I've been emotionally cheating on my boyfriend for a month. I am an awful girlfriend

[poppy1]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We're 27. We've stayed pretty strong throughout. We didn't have many friends back home. Recently we moved to another country. I discovered a love of making new friends and going out late at night to bars, cinema, restaurants etc with a group, but without my bf. He is very wrapped up in his work and doesn't want to socialise with people. We do the same job so we just literally talk about work all the time.

Slowly I've felt myself drift apart from my bf to the point I find him boring compared to the new people that I've met. I haven't been going out with him for a long time even though we live together.

Most weekends I will go out with a big group of people, and during the weekdays I may go out to lunch with a guy alone. I feel very guilty sometimes that I am going out doing these things whilst my bf is at home alone or working.

There is one guy who is very friendly towards me. He is 5 years younger than me. He texts me everyday, we go out for breakfast, we went for a movie, he tried to put his arm around me but I shrug it off. He knows that I have a bf but he can tell that things are not right. I have a strong feeling that he is into me, but I'm not into him apart from a close friend. I enjoy his company but there is no way I could imagine him being my bf. Age, socio-economic class, background is totally different.

My boyfriend last night said he was very upset because he had the odd feeling that I might leave him. As soon as he said that, I felt total regret at all the things I've done. I said yes I do love you but I admitted that I had had my doubts because I did want to try being single for a while (he was my first bf). I did suggest that we take a break, he said maybe he should go home and I figure out what I wanted to do. But when he said that, reality drove home, and I realised that I cannot live without him, I would be lost. I suddenly realised that I still love my bf very much, and he has been my rock and been there every step of the way supporting me and loving me with his whole heart.

 

I told him I have no feelings for anyone else but him (which is true).

I'm confused as to whether it is best to have a short break (a week or so) or to just work on my relationship with my boyfriend and cut ties with these guys (or at least just be normal friends and make it clear the boundaries)

 

thank you

[FusionCutter]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We're 27. We've stayed pretty strong throughout. We didn't have many friends back home. Recently we moved to another country. I discovered a love of making new friends and going out late at night to bars, cinema, restaurants etc with a group, but without my bf. He is very wrapped up in his work and doesn't want to socialise with people. We do the same job so we just literally talk about work all the time.

Slowly I've felt myself drift apart from my bf to the point I find him boring compared to the new people that I've met. I haven't been going out with him for a long time even though we live together.

Most weekends I will go out with a big group of people, and during the weekdays I may go out to lunch with a guy alone. I feel very guilty sometimes that I am going out doing these things whilst my bf is at home alone or working.

There is one guy who is very friendly towards me. He is 5 years younger than me. He texts me everyday, we go out for breakfast, we went for a movie, he tried to put his arm around me but I shrug it off. He knows that I have a bf but he can tell that things are not right. I have a strong feeling that he is into me, but I'm not into him apart from a close friend. I enjoy his company but there is no way I could imagine him being my bf. Age, socio-economic class, background is totally different.

My boyfriend last night said he was very upset because he had the odd feeling that I might leave him. As soon as he said that, I felt total regret at all the things I've done. I said yes I do love you but I admitted that I had had my doubts because I did want to try being single for a while (he was my first bf). I did suggest that we take a break, he said maybe he should go home and I figure out what I wanted to do. But when he said that, reality drove home, and I realised that I cannot live without him, I would be lost. I suddenly realised that I still love my bf very much, and he has been my rock and been there every step of the way supporting me and loving me with his whole heart.

 

I told him I have no feelings for anyone else but him (which is true).

I'm confused as to whether it is best to have a short break (a week or so) or to just work on my relationship with my boyfriend and cut ties with these guys (or at least just be normal friends and make it clear the boundaries)

 

thank you

 

If you want to get back close with him you should tell him the entire truth and let him decide.

 

That's the only way you could get close to him again, by being emotionally honest with him.

[PegNosePete]

There is no such thing as a "break". Only a break-up.

 

What would you do on this "break"? Sit there on your own and think, or go out with friends, or be "single", go to the cinema with this guy who likes you?

 

A break does not fix a relationship. Communication fixes relationships. If you can't communicate with your BF and fix the relationship, then it is doomed.

