue into how he will handle future things that make you uncomfortable. If he was the right person, you wouldn't even have KNOWN about this girl much less have to ask him to behave appropriately. He would've nipped this friendship in the bud and told her that he met someone and wants to see how it goes and that he was moving on from their friendship.