cre8r Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 I posted the paragraph below a few months ago but this is still an unresolved issue between me and my girlfriend. There's no guilt, regret or any intention of changing on my girlfriends part. When she does this bro-in-law kissing, she says she has no agenda, my response is when she does this, she's actually acting out her agenda but she just does not get it. Again, I'm looking for more opinions, hopefully to think (I know it sounds crazy) to think that I'm the one with the problem. Would this be acceptable with you and your S.O.? When someone claims to love you, shouldn't there be actions by your significant other that remain exclusive only to you? My girlfriend always greets and departs with her brother-in-law with an extended hug, lasting perhaps a minute or so. She warned me of this "tradition" when we were first dating and says it means nothing sexually or romantically which I have no problem believing. However I was blindsided with a recent incident where she kissed him around 20 times(literally), on each cheek before he was to depart, chatted a while and did the same thing before actually departing. To those who may think I have an insecurity issue, be that as it may, but it was hurtful and I felt awkward watching her do this. When I brought the issue up to her, she was irritated and says she's done that for years and it means nothing. She said that's how all her family does (although I never saw anyone else go to that extreme) and when her and her brother-in-law were younger, they would go around town holding hands, telling everyone they were boyfriend and girlfriend. I have absolutely no suspescion that anything's going on, however I would never show or have that much passion over another person if I'm in love with my girlfriend. A simple hug and a single kiss would suffice. Now, whenever she kisses me all over my face, I'm always reminded of her doing that to her brother-in-law which takes the bite out of feeling special to her. And now the relatives think I'm the *******. Feel free to agree with them or please let me know otherwise as I'm looking for a general consensus of those not emotionally involved in this issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 You know that Saturday Night Live sketch? Usually Andy Samberg and Bill Hader were brining one of their girlfriends home to meet their parents and the girlfriend got very awkward because she saw how "affectionate" the family was with each other. Your story reminded me of that. If it makes you feel that uncomfortable (and it should) then this likely isn't the girl for you. Plus, you said this is her brother in law. So basically it is her sister's husband. A little strange that there is that much affection. Like you said, a hug and maybe a peck on the cheek at the end of the night is sufficient, at least for this culture. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 Dude you're still asking this question months later and she has refused to change (and you're still with her) You have no choice but to suck it up. Advice, turn around when they hug..then turn back after 5 minutes, hopefully it will be over by then..if not..go and hug his wife 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 Dude you're still asking this question months later and she has refused to change (and you're still with her) You have no choice but to suck it up. Advice, turn around when they hug..then turn back after 5 minutes, hopefully it will be over by then..if not..go and hug his wife Bad advice to waste five minutes. Next time when GF makes her move on BIL you make your move on BIL's wife/GF's sister. Link to post Share on other sites
Booklover79 Posted August 11, 2013 Share Posted August 11, 2013 This is definitely NOT acceptable behavior IMHO. She is going way over board with her brother-in-law. If I was her sister, I would be VERY suspicious and hurt. You have every right to feel awkward, I would too. If you have already told her that you are uncomfortable with their affection and she continues that behavior, then she is not respecting you as a person or partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cre8r Posted August 11, 2013 Author Share Posted August 11, 2013 I appreciate the responses, but the hugging the bro-in-laws wife isn't going to work because my girlfriend isn't threatened by her and I wouldn't want to do that anyway. Because I've been put in the jerk category for not accepting "what she's always done", I want to hear if this would be acceptable to YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted August 11, 2013 Share Posted August 11, 2013 This is abnormal behaviour. There's attraction at work here. As previously mentioned, do the same to her sister. Then when your g/f gets jealous, dump her sorry behind for being the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted August 11, 2013 Share Posted August 11, 2013 I appreciate the responses, but the hugging the bro-in-laws wife isn't going to work because my girlfriend isn't threatened by her and I wouldn't want to do that anyway. Because I've been put in the jerk category for not accepting "what she's always done", I want to hear if this would be acceptable to YOU. She's not threatened now...but a couple of real long hugs later she will. Whisper into her ear for added effect. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted August 11, 2013 Share Posted August 11, 2013 Seriously dude, you posted here before and was told this is not normal. You told her it bothers you and yet she told you to do one and accept it. You're still with her. So I guess you have to accept it. Thing is, if the brother-in-law, you, and the brother-in-laws wife all stand there and let this happen, then it's ok right? The brother-in-law doesn't pull away, the wife looks away and accepts it, you stand there gnashing your teeth but you take it. So it's ok!