[happyman64]

Honesty is key in any relationship.

 

You also need to tell him the relationship is getting stale if you truly feel that way.

 

You live together but the time spent socializing with others is bad.

 

I think time apart is a good test to see if you both miss each other.

[Friskyone4u]

So far you have not been totally honest with him but have not crossed the line of having a PA affair. You need to tell him everything you are feeling. While your behavior has not been exemplary, he does own 50% of the relationship and he needs to take responsibility for meeting more of your needs.

Continuing to hang out in bars and spend time alone with other men is going to do nothing but put you into circumstances where at some point you will cross and even bigger line.

He at least deserves the opportunity to alter his behavior a little. If this does not become a wake up call for him, your relationship will not last. But he has to have the truth about what you have been doing to have a chance to react to the facts

[Omei]

There is no such thing as a "break". Only a break-up.

 

What would you do on this "break"? Sit there on your own and think, or go out with friends, or be "single", go to the cinema with this guy who likes you?

 

A break does not fix a relationship. Communication fixes relationships. If you can't communicate with your BF and fix the relationship, then it is doomed.

 

True, true and very true.

 

Op may I ask when you say emotionaly cheat I didnt see that anywhere what I did see tho is you going on dates with a man alone does your bf know you keep hanging out with this guy and that he texts you everyday?

[poppy1]

True, true and very true.

 

Op may I ask when you say emotionaly cheat I didnt see that anywhere what I did see tho is you going on dates with a man alone does your bf know you keep hanging out with this guy and that he texts you everyday?

 

He does not know that we've hung out alone, but he had his suspicions when he saw the way the other guy looked at me and the way the guy looked at my bf. He doesn't know that he texts me everyday, but again probably suspicions since I'm always texting on the phone in front of him.

[oldshirt]

Breaks are always about putting someone on reserve and making them sit on the shelf while the other party tries someone else on for size. The only reason people ask for breaks is so they can try someone else out and then come back to their partner if things don't work out with the other person(s).

 

As it stand right now you are leading on two men and building both with false hopes. You may have 'told' this other guy you have a BF and haven't screwed him yet (and I do mean YET) but you are going out with him, drinking with him, going to movies and discussing personal topics. Then you try to justify it by friend zoning him, which will just frustrate and exasperate him.

 

While at the same time you are basically using your BF for security and stability and companionship and you want to keep him on reserve and stand-by for you while you go out and develop a relationship with someone else.

 

In other words you are playing and screwing over two guys.

 

IMHO both guys have the right to walk away and it would probably be in each of their better interests to do so. If they walked, each of them would be able to find someone that would be into them and not subdivided between other people.

 

As you are young and single and don't mention children, you are in your right to do as you please. You can be single and go out and date and bang whoever, whenever and wherever you want. There is nothing wrong with being single and it in fact has many very legitimate benifits.

 

What you don't have the right to do however is to put anyone on reserve and make them wait in purgatory while you fiddle-fart around trying to decide whether you will keep them or turn them loose once you find someone better.

 

You have the right to break up with people and you have the right to pursue your own interests. You don't have the right to lead people on or to make them wait for you while you try to make up your mind.

[Omei]

He does not know that we've hung out alone, but he had his suspicions when he saw the way the other guy looked at me and the way the guy looked at my bf. He doesn't know that he texts me everyday, but again probably suspicions since I'm always texting on the phone in front of him.

 

I wouldn't call this emotional cheating because its not through just exchange of conversation.

 

if your bf doesn't know id call it full blown cheating your basically dating this second guy fully aware of his intentions.

 

You have two choices imo stop seeing this guy and keep your relationship with your boyfriend you can no longer be "just friends" with this guy because you crossed a boundary of trust with your bf if you came to him now only saying we're just friends he would call bs since you were not front with him at the start about hanging out with this dude. It would be very unfair to expect him to accept this relationship you've been having without his knowledge.

 

Or you leave your bf and see what happens with this new man.

 

But you cant have both you destroyed any chance of a possible friendship with this person while being in your relationship.

[JS84]

What is a "break" going to accomplish exactly? Are you going to use it as an excuse to fool around with other guys while he's on standby as a reliable Plan B or use it to reflect and actually contemplate your relationship? There is a difference. Because if you want a "break" you might as well be fair to your boyfriend and end the relationship.

