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About revenge affairs (I think at times it can be justified)


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NathanSHawk

Well it's about my friend that's in that dilemna and sometimes explains how he wishes to get a divorce if it weren't for their 11 year-old daughter but then keeps saying how much he still loves her and can't hate her.

 

The problem for him started last year when he found out through an old receipt and message that his wife's been having a long-term affair since the 7th year of their 12th year-old marriage. According to him, she claims to have stopped the affair only a couple months before he discovered it but felt guilty and never wanted for him to find out (unfortunately he did).

 

Fast forwards: his wife is ''remorseful'' but he told me a secret. He said that last week he had a ONS (one night stand) with another woman he knows for a while but recently spoke on facebook. Thing is now he really likes her and doesn't even know if he has to confess to his cheating.

 

IMO does the wife even deserves to know it if she would have never told him herself? Plus he only did a ONS which is nothing compared to a long-term affair. I've known him for years. He was always a good man, mature for his age, always into commitment, providing for the family and yet she does this to him. As a friend, I just told him to not feel bad and go for it. I mean she sure enjoyed every moment, why can't he do the same!!

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ascendotum

You'll probably get a variety of answers here, but for me...

I wouldn't tell the wife. She doesn't deserve to know. I would have thought the vast majority of people who cheat, don't confess, regardless of the motive. I would also ask him, what possible good would come from informing his wife, that he had sex with someone else?

 

If I was married and my wife cheated on me and I discovered it and decided to keep the marriage going, I would not go out of my way to seek sex with someone else for revenge, but if an opportunity came up at some point down the track, where a woman I was highly attracted to wanted to have sex, then my conscience would now allow me to.

I also consider a secret LTA to be a greater breach of fidelity than a ONS cheat.

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I don't really blame him, after being humiliated like that. Maybe he feels the need to prove his manhood again, so he wants to tell her. Show she's not the only one that's wanted by other people. I think you should let him do whatever he feels like doing, whether it be tell her or not.

 

Oh, and don't let him fool you into believing he doesn't really want to stay with her. Nobody stays in a situation they absolutely want to get out of "just for the kids".

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It's not a ONS if he's been communicating with her since - especially now that he's all happy about the attention he's receiving from this OW.

 

He's no different than his W! They have BOTH caused harm to each other and now others.

 

Maybe they deserve each other. If nothing else - he should be honest about what he's done - and his lack of character.

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NathanSHawk
ONS vs. LTA...both involve jacked up coping skills, betrayal, disrespect of all involved and the maturity level of a middle school student. I can totally see myself justifying cheating by lowering my standards to do that which I hurt me in....yeah, the way of the world. :sick:
I think he was at his lowest point by then. I recalled seeing him breakdown when he found out about it (I was there) and he seemed pale.

It took him a while to say She cheated when asking what's wrong. Not only that but he took a break from his job. He was at a terrible state of mind.

 

I think a betrayal like that or other traumatic things can at times cause even a quiet or shy person to react and act in destructive ways. He used to be what most women would call a good man, that one that never was interested in casual sex but only relationships.

 

It goes back to many years back: we were 17 long ago and while me and my other buddies were into just dating around, he always thought about the future and studied hard to be financially stabled.

 

He wouldn't have cheated if she hasn't done that. I think she destroyed him completely and as a result he'll never be the same again.

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NathanSHawk
It's not a ONS if he's been communicating with her since - especially now that he's all happy about the attention he's receiving from this OW.
I think so too but he did told me that at first he only wanted sex, to feel that's it like doing it with another woman and go outside his marriage like she did. He actually wanted any random woman at first but instead chose the one he knew.

 

Things changed for him after he did it with her. That's when he started liking her more and wanted to go on but stopped. Another thing is she knows about the situation with his wife and knows it was only sex. He doesn't want to continue but at the same time contacts her.

 

I don't think it's the same because his wife hurt him so badly to the worst extend, destroying him on the inside and outside, destroying his good self and he was too shocked to functioned by then.

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I think so too but he did told me that at first he only wanted sex, to feel that's it like doing it with another woman and go outside his marriage like she did. He actually wanted any random woman at first but instead chose the one he knew.

 

Things changed for him after he did it with her. That's when he started liking her more and wanted to go on but stopped. Another thing is she knows about the situation with his wife and knows it was only sex. He doesn't want to continue but at the same time contacts her.

 

I don't think it's the same because his wife hurt him so badly to the worst extend, destroying him on the inside and outside, destroying his good self and he was too shocked to functioned by then.

 

Nope. He's just the same as she is. He just hasn't been honest yet.

 

And since he's focused on the OW - he has no time to focus energy on his W. so he may as well leave his wife because he's now doing her no favor by staying...

 

So now he wants more than sex from a gal that's not even interested in him beyond the sex?

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NathanSHawk
So now he wants more than sex from a gal that's not even interested in him beyond the sex?
Well from what I get is he was being honest with her in saying there won't be any commitment beyond sex. It's kinda like he made it his rule and she is going along with it.
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Well from what I get is he was being honest with her in saying there won't be any commitment beyond sex. It's kinda like he made it his rule and she is going along with it.