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cre8r Posted August 11, 2013 Author Share Posted August 11, 2013 Yeah Darren, it sucks I didn't shake this by now, although it may be futile, I'm trying to make it work. When this issue is brought up, her response now is "don't worry, Jack won't go around me now because he's concerned about what you might think". Which really pisses me off because she's ignoring the fact that I don't give a crap about a hug and a kiss or 2 or even 3 or 4, it's kissing all over his face that she just won't acknowledge. And why does Jack have to be proactive in the situation, shouldn't she control her actions? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 (edited) hug his wife xxxxxxxx they must accept your gift of a new tradition, say so, so thoughtful of you, but really, these ppl sound weeeird Edited August 12, 2013 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 As a man you have two options: 1) Tolerate it without whining 2) Don't tolerate it (leave her) because she refuses to change Whining and staying is the wimpiest, most pathetic route to take. She'll lose respect for you and you'll feel pathetic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cre8r Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 You are correct Man. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 When this issue is brought up, her response now is "don't worry, Jack won't go around me now because he's concerned about what you might think". Which really pisses me off You should not be pissed off about her saying this. You should instead stop trying to be a nice guy and embrace it by telling her that you are glad that he is finally showing the respect for you and your relationship with your girlfriend that was long overdue. Tell her that maybe when your relationship was new, and you were just another date, it was OK, but it stopped being OK with you a long time ago. why does Jack have to be proactive in the situation, shouldn't she control her actions? You are spot on asking this question, and it is time that you make her answer it. Tell her that traditions that may be fine when you are single are not fine when you are in a relationship; for instance you traditionally had sex with other women, but that you have ended this tradition now that you are in a relationship with her. If she tries to tell you that it was OK with her exs, point out that the very fact that they are now exs, proves that those were relationships that did not work and thus should not be emulated. Then tell her that you do not want this practice or any other such practice to continue, and that if she has a problem respecting what you believe to be a normal and reasonable request, then maybe it is time that you both seriously evaluate if this is going to work. Tell her that in respecting your wishes, you expect her to not only stop doing this, but you also expect her to speak up for you on this with the rest of her family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Tell her how would she like it if you did that to your ex-girlfriend? I would also ask her the next time she does that would they like to get a room? How does his wife feel about it? She does not respect you, because she knows it bothers you and will not stop. I would tell her I am not going to be her back-up plan to her brother-in-law and if is does not end, I would be finished with the relationship. She does not respect your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 14, 2013 Share Posted August 14, 2013 Yuck. She's clearly not planning on changing her behaviour. You've told her many times how it upsets you and yet she continues to essentially make out with the brother-in-law. She doesn't respect your wishes, which are perfectly reasonable..you're not making a crazy demand on her here. She's also being incredibly passive-aggressive by stating that her BIL won't come near her at all now. Please. Separate from her on the grounds that she stomps all over your boundaries and disrespects you. Or stay with her and quit complaining about it. Link to post Share on other sites
emva07 Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 (edited) If it doesn't feel right to you it's because you subconsciously know something is not right. Learned that the hard way when I kept brushing off my bf being close to my sister as him trying to be nice bc he loved ME. He'd say " baby you're crazy. I'm a nice guy and I just want to be nice to them. She's your sister and I love you " YEP. my instincts were right. He wanted to have sex with her. Always trust your instincts. They're there for a reason. Edited August 15, 2013 by emva07 Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 There's no incentive for her to change her behaviour if you stick around. This rule of thumb holds true for all fauna and flora on Earth, including and especially humans. If a tree continues to grow its roots under a home where the cement foundation is starting to crack because of the pressure, saying to it "stop that", even a thousand times, isn't going to stop the tree from destroying your home. But if you were to chop off the invasive roots, your foundation won't continue cracking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nik1 Posted August 17, 2013 Share Posted August 17, 2013 You need to start doing the same thing with her sister. Maybe a little tongue here and there. Link to post Share on other sites
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