Edited November 24, 2014 by JS84

[stillafool]

Why do you have two threads going about the exact same thing?

 

Break up with your bf because you don't love him.

[smackie9]

You are cheating, because you two are going out on dates, exchanging messages everyday, like you were at the beginning of dating. Yes you do have feelings for this guy, you are not fooling anyone here, or you wouldn't be here asking us what to do.

 

Tip: if you are keeping things a secret that means you shouldn't be doing it. Your BF has aknowledged already that he is suspicious, because he notices your behavior changing, even tho you seem to think you have this under wraps.

 

The writing is on the wall you love your BF but you are no longer in love with him. All you are is emotionally attached, and comfortable him being there because of his support. That is the only reason why you still hang onto your BF.

 

You both have grown apart, which happens to alot of couples. Since he was your first everything, you are now at a point where you are wondering what else is out there and what you have been missing out on. It's time girl, time to grow up and deal with this like an adult. You either A, work on your relationship and tell your BF everything that has been going on, or B, it's time for a change and breakup.

[Justanaverageguy]

Haha weirdest sense of dejavu .... you could seriously be my ex posting from the start of the year. So similar it is scary.

 

Moved countries together. She was the same age. She cheated with a guy 5 years younger then her not too long after arriving who she had no interest in a long term relationship with. No money **** job and not even good looking which was kind of a kick in the guts when you are the BF. I caught her and as a result we are now all over. You seem to be about 4/5ths of the way on the same journey.

 

I will say this - after what happened with me I had noticed the exact same thing happen to a lot of different women I knew the same age. Two good friends went off the rails and cheated, 2 of my ex's friends did the same. And my sister also did the same. All between the ages of 27-29.

 

I started looking into WTF goes on with women as they are approaching / hit 30. I found some pretty interesting stuff in there. Could direct you to some very interesting reading material which may help explain why you suddenly seem to have grown apart from your partner and why you suddenly have a wandering eye and are actively pursuing other men. Everyone says its people "growing apart" but this is a really common thing for woman to do at your age.

[lolablue17]

Your game is very risky. You're gambling with your R on the roulette.

 

He felt something, that's why he raised the subject. You confirmed his suspicions (not by details). Maybe the process already began. that process might cause him to take one tiny step back. sometimes one tiny step back is all what needed to ruin a relationship for ever.

 

Break up with your BF, or immediately stop totally all contact with the other guy and delete all written memory of him.

 

I hope you'll be fine.

[Diezel]

A "break". LOL.

 

Translation: I need some time to figure out how much I like these other guys, keep my boyfriend on hold, and then if after a week, I see the others aren't serious prospects, I go back to my boyfriend.

 

Do him a favor. Dump him. Do yourself a favor. Dump him.

[Cedar27]

This is why it is never a great idea to have opposite sex friendships while in a committed relationship. At the very least, it is never a good idea to go out with them alone. I suppose it's one thing to catch up with old friends here and there on the phone or email (although that even carries risk). It's just that in these types of friendships, there is a fine line between emotional cheating and just friends, and it is easily and often crossed.

 

Unless there is no sexual attraction from either side the friendship is constantly at risk from crossing a line. Oh, news flash: unless you are extremely unattractive the man in your friendship will be sexually attracted to you and it will probably consume his mind. Do you really want to be friends with someone who constantly thinks about having sex with you? Is that an honest friendship? Most guys who are "friends" with girls are just waiting until they become available, OR they are trying to be true friends while simultaneously trying to shut their mind off on images of you two having sex. That's a lot of energy spent trying to not act on something, don't you think? It puts your relationship at risk every time you go out with a male friend.

 

It's like going to a barbershop. If you keep going you will eventually get a haircut. Even if you don't, you will spend a lot of time and energy trying NOT to get a haircut. Is it worth it? That's my two cents. Men and women rarely can be "just friends". Your situation is just another of many confirmations that make me believe this. Don't play with fire again. Be honest with him starting now about what happened, tell him you will cut out the guy friends and begin showing him that you are serious about staying faithful. Up until this point you have been going out with men alone, and withholding that information. These are huge red flags. Don't be surprised if he dumps you. But, if you are truly sorry and willing to change you have a chance.

