I'm not sure about my boyfriend

[evolox]

We've been dating for about a year now, and I was in a relationship when he started to pursue me. I don't regret it, and I realize it's horrible, but I don't. The relationship I had been in started to decline.

 

Regardless, he's sweet, says the most romantic things at the most random and best times, and he's (sadly) the first guy I was majorly attracted to for his looks, as well as just him. He's been married before, and his first relationship out of that marriage was disastrous. She was an alcoholic and cheated on him multiple times, then left him for her ex boyfriend.

 

About 2 months into our relationship, I noticed he was very jealous. I still talk to a few of my exes, as friends, and most of my friends are guys. One day, when we were lying in bed, he looked through my phone as I played possum. I couldn't believe him, that he didn't trust me. He didn't tell me about it and was very angry with me and visibly upset for the next few days. I knew what was wrong, but I wanted him to admit it. Finally, he did and we got into a huge fight. As our relationship has gone on, we've had multiple fights about me being a dumbass and not respecting his wishes to speak to my exes because he's so paranoid. But they're my friends, and sometimes I can't help it.

 

Two days before my birthday, one of my exes I only can take in small doses called to wish me a happy birthday. He then proceeded to ramble on about stuff that didn't really matter to me and then we ended the call. Boyfriend looked through my phone when I wasn't near it and saw that call. A few days later, he asked me when I had last talked to one of my exes. Forgetting about the call, I said I talked to the one I most frequently talked to about what I was doing for my birthday. And then he straight out says "You're lying" and brings up the call, and, big surprise, we fight. He didn't give me a chance to even explain myself and just went for a walk to cool down. I was furious. I got all of my stuff together and as I was in the car trying to calm down from crying so I could drive, he knocks on my door. I roll down the window and he asks where I was going and I said home. Basically I remember him saying that I wasn't even going to try to explain myself or something, and I said he didn't give me a chance to explain myself and that's why I was going home.

 

A lot of the time he says really hurtful stuff like "Oh, well when you leave me..." "Have a hot date with one of your other bfs?" "Guess you could find someone else..." And he does this constantly, no matter how many times I tell him it hurts. It makes me feel like he doesn't trust me, but he says he does, but I'm not especially inclined to believe him. He doesn't go through my phone anymore, but I feel like that only escalated this behavior. I mentioned going a club I used to frequent with a gay friend of mine. I've not big on partying or anything like that, but once and a while, I like to go out with this friend of mine and just dance, and we always have a blast. But he just said "Why? So you can pick up another guy? Do you want me to leave that night so you can bring him home?"

 

I had a New Year's party this year and we got into a huge fight because one of my exes, who is as close a friend to nearly everyone I'm close to, showed up. And after that, he was fine. Perfect, even. He was acting how he was when I first started dating him. I am now in school 8 hours away, and I feel like that that fight made him realize he should start being a better boyfriend before I find someone else up here in school.

 

I just don't know how to help him, and that's so frustrating. I just want him to see the light, as it were, and see that I'm just here, as me. Not his exes. He isn't controlling. When we fight, he rarely raises his voice, although you can tell how angry he is with his tone. When I'm home and go see friends without him, he gets upset, but he closes off and denies it. Every time I talk to him, he just closes up and doesn't say anything.

 

I'm not cheating on him. Some say that when guys act like this, they're actually lying/cheating etc. I'm not sure if bringing this up might help, what do you think?

 

I'm starting to think that my only option is to either leave him or mention it. But either options would break me, and probably mess him up more than he already is. I've done that too many times and I'm tired of it. I don't want to anymore.

 

What should I do?

[Professor X]

I think you 2 are just a bad match.

 

He has huge trust issues due to his past - which he cannot be faulted for, and you on the other, have to many exes for a person with his views.

 

I can't blame him though, I will never date a person who kept in touch with her exes, even one, as it's a Pandora box waiting to be opened (and also indicates you have problems moving forward in life), and he, after being cheated on, will have issues with his girl getting to close to any man, let alone those she slept with in the past.

[LoveAnimals]

Hmm I completely agree with Professor X.

 

I dont particurlaly think either of you are doing anything wrong, its just you clearly have very different views on an issue that is big enough to be a deal breaker. I think you both need to find someone that shares your opinion on the ex factor.

 

My current relationship has been ruined by my BF's innappropriate friendship with his ex, which he claims is strictly just friendly. For me personally, from now on one of my requirements will be no contact with an ex, it seems like it brings nothing but problems i have learned.

 

Either way find someone who shares the same views as you.

[Professor X]

it seems like it brings nothing but problems i have learned.

 

Either way find someone who shares the same views as you.

 

I agree with you agreeing with me.

