4 Year Relationship - 1 Year Later The Past Catches Up (Cheating Story)

[Zebulon]

Okay before I get into this I just want to say I am completely new to this site and this is my first time EVER releasing info about what I did in my 4 year relationship, August 21st, 2011. This is haunting me and I can find no possible way to show the girl that I do love that I have a "Legitimate" answer as to why I didn't say "No". So lets get into this.

 

August 21st 2011 was the worst day of my life more or less. That's how I looked at it after the situation and how I look at it even more so now since I have been bashed by it for 2 weeks now about since thats how long it lasted.

 

What happened was, I had friends living with me at the time, a boy named Harold and a boy named Norman. Harold was and still is my best friend to this day. They invited their cousin over and to which my surprise was a girl. She started off by meeting me through the fact that I smoked at the given time and she would bum cigs off me. Not that I cared, I didn't think much of it. I wasn't really a "Friend" to her nor was she to me. Either way, we all were hanging out alot and walking her to work and such and her and I were friends. I never thought that I was going to ever cheat on my girlfriend of 3 years at the time with a bi sexual person (nothing against bi's but...yeah) and on August 21st, 2011, Myself, My friend Harold, his brother, his cousin, and his cousins girlfriend at the time, and his cousins friend were up at her apartment. We were watching a movie called The Orphan. Now prior to this her and I would text but it wasn't very often. I wasn't talking to her about anything sexual because I knew where my heart was and I figured that I could trust myself not to do something so stupid. However, that night everytime she would get up and if she walked by me she would touch me on my shoulder or something of the sort. I didn't think much of it because I have friends that would walk up pat me on my shoulder hug me at my shoulders, etc. So, then she began looking at people and shortly after those people would start to leave. First her girlfriend decided to leave because her parents wanted her home I guess, then Harold's brother decided to leave.

 

After harold's brother left, nick decided to leave (cousins friend), So all that was left there was me, harold and his cousin. Now she at this point had brought her sleepingbag blanket thing out and her pillow and laid it on the floor crawled under it and fell asleep. I got up from the floor because I was sitting near a tarantula and felt VERY VERY VERY uncomfortable since I have a phobia of spiders and big ones and snakes and such. I got up and went on the couch. Now, harold decided to leave and I wanted to finish watching the movie and I figured I would stay till it was over then call it a night and go back home, very simple right?..Everything would go as planned right? Wrong.

 

So harold ended up leaving and she just miraculously woke up and went to the bathroom and I thought nothing of it. The movie was nearly over as it was getting down to the point where the wife in the movie finds out that the orphan girl was actually a grown dwarf size woman that was a murderer and such. So, it was almost done. She comes out of the bathroom and out of her bedroom since thats where her bathroom was in the apartment and proceeds over to the couch and lays down basically where I was laying and more or less starts kissing me and touching me. At this point i did feel uncomfortable. So the questioning begins, why didn't I say no? So moving on. Her kissing and her touching got to a point where she eventually had my pants down but not completely off and she was the same more or less. Again, why didn't I say no? At this point I know very well what is going on and I have never stated to my girlfriend of almost four years now that I didn't at that point. But she always says "Why didn't you say no if you loved me"

 

Now at this point I am inside of her and we're having what I call SEX. I felt no passion, I felt guilty, I felt ashamed, and I felt no love at all whatsoever while doing this. All I could think about was the person that I was in love with and what this was going to do to her and I's relationship and how hellish it was going to be because of it. Now during this I did try to pull back a few times (It was too late basically anyways) and by pull back I mean, to stop it and say No I can't do this anymore. But she had her legs wrapped TIGHTLY around mine so basically she was thrusting herself on me and I was more or less laying there kind of vined together. Now, I had said and stated it pretty clear that this isn't right and that I can't keep doing this and that I didn't want this. But it went to the point where I couldn't let go outside of her and it instead was let loose inside of her. That is something I NEVER wanted to happen either.

 

After all of this was said and done I got my clothes pulled back up and down and whatever and sat down with my arms on my knees and my head in my hands bawling my eyes out and his cousin had the nerve to ask me what was wrong and try to reach for me to where I shook it off saying No. I kept asking myself, How could i do this, how could I cheat, how am I going to explain this, how am I going to justify this, she's going to leave me, what if she's pregnant because I couldn't pull out.