 

Are you being his true friend and telling him what a complete azzhat he's being?

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NathanSHawk
Are you being his true friend and telling him what a complete azzhat he's being?
But if Nellie (that's her name) knows what's she got into then it shouldn't hurt her. She agreed to it.
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But if Nellie (that's her name) knows what's she got into then it shouldn't hurt her. She agreed to it.

 

Ok troll...

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NathanSHawk
Ok troll...
Just telling it from what I see and everything he's told me since discovery day.

His male cousin and I are the only ones that know this.

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ascendotum
Nope. He's just the same as she is. He just hasn't been honest yet.

 

And since he's focused on the OW - he has no time to focus energy on his W. so he may as well leave his wife because he's now doing her no favor by staying...

 

So now he wants more than sex from a gal that's not even interested in him beyond the sex?

 

Hold on. This guy has had sex once and is maybe thinking about it again + maybe chatting to this OW a bit more. I am sure he can think about this woman and send her an email or two in his spare time without it absorbing all his hours & his focus when he's at home. This guy's wife managed to get by juggling him and his daughter and another lover for the past for 5 years.

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RiverRunning

Revenge affairs are common - in fact I've heard that the majority of affairs women have stem from revenge (reaction to a partner's real or perceived extramarital relationship - usually to recover lost self-esteem and to feel desirable again). For men, it's a little more unusual.

 

Maybe I'm a little unethical, but I think that if a person has ONE one night stand, and will NEVER do it again - there is no reason to bring it up. I think the consequences of a one-time (albeit major) action can cause far more destruction by bringing it to light than what it's worth.

 

However, if it's going to happen MORE than once, he needs to come clean. If he can't control himself, he needs to come clean. There is obviously a huge communication issue between these two and they need to find a way to work it out.

 

I would ask my friend, "What good do you think will come of sleeping with someone else again? What are your goals? Do you want to save your marriage, get divorced, hurt her first and THEN divorce her?" He needs to figure out what he wants, not hop from bed to bed to feel better about what she's done to him. I do feel for him, but now that he's had a little extramarital fun, he needs to figure out what's really important here.

 

The two should probably get into counseling together and work on these issues. Maybe they need more excitement in their marriage. He needs to figure out WHY his wife sought out an affair for years before he can really start to work on this. Did she feel neglected, was the 'excitement' gone out of their relationship, what?

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Mme. Chaucer

Since both of them seem to want outside sex as part of the "culture" of their marriage, why not just have an open relationship?

 

If the guy thinks that affairs are wrong, hurtful and destructive to his marriage, then he is also wrong to have one. "Two wrongs don't make a right," right?

 

If he can't forgive her for her affair (it would be difficult) then he needs to go.

 

Two people being vengeful, lying and cheating is not promoting a nice environment for an adolescent. Divorce would be better.

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"About revenge affairs (I think at times it can be justified)"

 

No, they aren't justified, ever. All cheating in revenge does is make you a cheater yourself and you then become something no decent person would want in a potential partner.

 

I don't care what the reason, if I found out someone cheated, I don't want to be with someone with that kind of character.

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IMO this is not a revenge affair. At some point in time, years into the affair, the marriage became a sham, no longer existed as a moral agreement, and only legal requirements with respect to children and marital property remain. So the guy's ONS with the woman is not an affair at all, since IMO he isn't really married on a moral level. Would say the same if OP's friend were female.

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NathanSHawk
Divorce would be better.
True but he refuses to and claims to still love his wife but at the same time still wants to hang out with Nellie.
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NathanSHawk
If the guy thinks that affairs are wrong, hurtful and destructive to his marriage, then he is also wrong to have one. "Two wrongs don't make a right," right?
That's how he once used to be but yesterday he started venting out about how he wasted time being a good man and husband, only to have that happened.
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NathanSHawk
The two should probably get into counseling together and work on these issues. Maybe they need more excitement in their marriage. He needs to figure out WHY his wife sought out an affair for years before he can really start to work on this. Did she feel neglected, was the 'excitement' gone out of their relationship, what?
He was the type of guy that I didn't think any women would cheat on him (I would say way more generous than me, I'm not much of a gentleman). Every time I would visit them, they seemed like an almost perfect couple so it was shocking when he told about it. I guess in the end you never know who you'll be dealing with.

 

Now what's changing is he might not stop contacting Nellie and clearly likes her more than before.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Maybe your friend should get rid of the wife for the time being and focus on his little girl. He has to figure out what the best road to take is for himself and his daughter only. His wife's feelings he can toss aside and shouldn't be wasting anymore of his life feeling betrayed and resentful.

He must strengthen himself up and pave a new road for himself. HE will be better off and find someone great, even if it is Nellie.

 

His Daughter doesn't need to see a self destructing daddy for the sake of

"saving a marriage" after an affair. its like giving CPR to roadkill!!!

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