[RiverRunning]

I agree with Professor X and LoveAnimals for agreeing with Professor X

 

You were in a relationship when you started dating this guy - sometimes I wonder what goes through a person's head when they start pursuing someone in a relationship, even if the relationship is going on a decline. All this means is that when you start dating her, suddenly you realize you're NOT special and she may well be romancing the next guy in line. She dumps you just like she dumped her ex and runs off with the man on the sidelines. But, people tend not to think that way when they're pursuing a girl - it's once they have her that it dawns on them that they could be the next victim.

 

His past is one of the reasons he's acting this way. It would make sense that he pursue someone who doesn't keep in touch with her exes. Why he chose a partner, then, who keeps in contact with all of hers is beyond me.

 

It's obvious this is only going to cause more stress until you DO cheat on him - or he beats you to the punch in a bid to protect himself from a perceived threat. I think it's just time to end this whole thing. In the future, if you haven't already, be very frank and upfront with any prospective dates about your contact with your exes.

[loversquarrel]

I agree with all. Being a man who was cheated on, I may be able to help you understand your s.o. a little better. He is still showing signs of the obvious pain and maybe even some emotional abuse he may have suffered during his marriage. Everything you are doing is like one red flag after the other to him and he is fighting more within himself than he is with you. Believe me when I say he hates how he feels and he wants to trust you but he can't because right now he doesn't trust relationships. He needs someone who is better suited to deal with his pain (past), someone more understanding, reassuring, and traditional (by traditional I am referring to someone who realizes that having ex's around more often than not puts strain on a relationship). He has an obvious problem you already know about and to be honest, you aren't showing an ability to compromise, and unless you figure something out and he gets help it will undoubtedly fail.

[RiverRunning]

You say it, girlfran.

 

Very rarely do I see anything beneficial come out of having an ex-partner around (only exception in my mind is if you share children). More often than not, it's an invitation for cheating or it brings in heaps of jealousy. Sure, it probably makes the partner contacting the ex feel good - look, my boyfriend's jealous over me, he really loves me! - but it is agonizing to be the one on the other end of that line.

 

OP, your backstory is one born out of betrayal. You did cheat with him, regardless of the state of your relationship. He cheated with you too to be fair, but he wasn't paired up at the time.

 

I would suggest compromise on your part - namely, that may involve cutting exes out of your life if this is going to work, or simply accepting you will have to dump him and start looking for someone with similar views on exes. At the very least, couples' counseling is very likely in order here: there are some seriously dysfunctional patterns to the relationship.

 

He's feeling uneasy because now it's dawning on him that you may well cheat with someone again, only this time he will be the victim. How nice of him to suddenly start thinking about it now that his forbidden-fruit-paramour may now be looking elsewhere. Ask him what you can do to put him at ease - what you can conceivably do to help him build trust in you. That may mean talking over how the two of you ended up dating in the first place. That may mean that both of you need to discuss any guilt you may feel about betraying your former boyfriend. It also means he needs to start addressing his past...and that his behavior will almost certainly drive you to someone else, whether you cheat or not.

[black_shemer]

,just like ur bf,im a jealous person too.when i found out dat someone from his past is still communicating wd him,i get upset.its just that mine is mine.just like ur bf,he just wanted u without sharing to other exes.

[evolox]

I guess I didn't say it in the original post. I have ceased talking to all exes since the New Year's party. I have not and will not cheat on him, regardless of how our relationship started. As for trying to help him get through all of this mess, I have been understanding, and reassuring and I've been more "traditional" as I've cut them all out of my life. I have tried to compromise but that just leads to him closing up and just saying "Sorry I know I'm a horrible boyfriend."

 

Some of the replies say to break up with him, but I know that will not go over well for him. Thinking about it now, and taking back what I said about leaving him, I don't want to. At the time I posted this, I was in hysterics and not thinking clearly. Now I've taken a step back from the situation, and all I want to do is be able to talk to him and help him work this out. In my opinion, relationships take effort from both sides and require trust, honesty, and commitment. I've gotten love and commitment, and I just want him to be honest. I know that will take some time, and I know it will be hard for him because his past and what's happened is so painful. But I want to stick it through with him.

Edited April 8, 2012 by evolox

[Professor X]

Good luck.

 

But understand that trust is not easily fixed or created, so I hope you got the tenacity to make it happen.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

To think that this is you as presented in your best light.

 

 

The reality is, that the only reason all of those "exes" are still slinking around, is that they still want something much more than 'friendship' with you.

 

While it remains true that women can pick and choose who they want to romance, and leave others in the so-called "friendzone"... every guy knows what motivates those other guys to continue to orbit around you.

 

It is probably true that you just aren't being very sensitive to the guy you're with... based largely on the fact that you really could have a selection of numerous romantic partners to replace him.

 

You should either apply yourself appropriately and fully to the relationship you claim to be in, or get out of it.

[Reddice]

...I have not and will not cheat on him, regardless of how our relationship started.

 

You might not cheat on him now, but you will most definately cheat on him at some point in your relationship. I suppose you didn't start your previous relationship with the intention to cheat on him either, but you still did though. You might have heard of the phrase: The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. This, I can garantee.