 

I was so filled with Regret, Guilt, Ashamed of myself, etc. You name the negative things you can think of yourself in a situation like this, and thats the name for me.

 

Anyways, now since August 21st 2012 has come and gone, all she has done mostly everyday is bring it up and constantly ask, "Zeb, why can't you give me a legitimate reason as to why you didn't say no, and if you can't give me a legitimate answer, then you obviously wanted it"

 

Now that's not the case at all. I didn't want it, I explained it, I tried pulling back, I tried pulling out, I tried everything, I should've stopped it when the kissing and touching from her started. But I didn't, but that doesn't mean I expected it to turn into Sex.

 

When it comes to sexual intercourse, its up to the woman to decide if she wants it, not the man. I don't force myself to when I am with my Fiance basically right now and that's how its been for four years. Its her decision. At anyrate back on topic.

 

With how I felt and what I said even during what was going on, and believe me, I have explained this to her down to a direct grave. I cannot give a legitimate answer because I cannot find a legitimate answer to give. All I can say is that I should have said NO and not done anything AT ALL. She doesn't believe that I was seduced, or didn't realize what was going on when the kissing and touching started. At that point I didn't, but I did fell uncomfortable. But also because this is my 2nd sexual experience but first time with another girl. I didn't know it was going to turn into that.

 

So what I need help with is, how can I honestly explain Legitimately in a way she will understand or believe me that I didn't want this, and that I should have said no but made the mistake of not saying no when the kissing and touching began. She doesn't believe that I felt guilty or regretted it after and she feels that "If you loved me you would've said no, If you loved me you wouldn't have done anything, if you loved me this, if you loved me that." and not once have I blamed her for saying that but having this thrown in your face everyday when you still deal with it yourself when you have the time to think about it is bad enough. Guilt trips aren't fun to deal with and this is one that I need to get out of now so that her and I can be adults for our two children that we have, and we had one at that given time this occurred. We need to work it out and work our way through it, but she is not willing to be cordial and work it out as mature adults instead of childish irrational kids.

 

What do I do, how do i get her to understand my point of view, while I understand her point of view VERY clear?

[strongnrelaxed]

There is a complex answer to your question and a simple one. The simple one is that you are a human being.

 

People will judge the crap out of you. We are lied to about the reality of human sexuality and taught about fairy tales and religious values and all sorts of nonsense. Then we are confronted with the sorts of situations you find yourself in and we devastate each other's lives because of it.

 

This is a very long and complicated dynamic. If we could figure this out, the world would change immediately.

 

First of all, if you commit to someone you should keep that commitment. Period. The problem is that at 20-25 years old, we are not really capable of making life long commitments like this. In less complex societal structures, fidelity is not challenged as much. Today, it is becoming harder and harder for both men and women to be faithful. Don't believe me, look at the stats.

 

I do think that we should stop making cheating the primary test of love though. If your woman shames you excessively about this, you should leave her. You screwed up and she deserves a man who will never cheat and who will demonstrate his love in the way she needs him to.

 

You, on the other hand, should try harder to avoid situations in which you will find yourself alone with other women. Even when you do this you will STILL be challenged to remain faithful.

 

Never forget that we are human beings and we have basic drives. I honor and respect the men who can stay faithful forever. I cannot and will be single until the day I die. At least I admit this and will always be honest with any women with whom I engage in a relationship.

 

Women are not whores and men are not dogs. We are humans.

 

When humanity can figure this out, we are on our way to good things.

[Zebulon]

Years ago in a relationship we had before, she cheated on me as well, and I was able to forgive her for it...so I don't think leaving and giving up when i have 2 kids with her is an option for my children's sake.

[strongnrelaxed]

Years ago in a relationship we had before, she cheated on me as well, and I was able to forgive her for it...so I don't think leaving and giving up when i have 2 kids with her is an option for my children's sake.

 

Oh! Zebulon! No! Do not think this way. If you allow someone to cheat on you without consequences, forget about what will happen to your feelings. You will teach your children that this is ok. Believe me they will find out.

 

Unfortunately I have had to make this very harsh decision. Interestingly, the whole world will blame YOU for leaving! This is the craziness in which we find ourselves these days. Women have their own version of this, so don't think that men are the only ones suffering in this way.

 

I am very truly sorry for you. Because I have felt these feelings I know how harsh they can be.

 

But you should dig deep and consider your most deeply held values. If you feel bullied into staying because "That's what a REAL man would do" then you are are falling into a very disgusting trap.