Edited November 25, 2014 by Cedar27

[NJ123]

Like someone else said, why did you make almost a duplicate topic on this. And it sounds to me you're just using your boyfriend for the security since it sounds like he has a good job since you mentioned social classes. The other guy sounds like he wouldn't be able to provide for you like your boyfriend can. If you really cared about him you wouldn't be doing what you are. I feel bad for him if he happens to stay with you. Sorry to say, but he deserves better. You need to let him go.

[Chi townD]

Okay, not only are you emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. You're doing much worse things and you don't even realize it. You're meeting guys for breakfast, you are also going to the movies with a guy that you KNOW is interested in you. News Flash!!! Those are dates. You are dating other guys while in a committed relationship!

[Chemist]

I think if you want your relationship to work out, you need to be totally honest as previously said. But I don't think just telling your boyfriend that you had breakfast/lunch etc with this guy alone, but I mean everything.

 

On your last two threads that I have read, you were ready to break up with your boyfriend. You clearly are interested in this new guy and are making excuses about age, economic status, and using these superficial reasons to justify why it was okay for you to have dates with this new guy.

 

I have recently broken up with a girl, you know what I did when I go to the point I wanted it to end? I stopped telling other girls I had a girl friend. When I was still in love and wanting it to work well, it was the first thing out of my mouth to attractive girls or girls that flirted to me. Okay, not the first, but I would slip it in, especially if I found myself sharing alone time with a girl in a setting that might look like a date.

 

Since you didn't tell this new guy you had a boy friend, while asking if he is interested (meaning you thought he was), means you were exploring your options. This is cheating. If a girl friend of mine was doing this, I would leave her. I have the right, and so does your boyfriend. You owe him the truth, after seven years! Selfish and immoral otherwise. Even people from the lower socio-economic class have integrity.

 

I personally hope he leaves you, you don't really deserve him. However, if you're lucky, he can forgive you. Though, it is going to hurt him anyway, bad. Make him sick to his stomach. Could make him think about this other guy every time he looks at you for some time. It may cripple your relationship. Relationship purgatory will begin. You will be wishing you just ended it in that case.

 

How's it feel to throw away seven years with a hardworking, faithful man because you needed validation and attention from a foreign child?

[poppy1]

 

Unless there is no sexual attraction from either side the friendship is constantly at risk from crossing a line. Oh, news flash: unless you are extremely unattractive the man in your friendship will be sexually attracted to you and it will probably consume his mind. Do you really want to be friends with someone who constantly thinks about having sex with you? Is that an honest friendship? Most guys who are "friends" with girls are just waiting until they become available, OR they are trying to be true friends while simultaneously trying to shut their mind off on images of you two having sex. That's a lot of energy spent trying to not act on something, don't you think? It puts your relationship at risk every time you go out with a male friend.

 

It's like going to a barbershop. If you keep going you will eventually get a haircut. Even if you don't, you will spend a lot of time and energy trying NOT to get a haircut. Is it worth it? That's my two cents. Men and women rarely can be "just friends". Your situation is just another of many confirmations that make me believe this. Don't play with fire again. Be honest with him starting now about what happened, tell him you will cut out the guy friends and begin showing him that you are serious about staying faithful. Up until this point you have been going out with men alone, and withholding that information. These are huge red flags. Don't be surprised if he dumps you. But, if you are truly sorry and willing to change you have a chance.

 

 

In terms of looks, I know I am pretty/beautiful. I assume this since I have had many people compliment me on my looks and saying I'm very pretty etc.

I am trying my best to believe that this other guy wants to be only friends with me. It would be weird for me to think that he is hanging out with me because he wants to have sex with me!!

[poppy1]

Like someone else said, why did you make almost a duplicate topic on this. And it sounds to me you're just using your boyfriend for the security since it sounds like he has a good job since you mentioned social classes. The other guy sounds like he wouldn't be able to provide for you like your boyfriend can. If you really cared about him you wouldn't be doing what you are. I feel bad for him if he happens to stay with you. Sorry to say, but he deserves better. You need to let him go.

