lovehurts5 Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 So I'm having a bit of a dilemma. My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 9 months. I love him a lot but because of past experiences I have major trust issues. He says he hates how insecure I am and blah blah blah... Anyway, he's got many female friends which i have known since the start of our relationship. I can be pretty jealous but I think that I have gotten Much better. I am very open and honest in our relationship. In fact I have a hard time lying about anything because I care to much about hurting people or feeling guilty. I'm not sure whether I am feeling paranoid at times with him or If he actually is lying to me. He has told me that he is good at lying and hiding things and had to go to a therapist for lying a few times as a child. He said he'd never lie to me tho. So.... I'm really bad when it comes to watching his every move on social networks. And I know I'm completely wrong for doing so and I need to stop. But the other day I saw he started following some girl on instagram and I checked her page and he works with her. Then we were hanging out one day and she sent him a snapchat while we were hanging out. I said oh who's that? He told me her name and said that she worked at his old job. I said oh really where does she work now? He said he had no idea.... Which I knew was a lie because I had seen recent pics of her working at his new job. So that was #1. #2 is I saw this girl liked his status on Facebook and so I checked out her page since then and he has liked quite a few of her statuses. I was hanging out with him and a notification popped up that she private messaged him on fb and I didn't ask about it because I wanted to try the trusting thing.... Even tho I then checked her page again and she put on her status how she was feeling hungry and he wrote on it come eat at his restaurant and that he was bored. So I texted him asking not to get angry with me but I asked who she was. He said a friend from his old job (same thing) and that she dates one of his friends. He said he told me about her and I told him I didn't remember that convo and if he could remind me what he told me. He said he wasn't going through it all again. But I know for sure there was no conversation. I am friends with all of his friends from his old job too and none of them are friends with this girl. I know I am being a major snoop and need to stop. But I just feel like I'm being lied to and I want him to be honest with me. He has no reason to lie. He tells me he's going to marry me and how he's been looking at rings and such for me and I can see myself marrying him but not if he's lying.... But what if he's not and I'm just being a psycho girlfriend???? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 Call me crazy but it reads that he owns and works in his restaurant, yet you refer to his job and working w this woman. I get that both scenarios can coexist. He has a career job, owns a restaurant where he is present after career job hours. fwiw all people tell lies. Lying as a child is common and generally unrelated to adult behavior. That being said, he's lied currently and not excusing that but your insecurity and drama are problematic. Marrying him but so insecure and suspicious? How's that ever going to lead to a mature, trusting, secure marriage? I'm not getting it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurts5 Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 He doesn't own it be manages. I know that what I do is problematic and I want to stop its just hard not to snoop when sometimes he tells me one thing and the story through these social network tell me otherwise... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurts5 Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 Would it be better for me not to check into these things and stay ignorant to each situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 So he manages a restaurant, does this woman work for him? What are the specifics regarding work together, used to work together, he's recruiting a potential new employee? Changing your behavior after 9 months will require individual counseling, high motivation, persistent effort and feeling secure. You cannot wish this behavior away. What is gained by confronting him when he offers the excuse that he's dishonest w you to avoid drama and fighting??? What is your goal with confrontation? That's a task you need to think through and be ready to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurts5 Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 Also, I just reread my message and it sounds like scenario #1 and 2 are the same girl. They are 2 different girls. Basically I know no one really knows the answer as to whether or not he's being honest or lying except for him. I just was curious to see what other perspectives were for this situation. I don't want to leave him. I love him. But I also don't want to be lied to. Which he might not even be doing I might just be a nut. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 You've proclaimed him a liar. You've documented a lie he's told you. What you want is conflicted. You've got to establish a needs ranking. Need honesty above all else? Want this relationship more than establishing this lie as a deal breaker? He and his profession, much as you want him, may not be compatible with your insecurity. Restaurant managers generally are outgoing, work w lots of woman, marketing their place to everybody, flirty, schmooze people. It's their job. High labor turnover means they're constantly hiring and have a vast friend network. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 To put it into context. Some women cannot maintain a relationship w a physician, psychologist, attorney or clergy due to the confidentiality oath involved. Often the priority of client/patient needs above partner. It's just the way needs can be the incompatible factor. It's not one partner right, other partner wrong. Insecure and snoopy partners don't survive long in relationships with confidentiality careers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurts5 Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 I understand what you're saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 That being said, it's a crappy life to constantly check up/question/stalk and worry. He should be mature and confident enough to assure you and be honest. To openly discuss his career and how it may affect you. Caring, career focused men, early career, owe it to a potential marriage partner to lay it all out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurts5 Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 I completely agree. I don't want to be on edge all the time constantly stalking and worrying. I guess we will see what happens.. Link to post Share on other sites
twixed Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Lovehurts5, Your situation is highly suspicious and I have been in a situation very similar to yours. I've had a boyfriend who claimed that his job comes first and that the people he worked with come first and that I shouldn't be a jealous snooping gf. Well, after 6 months of uncovering lies and feeling like something is "off", I finally found certain evidence that he had been cheating on me as well as making himself available to all women who are interested and to his liking. If you suspect that something walks like a duck, talks like a duck and acts like a duck, it probably is freaking duck! Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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