 

Think hard on this.

 

Do not listen to me, there are many websites about this. nomoremrniceguy is one. Another is thegoodmenproject. There are also mens rights activists websites that will help you gain perspective. The only thing I will caution you on is that women are not evil. Some men on these sites are so hurt that they take it all out on women. Try to balance this as you read.

 

Good luck. I wish you the best.

[It's Just Me]

I'm not going to judge. But I will suggest that you have learned a very valuable lesson. And your girlfriend is absolutely right. I'm old, but I figured out long ago that hanging around a party late at night when the only people left are me and someone of the opposite sex (who is not my significant other) is a bad idea. A really, really bad idea.

 

My company has annual general meetings every year, and it's a bigass party. I make it a point to head for my room by 11:00 or so. Every year, the next morning, I hear about the BS that happens in the wee hours, when everyeone is drunk out the wazoo. Don't get me wrong - I can tie one on with the best of them, but I pick my moments.

 

I maintain that being drunk is never an excuse for bad behaviour. Ever.

[Zebulon]

I'm not going to judge. But I will suggest that you have learned a very valuable lesson. And your girlfriend is absolutely right. I'm old, but I figured out long ago that hanging around a party late at night when the only people left are me and someone of the opposite sex (who is not my significant other) is a bad idea. A really, really bad idea.

 

My company has annual general meetings every year, and it's a bigass party. I make it a point to head for my room by 11:00 or so. Every year, the next morning, I hear about the BS that happens in the wee hours, when everyeone is drunk out the wazoo. Don't get me wrong - I can tie one on with the best of them, but I pick my moments.

 

I maintain that being drunk is never an excuse for bad behaviour. Ever.

 

What do you mean she's right? Can you go into detail about that?

[Darren Steez]

I don't buy it, if this were a girl there would be people flaming her for not stopping it.

Dude you make out like this girl forced herself on you, forced your pants down, forced you to kiss her, forced you inside her or in your words "you didn't stop it"

 

Let's just set this straight, truth is you wanted the sex, somewhere in the back of your head you wanted it, because you had loads of opportunities to put a stop to it, because let's face it you weren't sitting there with your arms at the side like an inanimate rag doll were you?

 

So now you're trying to find an explanation to why? You could have said no but you didn't and that will always be with you, so all you can do from now is just be the best dad and boyfriend you can be, my only worry is she cheated before then you cheated now a year on she's still guilt tripping you, so it might end up being a cycle of recrimination. Good luck though

[TaraMaiden]

Now that's not the case at all. I didn't want it, I explained it, I tried pulling back, I tried pulling out, I tried everything, I should've stopped it when the kissing and touching from her started. But I didn't, but that doesn't mean I expected it to turn into Sex.

 

Yeah, I'm sorry to pick this part of the post, but honey, as a woman who's been on the wrong end of forced advances, this is just bullschyt.

Unless this girl was a 6-foot-thirteen Amazon with biceps like a bull's behind, - you could have stopped at absolutely any given moment.

Look at how you contradict yourself....

 

At this point I know very well what is going on and I have never stated to my girlfriend of almost four years now that I didn't at that point.

 

I didn't want it, I explained it, I tried pulling back, I tried pulling out, I tried everything, I should've stopped it when the kissing and touching from her started. But I didn't, but that doesn't mean I expected it to turn into Sex.

 

You're kidding, right...?

A girl climbs onto you, starts kissing you, pulling your pants down as well as her own - and you didn't expect it to turn into sex?

 

'tried... tried.... tried.... should have..... but didn't....' that's all on you.

 

And this is the bit where you should have leapt to your feet, and yelled : "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING - !?!" right here:

 

and more or less starts kissing me and touching me. At this point i did feel uncomfortable.

 

 

When it comes to sexual intercourse, its up to the woman to decide if she wants it, not the man. .

Oh yes, right, I see, of course. Well, that explains everything. it's all making complete sense to me now....

Because you're a man, it's ok to let this happen, because even though you obviously DIDN'T want this to happen, it wasn't your decision.

 

Gotcha.

[Andy_K]

You need to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with your girlfriend.

 

You could start with "I've never had to turn down sex from a girl before, I was shocked"

 

Also perhaps "I felt less responsible for what was happening because she was initiating everything. It was easier to continue than to stop"

 

Maybe try admitting you found the girl attractive too...