 

In terms of job, I have a very well paid and respected job and studied at university for 7 years. It's not that my bf can support me that I am staying with him since I earn more than my bf. This other guy earns probably 1/3 of what I earn, but in terms of socio-economic class I mean by job and by education. He only went to high school and didn't study very hard and never reads books. He is not academic but he is people smart.

 

I enjoy talking to him, but I would never consider him as bf material. He is too young for me, educational background is too different and I don't like him physically. I do however, like him as a friend as he is very sweet.

[poppy1]

At the moment, my bf is just happy that I am not leaving him. So things are kind of back to normal. I am not sure whether we are fully compatible though, I don't really fancy him physically (we havent been intimate for 2 months despite sleeping in the same bed) although he is very good looking. I do love him though and can't really bear the thought of leaving him as we have been together for so long. I am scared of the thought of leaving him and then regretting it.

[YogiDaBear]

In terms of looks, I know I am pretty/beautiful. I assume this since I have had many people compliment me on my looks and saying I'm very pretty etc.

I am trying my best to believe that this other guy wants to be only friends with me. It would be weird for me to think that he is hanging out with me because he wants to have sex with me!!

 

Why would that be weird? You didn't tell him you had a bf for a long time. You went solo with him to places. Those are all signs of interest in someone.

[poppy1]

Why would that be weird? You didn't tell him you had a bf for a long time. You went solo with him to places. Those are all signs of interest in someone.

 

i suppose it's weird since it all started so innocently, asking to go out for food with friends, and he is so much younger than me (23)

 

if he does like me that way, how can i shut him down without losing him as a friend?

[Redhead14]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We're 27. We've stayed pretty strong throughout. We didn't have many friends back home. Recently we moved to another country. I discovered a love of making new friends and going out late at night to bars, cinema, restaurants etc with a group, but without my bf. He is very wrapped up in his work and doesn't want to socialise with people. We do the same job so we just literally talk about work all the time.

Slowly I've felt myself drift apart from my bf to the point I find him boring compared to the new people that I've met. I haven't been going out with him for a long time even though we live together.

Most weekends I will go out with a big group of people, and during the weekdays I may go out to lunch with a guy alone. I feel very guilty sometimes that I am going out doing these things whilst my bf is at home alone or working.

There is one guy who is very friendly towards me. He is 5 years younger than me. He texts me everyday, we go out for breakfast, we went for a movie, he tried to put his arm around me but I shrug it off. He knows that I have a bf but he can tell that things are not right. I have a strong feeling that he is into me, but I'm not into him apart from a close friend. I enjoy his company but there is no way I could imagine him being my bf. Age, socio-economic class, background is totally different.

My boyfriend last night said he was very upset because he had the odd feeling that I might leave him. As soon as he said that, I felt total regret at all the things I've done. I said yes I do love you but I admitted that I had had my doubts because I did want to try being single for a while (he was my first bf). I did suggest that we take a break, he said maybe he should go home and I figure out what I wanted to do. But when he said that, reality drove home, and I realised that I cannot live without him, I would be lost. I suddenly realised that I still love my bf very much, and he has been my rock and been there every step of the way supporting me and loving me with his whole heart.

 

I told him I have no feelings for anyone else but him (which is true).

I'm confused as to whether it is best to have a short break (a week or so) or to just work on my relationship with my boyfriend and cut ties with these guys (or at least just be normal friends and make it clear the boundaries)

 

thank you

 

You need to look very closely at the reasons that you allowed yourself to do these things. There is clearly something lacking in either the relationship or in you, i.e. feeling taken for granted, needing attention, feeling that you are getting older and maybe less attractive. These are common things that happen in a long-term relationship.

 

You owe it to a long-term relationship to consider things very closely and to give your partner the opportunity to help you figure out what it is you need and he needs. You may be feeling these things because there are things he's not doing for you anymore or less of now than what you need.

 

This happens periodically in a long-term relationship. It gets stagnant and there is no excitement, you're going through the motions, so when you get attention from someone else at that point, it feels good on some level.

 

Get honest with yourself and him about your needs and let him be honest about his needs and whether they are being met and, if not, what can be done to fix that. Don't just bail before you do that.