WonderfullyOblivious Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 My boyfriend and I are very close and tend to share information with each other. On monday I decided to look through his history since I know he goes through mine as well upon looking I found out he searched for a girl's nude pictures. I didn't mind that he looked up (Hentai,pussy,emma watson nude,etc) As I also look up porn, but he looked up a girl that was the ex girlfriend of his best friend. I was really upset by it also because it was the same day I lost my virginity to him. He told me he was just curious and it meant nothing to him and he is not attracted to her and loves me. Now all I feel is ugly, because he kept telling me he isn't attracted to other girls and he only gets off to me. (He tends to get a boner whenever I am around him and he seems very happy with me.) He cried when I told him how hurt I was and felt betrayed. I don't want to break up with him, I just feel second now though. I feel not good enough, since he had to look up other women on our special day. (We were both virgins, by the way.) The whole day we were cold to each other and he kept trying to comfort me and make me feel better but I just feel so hurt inside. Am I over-thinking it? Was it such a big deal? My mother says everyone does it and my cousin said he probably didn't mean to hurt me. (The search history of that girl was from Aug.21.13, also the day we first had sex.) Any advice would be wonderful, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Internet porn isn't compatible with relationships IMO. The first sexual experience for many nowadays, is internet porn. Its a free for all where anything gos. Unfortunately the boundaries between fantasy and reality start to blur, and looking at pictures of strangers becomes looking at pictures of people that you know. He probably didn't mean anything by it. He was probably just checking out pictures of girls on the net, as he's done all his life. But net porn does not prepare a man for the realities and challenges of real life relationship. The question here is, does he love you and you alone? Does he only desire you in real life? If the answer to those questions is yes then keep in mind that he made love to you that day, and you alone. As for the porn, I'd knock it on the head. Its clearly not doing your relationship any good. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Internet porn isn't compatible with relationships IMO. The first sexual experience for many nowadays, is internet porn. Its a free for all where anything gos. Unfortunately the boundaries between fantasy and reality start to blur, and looking at pictures of strangers becomes looking at pictures of people that you know. He probably didn't mean anything by it. He was probably just checking out pictures of girls on the net, as he's done all his life. But net porn does not prepare a man for the realities and challenges of real life relationship. The question here is, does he love you and you alone? Does he only desire you in real life? If the answer to those questions is yes then keep in mind that he made love to you that day, and you alone. As for the porn, I'd knock it on the head. Its clearly not doing your relationship any good. That's gotta be one of the most close minded things I've heard on this board. Nothing wrong with porn. But how would he look up nudes of someone he knows on the internet? I mean it's not all that common for regular people to have nudes publically displayed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 That's gotta be one of the most close minded things I've heard on this board. Then try reading it with an open mind. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I already did. It's dogmatic. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 My boyfriend and I are very close and tend to share information with each other. On monday I decided to look through his history since I know he goes through mine WTF? Is this your definition of close and tending to share information? You both go behind each other's backs, looking up internet histories? I think this issue is a lot more worrying than the porn issue. In general, guys don't tend to attach as much meaning to these things as women do. You might view it as that "special day" you lost your virginity, but he probably views it as a great way to spend a saturday. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 That's gotta be one of the most close minded things I've heard on this board. Nothing wrong with porn. But how would he look up nudes of someone he knows on the internet? I mean it's not all that common for regular people to have nudes publically displayed. Let's not turn this into another porn thread, yeah? The fact is that porn CAN and DOES damage relationships. You denying that isn't going to make it any less true. In this case, I completely understand why she's bothered... it's not about porn, it's about the fact that he went and looked up a specific woman that they know. OP, why don't you ask him why he wanted to see this one specific girl nude? Him being curious isn't a good enough explanation... Delve deeper. -A 3 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Ya I agree with you arabella. Basically the point I was trying to get across (but really failed on) was: Watching porn doesn't cause the problems, it may be a symptom of an already existing problem but not the cause. That's what I believe. But I'm just confused as to how this guy can "look them up"? The average person doesn't have nudes online that guy can simply look up. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 But I'm just confused as to how this guy can "look them up"? The average person doesn't have nudes online that guy can simply look up. He doesn't sound particularly computer-literate. Maybe he just figured the search might turn something up. Many search engines can and do turn up porn results if the filter is switched off... It's not even about whether or not he did find something... the question is why HER? why this one girl? Right after he loses his virginity to his girlfriend... -A Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I already did. It's dogmatic. Fine. Here's some stories from ex porn stars. Keep an open mind to them as well. Ex Porn Star Stories | Pink Cross Foundation Link to post Share on other sites
Author WonderfullyOblivious Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 I did ask him about it and he just couldn't explain why he did it. He said it was one of those heat of the moment kind of things. He told me he has no feelings whatsoever towards her nor does he want to be with her. I am trying to understand because I know as humans we all like to look at others and see other people as attractive, but it just hits he would do that. We talked it out, and he cried explaining he only wants me and he's really sorry and it won't ever happen again. I told him that he lost my trust and will have to try really hard to get it back, and he said he would do his very best. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Studies have found the more a guy watches porn, the more harshly he judges women's naked bodies and the less aroused during sex he will be by a typical average girl. Its not a big deal if it doesnt affect your R, but many guys turn to porn and prefer porn after the honeymoon stage is over in a R and novelty of having sex with the same girl wears off. Theyll turn to porn because having sex is "too much work" Guys say its because a girl lets herself go or because she doesnt put out much, but that is not true. Porn is a guy's issue. The brain is malleable, overexposure to anything distorts your reality. Media images of women today have done the same. Studies have found that the standard of beauty has risen today and that men more harshly judge womens looks today than 50 years ago due to all the photoshopped, perfect media images of women everywhere...men start to actually believe women look like that. The fact that he looked up a specific person and not general porn (especially right after sleeping with you for the first time) is troublesome in my opinion. I would ask him about it. Yes I agree. I've also noticed , in personal experiences, that men who do not consume porn at all (or much) all made me feel good about my body, reassured me I was sexy, weren't bothered by a tiny bit of belly fat, and just appreciated my body the way it was (and I am sexy/pretty). My ex, in contrast, was a porn addict (not just an average consumer of porn) and man, did he make me feel unsexy, so self-conscious about my body, etc. Even made passive aggressve and direct remarks about how my body wasn't as attractive as porn stars'/ Thai prostitutes'. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 What if they prefer big girl porn? Does that change things? Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 The fact that he looked up a specific person and not general porn (especially right after sleeping with you for the first time) is troublesome in my opinion. I would ask him about it. No where does the OP say he looked up the woman "right after" sleeping with her. All OP mentions is the date. She doesn't say if he was searching before or after sex just that it was the same day. I don't understand why people are assuming he did that immediately after. OP, do you have times that show he did it right after you had sex? I did ask him about it and he just couldn't explain why he did it. He said it was one of those heat of the moment kind of things. I was on his side thinking maybe somebody had just mentioned she had naked pics and he looked just to see for himself or something. But what??? I don't think I've ever searched the internet in the "heat of the moment". Is that the exact phrasing he used or is it yours? I suspect he has a crush on her, but that's because I've never heard it to be common for men to randomly on a whim search for naked pics of women they know. Maybe some guys could help out and let us know if that's a regular thing. Why are we still talking about PORN? This has nothing to do with porn. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 This was not good that he did this, but he does seem to deeply regret the hurt that he caused you. Keep talking to him about this until you are in a better situation with him. He does sound like he is remorseful. See what his future actions are as actions can speak volumes. Is he still sorry and trying to treat you better? Link to post Share on other sites
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